Who Really Has the Power in a DS Relationship?

[BDSM_Tourguide]

You give up too easily Donatien. TG is describing what a model BDSM relationship should be like not what an actual BDSM relationship might be like.

I'm describing one dynamic of a BDSM relationship. All I'm offering os some material for thought. If someone reads what I've written and perhaps realizes that dynamic is not present in their relationship, or presented incorrectly, then that might help them in some small way. I could cite ltp's situation as an example.

She was the one woman I have had a relationship with that I shouldn't have trusted because she herself was incapable of trust. But how does one know that until it is too late?

So because you have had a bad relationship, then my information is inaccurate?

The simple answer to your question is that you don't know. But if people only comitted their emotions conditionally, then the world would prbably be a sadder place than it already is. If she was able to push you farther than you've ever been pushed, then that's a good thing (in my opinion) and you might want to focus on that instead of the bitterness that you still hold.

I'm not certain what lack of trust has to do with the topic of this thread, though. Perhaps you would consider opening your own thread to discuss your failed relationship and its effects on you, rather than implying that because someone you have had a relationship with in the past has had trust issues, that simply invalidates the balance of power in BDSM relationships.

Subs are willingly submissive but not necessarily so...

Because a BDSM relationship might become actual abuse or because of manipulation it becomes dishonest we can't actually turn round in horror and say that is not BDSM.

Submissives are willingly submissive. A relationship based on non-consensuality is not a relationship at all. it's a crime. If a submissive does not consent to being submissive, then she is not a submissive, she is a victim. Don't confuse BDSM with abuse or crime.

A BDSM relationship may become abusive, as may any vanilla relationship. When a BDSM relationship becomes abusive, then it ceases to be BDSM and becomes an abusive relationship. BDSM revolves around one of two things: Either a safe, sane and consensual relationship or risk-aware and consensual kink. A relationship formulated on, or affected by, abuse is not safe. And since no one really consents to abuse anyway, then the relationship is also not a consensual one. So, while a an abusive situation may evolve under the pretense of BDSM, the reality is that situation is just an abusive relationship.

Still, all of this is off-topic for this discussion. If you want to discuss the differences between abuse and BDSM, there is a thread for that. If you want to discuss who holds the actual power in the BDSM relationship, then please post your thoughts on that here.