Rhabbi's first tough assignment

[Mad Lews]

Then it must have worked, because my sin is arrogance.

I hope this is waht you were asking for, and that I covered all the bases. This was actually a lot of fun, and much easier to accomplish than I expected.

Rhabbi,

It was an interesting interpretations of what I assigned. Consider the ice sheet broken.

Now let's return to your interests, (put down that camera )
I believe I mentioned an admiration for SciFi but a tendency to cringe at the blurring of genres.

So here's something nice and simple. How would you like to write a short tale of a Scifi/pirate/ghost story. be sure to include;

1 damsel in distress,

1 heroic ghost,

a horde of truly nasty pirates.

Bondage and misery would be lovely additions as would ray-guns and space ships.

Just be sure to make the whole thing as believable as possible and let bloody arrogance lead to the downfall of the villain(s).

P.S. try and stay under 1500 words OK.

Mad Lews

[Rhabbi]

Rhabbi,

It was an interesting interpretations of what I assigned. Consider the ice sheet broken.

Now let's return to your interests, (put down that camera )
I believe I mentioned an admiration for SciFi but a tendency to cringe at the blurring of genres.

So here's something nice and simple. How would you like to write a short tale of a Scifi/pirate/ghost story. be sure to include;

1 damsel in distress,

1 heroic ghost,

a horde of truly nasty pirates.

Bondage and misery would be lovely additions as would ray-guns and space ships.

Just be sure to make the whole thing as believable as possible and let bloody arrogance lead to the downfall of the villain(s).

P.S. try and stay under 1500 words OK.

Mad Lews

Gee, sounds simple.

HAH

And I thought Ruby was a harsh taskmistress.

[Mad Lews]

Gee, sounds simple.

HAH

And I thought Ruby was a harsh taskmistress.

Rhabbi,

I have complete faith in you.
Mad

Yeah well I bet he can't pull it off
Lews

[Rhabbi]

Rhabbi,

I have complete faith in you.
Mad

Yeah well I bet he can't pull it off
Lews

Thank you Mad, and you can tell Lews that I love the Barsoom books as well as the Lensman series. My ghost is a real hero in the finest tradition of both. The damsel will is from Crimmeria, the pirates are from Silesian confederacy. Now I just have to get them all together and hope the good guys win. But I bet you are going to be rooting for my anti-hero.

[Mad Lews]

Rabbi,
I want to be sure you're feeling no pressure here but Mad was wondering how you were progressing. Lews is making catcalls in the background and Mr H Dean is pacing with a knife and fork in hand.
In short you have not been forgotten.
Yours
Mad & Lews

[Ruby]

P.S. try and stay under 1500 words OK.

Rooting for you, Rhabbi!

I enjoyed your "sin" assignment.

[H Dean]

Fortunately, I have a pocket for my hammer.

[Dragon's muse]

No pressure my great aunt fanny.

Mad anywhere in the vicinity of a sharp object is a recipe for enough pressure to turn a charcoal briquitte into the hope diamond before the chicken is done marinating.

Just an opinion, of course.

smooches you wonderful Men-folk
rose

[Rhabbi]

I ignore pressure, right now I am trying to cran a 4000 word story into 1500 words, for some reason it does not fit.

Maybe if I chop off this but here.

[Mad Lews]

I ignore pressure, right now I am trying to cran a 4000 word story into 1500 words, for some reason it does not fit.

Maybe if I chop off this but here.

Rhabbi
The most painful part of writing is taking some brilliant bit of allegory or worse yet cleaver dialog and slashing it away because it really is superfluous to the telling of the tale. I know we readers would marvel at your brilliance if you were to leave it in but does it really advance the story? Don't try to cram, figure out what the story needs to say then slice judiciously.
yours
Mad

Rhabbi
Let me know when you're down to 1900 words and I'll make you an offer. Free and clear title on your soul for an extra 200 words maybe?
Lews

[Dragon's muse]

Rhabbi
The most painful part of writing is taking some brilliant bit of allegory or worse yet cleaver dialog and slashing it away because it really is superfluous to the telling of the tale. I know we readers would marvel at your brilliance if you were to leave it in but does it really advance the story? Don't try to cram, figure out what the story needs to say then slice judiciously.
yours
Mad

Rhabbi
Let me know when you're down to 1900 words and I'll make you an offer. Free and clear title on your soul for an extra 200 words maybe?
Lews

It's not always just allegory or dialogue. Sometimes you have to cut entire scenes that just screw up the pacing or tone. i have had to cut some smoking sex scenes just to keep the pace or tone right.

[Mad Lews]

It's not always just allegory or dialogue. Sometimes you have to cut entire scenes that just screw up the pacing or tone. i have had to cut some smoking sex scenes just to keep the pace or tone right.

But you saved them didn't you DM? The sex scenes I mean, for use in later stories or to trade with friends. I can see it now a swap thread for slightly used (and barely abused) sex scenes, Did I ever tell you the one about the pirate and the parrot.....

Mad

[Dragon's muse]

But you saved them didn't you DM? The sex scenes I mean, for use in later stories or to trade with friends. I can see it now a swap thread for slightly used (and barely abused) sex scenes, Did I ever tell you the one about the pirate and the parrot.....

Mad

Of course i saved them. You don't just toss away perfectly good smut. And besides, maybe someday i will find another work i can fit them into.

[Dragon's muse]

Here's a way to make yourself feel better. Consider that with my 884 page fantasy novel, i had to make a THREE PAGE synopsis to send to publishers. Should make your job of condensing look a little easier.

rose

[Rhabbi]

ARRGH

I wonder if that would be possible.

[Dragon's muse]

Actualy, yes it is. It was a hair-tearing, gut wrenching process, but i finally did it. It was painful though; i felt like a new mother being told to cut her baby's legs off so he would fit in the crib.

[Rhabbi]

*Shudders*

I hope I never have to do that.

[Rhabbi]

Just a quick update. I saw a movie yesterday that totaly changed the premise of the story so I am rewriting it from scratch. I will be done by thursday though.

[Mad Lews]

Just a quick update. I saw a movie yesterday that totaly changed the premise of the story so I am rewriting it from scratch. I will be done by thursday though.

Yahr me matey! Ya be walkin the thin plank. Do be takin care whilst pillaging the lasses not ta be violatin' the first rule. First mate Dean be keepin a weather eye on ye.
Capn' Mad

[H Dean]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHR, there be timber in me shivers.

[Dragon's muse]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHR, there be timber in me shivers.

But is there a shiver in your timber??? Inquiring minds want to know.

[Mad Lews]

But is there a shiver in your timber??? Inquiring minds want to know.

Stroke that ones ego with care DM that's a sliver on his timber
Mad Lews

[H Dean]

Be careful, Lews, you don't want to get pricked by my timber.

Muse, there is lots of shiver in my timber. It's rythmic and deep and sings a song to those who care to listen. Care to dance?

[Dragon's muse]

Slipping into my frilly skirt and dancing shoes.

Bring it, Big Guy.

muse

[H Dean]

Okay now...follow the bouncing balls.

[Dragon's muse]

Ah, but i neglected to ask the most important question.

Can your timber make me shiver?

[H Dean]

Ah, but i neglected to ask the most important question.

Can your timber make me shiver?

Shiver, shake and shimmy.

[Rhabbi]

Alright, enough snipping at each other. Now you have a legitimate target to take out your gripes on, my story. this is not the story I wrote at first, or even the second one. Everytime I started to write before I got carried away and soon exceeded the word limit. Bioth those stories have potential, but I finally settled on this one.

This is conciose and as focused as I can make it. It contains all the elements, told in as dry a manner as I can make it. The implications are there for expanding the story, and that may even happen at some point, but for now, tear it up.

After Action Report

“I have the AAR on the rescue operation sir.”

“Bring it in then, anything interesting?”

“You could say that sir.”

Looking up at Captain Mikhael James, Admiral Harrison realized that the Captain had never before personally delivered an After Action Report before. She set the intelligence briefing aside and looked at him.

“Something I should know?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Want to tell me?”

“No Sir.”

This was definitely unusual. Mikhael had never been this formal with her, and had never refused to tell her what was on his mind before.

“Let’s see it then.”

After Action Report 1315 Operation Recover SOG-4, Cdr. Fraks.

Arrival at the suspected base was according to plan and apparently undetected. Infiltration went according to pre op plans. Approach to primary entry point was underway when contact made with pirate who was in an unseen cave. First contact resulted in minor causality and fatality of pirate. Enemy base also alerted.

Immediately implemented fallback plan and attempted secondary entry point. This entry was rigged and SOG-4 took two casualties, both fatal.

SOG-4 then retreated and suffered heavy weapons fire from unanticipated emplacements. CES Lexington reported contact with 3 enemy cruisers and was unable to supply cover fire. Lexington then reported heavy damage and casualties. Contact with Lexington was lost.

SOG-4 Bravo team disengaged to circle the emplacements. At that point sensors detected the presence of heavy equipment closing on our location. Initial reports indicated multiple tanks and large concentrations of infantry. SOG-4 Alpha ordered an immediate disengagement from enemy forces and rendezvous at point Omega.

SOG-4 went to max stealth mode and broke into individual fists. Disengagement was successful for three of ten fists. The rest fought a retrograde action. At that point enemy air support arrived and detected the three fists that were disengaged, directing enemy ground forces to their locations.

At this point communication broke down and sensors went offline. For a period of approximately 15 minutes, all electronics went down. Multiple explosions throughout area of engagement indicated battle was ongoing.
When com links and sensor network reset indications were that a massive strike against all enemy positions and forces had eliminated them. Survey indicated one hundred percent casualty rate among enemy forces, but no fatalities.

SOG-4 casualties amounted to an additional seven personnel, one fatality, and one MIA. Two fists were detached from group. Fist SOG-4 A five was assigned to find the MIA. Fist SOG-4 B five was assigned to care for all the casualties.

Primary objective of entry into enemy facility and was now possible through main entrance. Initial entry made by sensor drone indicated more enemy casualties. Casualty rate appeared to be consistent with previous recorded rates outside the facility.

No apparent collateral damage to facility indicated. No indication as to the method of incapacitating such large numbers of personnel indicated. Highly recommend research into method used. (See appendix for attached 3V.)
All remaining Fists of SOG-4 entered facility and search instituted for prisoners believed to be here. All enemy casualties placed under guard by available personnel.

Installation approximately four times the size indicated by intelligence briefings. Recommend that vetting of current intelligence sources increase in frequency and that accuracy be primary goal thereof. SOG-4 S4 indicates that data recovered from facility should make it possible to develop additional sources.

Prisoners located on the lowest level. Indications are that pirate group did not favor advanced interrogation techniques. All prisoners held in a common area where they could watch as interrogation and torture. Initial intelligence reports about Pirates being in league with slavers are probably accurate although further analysis of new data indicated.

Report of typical treatment of prisoner included to facilitate understanding of seriousness of situation. Following is an excerpt of the initial interview of Lt
Jana Hunter of CSE Howler: Formal report in appendix.

I was captured while on special assignment to survey a suspected pirate route. We were to simply attempt to locate any beacons and were in one of the combat shuttles. No problems were anticipated.

The pirate cruiser surprised us and I made the decision to surrender rather than fight a battle I had no chance of winning. We were taken aboard and placed in chains, and then our uniforms were cut away and discarded. The make up of my crew was three male and two female, including myself.

The men were secured to the bulkhead and Electronics Technician Keller and I were forced to perform sexual acts on each of them. We were then raped by the crew of the cruiser.

The interviews with other prisoners indicate similar stories. The interviews clearly indicate that the pirates are much worse than intelligence reports suggested.

Prisoners also indicate that SOG-4 were not responsible for their rescue. Testimony indicated a group of naval personnel had entered the base just before our entry. Descriptions of gear and uniforms indicate that the personnel equipped with obsolete equipment. Previous encounters with enemy casualties indicate that we do not currently know weaponry that they used.

MIA FN Goode located in the dispensary. Serious wound had been dressed and treated. We were unable to determine the persons responsible for treating FN Goode’s injuries. Only clue was a log chip that was forwarded because local decryption unable to open it.

EOAAR 1315 Operation Recover SOG-4 Cdr. Fraks.

“Interesting. Was the log mentioned decrypted?”

“Yes. That is why I am here. I am not sure what to believe.”

“Why not?”

“It is a complete log of CSE Phoenix.”

Admiral Harrison just looked back at her friend.

“”Before you ask, we are sure. A ghost ship and crew pulled off a rescue that was beyond that of our best Special Operations Group. They also saved the bacon of our newest cruiser. Even though Lexington will be in the yards for a year, if the Phoenix had not shown up she would have been lost.”

Adm. Harrison slowly settled back in her chair.

[Mad Lews]

Rhabbi,
Well you didn't disappoint me so you don't have to go back to Ruby.
I like the precise clipped military style. You expect your readers to be involved enough to draw some important implications based on a scarcity of facts. You do it well enough (IMHO) for that to work. The demand for the readers engagement helps drag them in and make them care about the story. As story telling goes it's pretty darn good. I know I have a dozen questions I want the writer to answer. I'll take a little time to go over this piece and then get back with a few suggestions. Meanwhile do you want to continue with this story or do you want to work on a different project?
You can PM me either way.
Mad

[Mad Lews]

After Action Report


“I have the AAR on the rescue operation sir.”

“Bring it in then, anything interesting?”

“You could say that sir.”

Looking up at Captain Mikhael James, Admiral Harrison realized that the
Captain had never before personally delivered an After Action Report before. (Dean will want a rewrite 2 many before s).
She set the intelligence briefing aside and looked at him.

“Something I should know?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Want to tell me?”

“No Sir.”

This was definitely unusual. Mikhael had never been this formal with her, and had never refused to tell her what was on his mind before.

“Let’s see it then.”
(Very nice set up)

After Action Report 1315 Operation Recover SOG-4, Cdr. Fraks.


Arrival at the suspected base was according to plan and apparently undetected. Infiltration went according to pre op plans. Approach to primary entry point was underway when contact made with pirate who was in an unseen cave. First contact resulted in minor causality and fatality of pirate. Enemy base also alerted.
(this type report would include precise times and locations/ enemy contact 1.7 clicks NNW of objective at 13:42 hrs resulted in…)

Immediately (give an actual time instead of ‘immediately’) implemented fallback plan and attempted secondary entry point. This entry was rigged and SOG-4 took two casualties, both fatal.

SOG-4 then retreated
(how about 'At (time) SOG-4 initiated tactical redeployment under heavy weapons fire' )
and suffered heavy weapons fire
(Grunts don’t suffer fire, they are to paid endure it and will rise to the challenge with a certain sullen pride)
from unanticipated emplacements. CES Lexington reported contact with 3 enemy cruisers and was unable to supply cover fire. Lexington then reported heavy damage and casualties. Contact with Lexington was lost.
( ...was lost at (time), I Would love to read that AAR)

SOG-4 Bravo team disengaged to circle the emplacements. At that point (again a precise time lends an authentic feel and catches the reader up in the pace of the battle) sensors detected the presence of heavy equipment closing on our location. Initial reports indicated multiple tanks and large concentrations of infantry. SOG-4 Alpha ordered an immediate disengagement from enemy forces and rendezvous at point Omega.

SOG-4 went to max stealth mode and broke into individual fists. Disengagement was successful for three of ten fists. The rest fought a retrograde action. At that point enemy air support arrived and detected the three fists that were disengaged, directing enemy ground forces to their locations.

(OK this brings about an opportunity to put some numbers on the board. How big is a fist?(5?) making the rescue team 50. It’s a fair guess and a reader might make it but you could make that a little easier, since the report is to a military commander and such info would be a given you have to be clever as to how you tell the reader, maybe by breaking down the casualties of an individual fist, foxtrot fist surprised and eliminated suffering 4 confirmed deaths, FN Goode missing and presumed captured. That sentence would serve two purposes both giving a number to the size of a fist and creating the MIA you use later.)

At this point communication broke down and sensors went offline. For a period of approximately
(Nope it would be precise( At (time ) comms and sensors went down for 16 minutes 23 seconds))
15 minutes, all electronics went down. Multiple explosions throughout area of engagement indicated battle was ongoing.
When com links and sensor network reset indications were that a massive strike against all enemy positions and forces had eliminated them.
(Maybe something like ‘had suppressed all resistance)
Survey( maybe initial recon) indicated one hundred percent casualty rate among enemy forces, but no fatalities.

SOG-4 casualties amounted to an additional seven personnel, one fatality, and one MIA. Two fists were detached from group. Fist SOG-4 A five was assigned to find the MIA. Fist SOG-4 B five was assigned to care for all the casualties.

Primary objective of entry into enemy facility and was now possible through main entrance. Initial entry made by sensor drone indicated more enemy casualties. Casualty rate appeared to be consistent with previous recorded rates outside the facility.

No apparent collateral damage to facility indicated. No indication as to the method of incapacitating such large numbers of personnel indicated.
(No residual chemical, electromagnetic, or biological agents detectable(first thing a good officer would suspect and check for))
Highly recommend research into method used. (See appendix for attached 3V.)

(Perimeter was secured and) All remaining Fists of SOG-4 entered facility and search instituted
( at (time) search initiated for...)
for prisoners believed to be here. All enemy casualties placed under guard by available personnel.

Installation approximately four times the size indicated by intelligence briefings. Recommend that vetting of current intelligence sources increase in frequency and that accuracy be primary goal thereof. SOG-4 S4 indicates that data recovered from facility should make it possible to develop additional sources.

Prisoners located on the lowest level. Indications are that pirate group did not favor advanced interrogation techniques. All prisoners held in a common area where they could watch as
( This is more Deans area but maybe ...could watch while fellow prisoners were interrogated and tortured)
interrogation and torture. Initial intelligence reports about Pirates being in league with slavers are probably accurate although further analysis of new data indicated.

Report of typical treatment of prisoner included to facilitate understanding of seriousness of situation. Following is an excerpt of the initial interview of Lt Jana Hunter of CSE Howler: Formal report in appendix.
(Oh Boy sex and violence!!)

I was captured while on special assignment to survey a suspected pirate route. We were to simply attempt to locate any beacons and were in one of the
( a lightly armed, or better yet, an unarmed, give the girl an excuse to give up so easily)
combat shuttles. No problems were anticipated.


The pirate cruiser surprised us and I made the decision to surrender rather than fight a battle I had no chance of winning. We were taken aboard and placed in chains, and then our uniforms were cut away and discarded. The make up of my crew was three male and two female, including myself.

The men were secured to the bulkhead and Electronics Technician Keller and I were forced to perform sexual acts on each of them.
(Come on Rhabbi, these are fuckin nasty pirates. Give us a reason to hate and fear them. No way would they let the navy men get their jollies unless it served some sadistic purpose,
The women were forced to perform oral sex on the poor swabbies while the men were being slowly strangled. (then if you’re really pushing it you could mention that two of them climaxed before their execution was complete.)
*** the preceding depends on the audience you are targeting if other than adult kink you probably went in the right direction but I’d still want some nasty details just to give the pirates their bona fides as really bad dudes***

We were then raped by the (entire)crew of the cruiser.(but of course my dear, the price of surrender)

The interviews with other prisoners indicate similar stories. The interviews clearly indicate that the pirates are much worse than intelligence reports suggested.

Prisoners also indicate that SOG-4 were not responsible for their rescue. Testimony indicated a group of naval personnel had entered the base just before our entry. Descriptions of gear and uniforms indicate that the personnel equipped with obsolete equipment. Previous encounters with enemy casualties indicate that we do not currently know weaponry that they used.

MIA FN Goode located in the dispensary. Serious wound had been dressed and treated. We were unable to determine the persons responsible for treating FN Goode’s injuries. Only clue was a log chip that was forwarded because local decryption unable to open it.
EOAAR 1315 Operation Recover SOG-4 Cdr. Fraks.

“Interesting. Was the log mentioned decrypted?”

“Yes. That is why I am here. I am not sure what to believe.”

“Why not?”

“It is a complete log of CSE Phoenix.”
(an earlier chapter/prequel?)

Admiral Harrison just looked back at her friend.

“”Before you ask, we are sure. A ghost ship and crew pulled off a rescue that was beyond that of our best Special Operations Group. They also saved the bacon of our newest cruiser. Even though Lexington will be in the yards for a year, if the Phoenix had not shown up she would have been lost.”

Adm. Harrison slowly settled back in her chair.

A nice tease Rhabbi, you did well with the economy of words part,
you've got your damsel, ( a couple that could be developed actually )
You've got your pirates, though they could be nastier, it's a matter of taste I suppose .
You've got your heroic ghosts but you definitely stinted there, much more to say and the log of the ghost ship is a cheeky twist at best.
The only bloody arrogance I see is of the high command and it's reliance
on piss poor intel but even that is only hinted at. It is unclear how the pirates arrogance lead to their downfall.
Were you planning to use those last 500 words to cover those few minor glitches?

have your gurl call mine, lets talk.
Mad and Lews