wresting control back in the heat of passion

[skittish doe]

I really like being a good girl. It does something to me, for me. I would suspect that most subbies share my sentiments. However, sometimes... (I have just very recently realized I do this) I get so excited that I physically take some control back. When I get roused up to a certain point... this seems to be just what happens, what I do.

I am not sure how to stop this behavior in myself. When, for example, I really wanted the man to have control, but then I got so excited, so "wound up" and forgot myself (either in the kiss itself or during sex) that I took that control right back. Why would I do such a thing? Isn’t that spoiling the whole purpose? Does anyone else struggle with this?

I welcome any comments or suggestions from fellow subs, from switches or from Doms. And yes, I do realize that I could simply beg to be bound up tightly and THAT would take care of that… until next time anyhow. This brings me around to my little problem again.

[brwneydgirl]

Maybe instead of being bound with rope or other restraints, you could try a mental exercise of restraining yourself.

Force yourself to stay put. To be calm and quiet...or just to be *patient*.

[Ozme52]

Perhaps it's the struggle and control isn't the point, but who is taking it from you.

Forcing you to submit.

The question is, how do you make your partner recognize when he needs to step it up a notch. Does he know he's participating in a contest or are you just trying to submit for your own pleasure?

[thir]

or are you just trying to submit for your own pleasure?

I lost you here?
Isn't any sub????

[skittish doe]

Does he know he's participating in a contest or are you just trying to submit for your own pleasure?

No, he doesn't necessarily know. and yes, it is for my own pleasure, Sir.

[thir]

I really like being a good girl. It does something to me, for me. I would suspect that most subbies share my sentiments. However, sometimes... (I have just very recently realized I do this) I get so excited that I physically take some control back. When I get roused up to a certain point... this seems to be just what happens, what I do.

Could you explain a little more elaborate what you mean by taking back control physically? What happens, exactly?

[skittish doe]

Could you explain a little more elaborate what you mean by taking back control physically? What happens, exactly?

If this were within a kiss, for example, I would begin to initiate the return kisses and even aggressively kiss him back. If he were also holding me against the wall, I would push back from the wall. Instead of the kiss being all about him devouring me (which I do love) I begin to devour him back. If he wanted me to remain up against the wall (which, again, I do love) then my actions make it necessary for him to exert more energy to keep me there. I am concerned to discover this conclusion within myself, because I would not want to top from the bottom. I think perhaps where my concern comes from is the fact that I am the one to initiate the "ratchet up" of our passion, instead of allowing him the control of the pace.

If my behavior happened within sex, to give another example, I tend to push back (once I get to a certain arousal point)... as opposed to being submissively compliant. Hmm I am unsure if I am explaining myself well or not. I “take what I need” as opposed to allowing him to give it to me (or not).

In an attempt to define this internal point that I reach just prior to this behavior I will say that my need reaches a level that I tremble with it. Something in me takes over and that something is more aggressive, less submissive. I hope someone understands what I am trying to say.

[AnticipatingPain]

If this were within a kiss, for example, I would begin to initiate the return kisses and even aggressively kiss him back. If he were also holding me against the wall, I would push back from the wall. Instead of the kiss being all about him devouring me (which I do love) I begin to devour him back. If he wanted me to remain up against the wall (which, again, I do love) then my actions make it necessary for him to exert more energy to keep me there. I am concerned to discover this conclusion within myself, because I would not want to top from the bottom. I think perhaps where my concern comes from is the fact that I am the one to initiate the "ratchet up" of our passion, instead of allowing him the control of the pace.

If my behavior happened within sex, to give another example, I tend to push back (once I get to a certain arousal point)... as opposed to being submissively compliant. Hmm I am unsure if I am explaining myself well or not. I “take what I need” as opposed to allowing him to give it to me (or not).

In an attempt to define this internal point that I reach just prior to this behavior I will say that my need reaches a level that I tremble with it. Something in me takes over and that something is more aggressive, less submissive. I hope someone understands what I am trying to say.

You are explaining just fine hun, well I know exactly what you mean anyway lol. I do it too.

Sometimes I like to push a little but only because I get so turned on by him stepping it up a level, my submission is always there but at times I will resist, although I know it's futile because he will get rougher and of course I love it and then my submission is greater.

[_ID_]

Forcing my sub to submit is part of the fun for us. We'll get into the heat of the moment, and she'll resist for one reason or another, exerting her control over things. At that moment I begin a take down scene that is a wrestling match, and results in me retaining that control. After all I am the one in charge.

[denuseri]

Its perfectly normal behavior sugar and in no way shape or form should be construed as topping from the bottom. (somthing that is subjective at best but requires "intent" to manipulate in a negative way as opposed to just being spirited or willful)

Being a "submissive" or slave in no way shape or form requires that you be subservient or complacent in every way in everything that you do think or say.

[Wiscoman]

Imagine you're sitting on a couch, with your ankle shackled to one of the legs. You're sitting there, just like you always do. You can watch TV or read the newspaper or whatever. What you can't do is leave the couch.

So you test the shackle. The chain is securely locked to the couch's leg and you can't slip your foot out of it. Whereas before you were just sitting on the couch like you always do, now you're a captive -- because you have proof. You know you can't go anywhere, because you've checked.

You need to feel Dominance to know it's there. You need proof. So you test it, just as the person in my example tests the chain.

[Ozme52]

Does he know he's participating in a contest or are you just trying to submit for your own pleasure?

...or are you just trying to submit for your own pleasure?

I lost you here?
Isn't any sub????

You parsed the quote. It required both halves... and the answer is as I suspected....

No, he doesn't necessarily know. and yes, it is for my own pleasure, Sir.

So if she submits in her mind and then takes control when it becomes physical, there's no one to enforce her submission.

She's asking how to "discipline" her reactions so that she can keep the fantasy that she is being used.

[denuseri]

She's asking how to "discipline" her reactions so that she can keep the fantasy that she is being used.

Should not at that point in time; her dominant step up and show her Sir?

[Ozme52]

Should not at that point in time; her dominant step up and show her Sir?

She is in need of said dominant... she's telling us her partner is vanilla.

[thir]

She is in need of said dominant... she's telling us her partner is vanilla.

Are you in fact saying that you are in a vanilla relationship, skittish doe? I did not read it like that from your explanation about being pushed up against the wall etc. Does that mean that you are playing your sub side out in your head, without your love knowing about it?

BTW You are not bad at explaining, mind, just me being awfully slow with a bad cold in my head ;-)

[Ozme52]

It's a difficult position. It's far easier to act more aggressively than usual, to pretend or imagine you are dominating your partner... because it is the active role if you will.... and much much harder to remain passive and play a submissive role... because there is nothing to prod your vanilla partner forward.

So perhaps imagine your dominant isn't actually the person using you. He is the unwitting participant in your humiliation... you were told to go out and fuck the first serviceman who visited your home. Oh my... it's the electrician. And you have to make him think he's irresistable while your dom watches your slutty performance on your webcam.

In other words, it will be easier for you to imagine scenes with an offscreen dominant forcing you to perform than an onscreen dominant who "doesn't".

[denuseri]

Oh I did not realize that Sir thank you for elaborating.

Though, as the whim may strike, I have known some dominants that will allow a girl the illussion of spirited resisteance.

[skittish doe]

Thank you to everyone who has contributed their astute observations. I appreciate your thoughtful posts. It is my hope that they will continue as I attempt to sort through myself.

I would like to apologize for my omission in my original post. Yes thir, I am in fact in a vanilla marriage. Thank you Oz for bringing that fact to light. I did not intend to be misleading, although I did intentionally leave that out. To all: Please accept my apology for my exclusion of this pertinent detail.

My husband is a dominant-type vanilla person. He is very dominant in all areas of his life. This is part of what attracted me to him in the first place. He does know about my kink, in fact I disclosed my D/s desires to him early on in our dating. In my naivety, I really thought that he would become a Dom, once introduced to the concept. He even gave me a spanking before we shared our first kiss. It would be fair to say that he pursued a continuation of our relationship, cumulating in marriage, in spite of these (my) desires.

He did not tell me about his intense distaste for my D/s thoughts until (recently) after we had been married for almost 7 years. He dislikes any references to BDSM and gets extremely upset when I state any verbal labels. Words like “Dominance”, “submissiveness”, talking about my “submissive side”, and any reference to a “scene” tend to set him off, and so I try to avoid mention of them. With all that said, he does do things that (I think – as a newbie I don’t pretend to know) most folks would consider a scene. We also tend towards stereotypical gender roles. I do things like sit on the floor at his feet. I serve him his favorite drink, and generally wait on him. I ask him for permission for most activities.

[brwneydgirl]

He dislikes any references to BDSM and gets extremely upset when I state any verbal labels. Words like “Dominance”, “submissiveness”, talking about my “submissive side”, and any reference to a “scene” tend to set him off, and so I try to avoid mention of them.

This rings very true in my own case, doe. I have stopped trying at this point. It's not worth the arguments/crying/worrying. My way of handling things is not/will never be perfect, but it's all I can think to do right now so that his feelings aren't constantly hurt and he's not always questioning our marriage and his place. In my case, it was just easier to stop bringing it up. Stop any referrence to it.

Now I go to munches alone and local activies alone and I like it. I like to meet other people who don't judge me based on this aspect of who I am (or at least, not to my face). The first time I heard anyone use the term "Sir" --in a D/s fashion anyway--I wanted to cry...I know it sounds silly--it was at my local munch and it was the couple who sort of "run" it. She called him Sir and he responded to her and they just had such an easy way about their relationship. Nobody seemed tense about it and they are so open and easy with each other...I actually ended up sitting with them the entire night and they asked me questions and I asked them questions and it was really, really calm and nice...

There is a fetish fair coming to my area this weekend and I'll be going. They asked me to join them and told me that they'll keep their eyes on me and I appreciate it...it's nice to know someone is there standing at my back even if I am alone.

Now, sd...wanna wrestle? LMAO

[leo9]

it's nice to know someone is there standing at my back even if I am alone.

You are not alone {{HUG}}

[leo9]

Please accept my apology for my exclusion of this pertinent detail.

I understand why it was painful to bring it up, but you can see that without it we were missing a big piece of the picture.

In my naivety, I really thought that he would become a Dom, once introduced to the concept. He even gave me a spanking before we shared our first kiss. It would be fair to say that he pursued a continuation of our relationship, cumulating in marriage, in spite of these (my) desires.

Tragically, far too many people still go into marriage believing that love (or habit) will fix sexual incompatibility. They may unintentionally lead the other on by going along with what sie wants "for now," assuming they can teach hir differently later. And sometimes, people do get lucky, and their partner discovers a liking to match theirs: but more often they don't.

In this case, with all due sympathy for your pain, it looks to me as if you both made the mistake of thinking your partner would come around once you were married.

He did not tell me about his intense distaste for my D/s thoughts until (recently) after we had been married for almost 7 years. He dislikes any references to BDSM and gets extremely upset when I state any verbal labels. Words like “Dominance”, “submissiveness”, talking about my “submissive side”, and any reference to a “scene” tend to set him off, and so I try to avoid mention of them.

It would be my guess (given that he married you knowing about this) that his distaste has developed over the years, because he expected you to get over all that and you haven't. He probably feels about your BDSM needs the way he would feel if you were still dreaming of an old lover he'd expected you to forget.

My first wife went into our marriage playing along with my needs so enthusiastically that I believed it was real, then had a breakdown from the strain and made me drop it all: but even when I was prepared to live completely vanilla, she went off me because, she said, she couldn't bear knowing that the BDSM stuff was still going on in my head when we made love. If your husband knows it's still going on in your head, it's no wonder he doesn't want to be reminded; it would be like you yelling someone else's name when you came.

With all that said, he does do things that (I think – as a newbie I don’t pretend to know) most folks would consider a scene. We also tend towards stereotypical gender roles. I do things like sit on the floor at his feet. I serve him his favorite drink, and generally wait on him. I ask him for permission for most activities.

The wonderful thing about D/s is that it can turn being brought a cup of tea into a hot scene, and I'm glad you are able to enjoy that much.

It may well be that he is a Dom at heart, but can't face it consciously because he feels, too deeply to change, that it's perverted and sick. In which case, it may be that he's happy to let you take some control during sex because it reassures him that the two of you have a "normal" relationship in spite of your "perverted" desires. If you ever were to achieve your original wish of acting submissive even in extremis, you might upset this and make him more resentful of your needs. Not wanting to paint the devil on the wall, as the Danes say, but you should consider that risk.

It could be worse. My ex-slave actually managed to turn her husband on to BDSM to the extent that he became a noted Dom in their local BDSM community... and then found she couldn't submit to him. She still loved him, but the D/s chemistry wasn't there, if he tried to Dom her she just got angry. Maybe you have to accept and enjoy what you have.