In need of advice...

[slu]

Hi. I am relatively new to this world. I am in a long-term committed relationship and it moved from kinky sex to Him asking about having a bdsm relationship.

Things are moving kind of slowly, which i know frustrates my Dom. i try asking what he wants me to do to or for him but sometimes i end up initiating sex or play time and i feel like i'm no longer the submissive one. How do i get Him to take more control without demanding it. (i have spoken to Him directly, but i think He doesn't like conflict because he doesn't talk about feelings much) Especially when i know he's frustrated that things aren't moving very quickly.

If you have any ideas or suggestions please let me know what you think. i have been in this relationship for 5 years and this is very important to me so any help is greatly appreciated.

[denuseri]

Well first of all, its not a race.

Dont be afriad to take things as slow as you both need to.

If he isnt moving forward and you feel as if you are, then you can eaither comunicate with him and try to help or move on without him, or stop and wait for him to catch up.

Without knowing the specifics of your relationship its hard to give general advise that going to be directly aplicable.

You say you know he is frustrated...how? Does he think your being demanding> Does he simpley not know what to do or not do? Is he lacking in initiative, or has his intrest wained? Is it a matter of not having enough information, or...do you both need to learn effective relationship comunication skills? (which isnt nessesarally a bdsm thing per say)

[roxi.slut]

Sounds to me like he isn't sure where to go or what to do at this point. Men tend to do nothing when they are unsure what they want or what to do.
Also, could it be that he isn't sure which role he actually wants to play?

[pervertedpages]

I've been reading a section in "The Surrendered Wife" (which is a controversial book and is definitely kind of offensively anti-feminist to read, but good for *my* relationship so I keep going).... Anyway whether this book is great or not doesn't matter, but her advice on sex is kind of sensible. Her basic premise is that women can restore intimacy in their marriages by "surrendering," and not trying to control everything all the time. It gives her husband the ability to feel like he's taking care of her because he is her husband and "a man" and the head of the household, and not because he doesn't want to hear her mouth if he forgets something... That kind of thing. Again this is not for everyone, lol, everyone should not go out and buy that book, it's kind of offensive and the way she treats gender norms as absolutes is CRAZYTOWN. Ok I'm getting off topic but thought I should at least explain the premise of the advice given.

So anyway, her advice on sex makes sense, at least to me, and it's that it takes away intimacy if you say "Let's have sex now" or insinuate that you don't have sex enough. She basically feels that if you take the lead, you're taking away the opportunity for him to do so, which could make him feel manly and sexy, and encourage him to take the lead more in the future. If you feel like you are initiating things all the time and this makes you feel less submissive, chances are this makes him feel less dominant, so stop it lol. Maybe try the "show don't tell" approach for a while -- act more submissive with your posture, with your tone of voice, defer to him while doing everyday things, go change into something that you know he thinks is sexy... Or anything else that you think might put him into the right "domly place" in his head and that he'll find sexy. And see where it goes. Trust that he is attracted to you and wants to be intimate and play with you, so do a little subtle seduction, if you want to play. If he really doesn't want to play that day, then you don't get to, he's the dom so try to follow his lead. I don't mean do this forever and ever and live unsatisfied, but trying to show him you're interested without taking on a forward/aggresive/dominant initiator stance might just work out for you. If not, don't do it anymore either.

Maybe try talking to him about rituals you might both find sexy? Even brainstorming things like that has been known to set some loins on fire, lol! Just small little things that can help you both keep in mind who you are to eachother, perhaps reinforce and encourage your new dynamic, and help keep the sexiness/intimacy present in the foreground. It might ease the transition so that neither of you will have to be in the "so, um, playtime NOW, or after dinner, maybe go prepare the dungeon in half an hour? or...?"

And lastly, just because you guys started out on this and are going for "a bdsm relationship" doesn't mean you need to feel submissive to him all the time, or you need to feel like why aren't you getting enough orders?, or that you guys even need to have a hard and fast "dom and sub" dichotomy. Perhaps you'll like your dynamic with a more loose structure. Play with it, and talk about it, so that you're both happy and are working on the same team, with the same relationship dynamic/framework as a goal in mind. The above part of my post were my attempt to give you specific things to try to keep up some intimacy, but talking and really understanding eachother and what you want out of your relationship is the most important thing possible. Talking about things in a sexy way, like bringing up sexy fantasies or things you've read, or in a "sharing our intimate thoughts" way, is a good way to ease into the overall objective, which is Huge Important Relationship Talks.

[Pflutter]

Ah, thanks, posters, this is very helpful info. I find myself in a somewhat similar position and it is hard to know what to do, or not do. I agree that communication is the key but dang that can be so hard to initiate and I still even have a hard time being completely honest when he asks. Yeah, that is plenty useful, huh? But patience and trust, can't go wrong with those. But thanks. rlly.

[thir]

it moved from kinky sex to Him asking about having a bdsm relationship.

Things are moving kind of slowly, which i know frustrates my Dom.

i try asking what he wants me to do to or for him but sometimes i end up initiating sex or play time and i feel like i'm no longer the submissive one.

How do i get Him to take more control without demanding it. (i have spoken to Him directly, but i think He doesn't like conflict because he doesn't talk about feelings much) Especially when i know he's frustrated that things aren't moving very quickly.

If you have any ideas or suggestions please let me know what you think. i have been in this relationship for 5 years and this is very important to me so any help is greatly appreciated.

Something in this is not really clear: You say he wanted to move on, and now he is frustrated that things go slow, but he does not take enough initiatives?

You see what I mean, if he is the one who wants to move onward, and the ball - as the dom - is on his side of the game, and you are eager to get along, then what exactly is holding things up?

I wonder if it is possible that you are the one who wants more action, not he?

I think about whether you are completely on the same page with what you expect of a BDSM relationship?

And like some other people here I speculate whether he is not sure what to do?

As I see it, no relationship can really function without good communication, and that goes at least twice for anything to do with BDSM or TTTWD.
I myself do not see seeking info from each other as conflict or confrontational. Why not ask for 'time out' while the two of you try to figure it out?

Might it be an idea for you both to write down what you expect/want/need from a BDSM realationship, and then read each other's notes? Maybe seperately first? Or write a fantasy each?

Or study together on sites like this? Or seperately?

I am afraid there is no substitute for talking about things - at least as I see it. And do not worry, most people grope around in the beginning.

Good luck :-)

[slu]

I really appreciate all the advice.

I know it sounds like I somewhat contradicting myself about him starting the bdsm relationship and then backing down, but it was because frustration took over. Life got into the way, we both got busy, or were tired, and he felt that he was trying and I was rejecting his advances. I didn't realize he was initiating anything since he wasn't giving me orders or acting any differently than normal.

I know this because I did what everyone has told me to do, I talked to him. lol Things are better now that I know what he thought was happening. I will also try to employ some of the more subtle "i'm in the mood" techniques to let him know I'm trying too without being too forceful about it.

Again, thank you everyone, and Pflutter, good luck to you too!

[thir]

I really appreciate all the advice.

I know it sounds like I somewhat contradicting myself about him starting the bdsm relationship and then backing down, but it was because frustration took over. Life got into the way, we both got busy, or were tired, and he felt that he was trying and I was rejecting his advances. I didn't realize he was initiating anything since he wasn't giving me orders or acting any differently than normal.

I know this because I did what everyone has told me to do, I talked to him. lol Things are better now that I know what he thought was happening. I will also try to employ some of the more subtle "i'm in the mood" techniques to let him know I'm trying too without being too forceful about it.

Again, thank you everyone, and Pflutter, good luck to you too!

Again the best of luck, and don't forget to tell us the good news when you get things together, ok? :-)

[fetishdj]

If real life is getting in the way, take steps to stop this from happening. Decide between the two of you (because you are still at the 'kinky sex' stage as far as I can see - only just thinking about moving on really) when and where you are going to have some 'you' time. Keep an hour or two on an evening or weekend free. Try to make this a regular thing - every week between 6pm and 10pm on a friday is 'kinky time' - and try to ensure that nothing gets in the way of that. This may mean reorganising other things, it may mean working harder on chores during the rest of the week to have that evening free and so on.

Another thing you need to do, as suggested above, is surrender completely. Do not initiate sex, do not make suggestions about what you would like and so on. Try hard not to top from the bottom (which is what you have been doing so far). Part of your problem may be that he is getting too used to you initiating things, too reliant on you telling him when and how you want sex and so he is not doing anything unless you suggest it. Men can be strange like this. Women are mysterious creatures and until we know how each individual one 'works' we are loath to experiment in case she gets angry/upset and stops having sex with us. Its good that you tell him what you need but if he is going to be a proper Dom he has to learn to depend on his own instincts.

Your role on these special nights is to serve him. You cook for him, make sure the house is clean, run a bath for him, rub his back and feet and so on. Make sure that he is aware that anything he wants from you is his to ask. His role is to decide what kinky and sexual activities you are doing that night. Hopefully by now he knows enough about what you like to do this without doing something you hate. However, if he does do something you hate you should still do it (unless what he does is unsafe or causes a severe psycholigical reaction in you in which case call a safeword) without complaint.

After the time is over, you do aftercare and feedback. You can feedback either verbally or in writing (a blog is useful for this). You tell each other what you enjoyed and what you did not enjoy and between the two of you, work out what you would like to do next time or what you would like to do differently. This is when you tell him the things you hated and so he will learn not to do that again...

Eventually you will reach a point where it becomes more natural - you need less planning, he can take the initiative more readily and so on.