Rhabbi's first tough assignment

[H Dean]

I shall get to disemboweling this tale as soon as time permits. Good to see it up...and only a few days after you CLAIMED you would have it up. I shall have to be thoroughly abusive for that failure. Oh yes...thoroughly abusive!

[Mad Lews]

Rhabbi,
Well you didn't disappoint me so you don't have to go back to Ruby.
I like the precise clipped military style. You expect your readers to be involved enough to draw some important implications based on a scarcity of facts. You do it well enough (IMHO) for that to work. The demand for the readers engagement helps drag them in and make them care about the story. As story telling goes it's pretty darn good. I know I have a dozen questions I want the writer to answer. I'll take a little time to go over this piece and then get back with a few suggestions. Meanwhile do you want to continue with this story or do you want to work on a different project?
You can PM me either way.
Mad

[Mad Lews]

After Action Report


“I have the AAR on the rescue operation sir.”

“Bring it in then, anything interesting?”

“You could say that sir.”

Looking up at Captain Mikhael James, Admiral Harrison realized that the
Captain had never before personally delivered an After Action Report before. (Dean will want a rewrite 2 many before s).
She set the intelligence briefing aside and looked at him.

“Something I should know?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Want to tell me?”

“No Sir.”

This was definitely unusual. Mikhael had never been this formal with her, and had never refused to tell her what was on his mind before.

“Let’s see it then.”
(Very nice set up)

After Action Report 1315 Operation Recover SOG-4, Cdr. Fraks.


Arrival at the suspected base was according to plan and apparently undetected. Infiltration went according to pre op plans. Approach to primary entry point was underway when contact made with pirate who was in an unseen cave. First contact resulted in minor causality and fatality of pirate. Enemy base also alerted.
(this type report would include precise times and locations/ enemy contact 1.7 clicks NNW of objective at 13:42 hrs resulted in…)

Immediately (give an actual time instead of ‘immediately’) implemented fallback plan and attempted secondary entry point. This entry was rigged and SOG-4 took two casualties, both fatal.

SOG-4 then retreated
(how about 'At (time) SOG-4 initiated tactical redeployment under heavy weapons fire' )
and suffered heavy weapons fire
(Grunts don’t suffer fire, they are to paid endure it and will rise to the challenge with a certain sullen pride)
from unanticipated emplacements. CES Lexington reported contact with 3 enemy cruisers and was unable to supply cover fire. Lexington then reported heavy damage and casualties. Contact with Lexington was lost.
( ...was lost at (time), I Would love to read that AAR)

SOG-4 Bravo team disengaged to circle the emplacements. At that point (again a precise time lends an authentic feel and catches the reader up in the pace of the battle) sensors detected the presence of heavy equipment closing on our location. Initial reports indicated multiple tanks and large concentrations of infantry. SOG-4 Alpha ordered an immediate disengagement from enemy forces and rendezvous at point Omega.

SOG-4 went to max stealth mode and broke into individual fists. Disengagement was successful for three of ten fists. The rest fought a retrograde action. At that point enemy air support arrived and detected the three fists that were disengaged, directing enemy ground forces to their locations.

(OK this brings about an opportunity to put some numbers on the board. How big is a fist?(5?) making the rescue team 50. It’s a fair guess and a reader might make it but you could make that a little easier, since the report is to a military commander and such info would be a given you have to be clever as to how you tell the reader, maybe by breaking down the casualties of an individual fist, foxtrot fist surprised and eliminated suffering 4 confirmed deaths, FN Goode missing and presumed captured. That sentence would serve two purposes both giving a number to the size of a fist and creating the MIA you use later.)

At this point communication broke down and sensors went offline. For a period of approximately
(Nope it would be precise( At (time ) comms and sensors went down for 16 minutes 23 seconds))
15 minutes, all electronics went down. Multiple explosions throughout area of engagement indicated battle was ongoing.
When com links and sensor network reset indications were that a massive strike against all enemy positions and forces had eliminated them.
(Maybe something like ‘had suppressed all resistance)
Survey( maybe initial recon) indicated one hundred percent casualty rate among enemy forces, but no fatalities.

SOG-4 casualties amounted to an additional seven personnel, one fatality, and one MIA. Two fists were detached from group. Fist SOG-4 A five was assigned to find the MIA. Fist SOG-4 B five was assigned to care for all the casualties.

Primary objective of entry into enemy facility and was now possible through main entrance. Initial entry made by sensor drone indicated more enemy casualties. Casualty rate appeared to be consistent with previous recorded rates outside the facility.

No apparent collateral damage to facility indicated. No indication as to the method of incapacitating such large numbers of personnel indicated.
(No residual chemical, electromagnetic, or biological agents detectable(first thing a good officer would suspect and check for))
Highly recommend research into method used. (See appendix for attached 3V.)

(Perimeter was secured and) All remaining Fists of SOG-4 entered facility and search instituted
( at (time) search initiated for...)
for prisoners believed to be here. All enemy casualties placed under guard by available personnel.

Installation approximately four times the size indicated by intelligence briefings. Recommend that vetting of current intelligence sources increase in frequency and that accuracy be primary goal thereof. SOG-4 S4 indicates that data recovered from facility should make it possible to develop additional sources.

Prisoners located on the lowest level. Indications are that pirate group did not favor advanced interrogation techniques. All prisoners held in a common area where they could watch as
( This is more Deans area but maybe ...could watch while fellow prisoners were interrogated and tortured)
interrogation and torture. Initial intelligence reports about Pirates being in league with slavers are probably accurate although further analysis of new data indicated.

Report of typical treatment of prisoner included to facilitate understanding of seriousness of situation. Following is an excerpt of the initial interview of Lt Jana Hunter of CSE Howler: Formal report in appendix.
(Oh Boy sex and violence!!)

I was captured while on special assignment to survey a suspected pirate route. We were to simply attempt to locate any beacons and were in one of the
( a lightly armed, or better yet, an unarmed, give the girl an excuse to give up so easily)
combat shuttles. No problems were anticipated.


The pirate cruiser surprised us and I made the decision to surrender rather than fight a battle I had no chance of winning. We were taken aboard and placed in chains, and then our uniforms were cut away and discarded. The make up of my crew was three male and two female, including myself.

The men were secured to the bulkhead and Electronics Technician Keller and I were forced to perform sexual acts on each of them.
(Come on Rhabbi, these are fuckin nasty pirates. Give us a reason to hate and fear them. No way would they let the navy men get their jollies unless it served some sadistic purpose,
The women were forced to perform oral sex on the poor swabbies while the men were being slowly strangled. (then if you’re really pushing it you could mention that two of them climaxed before their execution was complete.)
*** the preceding depends on the audience you are targeting if other than adult kink you probably went in the right direction but I’d still want some nasty details just to give the pirates their bona fides as really bad dudes***

We were then raped by the (entire)crew of the cruiser.(but of course my dear, the price of surrender)

The interviews with other prisoners indicate similar stories. The interviews clearly indicate that the pirates are much worse than intelligence reports suggested.

Prisoners also indicate that SOG-4 were not responsible for their rescue. Testimony indicated a group of naval personnel had entered the base just before our entry. Descriptions of gear and uniforms indicate that the personnel equipped with obsolete equipment. Previous encounters with enemy casualties indicate that we do not currently know weaponry that they used.

MIA FN Goode located in the dispensary. Serious wound had been dressed and treated. We were unable to determine the persons responsible for treating FN Goode’s injuries. Only clue was a log chip that was forwarded because local decryption unable to open it.
EOAAR 1315 Operation Recover SOG-4 Cdr. Fraks.

“Interesting. Was the log mentioned decrypted?”

“Yes. That is why I am here. I am not sure what to believe.”

“Why not?”

“It is a complete log of CSE Phoenix.”
(an earlier chapter/prequel?)

Admiral Harrison just looked back at her friend.

“”Before you ask, we are sure. A ghost ship and crew pulled off a rescue that was beyond that of our best Special Operations Group. They also saved the bacon of our newest cruiser. Even though Lexington will be in the yards for a year, if the Phoenix had not shown up she would have been lost.”

Adm. Harrison slowly settled back in her chair.

A nice tease Rhabbi, you did well with the economy of words part,
you've got your damsel, ( a couple that could be developed actually )
You've got your pirates, though they could be nastier, it's a matter of taste I suppose .
You've got your heroic ghosts but you definitely stinted there, much more to say and the log of the ghost ship is a cheeky twist at best.
The only bloody arrogance I see is of the high command and it's reliance
on piss poor intel but even that is only hinted at. It is unclear how the pirates arrogance lead to their downfall.
Were you planning to use those last 500 words to cover those few minor glitches?

have your gurl call mine, lets talk.
Mad and Lews

[Rhabbi]

Good points on the precise use of time elements. The biggest frustration I have had with this story is that it wants to be longer. I had to trim it down and focus on basic elements. One thing I did discover, writing a AAR makes it very easy to write active voice. Instead of restructuring sentences I just delete passive verbs. That made things easier. Then the interview drifted into passive voice, but I though that was appropiate for it, and I guess you agreed. At least you did not comment about it.

As for the arrogance part, that is where I run into a problem. In oreder to develop the pirates arrogance I start to lose focus and drift into way to many words. Not saying it cannot be done, just that I am having difficulty with it.

The way this story is looking, I see this as a chapter of a longer story. I will need and introduction to establish the legend of the Phoenix, and then move into this.

[Mad Lews]

Good points on the precise use of time elements. The biggest frustration I have had with this story is that it wants to be longer. I had to trim it down and focus on basic elements. One thing I did discover, writing a AAR makes it very easy to write active voice. Instead of restructuring sentences I just delete passive verbs. That made things easier. Then the interview drifted into passive voice, but I though that was appropiate for it, and I guess you agreed. At least you did not comment about it.

As for the arrogance part, that is where I run into a problem. In oreder to develop the pirates arrogance I start to lose focus and drift into way to many words. Not saying it cannot be done, just that I am having difficulty with it.

The way this story is looking, I see this as a chapter of a longer story. I will need and introduction to establish the legend of the Phoenix, and then move into this.

If it were me, I'd look at this as a last chapter and work the story back from there. You need to establish the story of how the Phoenix was lost. A bit of background on the present pirate problem, the story of the Howler's lost launch and the poor female prisoners might do. This could be developed to emphasize the growing and more general pirate problem, you might find an arch villain useful as well. Do these slavers only let the female prisoners live? Then work in the arrogance from both sides the pirates becoming bolder as their power grows and the Military relying on poor intel and refusing to take the problem seriously; sending good ships out to be slaughtered piecemeal.

You also need to establish a fantasy rule/reason that requires/allows/causes the ghost ship to intervene and prevent disaster. This should be hinted at in the beginning chapter that establishes the myth of the Phoenix and then threaded in throughout the rest of the story.

It would be a project... three chapters minimum maybe as much as five.
Your choice Rhabbi

[Rhabbi]

Sounds good. I will do it., but I think I will frame it a bit different.

You are right about the fantasy rule, but I have that covered. Don't worry about it.

Also, I know who the villian is.

I want to see what Dean has to say before i revise this though, hope he will be by soon.

[Mad Lews]

Sounds good. I will do it., but I think I will frame it a bit different.

You are right about the fantasy rule, but I have that covered. Don't worry about it.

Also, I know who the villian is.

I want to see what Dean has to say before i revise this though, hope he will be by soon.

Takes very long ten foot pole (which somehow seems inadequate in these circumstances) and pokes loudly in the direction of Mr Deans tree house.

"Oh Mr. Dean, t's a beautiful day in the neighborhood."
Lews

[H Dean]

Ignore this post - it didn't do what it was supposed to do. Stupid html coding!

[H Dean]

Okay - this is annoying. I just posted my response and it is entirely fucked up and now it is gone. Crap fire! I'm gonna try again.

[H Dean]

After Action Report

“I have the AAR on the rescue operation sir.”

“Bring it in then, anything interesting?”

“You could say that sir.”

Looking up at Captain Mikhael James, Admiral Harrison realized that the Captain had never before personally delivered an After Action Report before. She set the intelligence briefing aside and looked at him.

“Something I should know?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Want to tell me?”

“No Sir.”

This was definitely unusual. Mikhael had never been this formal with her, and had never refused to tell her what was on his mind before.

“Let’s see it then.”

Good start and set up.

After Action Report 1315 Operation Recover SOG-4, Cdr. Fraks.

Arrival at the suspected base was according to plan and apparently undetected. Infiltration went according to pre op plans. Approach to primary entry point was underway when contact made with pirate who was in an unseen cave. First contact resulted in minor causality and fatality of pirate. Enemy base also alerted.

Get rid of "the" and replace "who was" with "located". This needs conservancy of words. Reports of this nature eliminate words superfluous to the report.

Immediately implemented fallback plan and attempted secondary entry point. This entry was rigged and SOG-4 took two casualties, both fatal.

SOG-4 then retreated and suffered heavy weapons fire from unanticipated emplacements. CES Lexington reported contact with 3 enemy cruisers and was unable to supply cover fire. Lexington then reported heavy damage and casualties. Contact with Lexington was lost.

Conservancy of words is common in reports.

SOG-4 Bravo team disengaged to circle the emplacements. At that point sensors detected the presence of heavy equipment closing on our location. Initial reports indicated multiple tanks and large concentrations of infantry. SOG-4 Alpha ordered an immediate disengagement from enemy forces and rendezvous at point Omega.

SOG-4 went to max stealth mode and broke into individual fists. Disengagement was successful for three of ten fists. The rest fought a retrograde action. At that point enemy air support arrived and detected the three fists that were disengaged, directing enemy ground forces to their locations.

Some of the red stuff is words to eliminate. "Went to" is a bad term. Find another..."reverted", maybe. What is a "fist"? I don't necessarily need to know but it sounds like the initials for something. If it is, spell it out in words first and then abbreviate it.

At this point communication broke down and sensors went offline. For a period of approximately 15 minutes, all electronics went down. Multiple explosions throughout area of engagement indicated battle was ongoing.

Aproximately? Nuh uh. They always know how many minutes and seconds. You need to provide the times of things, as well, on a 24 hour clock.

When com links and sensor network reset indications were that a massive strike against all enemy positions and forces had eliminated them. Survey indicated one hundred percent casualty rate among enemy forces, but no fatalities.

Try a semi-colon and "no fatalities". Word economy.

SOG-4 casualties amounted to an additional seven personnel, one fatality, and one MIA. Two fists were detached from group. Fist SOG-4 A five was assigned to find the MIA. Fist SOG-4 B five was assigned to care for all the casualties.

Primary objective of entry into enemy facility and was now possible through main entrance. Initial entry made by sensor drone indicated more enemy casualties. Casualty rate appeared to be consistent with previous recorded rates outside the facility.

Get rid of it.

No apparent collateral damage to facility indicated. No indication as to the method of incapacitating such large numbers of personnel indicated. Highly recommend research into method used. (See appendix for attached 3V.)
All remaining Fists of SOG-4 entered facility and search instituted for prisoners believed to be here. All enemy casualties placed under guard by available personnel.

Installation approximately four times the size indicated by intelligence briefings. Recommend that vetting of current intelligence sources increase in frequency and that accuracy be primary goal thereof. SOG-4 S4 indicates that data recovered from facility should make it possible to develop additional sources.

Isn't accuracyy a prime objective in any sort of intelligence? I actually said "duh" out loud when I read that part.

Prisoners located on the lowest level. Indications are that pirate group did not favor advanced interrogation techniques. All prisoners held in a common area where they could watch as interrogation and torture - WHAT? Finish this sentence. Initial intelligence reports about Pirates being in league with slavers are probably accurate although further analysis of new data indicated.

Get rid of "group". Pirates are a group or they are a pirate. Get rid of "are probably" and replace it with "appear" or "apparently". Also, the last section in red should be a new sentence that is appended somewhat: "Recommend further analysis of data."

Report of typical treatment of prisoner included to facilitate understanding of seriousness of situation. Following is an excerpt of the initial interview of Lt
Jana Hunter of CSE Howler: Formal report in appendix.

So far, so good. Despite my complaints, this piece is working rather well. In fact, had you not made the faux pas of offering that "approximately 15 minutes" passage I would not have noticed the complete lack of time inclusion.

I was captured while on special assignment to survey a suspected pirate route. We were to simply attempt to locate any beacons and were in one of the combat shuttles. No problems were anticipated.

The pirate cruiser surprised us and I made the decision to surrender rather than fight a battle I had no chance of winning. We were taken aboard and placed in chains, and then our uniforms were cut away and discarded. The make up of my crew was three male and two female, including myself.

The men were secured to the bulkhead and Electronics Technician Keller and I were forced to perform sexual acts on each of them. We were then raped by the crew of the cruiser.

I would tend to think that an interview would offer more choppy testimony. Something that might indicate the trauma the soldier had suffered. This passage is a bit too clinical for such a thing in my estimation.


The interviews with other prisoners indicate similar stories. The interviews clearly indicate that the pirates are much worse than intelligence reports suggested.

This could be one sentence that was more word economical.

"Interviews with other prisoners report similar stories, clearly indicating the pirates are far worse than intelligence suggested."

Prisoners also indicate that SOG-4 were not responsible for their rescue. Testimony indicated a group of naval personnel had entered the base just before our entry. Descriptions of gear and uniforms indicate that the personnel WERE equipped with obsolete equipment. Previous encounters with enemy casualties indicate that we do not currently know weaponry that they used.

Just before our" could be better served with "immediately prior to our". The lst bit in red was bulky. I think it could have been said better, though I am not currently in hand of a suggestion. So, I may be dreaming.

MIA FN Goode located in the dispensary. Serious wound had been dressed and treated. We were unable to determine the persons responsible for treating FN Goode’s injuries. Only clue was a log chip that was forwarded because local decryption unable to open it.

Get rid of "because" and start a new sentence.

EOAAR 1315 Operation Recover SOG-4 Cdr. Fraks.

“Interesting. Was the log mentioned decrypted?”

“Yes. That is why I am here. I am not sure what to believe.”

“Why not?”

“It is a complete log of CSE Phoenix.”

Admiral Harrison just looked back at her friend.

“”Before you ask, we are sure. A ghost ship and crew pulled off a rescue that was beyond that of our best Special Operations Group. They also saved the bacon of our newest cruiser. Even though Lexington will be in the yards for a year, if the Phoenix had not shown up she would have been lost.”

Adm. Harrison slowly settled back in her chair.

Okay, that was pretty damned good. I realize that you were under a word limit. That can make it pretty difficult, especially with two assholes bickering and sniping at each other. Of course, I mean Mad and Lews. I am a bastard, not an asshole.

Most of what I offered to you was for economy of words; things I thought might be more apt for such a report. Eliminating some of these words might have aided in some of your passages that were requiring of more words. I think you could have been more economical than I suggested, too. As I mentioned, I did think that the testimony of the female soldier should have been more choppy.

All in all, this was a very good piece of work. It read cold and straight forward, just as it should have. Well done, oh Rhabbinical one.

[Mad Lews]

Hi Rhabbi,
Just a little nit pickin coming from my SIGOT(significant other)
while AAR is easy she missed it
SOG isn't too hard but maybe say it somewhere near its first use or better yet in the title of the report something like 'Special Operations Group 4 (SOG-4)'
explaining fists we went into.
The other one is the ships
CES Lexington
CSE Howler
CSE Phoenix
OK this ain't crucial to the story but which is it CES or CSE ? and what does it stand for?
like I said not crucial and causes hardly a pause in the reading but may leave a nasty itch on some readers minds.
Maybe at the end when the shocked Admiral exclaims "are you telling me a (whatever CSE is) that we lost (40?) years ago saved the bacon of .....
however you want to do it I'd just be happy to see you work it in somehow and Sally would like it too.
and keeping Sally happy is important to Mad
so now it's important to you.
take care and when can we expect the rewrite?
anytime after 12:00 is good for me.
Mad Lews

[Mad Lews]

BTW
Did I not warn you Mr Dean about false drugs?
You should not be trying to post while recreating with pharmaceuticals.
That's how innocent young posts get lost in the ozone.
Shame sir Shame!
Respectfully yours
Lews

[H Dean]

The drugs are a prescription and so are the margaritas and peyote!

[Mad Lews]

Greetings and Salutations Rhabbi,
Just wondering about the rewrite; how is it coming along? I'm not applying any pressure mind you but I do have a bit of vacation coming up and would like to move you along to your future assignments. So don't rush it, whenever you can, or sometime later this week. OK?
yours
Mad & Lews

[Mad Lews]

I do hate to put pressure on but it has been three weeks since your last visit.
I mean how long can it take to write a five chapter novelette?
We'd be willing to nit and pick at whatever you've accomplished in the meantime.
the epitome of patient patience awaits your words.
Mad Lews

[H Dean]

Blood!

[Rhabbi]

OK

I know you both, along with the spectators, have been waiting a long time for this. Every time I sit down to write this I end up working on other chapters, which will not be posted here. This section is not quite working for me, but this is what I have. I have rewritten it a few times, and do not like the feel even now. It may just be that I am being to picky though, after all, everyone really liked that one story that I never liked the feel of, and I never think any of them are quite right.

[Rhabbi]

After Action Report

“I have the AAR on the rescue operation sir.”

“Bring it in then, anything interesting?”

“You could say that sir.”

Looking up at Captain Mikhael James, Admiral Johanna Harrison realized that the Captain had never before personally delivered an After Action Report before. She set the intelligence briefing aside and looked at him.

“Something I should know?”


“Yes Sir.”

“Want to tell me?”

“No Sir.”

This was definitely unusual. Mikhael had never been this formal with her, and had never refused to tell her what was on his mind before.

“Let’s see it then.”

After Action Report 1315 Operation Recover Special Operations Group-4,
Cdr. Fraks.
21-8-873 Correllian

Departure from CES Lexington and drop on planet initiated at 1300 EST (0342 local) Drop successful, no casualties or loss of equipment. Drop point 250 clicks from pirate base designated point Alpha.

SOG-4 proceeded to primary objective using Combat Armor only to maximize stealth capabilities. Objective reached at 1521 EST.

Initial scouting of entry point discovered hidden guard point. Initial contact resulted in minor casualty to Sgt Harrup and fatality of pirate. Pirate base also alerted.

At 1523 implemented fallback plan and attempted secondary entry point. Entry point was rigged; SOG-4 took two casualties, both severe, no fatalities.

Heavy weapons then directed at SOG-4. Redeployed forces and initiated attack against weapons emplacements. SOG-4 Bravo team disengaged to circle the emplacements. Alpha and Delta teams initiated cover fire. Charlie team detached to deal with casualties.

Contact initiated with CES Lexington at 1527 requesting combat support from drop shuttles. CES Lexington reported contact with three enemy cruisers and was unable to supply requested support. Lexington reported intent to pull the cruisers away from base. Intermittent contact with CES Lexington continued during engagement with Lexington reporting heavy damage and casualties.
At 1537, sensors detected the presence of heavy equipment closing on our location. Initial reports indicated two tanks and infantry support. SOG-4 ordered an immediate disengagement from enemy forces and rendezvous at point Omega.

SOG-4 broke into individual fists. Disengagement was successful for eight of ten fists. Bravo team redeployed to assist disengagement of final two fists. At 1621, full redeployment accomplished and SOG-4 had no direct contact with enemy forces. Contact lost with Fist B1.

At 1628, enemy support arrived. Stealth capabilities of CA proved sufficient to prevent detection. Recommend immediate dispersal of new stealth protocol to front line units.

At 1635, communications broke down and sensors went offline. For a period of 18 minutes 24 seconds, all electronics not directly related to life support went off line. No indications of cause at the time and subsequent investigations by depot personnel have found no faults.

After com links and sensor network reset initial indications were that enemy forces were off the field. Subsequent survey indicated enemy suffered same electronics breakdown as SOG-4; enemy forces suffered one hundred percent casualty rate. All enemy forces rendered unconscious.

SOG-4 casualties amounted to an additional seven personnel, one fatality, and one MIA. Fist A1 suffered massive casualties. Triad 1 had the fatality, Sgt Hart, and MIA also from triad 1, FN Kevor. All additional casualties were minor.
Two fists were detached from group. Fist A3 assigned to find the MIA. Fist B4 assigned to care for all the casualties.

Alpha team assigned to provide security of enemy casualties and Bravo assigned to perimeter security.

Primary objective of entry into pirate facility obtained through main entrance. Initial recon by sensor drone indicated more enemy casualties. Casualty rate appeared to be consistent with previous recorded rates outside the facility.
No apparent collateral damage to facility indicated. No residual NBC agents or known electromagnetic residual effects found. No indication as to the method of incapacitating such large numbers of personnel indicated. Highly recommend research into method used. (See appendix for attached 3V and assessment of SOG-4 intelligence estimates.)

Contact reestablished with CES Lexington at 1715. Lexington indicated similar problems with com and sensor platforms. Support shuttles dropped to our location, ETA 1747.

At 1720, Gamma and Delta teams entered and search instituted for prisoners believed to be here.

Installation approximately four times the size indicated by intelligence briefings. Recommend that vetting of current intelligence sources increase in frequency. SOG-4 intelligence officer indicates that data recovered from facility should make it possible to develop additional sources.

Prisoners located on the lowest level. Indications are that pirate group did not favor advanced interrogation techniques. Prisoners held in a common area where they could watch interrogation and torture of fellow prisoners. Initial intelligence reports about Pirates being in league with slavers are probably accurate although further analysis of new data indicated.

Report of typical treatment of prisoner included to facilitate understanding of seriousness of situation. Following is an excerpt of the initial interview of Lt Jana Hunter of CES Howler: Formal report in appendix.

We were in a combat shuttle. We were not supposed to encounter a cruiser. Why would we expect that? We were assigned to survey a suspected pirate route. My orders were to do a passive search for beacons.
When the cruiser appeared I was not worried. The IFF indicated it was one of ours. The name was unfamiliar, and did not show u on our computer, but they had our IFF. When we found out it was a pirate, it was to late to run. We would have been killed outright if I had fought them. I made the decision to surrender rather than fight a battle I had no chance of winning.
We were taken aboard and placed in chains, and then our uniforms were cut away and discarded. The make up of my crew was three male and two female, including myself.
The men were secured to the bulkhead. Electronics Technician Keller and I were forced to perform sexual acts on each of them. Then the pirates forces the men to ejaculate by inserting a probe into their anuses.
All of us were raped after that, even the men. The entire crew must have been through that room at least twice before we got here.
The same thing happened here. We were all just toys to them, not even worth knowing what we knew. They never even asked us about what ship we were from, and simply blew the shuttle up. Why would they do that? That was our newest Combat Shuttle, and they just blew it up.

The interviews with other prisoners indicate similar stories. The interviews clearly indicate that the pirates are much worse than intelligence reports suggested.

Prisoners also indicate that SOG-4 was not responsible for their rescue. Testimony indicated a group of naval personnel had entered the base just before our entry. Descriptions of gear and uniforms indicate that the personnel In Correllian Naval personal with elements of Empire’s Own, descriptions of armament and equipped match nothing currently known.
No indication of classified objective of operation, unknown persons apparently removed her before our arrival. Testimony indicated that Princess was on site until that time, though not part of the main group.

MIA FN Goode located in the dispensary. Serious wound had been dressed and treated. We were unable to determine the persons responsible for treating FN Goode’s injuries. Only clue was a log chip that was forwarded because local decryption unable to open it.

EOAAR 1315 Operation Recover SOG-4 Cdr. Fraks.

“Interesting. Was the log mentioned decrypted?”

“No sir, but it has been verified to be a standard Correllian Naval log chip. The ID of the log is decrypted. That is why I am here. I am not sure what to believe.”

“Why not?”

“It is apparently the log of CES Phoenix.”

Admiral Harrison just looked back at her friend.

“Before you ask, I am sure. A ghost ship and crew pulled off a rescue that was beyond that of our best Special Operations Group. They also saved the bacon of our newest cruiser. Even though Lexington will be in the yards for a year, if the Phoenix had not shown up she would have been lost.”

Adm. Harrison slowly settled back in her chair.

“I guess it is time to fill you in on some background Captain. Have you ever wondered why you were assigned to this office?”

“Sir?”

“Come on, one of our best line officers suddenly pulled from command track and assigned to a small office that neither you nor anyone you asked had heard of before. Under an Admiral that is not on the regular naval roster. Surely you have wondered?”

“Yes Sir, but the orders came from the Regent himself.”

“And why would he care about you? Or this office? An office devoted exclusively to the study of reports about the Phoenix. Or even why we were tasked with this particular rescue?”

“I do not know, Sir!”

“Tell me what you believe about the Phoenix.”

“Sir?”

“Come on, we have all heard the stories about the Phoenix Captain. Tell me about it.”

“Sir, the Phoenix is supposed to be the ship that protects the empire. It was the ship that the Emperor was on when he found the control room to the Gate System. It has been reported in different places at the same time, and has been around since the beginning of the Empire. Apparently, it can go toe to toe with a Draconian Battle Carrier. It is not real. It cannot be.”

“Yet you have a modern Correllian Navy log chip that indicates otherwise.”

“Yes sir.”

“Can you explain that?”

“No sir. You know I cannot. Sir.”

Johanna smiled at Mikhael. “No need for so much formality. I want your best guess on this, what is going on.”

“Honestly, sir, I think the pirates are still playing with us. This makes no sense at all to me.”

“Interesting theory. Have you ever wondered why this office even exists Captain?”

“Yes sir.”

"It exists because the CES Phoenix is a real ship. What you have in your hand is log of the discoveries that lead to the Phoenix, along with a copy of the commissioning orders.”
“Sir? How could you possibly know that? This chip only got here an hour ago.”

“Because one of the main abilities of the Phoenix is to travel in time, and I ordered you to leave that chip where it would be found. That is so that you will know that she can do what you are going to be told she can over the next few weeks. Congratulations captain, you are now in command of the Empire’s most powerful symbol, and the single most important ship in the fleet.”

Captain James just stared at his friend after that one. What he had just heard made no sense.

“I know what you are thinking Mikhael, but I assure you it is true. This office is the most secret one in the Empire. The budget comes directly from gate fees, before any of the accountants see it. We have been studying the science of the Gate-builders since the discovery of the first gate.

“The Phoenix is the culmination of that research. The drive uses quantum probability, and can actually travel in time. You have been chosen to command it, and no one will ever know.”

[H Dean]

OK

I know you both, along with the spectators, have been waiting a long time for this.

Sorry, I was busy going extinct.

Every time I sit down to write this I end up working on other chapters, which will not be posted here.

Stop sitting.

This section is not quite working for me, but this is what I have. I have rewritten it a few times, and do not like the feel even now.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

It may just be that I am being to picky though, after all, everyone really liked that one story that I never liked the feel of, and I never think any of them are quite right.

Good. That means you won't settle. It means you will get better. It means that critisism won't be wasted on you.

I will get to the reading as soon as time permits. I am sure you managed to improve upon it. Of course, I will rip the throat out of it if I can. Gently, though.

[Rhabbi]

Dean, I am sure I never told you what a pleasure it is to read your jibes and wit. If mine was half as sharp as yours I would be in Hollywood or New York.

[H Dean]

After Action Report

“I have the AAR on the rescue operation sir.”

“Bring it in then, anything interesting?”

“You could say that sir.”

Looking up at Captain Mikhael James, Admiral Johanna Harrison realized that the Captain had never before personally delivered an After Action Report before. She set the intelligence briefing aside and looked at him.

“Something I should know?”


“Yes Sir.”

“Want to tell me?”

“No Sir.”

This was definitely unusual. Mikhael had never been this formal with her, and had never refused to tell her what was on his mind before.

“Let’s see it then.”

After Action Report 1315 Operation Recover Special Operations Group-4,
Cdr. Fraks.
21-8-873 Correllian

Departure from CES Lexington and drop on planet initiated at 1300 EST (0342 local) Drop successful, no casualties or loss of equipment. Drop point 250 clicks from pirate base designated point Alpha.

SOG-4 proceeded to primary objective using Combat Armor only to maximize stealth capabilities. Objective reached at 1521 EST.

Initial scouting of entry point discovered hidden guard point. Initial contact resulted in minor casualty to Sgt Harrup and fatality of pirate. Pirate base also alerted.

At 1523 implemented fallback plan and attempted secondary entry point. Entry point was rigged; SOG-4 took two casualties, both severe, no fatalities.

Heavy weapons then directed at SOG-4. Redeployed forces and initiated attack against weapons emplacements. SOG-4 Bravo team disengaged to circle the emplacements. Alpha and Delta teams initiated cover fire. Charlie team detached to deal with casualties.

Contact initiated with CES Lexington at 1527 requesting combat support from drop shuttles. CES Lexington reported contact with three enemy cruisers and was unable to supply requested support. Lexington reported intent to pull the cruisers away from base. Intermittent contact with CES Lexington continued during engagement with Lexington reporting heavy damage and casualties.
At 1537, sensors detected the presence of heavy equipment closing on our location. Initial reports indicated two tanks and infantry support. SOG-4 ordered an immediate disengagement from enemy forces and rendezvous at point Omega.

SOG-4 broke into individual fists. Disengagement was successful for eight of ten fists. Bravo team redeployed to assist disengagement of final two fists. At 1621, full redeployment accomplished and SOG-4 had no direct contact with enemy forces. Contact lost with Fist B1.

At 1628, enemy support arrived. Stealth capabilities of CA proved sufficient to prevent detection. Recommend immediate dispersal of new stealth protocol to front line units.

At 1635, communications broke down and sensors went offline. For a period of 18 minutes 24 seconds, all electronics not directly related to life support went off line. No indications of cause at the time and subsequent investigations by depot personnel have found no faults.
After com links and sensor network reset initial indications were that enemy forces were off the field. Subsequent survey indicated enemy suffered same electronics breakdown as SOG-4; enemy forces suffered one hundred percent casualty rate. All enemy forces rendered unconscious.

SOG-4 casualties amounted to an additional seven personnel, one fatality, and one MIA. Fist A1 suffered massive casualties. Triad 1 had the fatality, Sgt Hart, and MIA also from triad 1, FN Kevor. All additional casualties were minor.
Two fists were detached from group. Fist A3 assigned to find the MIA. Fist B4 assigned to care for all the casualties.

Alpha team assigned to provide security of enemy casualties and Bravo assigned to perimeter security.

Primary objective of entry into pirate facility obtained through main entrance. Initial recon by sensor drone indicated more enemy casualties. Casualty rate appeared to be consistent with previous recorded rates outside the facility.
No apparent collateral damage to facility indicated. No residual NBC agents or known electromagnetic residual effects found. No indication as to the method of incapacitating such large numbers of personnel indicated. Highly recommend research into method used. (See appendix for attached 3V and assessment of SOG-4 intelligence estimates.)

Contact reestablished with CES Lexington at 1715. Lexington indicated similar problems with com and sensor platforms. Support shuttles dropped to our location, ETA 1747.

At 1720, Gamma and Delta teams entered and search instituted for prisoners believed to be here.

Installation approximately four times the size indicated by intelligence briefings. Recommend that vetting of current intelligence sources increase in frequency. SOG-4 intelligence officer indicates that data recovered from facility should make it possible to develop additional sources.

Prisoners located on the lowest level. Indications are that pirate group did not favor advanced interrogation techniques. Prisoners held in a common area where they could watch interrogation and torture of fellow prisoners. Initial intelligence reports about Pirates being in league with slavers are probably accurate although further analysis of new data indicated.

Report of typical treatment of prisoner included to facilitate understanding of seriousness of situation. Following is an excerpt of the initial interview of Lt Jana Hunter of CES Howler: Formal report in appendix.

We were in a combat shuttle. We were not supposed to encounter a cruiser. Why would we expect that? We were assigned to survey a suspected pirate route. My orders were to do a passive search for beacons.
When the cruiser appeared I was not worried. The IFF indicated it was one of ours. The name was unfamiliar, and did not show u on our computer, but they had our IFF. When we found out it was a pirate, it was to late to run. We would have been killed outright if I had fought them. I made the decision to surrender rather than fight a battle I had no chance of winning.
We were taken aboard and placed in chains, and then our uniforms were cut away and discarded. The make up of my crew was three male and two female, including myself.
The men were secured to the bulkhead. Electronics Technician Keller and I were forced to perform sexual acts on each of them. Then the pirates forces the men to ejaculate by inserting a probe into their anuses.
All of us were raped after that, even the men. The entire crew must have been through that room at least twice before we got here.
The same thing happened here. We were all just toys to them, not even worth knowing what we knew. They never even asked us about what ship we were from, and simply blew the shuttle up. Why would they do that? That was our newest Combat Shuttle, and they just blew it up.

The interviews with other prisoners indicate similar stories. The interviews clearly indicate that the pirates are much worse than intelligence reports suggested.

Prisoners also indicate that SOG-4 was not responsible for their rescue. Testimony indicated a group of naval personnel had entered the base just before our entry. Descriptions of gear and uniforms indicate that the personnel In Correllian Naval personal with elements of Empire’s Own, descriptions of armament and equipped match nothing currently known.
No indication of classified objective of operation, unknown persons apparently removed her before our arrival. Testimony indicated that Princess was on site until that time, though not part of the main group.

MIA FN Goode located in the dispensary. Serious wound had been dressed and treated. We were unable to determine the persons responsible for treating FN Goode’s injuries. Only clue was a log chip that was forwarded because local decryption unable to open it.

EOAAR 1315 Operation Recover SOG-4 Cdr. Fraks.

“Interesting. Was the log mentioned decrypted?”

“No sir, but it has been verified to be a standard Correllian Naval log chip. The ID of the log is decrypted. That is why I am here. I am not sure what to believe.”

“Why not?”

“It is apparently the log of CES Phoenix.”

Admiral Harrison just looked back at her friend.

“Before you ask, I am sure. A ghost ship and crew pulled off a rescue that was beyond that of our best Special Operations Group. They also saved the bacon of our newest cruiser. Even though Lexington will be in the yards for a year, if the Phoenix had not shown up she would have been lost.”

Adm. Harrison slowly settled back in her chair.

“I guess it is time to fill you in on some background Captain. Have you ever wondered why you were assigned to this office?”

“Sir?”

“Come on, one of our best line officers suddenly pulled from command track and assigned to a small office that neither you nor anyone you asked had heard of before. Under an Admiral that is not on the regular naval roster. Surely you have wondered?”

“Yes Sir, but the orders came from the Regent himself.”

“And why would he care about you? Or this office? An office devoted exclusively to the study of reports about the Phoenix. Or even why we were tasked with this particular rescue?”

“I do not know, Sir!”

“Tell me what you believe about the Phoenix.”

“Sir?”

“Come on, we have all heard the stories about the Phoenix Captain. Tell me about it.”

“Sir, the Phoenix is supposed to be the ship that protects the empire. It was the ship that the Emperor was on when he found the control room to the Gate System. It has been reported in different places at the same time, and has been around since the beginning of the Empire. Apparently, it can go toe to toe with a Draconian Battle Carrier. It is not real. It cannot be.”

“Yet you have a modern Correllian Navy log chip that indicates otherwise.”

“Yes sir.”

“Can you explain that?”

“No sir. You know I cannot. Sir.”

Johanna smiled at Mikhael. “No need for so much formality. I want your best guess on this, what is going on.”

“Honestly, sir, I think the pirates are still playing with us. This makes no sense at all to me.”

“Interesting theory. Have you ever wondered why this office even exists Captain?”

“Yes sir.”

"It exists because the CES Phoenix is a real ship. What you have in your hand is log of the discoveries that lead to the Phoenix, along with a copy of the commissioning orders.”
“Sir? How could you possibly know that? This chip only got here an hour ago.”

“Because one of the main abilities of the Phoenix is to travel in time, and I ordered you to leave that chip where it would be found. That is so that you will know that she can do what you are going to be told she can over the next few weeks. Congratulations captain, you are now in command of the Empire’s most powerful symbol, and the single most important ship in the fleet.”

Captain James just stared at his friend after that one. What he had just heard made no sense.

“I know what you are thinking Mikhael, but I assure you it is true. This office is the most secret one in the Empire. The budget comes directly from gate fees, before any of the accountants see it. We have been studying the science of the Gate-builders since the discovery of the first gate.

“The Phoenix is the culmination of that research. The drive uses quantum probability, and can actually travel in time. You have been chosen to command it, and no one will ever know.”

The part in red was a bit akward to read and I didn't like it much. Somewhere in the story is a "u" that got loose and is running around unchecked. I liked how you tightened it up and, to me, it reads like it should. Granted, I have not been in the military, but it definately works. Also, I rather like how this chapter ends - as I recall it is a little further than it was before.

Oh, there were one or two places where commas could have been used. To be frank, they were barely noticable and I couldn't find them when I looked for them after I had read this. Maybe Mad can find them.

Mad, get your ass in here and kick Rhabbi's ass, will ya?

[H Dean]

Dean, I am sure I never told you what a pleasure it is to read your jibes and wit. If mine was half as sharp as yours I would be in Hollywood or New York.

Thanks. It's nice to know that my humor is appreciated. I keep telling Mad that I am the funny one, but he insists it's him that's funniest. He just doesn't understand the difference between being laughed with and laughed at.

[Mad Lews]

All right ya swabby! I have been in the effin military.
So suck in that gut, shoulders back, chest out, chin high and listen up!!

Your right!

OK I said it! only gonna say it once so hang on to that one.
Some thing has changed and not in the good way. Yes you listened to our nits and pickin' and did a little tightening up but something got lost. From the title to the Admiral sitting back in her chair you've added 400 words and removed some of the original crispness and suspense from the intro.

It almost seems like you've tweaked it too much. Sorry I'm not able to pin it down better than that, but you've got good instincts you'll figure it out. Set it aside for now.

Little gripes,
stop using 'at' before each time; it will help. (instead of "drop on planet initiated at 1300 EST (0342 local) " go to "drop on planet initiated 1300 EST (0342 local)") it adds to the data spitting rhythm of a military report.

Lt Jana Hunter of the combat shuttle would never say "The makeup of my crew was three male and two female, including myself." an officer, especially a female commanding any size contingent would know better than to think that way. She might refer to herself and Electronics Technician Keller as the two female crew members as she does in the next sentence thus eliminating the redundancy.

Yup you made the pirates nastier.

Now part of the problem might be you've started trying to explain things in the intro or just started adding wiggle room for where the story might be headed. I do like what you've added to the story. Maybe you should be plowing ahead with it and coming back to the tweaking part only when you get stuck or after you're nearly done.

In any event you should be putting some regular set aside time into this effort as the weeks roll by. I like to think this level is more about honing the creative process than working on technical skills. (just don't tell the Dragon's muse) The creative process is a lonely endeavor so be leery of strange advice from strangers. Trust thyself, but know how to ask for help.

Take care and keep us posted,

Mad Lews

[H Dean]

I picked up what you are talking about, Mad. Now that I think about it, this seems more like a prologue to a story than a chapter.

Course, I could be talking out of my ass. No, that would sound different.

[Rhabbi]

Yes, this is definitely turning out to be a prologue rather than a first chapter. In rewriting this I wanted to address a couple of the issues that Mad had raised about the reason a ghost ship could do the Phoenix did, and also introduce Captain James to his new command. I think I forced it a bit.

The actual story starts much earlier, and is getting quite interesting. This actually makes two novels I am working on at the same time, and somehow that should confuse me, but does not. Really do not think it is a good writing habit though. I need to develop some type of discipline there.

Does this mean I am ready to move on to my next assignment for here? there is a short story that I have been poking occasionally that I was thinking about letting you all go at. After the bloody shreds are picked over by you I know it will be worth giving to my friend.

[H Dean]

Rhabbi, Mad is the big wig here on level four. I am just a lowly peaon. The no good bastich doesn't even talk to me anymore. Man, I don't like that guy.

[Mad Lews]

Yes, this is definitely turning out to be a prologue rather than a first chapter. In rewriting this I wanted to address a couple of the issues that Mad had raised about the reason a ghost ship could do the Phoenix did, and also introduce Captain James to his new command. I think I forced it a bit.

The actual story starts much earlier, and is getting quite interesting. This actually makes two novels I am working on at the same time, and somehow that should confuse me, but does not. Really do not think it is a good writing habit though. I need to develop some type of discipline there.

Does this mean I am ready to move on to my next assignment for here? there is a short story that I have been poking occasionally that I was thinking about letting you all go at. After the bloody shreds are picked over by you I know it will be worth giving to my friend.

I actually didn't mean to dump a brand new novel on you.... Yeah I guess I did.
The funny thing about the creative process is the synergy that can develop. It really can help to have two or three stories up in the air. I confess I'm curious about this one (the pirates and the ghost ship) and will eagerly read what you want to share. As for the short story in need of a stiff poking well that's more along Mr Deans expertise but lets have at it.

A common technique for real writers (so I've been told) is to develop a network of two or three fellow writers to read and critique as you are developing a story. Some swear by a R/L face to face meeting on a regular (often weekly) basis. Others feel an internet exchange works just fine. This should be more than a technical picking of nits it should be a real exchange of ideas, Where's the story going? Why the hell did you do that to character X for? I liked her, besides now how are you gona fix Y's broken warp drive if X has gone off to.....
you get the idea, talk about the big picture of the story leave the niggling details for later.
If you want to post the short I'll talk to Dean, he's already sharpening his fork and club.
Mad

[Mad Lews]

Hi Dean!
You wanted to talk?
Have your gal call my gal, next Tuesday work for you?
Mad

[Rhabbi]

Be a couple of days before I post it, I want to knock off the rough edges before I let you guys at it. No sense you all hitting the stuff that I already know is there. Just a waste of both our times.

I actually have a network of people I can turn to, though one of them usually needs some prodding before she will turn loose on my stories. I find it helps for me to get her angry, which I have a talent for doing. Would love to add more people to it though.

[H Dean]

Hi Dean!
You wanted to talk?
Have your gal call my gal, next Tuesday work for you?
Mad

Sure, I have my girl call yours and then they do lunch. The next thing I know they wind up in a hotel room in Billings doing things that would make a sailor blush. A week goes by and neither of us has heard anything. After another week I get that note that tells me she can't work for me because I am misogynistic, sadistic and socially inept - the whole reason she started working for me. The next thing I know I have to get a new gal.

I know what you're doing, and you know what they say: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I don't know what they say for the twelvth time, but I ain't falling for it again.