Can I have it all?

[sexysub06]

Hi I am a beautiful 33Y old independent Lady with a submissive nature that is driving me insane. I am tired of going outside of my relationships to get sexually satisified. Is it possible to have a normal relationship with respect and then ask to be treated like a worthless slut in the bedroom..maybe I'm dreaming but that is what I'm seaching for...
Any thoughts......

[bellelapine]

That wouldn't be so much a D/s relationship as I think it would be considered a relationship with some extra kinky perks. From the word of mouth of some of my friends who are just into kinky perks of sex, you can have it all.
It would of course depend on how your partner(s) felt about it and communication is key, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a slut in the bedroom and have a normal vanilla relationship outside of it.

[GS42]

It's quite a common question around here, which isn't a surprise at all, because it's generally a question often asked: can I have the relationship I want? And I believe the answer infallibly is 'yes, you can'. That isn't a guarantee, though.

The chances of finding someone to treat you the way you want, of course depend on how common your wishes are. Maybe the most frustrating thing about this is that your guy will be asking himself the exact same question; if he were to take a random girl out, his chances of her liking to be treated like a worthless slut in the bedroom aren't that great altogether either.

But yes, you can have the relationship you dream about and long for, it would be ridiculous to say you can't. (But then again, maybe I'm too young and not cynical enough.) And I think you came to the right place to talk about this; with the way you describe yourself I wouldn't be surprised some men here will be interested.

[Ozme52]

Hi I am a beautiful 33Y old independent Lady with a submissive nature that is driving me insane. I am tired of going outside of my relationships to get sexually satisified. Is it possible to have a normal relationship with respect and then ask to be treated like a worthless slut in the bedroom..maybe I'm dreaming but that is what I'm seaching for...
Any thoughts......

Sure, but more likely a worthwhile slut.

That wouldn't be so much a D/s relationship as I think it would be considered a relationship with some extra kinky perks. From the word of mouth of some of my friends who are just into kinky perks of sex, you can have it all.
It would of course depend on how your partner(s) felt about it and communication is key, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a slut in the bedroom and have a normal vanilla relationship outside of it.

And bella, why shouldn't you be respected but still submissive outside of the bedroom. Just like any hierarchal relationship, such as work, your input is valued and considered but ultimately the 'boss' makes the final decision.

You can be 24/7 and very submissive but still respected, without any doubt who is in charge.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

Sure, you can have it all. I think that you can have a normal vanilla relationship outside the bedroom and then have a kinky sexual relationship inside the bedroom. You will still get the respect that you need and deserve. And if you decided to go all out for a D/s relationship you will still get the respect, love, caring, etc. that you need and deserve. I have that with my marriage to my Master. I already went through an abusive vanilla marriage where I was a complete doormat and was physically, verbally and emotionally abused. So once I got out of that I told myself that my next relationship would be nothing like that. And it isn't. Yes, I love pain and humiltation as much as the next sub, but I get respect and love and caring and empathy and everything else from my Master.

So yes, I would say that you can have the relationship that you want. You can be vanilla to the rest of the world and kinky to only your SO. Or you can be kinky to the rest of the world and to your SO. Every D/s relationship is different. One sub might want to be degraded and made to feel like an object 24/7, while another one only wants that during sessions with her Master. Another might want to be controlled 24/7, while another for only limited periods of time. The list goes on and no one's relationship is "better" or "more D/s" than anyone else's. It all depends on what you and your SO want for your relationship.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

Sure, but more likely a worthwhile slut.





And bella, why shouldn't you be respected but still submissive outside of the bedroom. Just like any hierarchal relationship, such as work, your input is valued and considered but ultimately the 'boss' makes the final decision.

You can be 24/7 and very submissive but still respected, without any doubt who is in charge.

Absolutely, Ozme! I refuse to be a relationship with anyone who did not respect me! I've gone the route where I was treated like I was worthless, where my ex literally did not care whether I lived or died. Never again!

[Ozme52]

It's quite a common question around here, which isn't a surprise at all, because it's generally a question often asked: can I have the relationship I want? And I believe the answer infallibly is 'yes, you can'. That isn't a guarantee, though.

The chances of finding someone to treat you the way you want, of course depend on how common your wishes are. Maybe the most frustrating thing about this is that your guy will be asking himself the exact same question; if he were to take a random girl out, his chances of her liking to be treated like a worthless slut in the bedroom aren't that great altogether either.

But yes, you can have the relationship you dream about and long for, it would be ridiculous to say you can't. (But then again, maybe I'm too young and not cynical enough.) And I think you came to the right place to talk about this; with the way you describe yourself I wouldn't be surprised some men here will be interested.

I've found that up-front communication really helps in finding what you want... and not being so desperate that you ignore what you're hearing. (Not pretending you can be or give something that's not in you.)

Eventually you find the person you need and want who needs and wants what you have to offer. It just takes time.

That said, I empathize with those already in relationships, often with vanilla partners, who have to consider alternatives. I'm one of those myself, so it took much longer to find someone who ALSO was mindful of my desire to have both. Very few of us are both bdsm and poly it seems.

[Ozme52]

Absolutely, Ozme! I refuse to be a relationship with anyone who did not respect me! I've gone the route where I was treated like I was worthless, where my ex literally did not care whether I lived or died. Never again!

I never really understood the 'worthless' adjective. I don't own worthless stuff. Nor would I want to show people I have worthless stuff.

My girl better be damned proud to be mine. And damned proud of herself. I have great taste and find it insulting if she were to think herself worthless.

But ya gotta love an enthusiastic, do-anything-for-you, slut in the bedroom.

[Euryleia]

I never really understood the 'worthless' adjective. I don't own worthless stuff. Nor would I want to show people I have worthless stuff.

My girl better be damned proud to be mine. And damned proud of herself. I have great taste and find it insulting if she were to think herself worthless.

But ya gotta love an enthusiastic, do-anything-for-you, slut in the bedroom.

Amen, brother! I can't think of a word to add to your great reply.

[cadence]

I never really understood the 'worthless' adjective. I don't own worthless stuff. Nor would I want to show people I have worthless stuff.

My girl better be damned proud to be mine. And damned proud of herself. I have great taste and find it insulting if she were to think herself worthless.

But ya gotta love an enthusiastic, do-anything-for-you, slut in the bedroom.

I think the word "worthless" may be misconstrued a bit.
I don't think that anyone would want to be considered worthless, but the general meaning itself is more akin to the humiliation aspects of the sexual side of things, being treated as an object or a toy.
I suppose the term gets thrown around too loosely at times.

I like the word to be used on me sometimes, but I do know that it is not used in any sort of demeaning way, I am still greatly respected, and still respect myself when all is said and done.
If the word was being used as a means to berate me, I would know it, and I wouldn't appreciate it.

As for having it all, sure you can if you put your mind to it, if you know what you want and set a path to get it.
It is not going to go the way you planned though, it takes work, effort, determination and a considerable amount of communication to work your way through the pitfalls you may encounter.
Hope you find what you are looking for.

[bellelapine]

I didn't mean to sound as if I didn't believe you could be respected in a D/s relationship. My Sir and I treat each other with the utmost respect and frankly if we didn't the trust required for our relationship wouldn't be there. However, the point was that it sounded as if she wasn't interested so much in a D/s relationship as a vanilla with kink.
All good relationships require sitting down and talking with your partner(s). That's the key to finding out what you really like and what your partner likes and is willing to engage in. I've had strictly vanilla partners who got a wild hair and decided to try to be dominant...it didn't end pretty for either myself or them because they carried the "slut" out of the bedroom when neither of us wanted that.
There's a line between kinky vanilla (read: normal) and a D/s relationship. The person doing the asking definitely needs to know what they really want before asking for it though.

[denuseri]

well said, comunication, determination, and trust are real vital elements to "having" it all, of course most people get what they put into a relationship as well, dom sub or vanilla, but it doth take two to tango, all effort on one part doesnt mean any may be expended by the other in equal measure,, basically sit him down and tell him exactly how u feel, and more importantly ASK him how he feels, expects etc, the shoe cant fit if yu never try it on right?

[lily27]

I'll just second pretty much everything Oz said.

Sure you can have it all, whatever it "all" means to you. Just realize that the more things you are looking for in a partner, the harder it might be to find the perfect person. Definitely not impossible, but you will need to have patience.

We have a 24/7 D/s relationship, but appear completley vanilla to the outside world. I wouldn't have it any other way. He listens to and respects my opinions, and I make many mundane decisions on my own.... but when he wants to have the last word, he certainly gets it.

And I am a most valuable slut in the bedroom.

[Tojo]

Yes of course you can have it all- people who don't, often have themselves to blame to some extent.

I too have a problem with the 'worthless slut' thing- even just in roleplay. My wife used to be dead keen on that sort of thing (back in the days when we were young & healthy!)

I used to go along with it as much as I though appropriate, but I never would have said anything like that to her. That would be like going out to my bike & calling it a 'heap of shit'

[Ozme52]

I think the word "worthless" may be misconstrued a bit.
I don't think that anyone would want to be considered worthless, but the general meaning itself is more akin to the humiliation aspects of the sexual side of things, being treated as an object or a toy.
I suppose the term gets thrown around too loosely at times.

I like the word to be used on me sometimes, but I do know that it is not used in any sort of demeaning way, I am still greatly respected, and still respect myself when all is said and done.
If the word was being used as a means to berate me, I would know it, and I wouldn't appreciate it.

As for having it all, sure you can if you put your mind to it, if you know what you want and set a path to get it.
It is not going to go the way you planned though, it takes work, effort, determination and a considerable amount of communication to work your way through the pitfalls you may encounter.
Hope you find what you are looking for.

I understand perfectly what you are saying cadence, but consider this. Language reflects what we think... and what we think can also reflect the language we use. So if a submissive uses the word 'worthless' often enough he or she might well come to believe it about themselves... and if a dom/me uses the word often enough enough he or she will eventually convince themselves that their sub is indeed valueless.

I've talked to enough subs who are indeed insecure enough that they have come to believe it and can no longer even accept any compliment without cutting themselves down.

No... some otherwise perjorative words work real well in the lifestyle... slut is one of them... but worthless? That one is like a self fulfilling prophecy. Actually... they both are... but while within the lifestyle 'slut' seems to be goal-worthy... worthless is just destructive.

[alpha_Straye]

i think perhaps it might help to clarify that the original poster, sexysub06, sounds (to me at least) to be talking about bedroom role-play in an otherwise vanilla relationship. Of course thats something completely different to living in a BDSM relationship. Not better or worse, just something else.

So if she gets worked up by her S.O. calling her whatever during sex, so what? Thats the definition of role play i would think- that it's pretend. It has a begining and an end and what happens in the middle is just for fun. *shrug* No biggie. It's only recreation, so if they get off on certain words.. no harm done.

That's not the case if this is the basis of a way of life however. Then words have meaning and should be used wisely and with forethought to their impact. Words become a tool to be used as appropriate because it's someone's life that's being impacted and care is required.

So... it sounds to me like there's sorta two different discussions going on at once and confusing the issue. *smile*

[Logic1]

Ill just bump what OZ said about worthless and yes ofcourse you can have what you want as long as you are open and communicative with your partner and that he/she is willing to be just as open and communicative.
talk talk talk talk is the key in every kind of relationship including a D/s kind(actually even more so).