Just a rant

[duktig flicka]

Yes, this is just a rant. I just really need to get this out and this is the only place where talking about such things is acceptable, so I have to either do it here or go insane by myself. I promise this is not a plea for attention, so feel free to ignore it and go merrily along your way. I'm upset, so don't let the lack of coherency surprise you.

I really feel like I can't please him anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm too ugly, I'm too fat, I'm not good enough in bed, I complain too much, I'm not sexy enough, probably a combination of those things and much more. If I just knew, I could handle it and probably even fix it but he's not telling me. All I can see is that he's lost all enthusiasm about using me and no matter how much I run around trying to please him, his reaction is always blasé.

He used to play with me for hours, but now it's just a quickie where he seems to just go through the motions and it's become so repetitive. Most of the time he only wants to cuddle these days. He still has plenty of interest in me in other ways and even wants to spend more time with me than I'd like to spend with him, but he seems to have lost all interest in me serving him. Has he suddenly gone vanilla and he's just keeping up with the bdsm to please me? How sad and ironic would that be?

I don't know how I'd deal with that. I play a little bit of a dominant role in other aspects of the relationship since he despises making decisions and I despise having decisions made for me, which usually satisfies me just fine. But that is going to drive me insane if I don't have the submission to balance it out. I am getting overwhelmed with guilt that I am just a bitchy, dominant girlfriend and I feel like he's going to start hating me soon. I know he won't, but I still feel like he will.

Pathetic though it may be, I can't help it. I absolutely need to see him pleased with me to have any sense of self-worth about myself. And now it's affecting other aspects of my life because it's making me depressed. If I'm not even good enough to please him, how can I possibly be successful in other aspects of my life? I can't stand knowing I'm such a bad slave but having no idea what to do about it. I really need a big, painful punishment to ease the guilt.

[AndrewBlack]

Maybe it's not you, maybe it's him. Sounds like things may have changed without you being the cause for the change.

I don't think people change their sexual tastes overnight and am therefore basing this on the assumption that he was genuinely into this and not doing it purely for your satisfaction.

Is he depressed or are bad things happening to him? Is he frustrated in some way at the moment? Have you spoken to him about this?

[spike]

flicka, how much of the concerns you bring to this forum is your partner aware of?

If he knows you're worried about the causes of your desires, and that you are confused by others trying to foist their definitions of BDSM on you, and that you feel you must be a bad slave, then maybe he feels that what you really need IS a cuddle. I'd give you one if I could.

You're rant tells us what you feel you need. Does he know? If he does, there's a real problem, I guess. If he doesn't, show the rant to him. And look forward to a good heavy punishment for bad communication.

Spike

[Eraser]

you beat me to the question Spike :P

[duktig flicka]

Thank you...

AndrewBlack, I don't think he's depressed. I'm the first to know when he feels under the weather. He seems to be perfectly happy, and happy to be with me, but not for me to serve him anymore. On the contrary, it seems like he's wanting me to get more dominant as he wants me to make every little decision. I'm happy to do that, but only if I can balance it out. It makes me feel so guilty.

spike..um..well..
*goes red in the the face*

I don't want to worry him. I've told him briefly that I had some bad stuff in the past, but I don't think he'd want to hear me prattering on about details. If he wanted to know, he'd ask, right? I'm not going to push it onto him. That kind of stuff is taboo. I don't like talking about it and certainly no one wants to hear about it so I need to just be mature and forget about it.

He doesn't know that I associate with other people in bdsm. I'm embarassed to tell him.

There's no way I can bring up the issue from this post with him. How can I say that without turning it around to be about my needs instead of his? If I tried to bring it up, it would just be me blubbering that I'm not good enough and he'd say "there there" and nothing would be accomplished except that I'd be annoying.

Maybe I'm even worse than I thought. But if he wants to know something, then surely he'll ask. I don't want to be talking about myself all the time. What would I say?

[spike]

..um..well..
*goes red in the the face*
I don't want to worry him. I've told him briefly that I had some bad stuff in the past, but I don't think he'd want to hear me prattering on about details. If he wanted to know, he'd ask, right?

Wrong! If he thought it would hurt you to go into your past, he would avoid the subject or approach it very carefully. (If he is a caring and responsible person who feels for you, that is.)

Communication, a cornerstone of good relationships of all kinds, vanilla and bdsm, requires you to tell him what you feel. It's the only way he can find out. And finding out is the only way he can get any idea what the right thing to do is.

He doesn't know that I associate with other people in bdsm. I'm embarassed to tell him.

Perhaps not so embarrassed as you are to tell him what you need. If you trust him, show it.

There's no way I can bring up the issue from this post with him. How can I say that without turning it around to be about my needs instead of his?

It's not turning it around. That is precisely what it is. And he needs to know.

I don't want to be talking about myself all the time. What would I say?

What you have said to us. He already knows you and feels for you, we are a load of strangers. Doesn't he deserve to know what we know?

Talking about your needs once isn't 'talking about yourself all the time'. Give him a chance, flicka.

Spike

[Curtis]

Spike's got darn near the perfect reply up there, so I'll just try to muddy it a little.

If I have this correctly from other threads, you're working on a Master's in Psychology, but you don't believe in communication? Disconnect alert!

There are a number of reasons why your boyfriend (NOT husband!) hasn't been asking questions about this. First, he's a guy. Not all guys are clueless, but enough are to keep the stereotype alive. He may not realize that there's anything wrong with your end of the relationship, especially if there's nothing wrong with his. One of my pet phrases to use on women who accuse me of being insensitive to their needs is, "I'm sorry, I left my mind reading cap at home today." Where did women ever get the idea that we can tell what's wrong (or even that something is wrong) just from the tone of their voice or the expression on their face? I can't tell that my brakes are locked up when my car's pulling to the right and there's smoke coming from the wheel well. Completely clueless.

Second, he might figure that you don't want to talk about it (which you don't), so he's just being sensitive to what he perceives as your need. This would put him one up the evolutionary scale from me, but still doesn't help the situation.

Third, he's accustomed to you taking charge everywhere but the bedroom (wish I could find a girlfriend like that), so he may be assuming that you'll take the initiative in broaching this subject.

There are others, but I'll leave them as an exercise for the student.

You're not too ugly or too fat. Unless your appearance has changed A LOT {emphasis, emphasis} since you started the relationship, since you looked good enough to get him, then you look good enough to keep him. For most guys, once he's had you in bed, looks drop about six positions on their priority list.

Finally (for now), Spike is exactly right that this IS about your needs, so no turning is necessary. Not hearing his side of the story, it seems as though his needs are being met. You communicate beautifully in writing. If you really can't talk to him about this (nonsense, but we'll allow the fiction), then write him a letter. The next time you see him, drop to your knees with your head bowed and wordlessly hand him the letter. The embarassment alone may be enough to satisfy your need to be punished.

[spike]

What he said. ^^

Spike

[jaeangel]

Okay. Damn, where do I start...? Umm.
Flicka, I looked at your profile. You're actually not that much younger than i am (I was born in '79, you in '81) but I think maybe you're a fairly new dancer on the D/s stage.
"It seems like he's wanting me to get more dominant..."
In your profile you mention that you have an interest/background/whatever in ballet. Have you ever danced a pas de deux? The lead changes in a pas de deux. Sometimes the spotlight's on you, and you have to lead the dance. And sometimes it's on your partner, and he has to lead.
The same thing is true in D/s. You have to take the lead sometimes. So does he. He can't take the lead all the time, otherwise it stops being a pas de deux and starts being a solo, and you're left waiting in the wings for him to claim you to rejoin the dance. So if he turns the spotlight on you, so to speak, it's not because he's not happy to be with you anymore, it's simply your turn to lead. Don't feel guilty about it, that's just the way things ARE in D/s. Or should be. There are relationships out there where the Dominant micromanages everything, and from what I've read about you in your posts, you'd hate that!
"I've told him I had some bad stuff in the past..."
Believe me, I know what bad stuff in the past is. I was physically abused (think haircut with a meat cleaver, whole weekends not allowed to sleep or eat, kneeling in a corner having my ass and legs and hands bruised with a two-inch diameter hickory branch, that kind of thing) and emotionally abused as a child by my adopted mother (who never told me I was adopted and lied to me about it for 20 years) and by kids at school because I was adopted and because I was a Korean kid in a school full of rich white snobs, raped at fourteen and had to get an abortion in secret because I didn't dare tell my mom, got in a bad S/M relationship when I was nineteen that put me in the hospital, found out I was adopted only after it was too late to find anything out about my birth parents, got disowned by said mother when I became pregnant by my fiance, and had to elope with him because she didn't want to get married. We all have stuff in our pasts we'd like not to think about. Some more than others. But if you truly want to get anywhere with your significant other, you need to be upfront with what you need, want, and desire. You may not get into details with him...but he does need to know that. Past abuse does have some bearing on current lifestyle choices.
"I don't like talking about it..."
Neither do I, Flicka.
"No one wants to hear about it..."
Yes they do. If the people who are around you care about you, they do want to hear about it. If they don't, you need to get rid of them. Fast.
"I need to just be mature and forget about it..."
Since the technology hasn't been invented yet that would make you able to selectively delete certain brain cells that store bad memories in them, the forgetting part is pretty much out of the question. And maturity isn't about forgetting; maturity is about accepting what happened, talking to yourself or having someone to talk to about the welter of hurt feelings and emotional turmoil, and accepting that there's nothing you can do about it now. Nietsche said, 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. Sometimes that's true, depending on the 'what' and the 'you', but having someone you love and respect listening to your problems and cuddling you when you want to cry helps a lot. And sometimes the person you choose to cry on isn't your significant other. There's nothing wrong with that.
"He doesn't know that I associate with others in BDSM...I'm embarassed to tell him..."
Sweetheart, if you can't tell him then who can you tell? He already knows you're 'into' the life, you both are engaging in the D/s dance, and you're both consenting adults. If he can't accept your lifestyle choices then he's not mature enough to accept being your dominant.
"If he wanted to know he'd ask..."
*sigh* Men won't ask about stuff like this. Simply because they are men. Did you know that men have fewer neural connections in their brains going from emotion centers to thought centers to speech centers? Almost 50% fewer than women do. Know what this means? THEY DON'T ASK ABOUT EMOTION STUFF BECAUSE THEY CAN'T. They aren't hardwired that way, the hardware is missing. God forgot to install the hardware to go with the software! So while they may be curious about that, they physically can't ask.There are exceptions, but mostly that's the rule. So if you want him to know something, YOU have to bring it up.
"Maybe I'm worse than I thought..."
*deeper sigh* You're being too hard on yourself. (Don't feel bad, so am I.) Unecessarily. Stop beating yourself over the head, because it's not going to do anything but give you a headache!
"I don't want to be talking about myself all the time. What would I say?..."
Exactly what you've said here. All you're doing here on the forums..all ANY of us are doing here...is talking about ourselves; what we like-want-need-hate-love-stuff like that. And there are enough of us who are interested in what the other person has to say that we manage to keep some fairly brisk conversations going around here. The fact that you have this many replies to a thread YOU started means there are people out there interested in hearing YOU talk about yourself. The fact that you've had the patience to get through this long-ass post to get to this part says you're interested in what I have to say about myself as it relates to yourself. So if HE cares about you AT ALL, which he obviously does, then he'll be twice as interested in what you have to say as we are. And if he isn't, then as much as you care about him, you need to get out of the relationship.
And one other thing to consider. Masters do need to be trained. They need to be shown what to do with a D/S relationship. Perhaps, if you directed him to these forums, he'd jave a better understanding of how to deal with your relationship. That's why forums like this one exist. To learn. If he was experienced with D/s you would probably not have the kinds of problems you're having now. If he isn't experienced then the problems you're having right now are common, and he should come in here and chat for a bit and do some reading. Either way he could benefit from coming here. "Hey, I found this really neat site with stories and stuff, and I liked this story, and maybe you'd like it, check it out. And oh, by the way, there's a message board for people into 'the life' and I've been lurking and maybe putting out a few posts because I was curious and they really are neat, and they'd love to meet the owner of such a good sub and find out how you trained me..." which isn't really the truth, but men need to have their egos stroked so you can get away with saying stuff like this (I'm married, I know!) and in the process of coming here to 'teach', he will learn, and your relationship will be better .
And now that I've talked your ear off, I'll let you think on that...

[spike]

and what she said too ^^

Spike

[jaeangel]

See what I mean? Case in point. Spike agrees with me on the man thing too!

Don't you, Spike?
*grins and slaps him on the back*