Feedback: Rebecca's Revenge

[ElectricBadger]

First, the technical stuff. Don't be too overwhelmed -- I'm bored and a literature geek, a bad combo. And as always, feel free to ignore anything I suggest, my ego is far too hefty to be impacted

Scowling then closing her eyes she inhaled a deep breath

Sounds a bit awkward, I'd insert a couple commas at least, or revise the fragment. S/A "She scowled, closed her eyes, then inhaled a deep breath"

un unattainable

bible

-> Bible
A strange and slightly jarring transition from P2 to P3; the first mentions "sweet revenge," but the next starts out calling it an ugly emotion, graphically.

No-one may not enter the kingdom of heaven

Very awkward double negative.

Her fresh and lovely face now contorted,

The "Now" seems to imply a transition back to the present, ie after the murder; I'd suggest removing it.

gapping

-> gaping

his now aged body

The "now" again sounds awkward, implying another shift in time that isn't supposed to be there.

phallic

-> phallus

stockng

glasping, and unglasping

Glasping?

unfinishe

snear

hesititated

his minded raced

-> mind

Nake

she now slide those

-> slid

hime

Instincitively

And, his ankles

Technically a sentence should never start with "and;" you can break that without much problem, but the comma should go -- it initiates an unnecessary pause.

large sideboard cupboard.

Too many boards.

There shall there be any more pain

Awkward

Rebecca, leaned over him,

Remove the first comma

euphorisa

thoughts of task

insert "the"

glisteing

Tomorrow he would be a repentant man, now however, powerless to defend himself against her wicked temptation he took a deep breath and, like so many times before, he prepared to allow himslelf to be taken by the pleasures of the flesh.

Change punctuation to: "Tomorrow, he would be a repentant man; now, however, powerless to defend himself against her wicked temptation, he took a deep breath and like so many times before, prepared to allow himslelf to be taken by the pleasures of the flesh."

Rebeccas

fot he

<The cross, the symbol of suffering, her suffering each time> he coerced her into that that musky smelling room to be alone with him.

Sentence fragment; needs a verb. "was"?

She stood up, and walk

no comma, walk -> walked

crusaifix

than 'crossed' herself

-> then; no quotes around crossed, it's not a euphemism

Turning, back towards him,

Remove first comma.

whispered a pray

-> prayer

contored

sobbed, like

no comma


End of the technical part


To answer your questions, while it's not particularly hard to follow I don't think you should jump around so much. Specifically you give away the beginning and end in the first 1/4 of the work, which means the rest is just...the rest. It leaves an incomplete story arc and leaves a very unsatisfying ending (we know what the future brings; we just read it; we don't even have to think about it for a second once we're done reading). The intro is very good, and I like the idea of beginning with the end, but when you start your flashbacks I'd highly recommend making them sequential. Particularly, although you alluded to it you never used any of the "little girl" flashbacks to actually add to the plot; either remove them all or utilize them to tell the story instead of the memories of the "earlier that evening" time frame.

I can visualize some of what's going on rather graphically; you got the gore down well but other than 'he's between her knees' and a brief mention of her poise near the end, you never actually say what they look like. At one point his blood spattered in her pubic hair and I was surprised to learn she was nude (it was mentioned in a later time frame, but not that one).

For all that, I was very impressed with the work. You're a great author, and this has a ton of potential. I think you stretched a bit too far to create an intricate structure at the cost of the story (as your question implies you already know), and that needs either some more tweaking and transitioning or a reworking to prevent interference with your story. That you came up with the structure at all and made it work reasonably well is a testament to your imagination and skill. When you pause to focus on description your language is amazing; a couple more pauses is all that's needed for elaboration. Well, and a quick spell check

I'd definitely read this just for pleasure, and I look forward to seeing what you do with it!

[Mad Lews]

I've just finished, well, just about finished a new story. I realise it's not going to be everyone's cup of tea--it's about priest who has his penis hacked off by a woman he's molested as a child, but I wanted to write something different. Please, if you're a theist, or more particularly a Christian, don't get offended just back click now.

I've been over it, but I particularly need to know if I've missed any typos, spelling or grammar mistakes, and if the punctuation is correct. I've chosen to write it back to front, so is easy enough to follow? Does it all make sense? Are you able to envisage what's happening? And, most important of all, to me, if you weren't reading it for the specific purpose of giving feedback, would you have still read it all?

Thank you in advance,

Alex

Wow Alex ,
You sure go for the power play on this one. Yeah picking on pedophile priests is a bit like taking pot shots at fish in a barrel but you manage to bring some stark and vulgar life into the story. I know EB has filled you in on every typo and nuance and I'll never be able to compete with that but just a heads up. You can white wash a number of grammar Faux Pas by including them within a quote. Just be consistent and keep those grammatical idiosyncrasies to a character's "Voice". The sad truth is most of us don't speak with perfect grammar and diction and there's no reason your characters should either. Makes them more memorable if they have a few linguistic quirks. Just don't overdo it.
The story itself; yes I'd read it more out of morbid curiosity than any real driving interest. As I may have mentioned, I was raised in the wild by Jesuits, so I might be a little prejudice. Not my cup of tea but a powerful tale none the less.

First, the technical stuff. Don't be too overwhelmed -- I'm bored and a literature geek, a bad combo. And as always, feel free to ignore anything I suggest, my ego is far too hefty to be impacted

Damn Electric Badger,
Now I've got a bad case of 'Proof Reader Envy'.
Do you get bored often?
Can I send you a couple chapters?
Could I handle it?
Mad Lews