journey to becoming good_girl

[good_girl]

When I first saw this new forum subject my thought was “cool, a place to tell my whole story” and then I began to wonder how I would tell it without boring readers to death. I want back and forth and finally decided that this would have been very useful for me to read others stories when I had first arrived here at the library. So…I am writing this for myself first and then for any newcomers who might find it helpful to relate to someone, as well as for anyone who might find it interesting.

Who am I and how did I get here?
I’m good_girl
I just had my 40th birthday but I don’t feel anywhere near old enough to be 40 so I went backwards this year…I’m 38 now

In order for you to know me you need to know a bit about who I used to be, so here goes.

I am mother to my beautiful 21 year old daughter, I had her when I was just 18 (thanks mom and dad for all your help) Life was rough being a single mom, but I was a survivor.
At 25 I met the love of my life…ya right
Fast forward 13 years….I’m now divorced from a crack addict who spent the last 7 years of our relationship lying to me, verbally abusing me and destroying me….but again, I proved myself to be a survivor *smiles proudly* I got out.
This was probably the scariest time in my life, I had spent my entire adulthood being a wife and mother. My daughter now grown, my marriage done…I didn’t know who I was or where I belonged…my self esteem nonexistent, I felt completely useless, my future so uncertain…I wanted to lay down and die…and then it hit me…I’m a survivor…I have to fix it.
I picked myself up, dusted myself off and had a look around…the world was a very scary place for me…I got counseling, took a self esteem workshop, disconnected from anyone negative in my life, made new friends, bonded with my daughter in a way I didn’t know was possible (she is amazing)….I got happy *smiles*

*takes a deep breath to clear the lump in my throat*

This has been hard for me to write so I’m gonna leave it here for now and pick up later…to be continued…..

[Woogsbie]

good_girl,

I am glad you got happy in the end! you are a survivor and I wish you many more successes in your life!

Woogs

[Warbaby1943]

You are an amazing person and I wish you only the best

[AdrianaAurora]

Your daughter is very lucky to have such an amazing mother and a role model.

All the best,
Adriana

[angelic.zest]

Yayay im so happy you were able to start it *Hugs* ty for sharing!!

now we need to hear all the things a goodgirl can do *weg* LOl...jk

[good_girl]

Woogs...happy now and happier every day *smiles*

Warbaby...thank you so much

Adriana...I am lucky to have such an amazing girl for my daughter *smiles*

zesty...I hope others will be able to tell their stories *hugs*

This was not easy for me to write, I have done my best to put the past behind me. Who am I? I am a survivor, now that you all know this I will continue my story on a much happier note.

[good_girl]

*takes a deep breath*

I had a minor breakdown after my first post, a lot of old emotions came flooding back…strangely one of those emotions was of intense pride, the pride I feel for my daughter chokes me up every time, she has always been so strong, wanting to be there for me when her own life was just as hellish as mine. We are more friends now than mother/daughter and I am proud to call her my friend.

Ok enough sap, tonight I will write about the journey that began my discovery of myself, a much happier topic.

So at this point I’m 38, and I am a survivor, I feel strong, a smile becomes natural on my face (something that hasn’t been for a long time) and I’m ready to go out and take on the world…but…how does a 38 year old divorcee with no friends to speak of get back into life…she goes online, and so I did. I joined a social network simply to relearn how to be social.

A few months later I realized that through this and my work I had met some amazing people…I had friends again (I almost feel silly writing this but at the time it was huge to me).

I settled nicely into my new and improved life and soon decided it was time to start dating again YIKES!!! So…where does a 38 year old divorcee who hasn’t dated in almost 15 years meet guys…they go online, and so I did. In case anyone doesn’t know it…90% of the guys on these sites are trolls UGGGG! But I did meet a few nice guys and went on a few dates; problem was, as nice as these guys were there was always something missing.

I had no idea what it was that was missing and spent a lot of time analyzing them and my past relationships...nothing, I felt lost again…there was something I needed but I couldn’t figure out what it was  so I just kept at it, random dates that left me feeling as if I would never find what I needed, until one day a guy IM’d me, we chatted for a bit very casually. He would ask me questions and I would reply wit a yup, naw, pfft or some other off the cuff remark until he suddenly got very quiet for a minute, and then he came back with “I want to hear yes or no!” I laughed my ass off…I was not going to be told what to say by someone I had never even met and I refused to do as he said…he was not happy but I really didn’t care…or did I?

The chat ended pretty quickly after this and I figured I would never hear from him again, but I did, about a week later, he explained to me that he was a Dom and told me about BDSM, my reaction was “to each their own, but not for me”.

Things never did develop into anything with him, but I lost a lot of sleep the next few nights…my mind was now racing…I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I was so intrigued by what he had told me. I started looking BDSM up on the web and became more and more fascinated by what I was reading. Again I looked back at my previous relationships and the one common denominator for me was the feeling that I never really knew how to make my partner happy, the one thing I wanted so desperately to do.

Slowly I began to realize that this was what I had been missing in my life....but now what….next chapter soon to come

[BorderCollie]

Canadians Rock! I'm married to one and they are simply Aussies with accents, their entire outlook on life is the same ours. Great work Good Girl! Very proud of you.

[Dea Menrfa]

Good Girl,

Fabulous writing. I can feel a lot of what is behind it, as we have similar beginnings.

(((big hugs to you)))

[Rowen]

Good girl, thanks for sharing this...yes, can relate too. Can imagine your feelings raging while you are writing this. Takes courage girl, but let it out! That's what the forum is her for..

[good_girl]

BorderCollie...might have to visit your part of the world one day

Dea Menrfa...thank you, my hope was for others to see that it was ok to have these feelings, we can get past the hell we have lived *smiles*

Rowen MTP...yes a lot of emotions, more good than bad and I'm sure they will just get better as I write more

I am very happy that there are some out there who are able to relate to my story, I hope that some will gain the strength they need to become who they really are from reading this. Thanks again Zesty for encouraging me to do this.

[Warbaby1943]

LOL then it is zesty who we have to thank.

Seriously, you are doing great job of telling your story and I am enjoying reading it. Thanks.

[good_girl]

I'm actually beginning to have a lot of fun writing this, I have never told anyone the whole story of good_girl before...not that the story is over yet, I have many chapters yet to live can't wait


So as I near my 39th birthday I know I’m a survivor and I now know what I have been missing in my life. I decided I must be crazy, I had always prided myself on being a strong and independent woman, how could the thought of a man telling me what was expected of me make me happy…but it did.

Again I looked back at past relationships but this time I saw them differently, this time I was aware of my own frustration. I remembered times when I would say “just tell me what you want” pleading with him, but no man had ever been either willing or able to answer this. I had so often felt like a failure, but not for lack of trying, for lack of knowing what was required to succeed. I knew I could succeed with the right man guiding me…with the right Dom *smiles*

It didn’t take me long before I was able to say it to myself…I am submissive…I felt an awkward sense of pride in that…but what now?

Part of me wanted to shout out to the world and part of me wanted to crawl under a rock and keep this secret to myself. In the end opportunity knocked, a few of the girls (all vanilla) at work were sitting around chatting as we girls do *smiles innocently* they were playfully talking about who was more dominant in their relationships, I had a look around the table and decided they were all people I trusted so I commented that I had recently discovered myself and that I was definitely the submissive type…..waiting for a reaction…..the conversation just flowed. I really don’t remember a lot of that conversation but later I pulled one of the girls aside and we talked further…we still talk about that day *smiles* I don’t think I ever felt more free in my life, I could be me, all of me, and my friend did not judge, she was and still is happy for me. Today most of my close friends know that this is the life I have chosen, none of them judge me, they are true friends, and although they have a limited understanding they support me because they see the smile on my face.

So now all there is left for me to do is find the right Dom and I know this will not be an easy task. It had been hard enough meeting guys and now the playing field was much narrower *groans* I stayed on the dating site I had been on but that wasn’t working out too well for me, so I put the idea of meeting the right Dom out of my mind…sort of, and I read, I read everything I could find online, informational sites, stories, you name it I read it. There were time I decided I would never find this in my own life and other times I was so determined to find it.


Just looked back at what I wrote and realized this is getting long…next chapter I begin to meet people

[BorderCollie]

BorderCollie...might have to visit your part of the world one day

LOL Oh for a $$$ for everytime I've heard that one!
We try to get back to Canada every 2 years, as her parents and her 3 brothers are still there.

[cassandra68]

Looking forward to the next thrilling installment. I am so glad that you decided to write this, it is very cool to hear the story of someone who kept on going even when the going was tough. Reminds me a bit of the Little Engine that Could (this is a good thing)

[Oak]

Hi good girl - Yeah life really sucks sometimes. It's great that you came through and got a never and hopefully better life

[good_girl]

*sits down at the keyboard and looks back at what I have already written*

I have received a few comments both here and in PM from people who can relate to my story so far. I remember all to well feeling very alone and confused at times while my life was in transition. I’m sure there are others out there now who feel this way…to these people…you are not alone!!

So…back to my life story LOL

It was right about my 39th birthday, I had been to hell and back in my life, I have now realized that for so many years I had not known myself, had not let myself be the person I was deep down. For the first time in my adult life I didn’t have anyone who was dependant on me…I was free!! And I was lonely It’s as if I had given myself a wonderful new toy and couldn’t play with it.

I became preoccupied with learning everything I could and with meeting that person who would be patient enough to deal with my uncertainties and fears. I changed my profile on the dating site very subtly, just enough that one would have to read between the lines to understand, many didn’t but a few did.

I talked to both Dom and sub men, a few I still touch base with from time to time now. I met my first Dom a few months later, he is not local to me and our first few chats were very casual, but soon the D/s began to develop, we both agreed then that this would remain online only (neither of us willing to relocate).

Life was wonderful…I had a Dom who was firm yet patient with me and treated me wonderfully; I had discovered the forums here and was slowly becoming more comfortable in chat, I had friends in the lifestyle

My Dom encouraged me to continue meeting people, to play online, to read and talk to people…basically he encouraged me to grow *smiles* and then one day he told me it was time for me to transition to real life, he wanted me to start meeting people outside of the little box that had become my safety net. This scared me, I had become quite comfortable, I had felt freer than ever before, and I listened to him…I returned to the dating site much less enthusiastic this time, I felt as if I was giving something up and I didn’t want to give anything up.

Eventually I did meet someone, tall, good looking, a real sweetheart and new to the world of BDSM himself, perfect. As much as My Dom wanted me to move forward it was difficult to tell him that I had met someone, when I did he gave me his blessing and sent me on the next leg of my journey. Little did we both know this would be a very short trip. Within 2 months I knew too well that it was over, he didn’t seem interested in making the time for me and I didn’t feel the way I knew I needed to. I felt very discouraged and continued to hide behind my computer, had a few dates and a few playdates but nothing was turning into anything. On the advice of someone in chat here I joined a BDSM dating site…met lots of trolls LOL and lots of Dom’s who only wanted to know if I would relocate ugggg and then I met one Dom, not exactly local but only 3 hours away, again because of distance we agreed to be friends and so the friendship began. We chatted until late at night and often in the day as well, one night he asked if he could call me, we talked for about an hour and said good night. The next day he called again….we only hung up after we realized we had been on the phone for 7 hours…I had to meet him *smiles*


After my first post I cried…tonight I’m grinning from ear to ear…what a change my life has had in just 2 years *smiles*

[Warbaby1943]

Thanks for taking the time to post this


(604)

[good_girl]

*smiles* thank you Warbaby for taking the time to read it...I really do hope it helps others, I'm actually having fun writing it

[Trina]

I'm dying to know what happened next. T.

[good_girl]

I will update this when the new blog section is fully up and running....my Dom is dying to know what happens next as well LOL

[SirTimothyk]

I'm waiting too

[good_girl]

I guess it's time to sit down and continue this story, as much as this next part is the best part for me to date, I know it will be hard to write…only because I know my mind will wander to some very naughty places *smiles*

So after spending almost my entire day off on the phone with this person I had never met I sat down and had a small panic attack :P I had had a very clear idea in my mind who I wanted to meet and with the exception of one thing (him being Dom) he did not fit on my list anywhere…all I know is that I enjoyed the time we has spent together communicating, it had felt like I had known him forever, it felt right even if it was only to be a friendship. So, we made plans to meet, he would come to the city where I live and I would meet him. I don’t remember exactly how long after that day on the phone it was that we met but I do remember that feeling I had when I saw him walk toward me for the first time….I panicked again LOL I’m not sure why exactly but I did. We spent the day together….hmm weird, all I can remember right now about that day is the park and tree we climbed together but I know there was much more. The day was coming to an end, I remember him asking if I would come back and meet him again the next day…I panicked again…not because I didn’t want to see him again the next day, but because I didn’t want the day to end.

I did what felt right, even though I knew it was wrong…I convinced him to get a room instead of crashing in his truck for the night, I went with him to the room to check in and I didn’t leave…I know I know bad idea *hangs my head* …on that note I would never suggest anyone do this!!!

Again, I don’t remember all the detail of that night but I do remember that it felt good and it felt right. We spent the next day together just as two people who had known each other for years would. I was exhausted when the day was coming to an end and he had a three hour drive ahead of him, I knew already that I wanted him to come back soon.

I drove home that night with my head in the clouds, what was I thinking? There was no way this was going to work, 3 hours drive to see each other, and he still didn’t fit anywhere on my list of who I was looking for, I was beyond confused.

Soon after I arrived home I got a phone call from a friend, someone close to us had been in a plane crash…my confusion turned to shock. The next week, as I’m sure you can imagine, was very hard for me, my mind still spinning from the weekend and a funeral to attend. I remember thinking that this would be the last I would hear from him, surely he would run not wanting to deal with someone he just met who was the mess I was that week…but no, he called me and texted me…he supported me, I still have a bit of trouble wrapping my brain around this, no one had ever treated me like this…like someone who’s feelings mattered.

The week after the funeral he wanted to come see me again, at this point I’m not sure why, but I wanted to see him to, so he came to town, had a room booked and I met him there. He spent the evening pampering me, helping me to relax from the week I had just had, I had never had an evening like this before…it was wonderful.

That was over four months ago, and right now he is sitting next to me waiting for me to finish writing this...ok he’s watching T.V. but he knows I’m writing this and will read it later LOL We both know that come winter when the roads are bad it will get harder to see each other but for now we are enjoying the time we get to spend together.

[Warbaby1943]

Very nice. Glad it has worked out for you so far.

[DtM]

good_girl,

I have been riveted for the last 20 minutes going through your posts and the responses from others.

Your story of survival and realising your true self is amazing. As one with a disability, I can identify with what you have gone through. I also can relate to it from the pov of watching my sister raise twins as a single Mom [the twins are in their mid-20's now and Mom is 45].

You've given me stuff to think about and possibly an idea of how to present myself out there as someone who complements a Domme.

Thanks for sharing and by all means KEEP WRITING. It's fantastic.

From a fellow Canadian. (Yes, there are English in Quebec. )

[good_girl]

DtM....wow riveted? I'm blushing. I never saw it as surviving at the time, simply doing what needed to be done. I am glad my story has been a help to some...even more that it hasn't bored readers to death LOL I will add to this as things progress...but as of now, this is who I am and how I get here.

[Diablo]

Thank you for sharing, I hope you 2 will continue on your journey together.

[In2kink]

Your life story was so moving and I very much enjoyed reading it. Thanks so much for taking the time to share it. It is always great to read that once a person has faced some difficult times and trials, in the end they are able to come out of the storm into the bright sunlight and find happiness.

[good_girl]

Your life story was so moving and I very much enjoyed reading it. Thanks so much for taking the time to share it. It is always great to read that once a person has faced some difficult times and trials, in the end they are able to come out of the storm into the bright sunlight and find happiness.

My life seems to be getting better and better...I have continued this story in the blogs section for anyone interested....thanks to all who have read it

[denuseri]

hugs my sister and congratulations on the new dom seetie, i am so happy for you

OMK's boo
luv ya bunches
denuseri