BDSM Vs. Vanilla r/l?

[Asia]

To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity...
[Oscar Wilde]

I’m not really sure where I should be posting this thread – but here seems like a good a place as any -and I need answers *help!*

I admit I never really appreciated that word ‘vanilla’ – it felt cruel or possibly derogatory. I thought the word ‘traditional’ made more sense but hey – I’m so far behind with what is right or wrong, I had a recent lesson in why vanilla sex is so very different from the BDSM one that most of us lead.

I recently have had some major life changes, one of them being leaving my man and woman – with both of whom I shared a fulfilling and progressive real-life BDSM relationship. It’s been more than a decade since I have been ‘single’. Before you think I’m callous, I left them both for very good reasons – I’ve asked Confessor_Ed to set up a ‘Confession Box’ on this site, so I can redeem myself for my sins. I regress….

Firstly, I split up with my man on the 2nd of August, the day after his Grandpa’s funeral *needs to visit the Confession Box*. Therefore, more than a month on, and several other major life changes, one of my bosses set me up on a blind date. The sheer horror of it! *yikes* Still, the impulsive side of me went along for curiosity’s sake. Admittedly, he was a conventionally handsome man, dark hair, blue eyes, shame he was my age (having a preference for older men) but it’s was only a date and I haven’t been on one of those in over 10 years. It helped that he was witty and amusing. To cut a very long story short, drinks were drank, much merriment was had, and people’s secrets started to come out and I admit, I went back to his hotel room. Now, this is when it struck me …. He had mentioned ‘ideal partners’ and I had mentioned that I enjoyed dominant men who were full of confidence, even when confronted by a somewhat dominant woman. He proclaimed he was very sexually dominant and he just hadn’t met the right woman who was willing to experiment. Now, for someone who hasn’t ‘dated’ in many years and is used to regular sex, I got a wee bit over excited and became a wee bit open but not too much – about light bondage, my neck, exhibitionism, etc. Nearly everything I had to say from that point onwards seemed to bring a look of confusion to his face. I didn’t even mention humiliation, knife-play/fucking, forced sex role-play, erotic-asphyxiation, pussy and/or ass whipping and spanking, not even anal sex. So, I reverted back to being a teenager and decided to go for it *needs to visit the Confession Box* – I now know why the term ‘vanilla sex’ exists. He keeps calling me saying he wants to see me again and he thinks we have something ‘unique’, and I’ve blocked his number because that was THE most boring ‘sex’ I’ve ever had.

Can someone tell me if this is what it is going to be like from now on in real life? Am I doomed to a life of vanilla sex?!
Asia
xxx

[chattel69]

You are only doomed to vanilla sex if that is what you go for. Finding a man or women which ever or both if you so choose who is Dominant will take time but I wouldn't settle for vanilla if what you want is BDSM.

[Asia]

Dearest chatelle,
Thank you for answering - having been so long in relationships thatsatisfied me, it dawned on me that I'd never had a 'vanilla' sexuality in my whole life - it was a shock. Thank you again for your advice, those who seek will find and I'm a patient woman.
~kisses~
Asia
xxx

[Ozme52]

*Oz gets out his identification papers. Yep! "It's official." Says right here... "older man."*


Asia (and welcome back)

Don't despair. I suggest you look for someone who is overly intelligent and maybe even somewhat nerdy. They're the ones who will have enough wits about them to "cater" to your needs.

Aside from that, many people think that a home life and "stability" is their goal in life and take whatever sex they "can get" and whatever kind of sex goes with it. For others, the sex is the ends in and of itself, and not a means of getting something else. Strive for what you want and need. If you find partners who don't, can't, or won't meet your needs, move on.

*Now... where did I put that 'Official Nerd' authentication stamp?*

[t.shirt]

Older man above me again. This isnt going to work is it. lol. I say stick with what you know and enjoy the most. I was stuck in vanilla for years and thoughti was going mad. Youve not experience vanilla before so now you think youre going mad! lol. I bet you and your man get back together in the next month and this won't even be a problem. Lucky bloke! lol
T.Shirt

[Warbaby1943]

You can have whatever you want out of life. Who in their right mind could deny you anything? Just take a little time looking and I'm certain you will find what you want and need.

[frankee]

Sweet Asia

Don't ever settle, you deserve more than that! It's a bit of a cliche but, 'good things come to those who wait'. Since you said the you are a patient woman, i'm sure you'll find person(s) that will satisfy your every desire, want & need.

So damn good to have you back

big hugs & kisses

[Tojo]

Geez give it time girl, you may not find the 'right one' today or tomorrow, but they're out there somewhere.

I hear this every day- the search for the perfect one is so hard. On the bright side, you only need one (well maybe two...)

Patience is a virtue in a straight woman, & is essential in a sub IMO.


Tojo

[Ruby]

Hi Asia,

You don't have to settle for a BDSM-less relationship.
Keep your sense of humor with you along with that patience.

And don't be afraid to tell someone you are interested in what turns you on. Let's borrow some wisdom from Wayne in Wayne's World:

[Garth fears throwing up if he talks to his dream girl.]
Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.

If you tell them what you want and they bolt, it's their loss and you can check off another possible candidate, guilt free.

Good luck in your search for a suitable partner(s),

Ruby

[frankee]

Hi Asia,

You don't have to settle for a BDSM-less relationship.
Keep your sense of humor with you along with that patience.

And don't be afraid to tell someone you are interested in what turns you on. Let's borrow some wisdom from Wayne in Wayne's World:

[Garth fears throwing up if he talks to his dream girl.]
Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.

If you tell them what you want and they bolt, it's their loss and you can check off another possible candidate, guilt free.

Good luck in your search for a suitable partner(s),

Ruby

lol i love it!, that's an awesome post and good advice!

[Tojo]

Right on Ruby.

When things were getting serious with my wife, I said 'there's something I need to tell you b4 we get too serious' I went & grabbed a handful of my bondage mags & showed her.

She's still with me 18 years later. It was meant to be alright.

The thing about me having so many girls hasn't always been as easy for her to accept, however....

Tojo

[Ruby]

Tojo,

I can relate to that. If T has asked for me to share him early in our marriage, I would have said no fracken way. That he lets me play Miss to my Nat is a huge deal. It could have been a marriage breaker if we were much younger, but T knows that T comes first.

And, if T asked me not to be Nat's Miss, Nat and I would honor his wishes. Happily for all of us, he hasn't asked. Nat satisfies the "switchy" side of myself.

Ruby

[she_screams]

sorry to sound like chantelle from BB but at least you didnt have to put up with vanila, you were lving the dream! i think it's a shock both ways. t shirt has got a point, i bet you guys make it up soon, ive never heard of any unmarried couple not straying after 10 years together. i read your confession thing and once you get over that bet youre back on with a big smile on your face and a few marks on your bottom
s_s x

[Asia]

*Oz gets out his identification papers. Yep! "It's official." Says right here... "older man."*


Asia (and welcome back)

Don't despair. I suggest you look for someone who is overly intelligent and maybe even somewhat nerdy. They're the ones who will have enough wits about them to "cater" to your needs.Aside from that, many people think that a home life and "stability" is their goal in life and take whatever sex they "can get" and whatever kind of sex goes with it. For others, the sex is the ends in and of itself, and not a means of getting something else. Strive for what you want and need. If you find partners who don't, can't, or won't meet your needs, move on.

*Now... where did I put that 'Official Nerd' authentication stamp?*

Thank you honey. Very wise words - although I'm sure about older men, I don't necessarily agree with 'nerdy' *laughs*
~kiss~
Asia
xxx

[Asia]

Older man above me again. This isnt going to work is it. lol. I say stick with what you know and enjoy the most. I was stuck in vanilla for years and thoughti was going mad. Youve not experience vanilla before so now you think youre going mad! lol. I bet you and your man get back together in the next month and this won't even be a problem. Lucky bloke! lol
T.Shirt

You see honey, I'm just very paradoxical - I'm as shocked as someone who has always been 'vanilla' might be to find someone who isn't. I kinda always thought everyone was into some form of BDSM, as has been my entire sexual history. Me and my noe ex-man thought we were being kinky when we had 'vanilla' - yup - I'm odd *laughs*
Asia
xxx

[Asia]

Geez give it time girl, you may not find the 'right one' today or tomorrow, but they're out there somewhere. I hear this every day- the search for the perfect one is so hard. On the bright side, you only need one (well maybe two...) Patience is a virtue in a straight woman, & is essential in a sub IMO.
Tojo

But Tojo- I had the 'right one' but messed up and with regards to patience, I'm a bi-sexual, switch - what on earth are we supposed to do *laughs* Sorry for the age old questions and thank you so much for your advice.
Asia
~kiss~
xxx

[Asia]

You can have whatever you want out of life. Who in their right mind could deny you anything? Just take a little time looking and I'm certain you will find what you want and need.

As ever WB,
You are right. I feel a lot more relaxed about the whole situation since coming back on here and guess who I have to thank for that *blows a kiss*
Asia
xxx

[Asia]

Sweet Asia
Don't ever settle, you deserve more than that! It's a bit of a cliche but, 'good things come to those who wait'. Since you said the you are a patient woman, i'm sure you'll find person(s) that will satisfy your every desire, want & need.
So damn good to have you back
big hugs & kisses

frankee honey, I say I'm patient then demonstrate my impatience - typically me *laughs* So wonderful to see you again angel, my shining wee star. Mistress Cindy, she's a lucky woman.
~kisses and hugs~
Asia
xxx

[Asia]

Hi Asia,

You don't have to settle for a BDSM-less relationship.
Keep your sense of humor with you along with that patience.
And don't be afraid to tell someone you are interested in what turns you on. Let's borrow some wisdom from Wayne in Wayne's World:
[Garth fears throwing up if he talks to his dream girl.]
Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.
If you tell them what you want and they bolt, it's their loss and you can check off another possible candidate, guilt free.
Good luck in your search for a suitable partner(s),
Ruby

Ruby,
It's been said that God is a woman, and after reading that - Are you the Goddess? Thank you for making me lugh and see sense
~kisses~
Asia
xxx

[Asia]

Right on Ruby.

When things were getting serious with my wife, I said 'there's something I need to tell you b4 we get too serious' I went & grabbed a handful of my bondage mags & showed her. She's still with me 18 years later. It was meant to be alright. The thing about me having so many girls hasn't always been as easy for her to accept, however.... Tojo

Tojo,

********************
I can relate to that. If T has asked for me to share him early in our marriage, I would have said no fracken way. That he lets me play Miss to my Nat is a huge deal. It could have been a marriage breaker if we were much younger, but T knows that T comes first. And, if T asked me not to be Nat's Miss, Nat and I would honor his wishes. Happily for all of us, he hasn't asked. Nat satisfies the "switchy" side of myself. Ruby

Dearest Tojo and Ruby,
Thanks for the insight, it seems that I go about things the wrong way - I was openly into bondage and exhitionism, etc from the start and now, at 34, had my first vanilla experience - I think it cuts both ways - again, I thank you both and hope we all get what we all want.
My love
Asia
xxx

[MsUther]

Asia. All will be good. As said earlyer, give it some time. Try settle down in your new situation and get some contact with yourself. Its a shock to suddently be on your own again. And if you feel blame and regret for the brake up, it is even harder to come to terms with the new setting and get yourself grounded and ready for what life can bring you.

I am sorry that you have been through this lately. Its horrible and disturbing to end a relationship. But it can also give you new and unexpected wiews and experiences.....Vanilla sex not being one that you welcomed, but still, now you know

I`ll send you loads of hugs and comforting thoughts over the channel.

[Timberwolf]

On top of the good advice already there, my advice is to seek someone you feel you can be totally honest with. I dont' claim to be the most experineced guy in the word relationship-wise but I know if you're looking for a serious thing to work, you need the following: Honesty, trust (which spawns out of honesty), and respect (which develops through trust). If you can find those three things as a base with someone, then you've got something worth building on as a relationship. I'm sure if you give it time you can find a man who can gain those things with you... there's got to be one or two of us floating out there somewhere.

And Ruby, as always you know exactly how to sum it up.

[Asia]

Asia. All will be good. As said earlyer, give it some time. Try settle down in your new situation and get some contact with yourself. Its a shock to suddently be on your own again. And if you feel blame and regret for the brake up, it is even harder to come to terms with the new setting and get yourself grounded and ready for what life can bring you.I am sorry that you have been through this lately. Its horrible and disturbing to end a relationship. But it can also give you new and unexpected wiews and experiences.....Vanilla sex not being one that you welcomed, but still, now you know I`ll send you loads of hugs and comforting thoughts over the channel.

Honey,
As ever - wise words ... I've decided to wear an invisible chasity belt - for my own protection *smiles* I've also just realised that I actually am enjoying being single again - so much more time and less housework and my friends have been wonderful - it is actually an adventure I should embrace - and I will. Your words, again - touching but really, I'm just grand. I'm a tougher cookie than I might come across as..and I'll never sacrifice my sexuality or personality nor expect someone else to do the same for me. All my love....
~kiss and hugs for the beautiful and wise Ms Uther~
Asia
xxx

[Asia]

On top of the good advice already there, my advice is to seek someone you feel you can be totally honest with. I dont' claim to be the most experineced guy in the word relationship-wise but I know if you're looking for a serious thing to work, you need the following: Honesty, trust (which spawns out of honesty), and respect (which develops through trust). If you can find those three things as a base with someone, then you've got something worth building on as a relationship. I'm sure if you give it time you can find a man who can gain those things with you... there's got to be one or two of us floating out there somewhere. And Ruby, as always you know exactly how to sum it up.

Wolfie!
I've decided not to be a hunter - I'll do what I've always done and if something clicks, it'll click and then, I'll go with the flow. Honesty, trust and respect - I had all of those but managed to chuck them all away in a moment of maddness - those wre my key words before - damn me *pinches her thigh*
I'm now a happy single woman who is still friends with her ex's - best of friends, you can't live with someone for 10 years and love another for 6 years without being their best friends in the first place. I'm actually enjoying myself *smiles*
Asia
xxx

[Warbaby1943]

As ever WB,
You are right. I feel a lot more relaxed about the whole situation since coming back on here and guess who I have to thank for that *blows a kiss*
Asia
xxx

No thanks necessary but keep those kisses coming.

[Asia]

WB - you wouldn't even have to ask
~multiple kisses~
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[MsUther]

I`m glad you`re a tough li`ll cookie, Asia. I love the ones with a mix of fudge and hard surfaces and soft spots and even the od nut in between...

Kisses!

[Asia]

I`m glad you`re a tough li`ll cookie, Asia. I love the ones with a mix of fudge and hard surfaces and soft spots and even the od nut in between...

Kisses!

And with friends like you, I'm dark and hard on the outside but have a soft and creamy centre - okay, with just one large nut as well *laughs*

And you my darling would be creamy white chocolate that quite literally melts in your mouth - damn - I'm misbehaving again *wink*
~kisses to this adorable woman~
Asia
xxx

[Qmoq]

Firstly, welcome back Asia! This is the first thread of yours that I've posted on since your return, and I'm glad that I can uncross everything that I've kept crossed for the past month. Oo ah. That's gonna hurt in the morning.

Right, now to talk about this thread! There have been other BDSM vs Vanilla threads, and maybe this is my inexperience showing, but I could certainly see myself in a wholly vanilla relationship, if I really loved the gal in question. If I did a Tojo and showed my eventual partner a bunch of bondage mags and she crinkled her nose, I could happily see out the rest of my days with only the odd look at this site when she wasn't looking.

As for your boring guy, Asia, I'm sorry he was so dull, but I'm sure he must have been nervous and you may not have got the best from him. It'd be a brave man here who wouldn't be nervous the first time with you!

Now, if you'll just excuse me while I forge my birth certificate to make myself more than a few months older than you...

Q xx

[Confessor_Ed]

Asia, I agree with Qmoq who is probably the same age as me and taking those ageing pills. LOL. You said it yourself, you started upside down BD to Vanilla and faithful for 10 years and 6 years, everyone is going for feel boring after all the intimacy and knowledge you've shared with the same two people after all that time! After reading your confession in the 'confession box' I can see a pattern here pet. I'm an hour away and a phone call away. You already feel like a sister to me, ok, maybe my mates' sister
Ed. x

And please could you put your bottom and legs away, and your other woman bits, I can't concentrate! LOL