No sex in a BDSM Relationship?

I apologize if this topic was discussed before but I looked it up and couldn't find anything so I figured I'd start a new topic since its my own story and any advice could be helpful:) I've always been curious in BDSM and the lifestyle because it always felt like a part of me, I've never been too much into nilla sex but I would do it to please my first partner. 2 years ago I was raped and I am good not, I went to therapy got the help needed, but several months after I went to therapy for sex months a dom who had ten years of experience and I got together. It was really good, the thing was we had sex once but we stopped since I couldn't handle it...I could handle breath control...being his puppygirl, the S/m although its not my favorite thing. Mentally I know I am not a submissive because of the rape, most people think I am but I know I was interested in BDSM before I was rape just didn't experience it til recently. The dom and I ended up seperating for other reasons, he told me not having sex wouldn't matter in a BDSM relationship but I could find other ways to relieve and get pleasure, I have. I notice most men seem to want sex, or the fakes as I should put it...I just wanted to get this all out...I don't really know what I am asking for adivce. But have anybody went through the same experiences?

Recently I went to a gynochologist and the thing is I am very tight but now I get scared of having the guys dick inside me, I am thinking of getting a vibrator...when I am serving a dom I submit completely but it confuses me because sex is the hardest for me to submit. I always want to please the one I am with and I know I am over the rape, but I just get weird in bed with the guy. I know that I've gotten better than I have in the past Does anyone go through any situation that seem similar? Any piece of advice?

Indeed subjects similar to these have been discussed here, but maybe not from your perspective. I'll provide you with some links to peruse, but I'd definitely be interested in hearing more of your story and peoples' responses to this thread.

Have a look at these threads:

Very worried that current bdsm is caused by past abuse - by duktig flicka

Does an interest in BDSM indicate a pattern of abuse in earlier life? - by BDSM_Tourguide

Sex, Sex, Sex... It's All About the Sex - by BDSM_Tourguide

The place of sex in a D/s-bdsm relationship - by Jones, Nikka

Is it right to dominate a low self-esteem sub? - by Jones, Nikka


Hopefully, these will help you somewhat. If you have any further questions or comments, there are always people here willing to answer and offer advice.

Thank you, after I posted it I found a forum very similar, but I also wanted some perspectives on what I posted since I know every situation is different;)

Sex, like kissing, is a different form of commitment.

Everyone has different triggers and fears.

Ask yourself what the act triggers in you?
Why couldn't you handle it?

What fears does it release?
getting pregnant, dieseases, re-living your rape? What?
Getting to the root cause will help you accept the act when
you find your lifemate. Mate being a key word here.

Do you fantasize about having sex? About making love?
(Yes, I argue they can be two different things.)

And let's be honest. It's okay if you don't fantasize about
those things. You might not want to have sex or
make love again, ever. It's your body and your choice.

For years I was a very non-sexual person - kissing was cool,
groping was out. Even my fantasies, though quite submissive
and naughty didn't revolve around the act of physical sex.

The right man changed all that for me and I kept him.
Perhaps you haven't met the right guy or gal yet.

As to your concern about being "tight", most men don't have
the monster cocks we see in photos. Lots of lube and patience
will get you through your first couple of sessions with your partner
and the more you relax, the better it is. Practicing with a dildo or
vibrator is a fun way to get over that fear. ;)

Big hugs and I hope you've found some more answers that help.

Thank you for that deep response,

It really made me think, okay those moments before I responded but thank you so much for helping me out with the response. Before the rape, I knew I wasn't that sexual with intercourse but I don't know why, then when I was rape it made it harder for me to relax, when ever a guys dick is inches from me....not from my mouth, but my pussy I get nervous like he is going to force me and even if he is gentle that it will hurt. Its the pain that cares me where I can't do anything because I know with sex there is always a point that it could be forced and out of my control....but with say breath control....its all in my control even if something does go wrong. I know rape is all about control but in the really bad way, different than BDSM, because BDSM is more compassionate in the way of surrendering yourself to another.

I've tried having sex with two partners over the gap of time but when it started to hurt I pushed the person away then it reminded me of the rape, I know with the right partner perhaps I could have sex but it would take me along time and the right person into doing so. Thank you for telling me about your experiences, some times it feels like so much people want sex...my best friend said to me don't you ever want to know what its like to make love? To me surrendering all of myself is as special as making love. Perhaps with the right guy in a long time I'd be able to but surrendering myself in other forms feels so special so intense....beyond words for me.

Thank you for listening and taking the time to respond to me, it put a smile on my face:) By the way I am thinking of getting a vibrator to help me with the tightness, the thing is when it hurts because I am tight when the guy is inside me it makes me think of the rape..lol

Sarah

Sarah, love, you are most welcome.

I've had submissive fantasies as long as I can remember.

I was nearly gang raped in high school, but I fought like a banshee.
The guys came out of it more wounded than me and decided I
wasn't worth the effort. Whew!

The attempted rape didn't have an affect on how I felt about sex or
my hormones. I just didn't have those types of fantasies, before or after.
In fact, it wasn't till I was in college years later, when I realized
the danger my mind and body had been in.

What you experience is so very normal. I have a best friend who
was raped in high school. Every now and then her husband will trigger
some memory when they are "doing it" and for her everything comes to a crashing stop. She ends up crying and he ends up cuddling, but in the end,
he has had the patience to help her through those moments.

So, as you think about what you want, accept the past and
take your strength from having survived it, I wish you the best
of success in discovering yourself. Have fun with the vibrator(s).
I think that's a great idea of fear reducing therapy. :-)

You put a big smile on my face, too.

Thank you for telling me that about your close friend, at times it feels like I am one of the few that goes through this and its hard to know for sure what to think, but thank you for the reassurance, its nice to know that other people go through it as well...because I know I am over the experience with the rape:)

I know that I am pretty much tight since I haven't had too much experiences with sex, only had one partner before I was raped...and after I was raped didn't have sex too much, I was so tight when I attempted to have sex with my former dominant, I was so tight he thought I was a virgin,lol;)

Anyways thank you once again for your sweet words they mean alot to me and I look forward to see what this site may have to offer:)

Always
Sarah

Ruby, such sound loving advice.

Locked Advantages & Ruby, I'm sorry to hear of your experience, and the tragic effect it has had on your life.

I've read the threads
'Very worried that current DBSM is caused bu past abuse" and
'Sex Sex Sex...It's all about the sex'
and I recommend them. I have to hunt down the others suggested by TG and have a gander at them myself.

Also LA, you may want to try out Submissive Tasks in the Dungeon sometime. You don't have to have a partner, and you don't have to do tasks that would make you feel uneasy. It may be a way for you to get back in touch with yourself and your body. Its totally safe and totally non threatening.

Caitlin :)

Thank you,

For such kind advice, I will consider doing both that your words have mentioned to me, right now I am too tired to really think much but thanks for your kind words:) It means alot to me everything that everyone is saying and I will keep those words in mind

Sarah

Locked Advantages,

Sex is not (for some of us) a key ingredient of BDSM. I am not a sexual person as I am not comfortable thinking of myself as a sexual person (to much rejection - the way I was brought up? _ who knows) but I am more on the mental spectrum of submitting. I enjoy doing "the little" things that make life more comfortable such as getting a cup of coffee, dishing out a plate of food, grabbing a sweater or turning up the heater. That sort of thing.

BDSM is what ever works for you. There is no one true way to BDSM. The hard part is finding one who fits your needs.

Yes I've learned from my former dominant when I was serving him that the submission could be more mental and psychological than anything, he showed me that when we were together. I can see how hard it can be to find the right partner to share these special experiences with since everyone has a different taste in what they may desire in the end which makes it more special and pure than anything else:)