Going Forward or Moving Backward?

[AdrianaAurora]

I'm curious as to how many of y'all have tried to reconnect with someone and what the outcome was. Were you able to change behavior patterns that were problems in the past or was it the same song, 2nd verse, a little bit faster and a little bit worse?

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I once dated a guy and everyone else could see he was bad for me, but not I. We were "madly" in love (thats always a bad thing, lol), but so wrong for each other; we were constantly breaking up and getting back together - until I finally gathered courage and said enough is enough, I kept reminding myself that going back to him meant going back to same old problems.

When Tristan and I got together it was all so new and so intense, we planned it to just be a casual fling, but when things started getting serious, we both panicked and broke up. Couple of months later He called me, we talked and the rest, as they say, is history.

[Flaming_Redhead]

We were "madly" in love (thats always a bad thing, lol), but so wrong for each other; we were constantly breaking up and getting back together - until I finally gathered courage and said enough is enough, I kept reminding myself that going back to him meant going back to same old problems.

That's just what I don't understand. How can people who are madly in love be wrong for each other? If the chemistry is there....the attraction....the sex is awesome.....you feel good when you're together.....and you genuinely like the other person....why does any of the other stuff even matter? Why are there even any problems to begin with? These questions may not have an answer. I'm just thinking out loud.

[AdrianaAurora]

That's just what I don't understand. How can people who are madly in love be wrong for each other? If the chemistry is there....the attraction....the sex is awesome.....you feel good when you're together.....and you genuinely like the other person....why does any of the other stuff even matter? Why are there even any problems to begin with? These questions may not have an answer. I'm just thinking out loud.

That is a million dollar question.

I can only answer what it was with me - he hurt me so many times, that something inside of me simply snapped. They say that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results - I honestly don't know the count of how many times I went back to him, simply because I loved him, because I couldn't live without him, because I knew he loved me too and because I foolishly thought that that "this time" would magically be enough, over and over again.

The best I can put it, being in love isn't enough, you have to feel loved. I didn't feel loved, and obviously he didn't either. There was an emptiness inside of him that he was trying to fill - by sleeping with as many women as he could, giving his all to work and traveling constantly, not standing up to his mother when she regularly spoke rudely against me - though the times we would spend together were wonderful, I realized that I will never be enough for him. He survived without me, I am not sure Tristan could.

[Flaming_Redhead]

he hurt me so many times, that something inside of me simply snapped. They say that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results

I have come to realize that much of my hurt was self-inflicted. I'm a masochist, after all. Instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt, I chose not to trust him because I don't trust men. He was right. What chance did he possibly have? I don't know if there was anything at all he could've said or did to convince me to trust him. Combine that with the high expectations of how domliness should be....and the reality of life constantly getting in the way.....and you have disappointment waiting to happen, which it did, which just proved to me that.....he was right again. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that.

I think you mean that insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. I'm insane. *nods a lot* They say crazy people don't know they're crazy, but they're wrong. I saw the same behavior pattern occuring this time around, and I'm determined to stop it. I can't control him, but I can control how I react...sort of.

[tessa]

Being happy should be a simple enough idea. The imperative word there being should.

Here's to second chances.

[Flaming_Redhead]

Being happy should be a simple enough idea. The imperative word there being should.

Here's to second chances.

Ain't that the freakin' truth?!? I never understood it when someone said that no one can make you happy but you. Other people do make me happy, so I'm afraid I just don't get it. I may not be adept at making myself happy, but I sure as hell am talented at making myself miserable. I must enjoy it on some level because I keep doing it, which makes no sense because I wanna be happy. Why do I have to go and make things so complicated?

*gives Tessa a great big booby squishing hug*

[jeanne]

I never understood it when someone said that no one can make you happy but you. Other people do make me happy, so I'm afraid I just don't get it.

I have to admit, I don't understand this statement. It's okay for others to make us happy - I have no quibble with that, but if the other person isn't 'making us happy'...then what's left if we aren't happy in ourselves? So what I read in your statement is that without other people 'making you happy'...you're miserable?

Please say that's not the case, Red.

[AdrianaAurora]

I have come to realize that much of my hurt was self-inflicted. I'm a masochist, after all. Instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt, I chose not to trust him because I don't trust men. He was right. What chance did he possibly have? I don't know if there was anything at all he could've said or did to convince me to trust him. Combine that with the high expectations of how domliness should be....and the reality of life constantly getting in the way.....and you have disappointment waiting to happen, which it did, which just proved to me that.....he was right again. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that.

I think you mean that insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. I'm insane. *nods a lot* They say crazy people don't know they're crazy, but they're wrong. I saw the same behavior pattern occuring this time around, and I'm determined to stop it. I can't control him, but I can control how I react...sort of.

That sounds like it is more comparable to what happened with Tristan. I panicked and pushed Him away. I was basically making Him pay - for something He didnt and would never do - for something someone else did. Thankfully we gave it a second chance and were serious about making it work.

There is nothing wrong with giving it a second chance, it is certainly better than someday wonder what might have been. Its the third and fourth and fifth time...that you should stop and think about what you are doing.

I hope it works out for you. Good luck.

[Flaming_Redhead]

I panicked and pushed Him away. I was basically making Him pay - for something He didnt and would never do - for something someone else did. Thankfully we gave it a second chance and were serious about making it work.

*nods a lot* I thought it was self-preservation. Afterwards, I realized that I'd preserved myself alright. The only thing is that my grand plan didn't spare me any of the hurt I was so afraid of. I broke my own heart. Silly me! I'm so thankful that I appear to be getting a second chance, and this time, I'm going to give it my all because if it doesn't work out I'd rather know that I did all I could do than wonder what if.

[Pearlgem]

The best I can put it, being in love isn't enough, you have to feel loved.

The simple, heart-stopping truth.

Thanks, Adriana. x x