advice please!

ok im not sure if this is the right place or not. I love the idea of being tied up,spanked and raped. the idea of rough sex makes me extremely wet. my problem is this behavior is not accepted by my husband. he has an illness that has caused him problems. and as a result we have not had sex in 3 years.I will perform oral sex on him. and he will manipulate me. but its not enough. i read the stories here and the stories drive me wild. I know what I want is to be dominated and totally controlled. but he would never stand for that. could anyone offer advice on how to handle my desires. is anyone else a closet sub if so how did you get past it?

You have to decide what's important to you. Your sexual fulfillment or your stability and marriage. The likelihood, in this case, of keeping both may be slim.

If you are completely dissatisfied with your sex life and you want to pursue your fantasies, then it seems like you're going to have to have an affair. You're going to have to find your information about what you want, you're going to have to assess your needs and then you're going to have to find yourself a dominant and begin your affair. If you plan for the affair to be long term and to eveolve into a potentail relationship, then you will very liely be found out. Most affairs are. Something about the cheating partner just "feels wrong" to the other partner, if he pays any attention to you at all.

However, if you feel your sex life is not worth wasting your marriage over, then you need to unsubscribe from forums like this and resolve yourself to the fact that your sexuality for the forseeable future will consist of your servicing your husband, having him manipulate you and you masturbating.

The only other option you have is to come clean to him. Tell him of your desires and of what you are considering. If you are considering having an affair to find out what you want, then tell him that, too. Be completely honest. He might get irate, he might be hurt, but then again, he might understand and give you permission to seek out your fantasies.

You must choose your own course. However, if you have further questions, please ask. Don't try to do this blindly.

hard pill to swallow, but good real life advice TG. as with anything in life – one has to make the decision what is important, and if in partnership with someone – COMMUNICATE! if he can not/does not hear you or what you say (which is to often a case) you might want to find counselor, someone you both are comfortable with. good luck anyway :)

I have a similar situation and decided the relationship was more important. We have played, a little, not recently ... she has decided "no more" but can't / wont say why.

She knows my interests and that I read and participate on line, a middle road that works for me. My kink happens in my head.

BSTG is right - you have to figure out what's important to you and as many options as you can. Then redEva is right - you have to communicate what you're thinking about: content, importance, and options. That's a big hurdle, might be a tough conversation. With luck, he'll be as interested in you as you obviously are in him and you'll work out an accommodation.

Best wishes.

I am in agreement with the fellow members that have posted here.

For me, there is a major area that I have very strong feelings about. So I will refrain from speaking about them from my own point of view, and ask, how significant is your commitment to your marriage?

Many are able to fulfill at least a degree of their needs thru online interation and relationships. That is a choice only you can make.

I wish you all the luck and happiness, and the strength to let it unfold when it least seems possible.

veru :)

*gives you a welcoming hug*

thank you all for the advice. My marriage is by far the most important. I would never dream of cheating on him. He did that to me a few years ago. while I was working 70 hours a week he was with another woman. this was before he got sick. I know the anguish that caused me and i could never do that to him.I wish i could tell him my desires.hes older than me and more i guess conservative. also talking about sex upsets him cause he cant perform like he used to.he has his sex online, he has several women that he does this with. im not supposed to know but one of them calleed me when she got mad at him because he wouldnt leave me.so my answer is that i am commited to my marriage. so i will continue to service him, as tc stated but im not allowed to masterbate he caught me once and was extremely mad. but i can still fantasize right?
thanks again for the advice everyone

I think your notes contained the following information; please tell me if I'm wrong:

He cheated when you were working 70 hrs a week and

he has an illness that reduces (at least) your ability to have sex with him and

you have (reasonable) scruples about cheating on him and

he is unwilling to participate in those physically sexual activities he could with you and

he has online relationships with sexual content and

he wont _*let you masturbate*_?

The behavior you describe sounds abusive to me. Sounds like you have a bdsm relationship where he has all the power and (despite his illness) sexual outlet while you have the limitations but not the features you'd like. Your interest in bdsm is the least of the problems you mentioned.

At the risk of sounding like Dear Abby, have you thought about counseling? With him if possible, but (having been there myself - with my wife) you might want someone to talk to in real life. Find someone who does relationship / marriage / couples counseling and tell your tale. A professional wont be shocked and might be able to help.

You have my very best wishes.

Gods yes! See someone – that does not sound right! I know there are always two sides to a coin, but .... from what you saying – he’s got it all and you!?

Before that last remark about what you are forbidden to do – my suggestion was going to be: maybe you can both agree to find someone suitable to join you in your erotic play. You can still satisfy your husband while you can have someone else take care of you in your husbands presence and with his permission – giving him the full ownership of you and your pleasure.

but... i don’t know – there obviously are hurdles you need to overcome – and if your marriage is as important to you as you imply...

good luck - you are going to need it sis!

No-one can be expected to live without one of the simple pleasures in life, whether it's in our lifestyle or vanilla. Sex is an important part of any relationship, and it has to be pleasurable for both people.

What kind of illness allows him to have you service him, but he can't recipricate? Except by hand, which doesn't seem to be very fulfilling for you!

As for not allowing you to masterbate - there is always the shower, the bathtub, the bathroom floor - lots of places, even just sitting in front of your computer monitor, alone in a darkened room, reading stories on the bdsm board ... Not that I'd know anything about that, of course!

While it would be difficult to find someone to tie you up and spank you in the situation you describe, it can be done. You must have free time by yourself, when you can allow yourself some freedom, if not, you aren't a wife, you're a slave.

Good luck, and let us help you in any way we can :)

I am also concerned by this mans actions. He sounds more abusive then loving. This isnt conservative, this is controlling. and his lack of respect to let you get off isnt a very good medium. If it was me, I would have never agreed not to masterbate... in addition, I would probably be upset at his online encounters. If he can get off with them, where does it leave u?

He might be cheating with one of thoose girls online... once a cheater, always a cheater...

Quote:

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Originally posted by red32
so i will continue to service him, as tc stated but im not allowed to masterbate he caught me once and was extremely mad. but i can still fantasize right?

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Red, this is hard to say without sounding like a lecture, in my experience guys normally get off on watching a woman play with herself, as it is something they do quite often and think of it being something that we don't do. In any relationship there needs to be a balance of pleasure. It's ony fair that is your partner is unable to satisfy you, that you should be allowed to satisfy yourself (unless in a owned salve situation it is a pleasure that you are being denied for a specific punishment) it's only for you to say if this is what you want, and if you can cope for a number of years like this. A TG said, the only option seeming to be open at this point would be to have an affair, and as you say you couldn't, then you'd have to suck it up and stick in there...

not much more than that to say, only does he know you're posting on here? All the best, this is the best place you could be for some support...

Lady B

Additional post that deals with this topic in a bit different twist, but still the same topic.

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...=&threadid=506

Why dont you slip some viagra into his food and when he get's a woody for the next 4 hours walk away. Disconect the internet Then have a little talk with him. Tell him of your needs. That he is being a selfish jerk. It is hard to argue when you have a rock hard boner and cant do any thing about it.


I think he will come around to your thinking.

Nice try, bbeale, but Viagra doesn't work that way.

And red32? You're already IN a dominant/submissive relationship. It isn't much fun, is it? In a good D/S relationship, the sub enjoys herself as much as her partner does.

If you're working 70 hours a week, maybe you can support yourself. Counseling is a good idea, and a trial seperation may be called for. As Ann Landers would have asked, "Are you better off with him, or without him?" It sounds like you'd be better off without.

Good luck.

I don't want to sound like a 'lecturer' or a Barbara De Angelis here..lol..however..

My first instinct is to say 'what's up woman???' as in how can you be with this man? But of course there is reality to think about, women ( I was with a similar man for years because of responsibilities like a child etc and women would say the same thing to me 'what's up?") do stay longer for reasons that vary.

Yes I can say this is a situation where he is being dominant and your being subservient, but it's not something that is close to the concept of a healthy d/s relationship. He is not respecting you as your respecting him, and in your heart of hearts you know this yet you are going through the motions as you don't want to sink to his previous level and have affairs, which is noble and perhaps is right - as you understand where your limits are. However he is with you, your working your butt off, and he is having online affairs at the same time.
An affair is an affair, regardless of whether he is physically feeling up the other women, or cybering with them, what makes it an affair is that he is emotionally unavailable to you.
I agree with the counselling option, it's worth a try as you value the institution of marriage, but he is also utilising his illness as a bargaining tool to control you, yet he is capable of experiencing sexual arousal online, or by you giving him oral sex etc.

I sincerely wish you all the best, because reading what you wrote really touched a chord within me. I was in a similar situation a few years ago, I tried many things, made many efforts yet the other person's behaviour didn't change, or it would change temporarily only for it to revert to the same thing. It wasn't so much the 'affair' aspect (I was walking a thin line and considered those options but knew it wasn't in my nature to cheat) but the complete disrespect together with excessive gambling, me being the provider, parent, lover, 'wife', cleaner..while he would blow a week's earnings and I had to borrow money to buy food.
There will come a point where enough is enough, and if this man doesn't make any effort to change even after you try counselling you will know.

For me it was a fluke comment an acquaintence made to me - as they say strangers see things from another vantagepoint- and their comment or question that made me wake up was the following:
'Do you see yourself living out the rest of your lifetime like this?'.

the concept scared the crap out of me..

and I just made a decision straight away..