Yes, this is just a rant. I just really need to get this out and this is the only place where talking about such things is acceptable, so I have to either do it here or go insane by myself. I promise this is not a plea for attention, so feel free to ignore it and go merrily along your way. I'm upset, so don't let the lack of coherency surprise you.

I really feel like I can't please him anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm too ugly, I'm too fat, I'm not good enough in bed, I complain too much, I'm not sexy enough, probably a combination of those things and much more. If I just knew, I could handle it and probably even fix it but he's not telling me. All I can see is that he's lost all enthusiasm about using me and no matter how much I run around trying to please him, his reaction is always blasé.

He used to play with me for hours, but now it's just a quickie where he seems to just go through the motions and it's become so repetitive. Most of the time he only wants to cuddle these days. He still has plenty of interest in me in other ways and even wants to spend more time with me than I'd like to spend with him, but he seems to have lost all interest in me serving him. Has he suddenly gone vanilla and he's just keeping up with the bdsm to please me? How sad and ironic would that be?

I don't know how I'd deal with that. I play a little bit of a dominant role in other aspects of the relationship since he despises making decisions and I despise having decisions made for me, which usually satisfies me just fine. But that is going to drive me insane if I don't have the submission to balance it out. I am getting overwhelmed with guilt that I am just a bitchy, dominant girlfriend and I feel like he's going to start hating me soon. I know he won't, but I still feel like he will.

Pathetic though it may be, I can't help it. I absolutely need to see him pleased with me to have any sense of self-worth about myself. And now it's affecting other aspects of my life because it's making me depressed. If I'm not even good enough to please him, how can I possibly be successful in other aspects of my life? I can't stand knowing I'm such a bad slave but having no idea what to do about it. I really need a big, painful punishment to ease the guilt.