real life!

[icey]

this ones probably not going to make me too popular lol but surely one day it's got to be asked! who gets sick of the rosetinted D/s glasses? and who believes it 100%?
dont you ever get fed up with all the oooh im a true sub/slave and im a true Dom/me s**t? i mean come on subs AND slaves dont you ever feel like saying f**k off im gonna do what I wanna do and when I wanna do it! and nooo not tonight i got toothache,and Dom/mes dont you ever feel like saying ffs get off your ass and think/do for yourself, im pissed off today ive had a shit day at work i dont want to call you a good girl/boy, pat your head, acknowledge you've made my favourite meal, am too knackered to spend 75 mins suspending you from the rigging for the sake of 20 mins!

maybe im different to everyone else around here, i dont know but i am so bloody fed up of people in the ''lifestyle'' saying how they cant live/breathe without serving,there only reason in life is to serve ...or they HAVE to have control or they cant run a r/ship cant imagine it any other any way etc etc
i mean if thats really true then how the hell do these people cope in there every day lives?

i know for me personally ive lived too long (all of my 38yrs lol) to believe in that crap anymore,i dont work but i have feelings, i have problems, emotions, opinions and a family to take care of; the outside world to deal with and regardless of anything no matter what it just is simply impossible to work it that way!

[TheDeSade]

Welcome to ther real world of BDSM. I have been married 31 years, we have played and practised at BDSM all that time. We have NEVER been in a 24/7 Master/slave relationship. For us, BDSM is a fun way to spice up our relationship. Has she ever said, GO Get F*****d, when I wanted to play. Of course she has. We managed to raise 3 kids, 2 careers, a home, several businesses and all the other stuff that comes with life and still have a good time at BDSM.

Now, Im not saying that there are some out there who manage a 24/7 situation. Im just saying that for me, and for most of us, I think it is more of a pasttime than a lifestyle.

Now, does it really matter which way you have it. Hell No! You find the level that fits your life and that you enjoy and thats what you do, enjoy it. Don't let anyone tell you that you arent real or arent serious if you only play once a month when Grandma keeps the kids for Saturday night. THis is all about having fun, enjoying yourself and doing what fits your life, your means and your interests.

TDS

(shoves my soap box back under the couch)

[Ender910]

I agree. I understand BDSM being a major part of your life, something I myself am seeking. At the same time though there's a lot of other important things in my life, things I don't ever want to be forced to give up. BDSM is a part of my life, but it doesn't define who I am and what I care about.

[AdrianaAurora]

The reason my husband tells me He fell for me is because I dared to stood up to and didnt cow before Him. Ha! If He only knew, lol. The truth is, I was mortified, (that day and every day since), but I fake bravado real well, lol.

I never really digged the whole "pleasure from submitting" thing, I get pleasure from Him making me submit. True, I like pleasing Him, but thats like any other wife, I just have my own special ways, lol.
And yes there are days I feel like scratching His eyes out - they are called PMS.

With me I usually get depressed and really moody with everything else and He is usually in charge of patching me up; so in that sense it could come across as rose tinted. I lucked out in the fact that Tristan is so even tempered and disciplined, its so eerie that its impossible to translate into words, you have to meet Him - so that works well with my occasional temper tantrums and depression bouts.

One of my biggest fears,- and the reason I irritated the bejesus out off doms here with my questions, in the beginning - is that He feels like that, thats its all too much trouble. But somehow He managed to convince me that He doesn't, (at least for today).

He does get weary, and I get moody. Though I get moody more often than He gets weary. The good thing is, it never happens on the same day (my moodiness, and His weariness).

Life is messy, I am messy - are we or arent we 24/7 is a murky question, if you ask "professionals" they would say no, because I have a brain, a mouth and a job, and we don't play 24/7. But He is a dom and I am a sub personality and this is a part of our relationship, so pretty much anything and everything we do is bdsm, - that includes Him cooking dinner and me ripping a new one to people who cross Him.

Is it rose tinted, no (though today I am feeling rather perky). Believe me no one knows His faults better than I, and we wont even start on mine- but I still like Him, sorry.

Some days it (submission) does get too much, I wrote this entry http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/blog.php?b=128 the day I was in a very dark, depressed mood, - He tried to play a shrink with me and He pushed me to far, so I feel for you.

Hugs
Adriana

[Zenmackie]

Well-spoken, everyone. Every relationship is unique. Letting some outside authority tell you how it's 'supposed' to be adds nothing to anyone's happiness.
Duke Ellington once said, "If it sounds good to you then it's good music." Call your own tune, folks, and enjoy.

[Daumon]

First any one that uses terms like true sub or true Dom/mie is probably kidding themselves or their partner from the start. NO ONE lives 24/7 to serve or control another. Yes some people paint things in rosy colors and soft sells the issues they have in the lifestyle. Everyone has a life and responcabilites they have to care for and be concerned with. So yes we come home and having had a bad day we are perhaps NOT in the mood to be the cute little PERFECT sub or Reality stopping Dom/mie of a subs dreams.

Like any other realtionship the reality of the BDSM life is that you need to understand the others moods and needs. If you think its going to be perfect just because your in the mood or want it your asking for trouble. Yes, its very pleasing to be greated by your partner offering you the attention they think your wanting to share with them. However you need to read your partner and see if they WANT the attetnion or just some quiet down tim e to blow off stream from a long day. Again this is not much differnt than any other relationship.

When your little girl come home and you ask how her day was and the look you get freeze your arm hair. Then its probably not a good idea to jump into a Dom mode and start a small war. <WG> The same is true for the sub. Your owner comes home and you greet them at the door and and offer them a drink or your submissive services. You get more an annoyed GROWL then the hot looks you expect its best to back off and let them relax a bit.

Daumon

[igachu80]

Yup...a relationship involving BDSM is in many ways like any other: you have to know how to listen. I think if anything it's harder than a "normal" relationship. To allow a person to dominate you, or to be the one dominating, well, these things take a level of trust not often found in the average relationship. But at the same time, it can be more rewarding, spiritually as well as sexually.

On a side note, I've never been a fan of anyone who claims that they are a "true" anything. What they usually mean is, there is only one way to be this, and I am it, and you are not. So ha. I just shrug and keep on walking.

[The I]

I'm very pleased to see this thread popping up. Perhaps I've read a little to many threads about the so-called 'perfect sub' (and strangely not as often about the 'perfect dom'...) and I find it quite refreshing to read something about the not so glorious realities of daily life kink.

I haven’t taken the big step into ‘real life’ as yet. I’m only just getting started but as I’m getting closer to ‘reality’ I also have to get more realistic about what I could actually offer, and what I could live with, in the kind of relationship that I seek.

I couldn’t be a perfect dom all of the time. Heck, I don’t even ‘get’ the whole striving for perfection in the first place. At least not in the sense of striving for some commonly recognized image of perfection like the ‘good dom’. I think I might actually settle for being the perfect ‘me’ instead!

I have my weak moments as well, I have many weaknesses, some of them blatant, some very ordinary and some a bit out of the ordinary as well. Sometimes I am anything but strong, self-assured, calm, or any of the other things fitting in that ‘perfect dom’ image. Some times I’m quite sure I’d be in the mood for anything but being dominant.

I don’t want a submissive that I have to hide this from. I do not want someone with whom I have to keep on a ‘game-face’ when I’m feeling weak, insecure, or just to darn annoyed and tired of anything to be her ever-strong ‘master’. I want a submissive that I can relax with, that I can be myself with, all off the time and that probably means not being ‘in role’ all of the time or at least not trying to force each other into fitting the rosy picture of dominance and submission all of the time.

I want to give all of ‘me’ to my submissive and I think she deserves all of me. I think my partner deserves a whole person, someone with strengths and weaknesses, someone willing to share both his good sides and his bad and his plain annoying sides with her. And I want a real partner as well. Someone who’s not just giving me ‘the perfect submissive’-image (or whatever other perfect image society or some subculture projects to us), I want more! – more than an ‘image’, a polished ‘façade’ or some dream she’s trying to project upon our lives. I want a real person. Someone who’s grumpy in the mornings sometimes, makes mistakes, shouts at me and others from time to time, acts childish and also has her moments of complete beauty, love, humor and smoking-hot submission now and again.

I want all of it. Maybe I’m demanding but then again, I’m dominant.

The I

[Emerson]

The fantasized "24/7" relationship that involves total slavery and submission is, I think, a fantasy. But that doesn't mean that 24/7 relationships don't exist in one form or another. For some people submission or domination is just a natural expression of their way of relating to those close to them, and I think for many people - myself included - D/s is not just a sexual reality.

My submissive, for example, is about as selfless and helpful a person as I've ever met. She has so little regard for her own pleasure, and her own desires, that she tends to get swept up into her work, and into what others tell her to do. She is, in essence, entirely submissive - not just sexually, but in most everything she does - and our D/s relationship arose more out of a non-sexual need than a sexual one. Without having a dominant to serve, who can look after her occasional need to be selfish, my submissive would tend to allow employers to take advantage of her willingness to work too hard, to take on too many projects at once, and to, ultimately, bury herself in service.

That is not to say that we have a one-way communication in our relationship, but rather that it is my responsibility to keep her from her own good intentions, while she helps to keep me focused and motivated in what I do because of the value of the gift she has given me (that is, the gift of her service). We do engage in a kind of sexual roleplay, with ropes and clamps and so on, but that is just an extension - or maybe an overexaggeration - of our day-to-day interaction.

Perhaps some die-hard would say that, because we communicate, my submissive and I do not have a true 24/7 relationship, and that because she has a safeword, she hasn't really turned over control to me, but I beg to differ. I think it's really a matter of personality: most people, I think, have dominant and/or submissive tendencies (I believe almost every relationship - even vanilla ones - have a degree of D/s, whether acknowledged or not), but some people are too submissive or too dominant to just "play" at it. I agree with Daumon that no one lives in true 24/7 sexual slavery, but I do think some relationships have a permanent power-structure.

I think it is important to play before turning a relationship into anything permanent. My submissive and I were together for years before we determined that we were involved in something of a 24/7 D/s situation, but the only thing that really changed with that realization was some of the language we used to describe our relationship. Fundamentally, our relationship had always been D/s without us even acknowledging it, because that was who she was, and who I was. This fictionalized fantasy where submissive but not aware pain-slut meets dark and mysterious dom who turns her into a sex-slave is grossly overblown, much as it appeals to one's sense of fantasy. The reality - for me at least - was much more commonplace, and not all that different than a normal relationship (that's not to say that "commonplace" = "boring").

A final note: in a real 24/7 relationship, the dominant serves the submissive as much as - if not more than - the submissive serves the dominant. Granted, the kind of service each gives is very different, but there has to be balance. Otherwise the relationship simply cannot and will not last.

[skp2bear]

Everyone is born to serve the needs of others whether they're in the lifestyle or not. Doms don't have subs for their pleasure but rather the act of fulfilling the needs of the sub brings the Doms pleasure. Likewise subs look for ways to meet the needs, both sexual and asexual, of their Masters which in turn brings pleasure to the subs. If we all looked to serve others the way we do in the lifestyle the world would be a much better place.

[DowntownAmber]

I look at it this way icey... *plunks down a couple pennies*

J and I have separate careers, separate responsibilities, and several separate friends. We're very fortunate when we can squeeze in a coffee date, much less a romantic dinner out or a sexy little getaway somewhere. However, are we any less each other's loves during our times of separation than we are when we are across a candlelit table from each other, gazing into each other's eyes?

Nope.

We're still in love, 24/7, even thought we're not actively engaging in the actions our love manifests.

I am just as much J's love when I am yelling out my office door at my techs for taking down my damned server while I'm right in middle of something as J is my love when he's on a guys weekend in the mountains. At any point in my day, if I were to freeze and someone were to ask me, "who do you love?" I would say, "J." If they were to ask, "who loves you back?" I would give the same answer. (Yes, even during the times I want to hurl something at his head for being a total asshat.)

I feel a D/s relationship works the same way. I am J's sub: regardless of if we are in scene or not, regardless of if we're feeling particularly sexual or not, and even regardless of me PMS'ing like a hormone fueled banshee. I am J's sub. I don't have to be prostrate at his feet all day to prove that, it is not who I am on the outside 24/7 that makes my submission so, it is also the commitment I have to him in my heart.

That internal commitment is strong enough to be flexible to outside inevitabilities.

Now, that was prolly more than two cent's worth, so can you break a twenty?

[tired.of.vanilla{DJ}]

right on everyone here! So far i am online only...but plans are in the "way to slow for me right now" works for a live in situation, and no...i won't be spending the whole time on my knees. And no, i won't be quiet when i really protest something strongly. BUT i will always be sub. She will always be my Dom. Even when we cuddle on the couch one day and watch a movie....i will be under Her wing. THAT is the true 24/7.

[Borgs_slave]

I agree totally. I think people on the internet probably embellish a bit too. The reality of being a slave isn't as pretty as some peoples fantasies. I wonder if some people actually get off the computer and live. We are married and are master and slave. There are some days I just think I will scream if I see one more sock on the living room floor!.

Anyone that portrays themselves as perfect and all wine and roses is someone I think doesn't get out much. I am not perfect nor is he. We live a 24/7 life but I don't spend all day naked and chained to the floor waiting for Master to come home. We look like any vanilla married couple. I live in reality and not a fantasy world.

[Ozme52]

I'm more in line with amber's statement.

24/7 is an undercurrent the lives with you whereever you go...

One that acutely manifests itself when you're in each the others' presence and revs or idles as need be... but that motor is always running.

[star_sparkle]

A final note: in a real 24/7 relationship, the dominant serves the submissive as much as - if not more than - the submissive serves the dominant. Granted, the kind of service each gives is very different, but there has to be balance. Otherwise the relationship simply cannot and will not last.

Very well said, and so very true. It is the same in my own relationship.

Welcome to ther real world of BDSM. I have been married 31 years, we have played and practised at BDSM all that time. We have NEVER been in a 24/7 Master/slave relationship. For us, BDSM is a fun way to spice up our relationship. Has she ever said, GO Get F*****d, when I wanted to play. Of course she has. We managed to raise 3 kids, 2 careers, a home, several businesses and all the other stuff that comes with life and still have a good time at BDSM.

Now, Im not saying that there are some out there who manage a 24/7 situation. Im just saying that for me, and for most of us, I think it is more of a pasttime than a lifestyle.

Now, does it really matter which way you have it. Hell No! You find the level that fits your life and that you enjoy and thats what you do, enjoy it. Don't let anyone tell you that you arent real or arent serious if you only play once a month when Grandma keeps the kids for Saturday night. THis is all about having fun, enjoying yourself and doing what fits your life, your means and your interests.

TDS

(shoves my soap box back under the couch)

Again, well said. we have the same issues and although we consider our selves 24/7 despite the fact that is really is not a traditional 24/7, it just works for us. and the time that we get, are some of the best times and we enjoy them to the fullest

I look at it this way icey... *plunks down a couple pennies*


We're still in love, 24/7, even thought we're not actively engaging in the actions our love manifests.


I feel a D/s relationship works the same way. I am J's sub: regardless of if we are in scene or not, regardless of if we're feeling particularly sexual or not, and even regardless of me PMS'ing like a hormone fueled banshee. I am J's sub. I don't have to be prostrate at his feet all day to prove that, it is not who I am on the outside 24/7 that makes my submission so, it is also the commitment I have to him in my heart.

That internal commitment is strong enough to be flexible to outside inevitabilities.

Now, that was prolly more than two cent's worth, so can you break a twenty?

This is so refreshing to know i am not the only one who feels this way.

I'm more in line with amber's statement.

24/7 is an undercurrent the lives with you whereever you go...

One that acutely manifests itself when you're in each the others' presence and revs or idles as need be... but that motor is always running.

agreed


wow, i am so glad i saw this thread, this really makes me feel a lot more comfortable to know that i am not alone in my feelings. Real life does have its way of worming into our fantasies, but if it didnt we would not have all of the other things in our lives that are so enjoyable, or miserable, and in that case you have some one to hold you or you to hold them. That everyones ideas of this are different and that no matter how you look at it, what ever works for you and feels right, it doesnt matter what everyone else says. ( well unless they agree of course )

[icey]

wow, i am so glad i saw this thread, this really makes me feel a lot more comfortable to know that i am not alone in my feelings. Real life does have its way of worming into our fantasies, but if it didnt we would not have all of the other things in our lives that are so enjoyable, or miserable, and in that case you have some one to hold you or you to hold them. That everyones ideas of this are different and that no matter how you look at it, what ever works for you and feels right, it doesnt matter what everyone else says. ( well unless they agree of course )

im glad to know im not the only one who feels this way..phew!!!
i was beginning to think i was the deluded one and needed to get my very own pair of rose tinted glasses!,
amber i know what you mean about the pms banshee thing, lol i just didnt know subs were allowed such a luxury as pms.
amber,i feel for J-go if your fueled hormones at that time of month are anything like mine lol.

there were many more things i wanted to put in my OP about some of the romanticised things people say, im not saying there's anything wrong with romance but i do get fed up of the same old quotes and bdsm style lines and talk all the time and wish more people would be more comfortable or open with using their own.
because and this is not intended as an insult im including myself too, i think in some ways we're all a little guilty of that to some degree or another, kind of like we've become a little 'conditioned' to all the ettiquette (im not talking about the all subs should ask permission to speak use titles to all and sundry type ettiquette) for worry of being different and not presenting ourselves in the correct way a bit like society in general except ours being a 'bdsm society'.

but i didnt because it would probably have come across as dismissive,scornful or mocking no matter how i'd worded it it would i think have come across a bit rude and disrespectful and didnt want to start a riot.

[PropertyOfMasterJoey]

well i'm only 18 and Master's 19 so W/we still have alot to learn but i really am a 24/7 sub but i think that's because Master is really good at tuning into my moods. If i had a bad day He'll sweep me into His arms and hold me when i cry no matter what and then go and make me some tea. i mean i would do it if He told me to, but He knows that i really don't want to so He doesn't tell me to. W/we're really tuned into eachother and just cuz W/we're not being sexually Dominate and submissive doesn't mean i wouldn't ask how high the second He said jump. i guess i dunno if i really would to be honest though cuz i've never really been faced with that.

[Arria]

I totally agree with how DowntownAmber put it. I could not rephrase it any better.

Icey, there is nothing wrong with you at all.

[MissConfused]

icey Thank You for this OP!

I am curious about BDSM but I think of it as a fantasy to escape from real life not as real life
I want the whole experience to be grand and played out to the limits. Dinner before at a nice restaurant while my husband begins to quietly verbally explain to me who I am
Then to come home and live out the fantasy

I would hate to think BDSM is just vanilla sex with a new name