beginnings

[bip0lar]

Hello folks, I haven't been posting for a while, although i've been reading some posts here and there and thought of replying...but didn't. Life has changed pleasantly, and I thought i'd come back to the community I gained a lot from during a difficult time, not only for a thank you, but also for perhaps some words of advice. See, little bip0lar met a boy. Well, a man really. And he makes me happy, which really can't be bad. And the sex is good. Which really also can't be bad.
I delivered a i'm-into-weird-shit line from the very beginning-- which didn't really matter, I suppose, because we never went into explicit detail. Fair enough, he saw the cuffs and paddle over my bed surrounded by tinsel, and did momentarily pause and look at me, but nothing was discussed, and the times that we used them weren't entirely sexual.
Then power-play started appearing, partly because he saw how I respond to sternness when it's required, and partly because, frankly, I think he enjoys that sort of power over me. I don't know if it's an ego boost or a manliness boost, or neither of the two, but it's getting stronger every day. And then the pain. In his words, he's doesn't want to hurt me, but with a lot of prodding and annoying and poking and general brattiness from me he has no problem to provide corporal punishment, especially after a long day. Which is fantastic, because sometimes it doesn't even have to be punishment, we've moved into a point of experimentation, I think, with how much I can take and how much he's willing to give at one time. And I've already seen the difference between punishment-pain and feel-good-pain, something i'd only read about up until now. A funny incident was a night when he took of his belt and I saw his face get a very “oh! I've got an idea” sort of look. He turns to me and says “turn around” and I just look at him in disbelief. And then he did the cutest thing.. He said “please”. I had to giggle and do it—only to be rewarded with plenty of thwaks on my behind. It was pleasant, I said thank you, and he was glowing almost as much as I was.
I even got hogtied a couple of times, but I think that was purely him showing off the knots he was taught at the Scouts and still remembers. I was clothed, so I can't write it off as sexual, but I did manage to sneak in a comment about getting sexually aroused like that, only to be smacked and told to hush. He's even made jokes about my safe word being “bananas”--although, I think he was joking, because he's said it a couple of times and i've been too embarrassed to actually confirm the seriousness of it.
Now, to my little mind, this looks like the beginnings of something that could possibly turn into “formal” D/s. Now, my need/want for submission is not only sexual, nor is my need/want of domination. Therefore, the way things are going now...well, it's fantastic. But I'm a little scared as to whether I'm reading into things here. That's why I was wondering, those of you who started out as more or less vanilla partners and then moved on, how did it begin? Was there a discussion where everything was stated, i.e. limits, wants, etc. or was it a gradual discovery for either or both of you? Were there moments where safe words could have come in handy, but instead you end up growling at your partner till they backed off? :P

[denuseri]

Well I am glad you have met someone sweetie hugs!

Sounds like he has done a little research there himself...you may be surprised.

I shall hope and pray that you find the courage of will to open and honestly communicate with him the way you have just done with us sooner rather than later my sister.

Ive tried keeping things vanila before and not mentioning anything directly in other relationships and had some limited success in some ways...but nothing beats having it all out in the open ,,the naked truth if you please if the only thing that can really set you free.

[Jennifer Williams]

It sounds to me like he's enjoying it as much as you are, though of course the story you told us is all from your point of view.

The relationship I have with my little one started out as vanilla, though I was always Dominant over him, since our first date when I ordered his meal for him and he seemed relieved. But that was just the way we naturally fell, and sexually we were actually very boring. I was his first kiss and even a little tongue freaked him out.

I tried my hardest for a few years to keep it completely vanilla, and there was a lot of frustration, misery, and arguing between us, until the day I finally caved and just told him everything. By then we were very close and had a strong relationship.

First, he freaked out for two days. He told me he loved me, he needed to think, and that he never wanted to talk about it again, and that was the scariest moment of my life.

I brought it up the next day anyway and we talked some more.

A week later he offered his wrists to me and said "Can I be your sex slave, Mistress?"

For a week after that, every day I must have asked him several times if he really meant it. He did.

However, when I think back, I was totally, completely prepared to give up all things BDSM for him, and I knew I could do that, albeit very painfully.

So, my advice is the same as denuseri's- you might feel better if you tell him how you really feel. You can decide if you want to ease into it and tell him slowly, or just have one big conversation. It sounds to me like he'll be into at least some part of BDSM, and then the two of you can work out how much and when and such.

Good luck to you, truly.

[bip0lar]

thank you both for your replies, denu, Jennifer. As far as communication is concerned i'm not entirely sure how well i can do that; i can get very passive-agressivey on him, which i feel awfully guilty about, but i come out with moments of hardcore honesty and moments of being shut up like a clam. but i guess that will pass--it's only been three months (and i'm very, VERY new to this 'relationship' business). so i don't think i'm sure i'd like to come out with ALL of this yet, cause it sounds like a lot and it is, isn't it? but on the other hand, what i tell myself is that it could be so good, SO good if it actually worked out. I mean, both of us starting out and discovering, i dunno, it's like swimming to the depths of the ocean slowly and cautiously, but you'll find yer treasure at the bottom eventually. (yes, he's gotten me into pirate references)
unlike you, though, Jennifer, I couldn't give up all things BDSM, especially since, well, it's kinda embedded in my character. So the moments of powerplay I see with him are not planned in any way, it's me being me and him being him and either him winning or me letting him win (heh).
this is the one personal post in which i'm really not worried about anything. well, except maybe my dissertation. but i'm happy, there's nothing that need to be "worked out". so yay.

[Jennifer Williams]

It sounds to me like everything is progressing just perfectly for you. Your description of wading slowly into the ocean is perfect, I think. I would just continue along the same path; if you're able to go it slow and ease into it, then that's wonderful!

[wyldrose]

yay! i'm happy for you. i hope all continues to go well for you both!

[jeanne]

I'm so happy that you have found a relationship that may work out for you, bipolar. I agree with the above posters....keep talking about it. And please don't do passive-aggressive if you can possibly help it. Having been on the other side of that for many years (and living in a state where passive-aggressive is a 'way of being'), know that the person on the other side of it gets confused, angry, frustrated and finally disengages. I know you don't want him to disengage. So, as hard as it is, when you have something to say, just say it - openly and honestly.

[bip0lar]

jeanne, i think i can help it. it's probably simple comfort-zone issues i need to get over, as well as the fact that i don't know yet how we react to problems as a couple, simply cause i've never brought any up.. heh. but i will, eventually, cause you're right, i don't want him to disengage. Fuck, i don't want him to consider dreaming about thinking of disengaging. so i'll train myself to talk, and perhaps things will get just slightly worse before they keep getting better!

[Jennifer Williams]

so i'll train myself to talk, and perhaps things will get just slightly worse before they keep getting better!

This is the perfect attitude, if you ask me!
Every good relationship has to develop a healthy way of getting through rough spots. Human beings are flawed and when you put two of them together, it's amazing we can get anything right. Your first argument is usually the hardest, because that's the one where you just don't know what to expect. But just remember that differences between you are really like growing pains; you'll learn how to read each other and communicate with each other better as time passes.

IF, you talk about your thoughts and feelings honestly and you listen to the other person's concerns with care.

And a LOT of arguments can be avoided simply by not letting it get that far; if you say what you feel up front.

[wife mom slave]

It is great you found someone you click with. that is hard to find. I do agree with the others, communication is key. I would start by talking about safe words.. thta would be an essential first step. then you could give him web sites and book to read, let him know you want his feedback on what he thinks about what he read.

Good luck

[bip0lar]

And, two months later, things are steadily moving forward. He's the dominant, I'm the submissive. (apparently!) He's experimenting with all sorts of different things like rope, belts, brushes--anything that will make me squeal, shout, shriek--yet there's a pattern that's fairly explicit: i have to be annoying/bratty/'bad' in order to get _that_ sort of attention. Unless I ask. Which, I discovered, proves to be fun, just because i get to find different ways of actually verbally asking for it (and now i understand that does take practice).
What I'm missing and don't know how to bring up is the lack of 'protocol' (for lack of a better word). And here comes the theoretical question:
Do you think the only way a D/s relationship works is by a completely "out-there" conversation that talks in terms of 'BDSM' and 'safe words'? Do you go about it by saying "i'm a submissive" and after a brief or not so brief discussion you research it?
Or might there be a D/s relationship where things have evolved without the "formality" of it?

Also, just because I'm weird like that, I don't know how I could ever explain my masochism and submissiveness together. What I mean, is that my brain connects pain to, well, arousal. So even when he's discovering what thing requires what amount of strength to cause the sound effect and mark he anticipated and gets me squealing cause that was the first time i felt so much at once, I might be shocked by the stinging, but the arousal will actually follow the strength of the blow(s). I don't think he gets that, or if he does, he ignores it, which results in me being frustrated. There is just no mentioning of any sort of sexual play, which is fair enough, really, there wouldn't be time for sex after every time the mood was set for pain. But this is where the 'formal'/'informal' comes in. Had this been spoken about, had we decided on set roles and responsibilities, I don't think I'd mind the frustration. Or, to be completely fair, I think the frustration would turn me on even more. But because I haven't told him, and he hasn't explicitly connected 'pain' to 'horny girlfriend', I spend a fair part of my day getting hornier and hornier and hornier without knowing if he knows.

What do you think good folks of the library? Not discussing it obviously brings paranoia. It's the basis of my whole second worry: we haven't talked about it so i can't really make excuses for him, i also can't accuse him. I just don't know. So what kind of a conversation would you bring up? How would others go about it?