Tips for Dom's from a sub.

[wingsofanangel]

I was laying in bed last night thinking about my prior online Doms and about all the things that I loved about them and disliked.


I gathered a few things together that I think would really be good for Doms to know or realize. They are pretty basic, but it might be nice to share... so I will. This will be fairly short, so other people, feel free to add some. View this as a starter list.


Okay here we go:

Think about all that your sub. gives to you. Sometimes she may be reluctant to serve you. Maybe she is tired, or stressed.. these are the times you do need to spoil her a bit. Yes most of us know our place and are typically willing to give give give... but when your sub. says "no" .. "I can't" or just looks exhausted..don't think she doesn't want to. It can really beat her up when she cannot give to you. This is a time that you can give back to her. Let her lie down and give her a nice back rub, not a 1 mintue thing but... spend 10 or 15 minutes just rubbing her back and if she wishes talking to her. I guarantee this will work wonders. Do not expect anything out of it, just let her rest.. she may fall asleep (which she might need rest) but .. like in my case she may end up feeling so relaxed and stress free that she then wants to give give give... Many Doms get these ideas that they can't give this sort of "spoiling" or whatever to their subs... but you can.. this does not mean you are giving up your place of headship.. it just means you are charishing your dear one. Thats OKAY!

Next:

If your sub. has suddenly done something to disapoint you.. or needs correction, you can bet she feels badly about it. I have found that about 90% of the time a sub has done something wrong its because she wants attention. Granted, doing naughty things to get attention is not the best way of going about things.. BUT.. STOP. ask yourself " have I been working more? " " Has my personal life taken away from my sub?" "have I been more stressed out?" "How much time have we spent together?" You may gain a bit of persepctive. subs and Doms think much differently. Most subs run on emotion and just get so hurt and sad when they do not have their Doms to comfort them... or when their Doms are"too busy" they get restless because their whole world revolves around YOU. If they can't serve you, please you, and communicate with you, what do you expect them to do? It is difficult to always be perfect... I am not saying that subs do not do naughty things and deserve punishment, but stop and think about why they may have done what they did.. It may open up the lines of communication so that you can work on things in your relationship.

Next:

When punshing.. NEVER ever ever react on immediate emotion. It is important to sit and talk with your sub. Ask her why she did what she did. Explain how it made both of you feel. Explain what her punishment will be and why. This will help make it clear so that she will know what to avoid the next time, but also so she can understand how it affects you. This is very important. Lets say she is bringing dinner to the table and is being a bit goofy and drops the dinner plate.. the plate breaks... and she must be punished.. Now.. she may think she is being punished because the plate is broke.. however.. you may be punishing her because she was being careless at a serious time .. You would punish her but she wouldn't really get the gist of why it was happening.

Next: After punishment.. or correction you should provide time to talk with her... hold her... discuss things with her. There is probably much she will need to say.. she may feel very very bad about what she has done and will need to express this to you . She may need reassurance of your love for her, subs take correction seriously and often times let it effect their self esteem. It is is important that you make her feel special and good....

Next: Pay attention to your wording. There is a difference between want and need. A slave knows your wants and needs, often times better than you BUT... when you always say " i want I want I want" it can make us feel like nothing more than a servant.... when you say " I need" it makes us feel really important.. like we are more than serving.. but we are critical to your survival... little tweaks in your wording can really change our attitudes.

Next: Remind her of how much you cherish her/love her everyday. This is important. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our daily lives that we forget about hom importnat these words can be. Never end a session of play without telling her how you love her. A session can be emotionally and physically taxing... sometimes leaving your sub drained.... or if she coudln't complete a task, bad about herself.. make sure she knows that you love her regardless of her performance.

Next: if you are going to criticize her... be constructive. Lets says she is getting a little out of shape.. instead of saying " you need to exercise" "you need to lose weight" .. etc.... offer to do it with her. Women in general loose more weight when their companions except the same dietary and exercise habits. You might say " You know, I don't think we are as healthy as we could be, why don't we try adding more raw fruits and veggies to our meals?" or " would you mind taking walks with me after dinner?" little things like that make alllll the difference. If you say it bluntly.. she will feel unattractive and is less like to perform well becuase she will be worried about her physical apperance. This will have a snowball effect into other areas.

Next: Porn. Do NOT go from porn to you sub. Jackin off by the pc or t.v. and then saying "Get over here slut" does not make her feel like you desire her... she realizes that its the porn girls that are getting you hard and she is just there to finish you off. This can make her feel unattractive and worthless. Perhaps you need porn... (every has something that gets them going) but maybe when you get hard... and ready.. tell her " You are so much more beautiful than those girls".. sure we may know its a line.. but its a good one... and it makes us feel better and we will be more into pleasing you.


these are just a few things I thought about.. I am sure I am missing some steps... please don't get offended by what I say...these are just a few areas that I have seen problems arise time and time again in... and they are can be easy to change. It will take effort on both parties sides... and it will take time and communication..... BUT IT IS WORTH IT!

Remember to care for your subs... her mind body and soul are yours.. you must treat them as good as you treat your ownself. A sane man would never harm his own body... so never harm your sub.

-Anya- (aka Sera)

[His_blizzard]

That was fantastic! Thank you so much for posting your extremely insightful feelings and suggestions. I admire the way it was done with respect as well. **HUGS** ~blizz~

[angelic.zest]

thanks for postings such an insightful thread
i enjoyed reading it
kurixxx

[coookie]

i found so much of this to strike a chord with me. Thank you wingsofanangel for putting words to emotions i am sure we have all felt at some point

[SheepishJaina]

I find it kinda ironic that Q was the one who pointed this thread out to me.


Aye to all of the above. Please. thank you.

[Rhabbi]

Plain good advice and common sense here wings. I have a hard and fast rule not to punish while angry.

[Guest 91108]

hrm.. someone has to post something bad. grins.

is waiting on Tips for subbies from a Dom. goes off to think <WET> ( Wicked evil thoughts )

[His_blizzard]

hrm.. someone has to post something bad. grins.

is waiting on Tips for subbies from a Dom. goes off to think <WET> ( Wicked evil thoughts )

Worship the ground he walks on, do what you are told when you are told to do it and with joy in your heart and a spring in your step and most important... be very very patient.

That is an easy one. We all do it all of the time. ***giggle***

[wingsofanangel]

Thanks, all of you. I am glad so many subs feel as I do. I am hoping for some feed back from some Doms as well

-Anya- (aka Sera)

[precious]

Thanks wingsofanangel... the list is wonderful! i especially like 2nd one... since that is the one that hangs me up the most at times...

*bites my lip.... decides to say it anyhow.... *

Dom's posting about this... communication?.... *giggles*

[TomOfSweden]

I wish I wish I wish, I'd read this ten years ago.

[Guest 91108]

Worship the ground he walks on, do what you are told when you are told to do it and with joy in your heart and a spring in your step and most important... be very very patient.

That is an easy one. We all do it all of the time. ***giggle***

Thanks bliz ... Hugs ... but not all do it all the time chuckles.

~~~

I like my lil subbies to know me well enough i don't have to request or ask much ... Still working on them getting that down just right.

[His_blizzard]

Thanks bliz ... Hugs ... but not all do it all the time chuckles.

***gasps in shock*** Say it ain't so!

[caligirl{Rob}]

**giggles at blizz**

enjoyed this post so much, as it gave me an opportunity to reflect on my current Dom and why i feel at long last secure in my choice to submit...the communication and the time taken to make me feel that i am an intregal part to the "relationship" to know that if i fail it is not a lack of want to succeed, that he takes the time to point out what i am doing right as much, NO actually far more, as what needs improvement, and above all the continual expression of His love for me, in all aspects of our relationship together. It is evident beyond measure that He understands His care of me and for me makes me strong, willing, lovingly devoted.....

what a great thread!
hugs!
cali

[isbn1115]

Thanks for the post. It is exactly the type of thing that I joined to find out. It echoed many of the things I have been feeling about my experiences, but it also gave me some thought-provoking ideas. I look forward to learning more about all of this. Thanks again.

isbn1115

[Warbaby1943]

Boy after reading your post it is hard for me to imagine that you are still talking about on line Doms. Just how does an on line Dom take walks with you after dinner? That is just one example from what I read. I could ask other questions like how does he hold you after a session or give you a back rub if he is on line. But then I know that imagination can and does play a large part in on line feelings and actions. After all on line is still real life, isn't it?

You do make some valid points but if it is true you have seen it happen "time and time again" as you say then I think maybe something else may be missing like great communication.

If I say I need you, does it really mean more than if I say I want you so badly it hurts? If you believe I want you without needing you then I can see where it may bother you so I'll give you that point. However, I do believe that saying I want you also means there is a great desire on my part for having you in whatever way we are talking about at the time it is said. If I want you, I also need you. If you have someone where this is not the case then what do you have to begin with. IMO you only have someone who is using you so he probably will never need you.

I'm not saying that positive reinforcement of ones feelings and consideration of other's should not be carefully phrased to make sure each knows the other's feelings well. I'm just saying, in my case anyway, I don't "want" without "needing" her. So I would hope in her viewing me as her Master and Dom that she never finds fault in my expression of desiring her no matter which word I use. If that would happen, again in my opinion, there would be something basically wrong with our relationship to begin with.

After reading all this I feel I must ask, are you really talking about on line relationships as your first sentence states? It just does not read that way to me.

[wingsofanangel]

I have had some RL experience.. but I am speaking more so on behalf of subs... than just myself... things I have seen/heard/watched. This is not all online... this applies to RL too...

Also now being a married woman.. there are things I experience as just that.. not always in a D/s way.

When I say that the word "need" is different than "want" ...I don't always mean in the sense of "i want you" or "i need you" .. I was also refering to asking for something .. changing your wording can make the difference... but even if I am talking about when refering to your sub... SURE.. if you say " I want you so bad it hurts" HELL yeah I'd get my ass over there.. but thats not how all Doms say it.. I was just trying to point out a few areas in which I have seen problems or experienced them myself... or how my past Doms have one good things and I wanted to share.

Like Ocean_Soul and XSadist... thye BOTH always took the time to comfort me and comend me after a session... even if I did badly... that was important to me. Some, may not recognize the need for that... or we may have newer Doms who do not quite understand what works yet.

And obviously.. if this is happening time and time again... YES communication IS missing... I think thats why most of my ideas centered around Communicating.... -winks- Remember I wasn't refering to just my experiences...

As I stated ... .. my thoughts are just things that were in my head.. and things that worked for me or others I know... You don't have to take them to heart... especially if you have already found what works for you and your sub.

-Anya- (aka Sera)

[Warbaby1943]

Remember I wasn't refering to just my experiences...

-Anya- (aka Sera)

Sorry I must have missed that from your original post as I also missed the reference to life off line. As I said, on line is still real life. Still I think you have a very good thread going here. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.

[wingsofanangel]

Its cool.. I may not have made it so clear..... sometimes I start writing and just.. loose myself.... hehe...

and indeed.. online very much effects real life...

-Anya- (aka sera)