Why am I so sensitive about this?

[master 327-834-200]

Mishka, I have just recently ended a relationship of 6 years. During the last 12-18 months, we had had no sex at all. During the previous years, it had reduced rapidly from the moment we started liviing together, no more than 4-6 times a year (previously it had been at least frequent). We are still living together - still sleeping in the same bed, since it makes no difference - but are separated. As it happens, I am now in the start of a r/l BDSM relationship.

I have been through many, many negative feelings because of this: why doesn't he want to, what's wrong with me, I must be so unattractive, I must be doing it wrong, etc etc. Eventually I realised - having tried many times to talk to him and coax him and seduce him and cajole him and tease him, you name it, including trying to get him to go to counselling with me - that it wasn't me. I wanted sex, I was open and willing to talk and to try to change and learn so as to please him. He just would not open up. I did not discuss it generally because it was after all private between the two of us, but in the end I was so desperate, I had to talk to someone A dear friend of mine just snorted and said "Oh come on - life's too short!"

It takes two: you cannot do all the running; you have the right to be fulfilled and happy. So does he, of course: but you both also have responsibility for yourselves and for your own lives. You are making an effort to improve it: he is not. That is not your fault!

No-one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I know what my choice was eventually, but that is not to say that is the right path for you. I really hope you manage to solve it and find happiness and fulfilment, one way or another.

Great advice that it has taken me over 20 years to accept. I hope other people do not wait as long as I did and allow things to get so complicated.

[moptop]

Oh, post script: having been learning a lot about myself and others here, I have come to the conclusion that he is a sub. I won't go into the details of why I believe this, but I am firmly convinced of it. It is therefore impossible for us to reach compatibility since I am principally a sub.

Have you considered this as a possiblity within your relationship? He might be battling very hard against what he thinks of as 'unnatural urges'. That wouldn't help you to resolve your sexual situation, but it might help him to find out what fulfils him, and you might at least end up with two people who have found and accepted their natural inclination and are happy with it.

Probably not very helpful... sorry.

[_ID_]

You mention the sex doesn't interest him. What does, what does he get excited about. If he likes sports, try being his cheerleader, if he likes cars, be his groupie. If he likes home improvement, perhaps you can ask him to build some bedroom accessories....

What I am getting at. If he doesn't see sex as a motivator, find what does motivate, and make it sexual.

Don't know if that helps or not.

V/R
ID

[learningtopleez]

However, there was a time he was so incredibly angry with me for complaining about not getting enough he through a chair into the wall...several times. Yes, it was his anxiety and depression talking, there was other things he was upset about, but he took it out on me, it was scary. He doesn't ever want to do that again, he's very angry with himself for losing control. He has gotten angry that I bugged him so much about it. I haven't in a long time because of that. Every time I bring up the subject I get nervous.

See, now this scares me! He can be frustrated and angry and pissed off all he wants, but throwing a chair into the wall....several times, and taking it out on you is just plain wrong! And all because you wanted sex?????? Mishka hun, you should be able to say anything to him without the fear of him throwing a chair, or taking out his frustration on you! Him losing control that way is a huge problem, and it worries me that it could become physical. I was in a relationship with a man (not the ex hubby) who got angry and took out his frustrations on me. We had been together for 2 1/2 years and I had known him for twenty years when we got together, and I never in a million years thought he would hit me, but he did. He hit me twice that night, but I managed to get away. I had him arrested and put in jail the same night, and while he was in jail, I had all of my belongings packed up on a moving van and taken to storage. And I had to go threw lots of court BS, but I did it, because he was WRONG! Never, never take your husband losing control that way lightly. Take care of you and your kids first and foremost. I am not saying he has abused you in any way. But the two of you should be able to sit and have a conversation about your lives without throwing freakin' chairs or without you feeling nervous to even broach the subject! Sorry for ranting on and on about this, but it is a subject that touches a nerve with me! Guess you can tell by all this talk!

Now on to another part of your post!

He wouldn't touch me between my legs for eight years. He has briefly tasted me between my legs (about 3 times in 12 years) but as he says "he isn't there yet". Note, I said tasted. Nothing he did could really be called oral sex. Better to have tried than not tried at all. That I have given up on. No sex during the week, we've only recently started doing it at night since the morning is so noisy. (by started I mean once)

OH

MY

GOD!

NO ORAL?? Dear God I would die! And after twelve years he STILL "isn't there yet?" And it took him 8 years to even touch your pussy? *faints....thud* He must be very prudish, but one would think after so many years that the man would want to at least give it a try! It just boggles the mind, I tell ya! I'm not trying to be crude Mishka....I guess it's just hard for me to wrap my brain around.

With my ex hubby, well he wasn't the kind of man your husband is. Sex was not our downfall. Although he was a very "routine" kinda guy. We always did the same thing everytime, with very little variation, when it came to sex. But he was a very opinionated man, and his opinion was always correct in his eyes. We had been married for 14 years when I left him the first time. My kids were 13 and 11. I talked to them first and gave them the option of staying with their Dad or coming with me. I also made sure they understood that my reasons for leaving had nothing to do with them. They chose to stay with their Dad. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I knew I couldn't live like I had been living anymore. After being assaulted by the ex assaulter, my hubby invited me to move back in so I would be safe. Yes, he is a wonderful man! We tried again, but we had grown apart, and I had hurt him badly, and didn't want to do that again. We talked, and decided that when I found a place to live I would move out again. And I did. My kids stayed behind again, but amazingly enough, have handled their Mom's comings and goings rather well. I love my kids, and I still love my husband, but he and I do not get along living in the same house. We do however get along great now! He would do anything for me, and I would for him as well. So why am I baring my soul, and telling things about myself that aren't so pretty? Because sometimes it helps others to know that they aren't alone, and that even when you love someone, sometimes it just isn't meant to be. Blaming yourself gets you nowhere. Make the decision that you and what you want in life are the most important things (other than your kids....that's a tough one), and do what you....just you can live with.

I wish you love, luck, and much happiness!

[DrkRvn]

If he suffers from depression and anxiety that could be a big part of the problem. It was depression that caused my husband to act the way he did, and he was the only one who could change that, either through medication or one day he just snapped out of it. It just happened to work out that I had to leave for two months for a job in another town and when I came back he was better, but there was a "get yourself better or else" involved, and if he hadn't been better when I came back i would have gone through with the or else part. I didn't want there to be, but I got to a point where I couldn't deal with it anymore.

There are several options. Here are some of the things we tried, they didn't all really work well, but that was us, this is you, they could work. Some are more extreme than others, its just a matter of your level of frustration.

*Have you tried a counselor or psychiatric help?I would suggest couples and individual counseling.
*Try setting aside a period of time each week where you just snuggle and make out and see what happens. Make it a time where you to can just relax get comfortable.
* if he doesn't already know that you are having and online relationship let him know.
*Try sending dirty emails to him or leaving notes in the morning about what you will do to him when he gets home adn see if you start the arousal factor in the morning and he has to anticipate it all day, if that helps get him going alittle more.
*When he doesn't feel like having sex, lay down in bed and masterbate loudy. this may arouse him. and then its your choice if he does get aroused you can either let him join you for fun or tell him no and let him feel the same denial factor you feel everyday.(thats the spiteful way, which i did once when I was really pissed off)
*As someone suggested before discuss the option of and open marriage, sometimes something that is that drastic is enough to get them to wake up.
*short term separation, if there is anyway for you to take a month "vactaion" and go stay with a friend or family member. Removing yourself from the situation can cause you to have clarity and it can again jolt him into waking up and realizing that if he doesn't do somethign he might really loose you.

[Jadetiger]

~mishka,
When I read your words I couldn’t help but cry. It reminded me so much of the pain I lived with for so many years. I wish I had magic words to make it all better but I don’t. For me it became about s3elf survival. Years for living like that was making me die inside. I was shutting down emotionally and physically and I made the decision to move on and live. All I know is you can’t make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Either he will listen to you and decide that he cares enough to make you a priority in his life or he will decide to stay the way he is.

I would suggest marriage consulting. Unfortunately too many years had passed for us and my ex didn’t want to do it unless I promised to stay. I don’t make promises like that. I was all ready feeling trapped and when he said that I knew he wouldn’t change.

My heart goes out to you both but I am concerned about his anger and violence. That is a very bad sigh. He needs help so he can express himself appropriately and before he escalates to more than just the wall.

Be safe and take care of yourself.

Jade

[lily27]

Mishka, you mention your husband is on medication. Anti-depressants?

Many anti-depressants completely suppress sex-drive. That may explain his complete non-interest. The first think I would do is send him off to the doctor to have a chat. There are some new medications that don't have this side effect.

[Mishka]

His prudishness has always been there. He has been off and on different meds, most recently paxil. The anti-depressants make it worse but aren't the cause.

I think you have all banged it into my head that this isn't my fault, or me being selfish, or something to feel terrible for needing.

My tough choice is to stay, because for my kids, I will fight for my family. I truly have tried everything that can be tried, except:
1) Masturbating in front of him and not letting him do anything
2) Asking for extra-marital um...

A sex therapist would probably be the best medicine.
Tonight I was pretty fiesty with him for dropping the ball, no easy way out of it.

oy - this is going to be a long haul. But as I said, your empathy is appreciated and just being reassured that I'm not to blame.

[star_catcher77]

Hope it turns out okay for you, because you deserve it.

on a brighter note, love your new avatar...is it a picture of yourself? whoever it is, she's positively delicious

~star

[Mishka]

Thank you *blush* it's me

[Guest 91108]

( gives a small smile escaping )

[TomOfSweden]

He has briefly tasted me between my legs (about 3 times in 12 years) but as he says "he isn't there yet".

12 years!!! Maybe that guy just isn't for you and never was? If he hasn't come around to give you a good time in bed after 12 years of marriage then maybe you're just not each others types? Sometimes seeing the ugly reality of a relationship is one nasty and painful truth.

Time to move on perhaps? There's no extra points for being in long relationships that aren't working. I've done it and I'm never going to do it again. Compromises is one thing, but sacrificing something that is important for you isn't compromising, it's dying a little every day.

Life is short.

edit: Divorce isn't half as bad for kids as seeing the parents in a shity relationship. Never forget that they're likely to copy all your misstakes in life. You're a role-model for them. What kind of life would you like them to live? Being security addicts or taking some chances in life?

edit2: Never forget that it is his responsibility to make a conscious effort in solving his problems and hang-ups. He is commited to making you happy isn't he? If he isn't or doesn't even understand, then you should definitely move on.

[orchidsoul]

Hi Mishka,

First off, my heart goes out to you.

By now, everyone has said pretty much what I was going to say... except for one thing which I'll get to.

Earlier on you mentioned everything is great except sexual compatibility. I'm a firm believer that that's very important. It's ok to be varied, and life can't always match our desires possibly creating some dry spells... but to be so completely unmatched sexually is difficult if one person has a strong libido. I remember after a break up with one man that I loved so deeply, would have spent my life with... through my tears I sort of comforted myself with the fact that at least the rest of my life wouldn't be that sex life. Don't get me wrong- it was ok, but I knew it would always be fairly straight forward and our libidos didn't match completely. I realized that day how important sexual compatibility is.

It sounds as if the anti-depressants only heighten what already exists. I would suggest a sex counselor as opposed to just couples counciling. The thought that he may be submissive crossed my mind, but when I read the part about 8 Years before he tasted your sex, what crossed my mind is perhaps he's homosexual. I don't say that in any judgement, and perhaps I'm far too sexual to understand prudish to the point of not being able to put my tongue on my spouses most intimate of places... but that's what crossed my mind. Perhaps I'm way off base and I apologize- hope no offense is taken.

I think ID has some good ideas of how to spice things up, and Master 327 has a good point about talking too much about a topic. If it's discussed too much that you're unsatisfied, your husband may be fearful to try (though it doesn't sound like he's tried to much in the past). This is in no way your fault- just two mismatched libidos- but perhaps not discussing it and acting upon it (counceling, masterbation with no participation on his part, special make out time with no pressure for sex, sexy outfits, etc) could help a little.

I really think he needs a sex therapist though- imho there's something more to this than prudish... there has to be.

Good luck and very hot av!

"Compromises is one thing, but sacrificing something that is important for you isn't compromising, it's dying a little every day. "
well said Tom.

[master 327-834-200]

A sex therapist would probably be the best medicine.

Having been there I know the very well trained ones can be excellent and I would encourage you to go but be warned like any therapy you will both have to be prepared to put the work in. If there is an underlying reason for his 'prudishness' they may be able to help confront it and bring it out in the open, but you must be prepared, there may not be a 'cure'.

[Mishka]

I'm not looking for a cure...just effort. Trying goes a long way with me.

I have talked too much in the past about it, I'm hardly an angel. But I've been learning and changing the bad habits.

what crossed my mind is perhaps he's homosexual. I don't say that in any judgement, and perhaps I'm far too sexual to understand prudish to the point of not being able to put my tongue on my spouses most intimate of places... but that's what crossed my mind. Perhaps I'm way off base and I apologize- hope no offense is taken.

Absolutely none taken. If that were the case I'd want him to be happy. But honest, it's prudishness. He's very much pro-gay rights, but seeing two men together does nothing for him...nor two women either. Porn does nothing for him, while we're on the subject. He was raised by a conservative, loving mother and his parents were both very uptight, anxious people. He's relaxed compared to most of his family!

We have our ups and downs. I try to make the very most of the ups. Naturally, the downs come and so do the tears. I'm just glad I have supportive, understanding people to talk to. It brings back the focus of what I need to be doing, and not letting me stay in self-pity for too long. This was very strengthening.

[wolfs_lilgirl]

not with the expirience but.... hugs!!!

[Stone]

Ok i will bare my soul on this one cause this sounds serious enough to do so.i will start out saying i have allways been a dom and didnt relise it.so now lets talk about my relationship my health my life the allmost failure of my marrage and the saving of it lol.i was in a bad relationship and got out of it at the time i was in a gaming clan playing unreal tournament and such.my now wife was a fellow member and had known each other for about a year or so no romantic involvement.We were bothing going through a big pile of shit we both had created for ourselves in our relationships. Both of our relationships came to an end around the same time.We both relised that we had an intrest in eachother cause we would talk to eachother about how shitty our relationships were.I took the first step and told her that i had feelings for her so we decided to meet in person which involved airlines and vacation time. i was living in florida she in cali.So i picked thanksgiving week which was like crazy i had too meet her whole family and there was some anxioty about meeting her dad and such (i am 10 years older than she)but anyways sparks flew and we were in love.She is a very intelligent strong independent woman and a feminist so i went vanilla for fear of scaring her.plus i did not think she was a sub because of her being a feminist and such.i considered her my equal so i treated her as such.not that i treat her bad now its i did not think she was into the d/s thing.we got married and everything was going good.then i went for a full check up at the doctor and got bad news doc heard a heart mumor though it might be a sloppy vaulve so went and saw a cardiologist and turn out i have a rare and very deadly heart condition.So as you can imagine that is a big blow to take but there is more.I had a funny hormone reading on a blood test that could be a sign of a tumour on the pitutatary gland....and of course it was....not cancer but its therewhile all of this was going on ohh i didnt mention this i have a daughter with my previous bitch and that is not a term of enderment but my daughter was out of control i am 3000 miles away and could do little or nothing she attempted suicide while on the phone with me so i had to call the local cops and get them there ect....so they save her take her too be taken care of ect....while there her mom gets her to say and i dont know how that i was abusive towards her and files a huge report about how i abused her beat her all kinds of bullshit.So i get a letter from that police dept.most of it wwas to have taken place over 10 years before so they cant do anything even if i did do it but they have to investigate it so i call them and tell them its bs pure and simple.Now her mom is all over me calling me all the time ect....i go to my local police a freind of the family is the head of the child abuse unit and i tell him the situtation and he advises me to get a lawyer and to break all contct with them both.so i do so.with my health and basically having to cut my daughter off i went into a serious depression.i stopped wanting sex i became really withdrawn.my whole life i have had trouble with depression but this was alot to deal with.my relationship with my wife was sprialing out of control.we both are the best of friends but i was in so much pain that i lost sight of whats important in life.i kept sliding down and down but i would have some ups that would be short lived.It got to the point where we were pretty much roomates.one day i happened to be home we were watching montel or someone and they were talking about bi-polarism depression i had like all the signs but we kinda poo pooed it off. mean while i am sinking further and further down thinking about suicide feeling worthless feeling like no one should love me feeling not good enough to be with my wife.My wife finally snapped and had had enough she threaten to leave if i didnt see the doctor so i made an appointment.the appointment was like in 2 weeks its alot of time to wait but its that way when you have a good doc.3 days before the appointment my wife brokedown she wanted it to be over she gave me my ring back and left...now i had pretty much hit rock bottom during the week cause i had started expressing how i felt to her all my feelinga i hid how depressed how i felt suicidal ( i can remember one day i dont know what set it off but i just happened to see one of my guns laying around and the urge was so strong to pick it up and end it it scared the shit out of me) well ill admit when she left i allmost did it again but had another plan that involved righting some wrongs in my life......i was packing up enough of my shit too look like i was leaving....all i was really interested in was my guns and ammo and getting addresses and such to carry out my plans(i know all this is really scarey but i want you to understand it) her dad heard about what was going on and came and talked to me while i was "packing" he stopped and taslked to me like i was his son he treated me like i was his son he broke down infront of me which was hard for me to see her dad has to be the toughest man i have met in my life.He gave me some advise and told me to fight for what i wanted to be honest to not run away and take the cowards way out and to not make rash decisions.so i sat and thought and called my wife.she came back home and we talk alittle but both of us where kinda exausted and she had to go to work but she wanted to know what i would do to "fix" us and told me that when she got home she wanted to know.So i sat and thought about it got out some paper and thought about what all i needed to do i ended up with 5 pages of shit i needed to do and stuff i needed from her.when she got home i read it all to her i wont go into details unless you really want to know.She agreed with me on all of it.then she told me that she had been dening herself on some things.she told me that she had been putting alot of pressure on me to "fix" things without telling me the problems.She told me that she was interested in the d/s lifestyle and wanted to be submissive to me to have me punish her and to be called dirty names and such.I will admit i was in shock in a way,but my cock was hard is all i know...so that night we had alot of fun and experimented.the next day was the doctors appointment told them i wanted treatment for depression the gave me 3 questionares to fill out.they showed i had alot of depression and anxioty. He dianosed me with bi-polar disorder.which head shrinker agreed with so i started taking meds for it..but in the mean time my wife and i are like newly weds my cock is either in her cunt ass or mounth on a daily basis or all or several times a day hehe....we have developed an honest and open policy we dont hide our hidden little things we share what we want sexually and such and discuss weather or not we are comfortible with it.we have yet to find our limits but we do have some rules.we both take our marrage vowes seriuosly but have discussed bringing others in (a woman) but we are not at that point yet we are enjoying eachother too much right now.alot of this story could have been avoided if we both would have been honest and tried to be something we both were not,but as you can see life can knock you down its how you pick yourself up and carry on that counts

[Widget]

I'm not looking for a cure...just effort. Trying goes a long way with me.

I have talked too much in the past about it, I'm hardly an angel. But I've been learning and changing the bad habits.



Absolutely none taken. If that were the case I'd want him to be happy. But honest, it's prudishness. He's very much pro-gay rights, but seeing two men together does nothing for him...nor two women either. Porn does nothing for him, while we're on the subject. He was raised by a conservative, loving mother and his parents were both very uptight, anxious people. He's relaxed compared to most of his family!

We have our ups and downs. I try to make the very most of the ups. Naturally, the downs come and so do the tears. I'm just glad I have supportive, understanding people to talk to. It brings back the focus of what I need to be doing, and not letting me stay in self-pity for too long. This was very strengthening.

Mishka, My heart goes out to you because I have been there too. I won't get into the details but I was treated that way by my ex and the damage it did to my self esteem was horrible. Its not your fault, don't forget that ever.

I hope things work out for you and you sound like you have gotten a second wind. But no matter what you need to remember that likely whatever issues are at hand for him, they were there before you and will be there if you leave him. They are his issues not yours, and you need to feel loved and sexual and there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone needs that.

Good luck

[tainted Angel]

*Hugs Mishka*

It is the worst feeling in the world to feel like you are invisible and that your prouncing around trying to get noticed and he is not looking or caring.

I would like to add though that not all men always have sex on the brain, there are some men out there who really don't and two people with very different sex drives is difficult at the best of times.

The pep talk though it is not your fault babe, there is nothing wrong with you, you are not unsexy or a monster or any of the millian other things that cross your mind when again you have been rejected.

I do not see how any husband who cares about their partner and their marriage could allow this to continue without at least trying for a compramise. I'm not simply talking about physically but emotionally it is so much harder to recover from.

I hope that you can find a way to talk, scream or whatever and show him that the icing on the cake for him emotionally is probably the thing that is pushing you closer and closer to the ink on the divorce papers.

I hope that didn't sound harsh. Love to you Mishka, hold your head high and never forget that you are beautiful.

[Guest 91108]

that is what i have been telling her; but she is sooo hardheaded. Grins.

[tainted Angel]

Sometimes you need to hear it from the unbiased *grins* and the outsider! Reaching out here IMO says two things, the place that you are at in your own mind is that where you feel strong enough to share and deal with resonses, which leads into my second part which would be you probably know the truth/answer/core deep down, have been told it but need some outside reasurance to solidify that.