The nature of the DS relationship is one of power exchange, but what does power exchanged mean? Who are the people and who is really giving, taking, and holding the power?

Many dominants will answer this question and say that the dominant is the one in the position of power in the DS relationship. The dominant holds the control in the relationship and, therefore, must be the one with the power. That is, in fact, one myth that should be dispelled quickly. The dominant partner does not control the relationship. It is not the dominant’s position to assume, take, or seize control of anything. The dominant may set rules, may enforce discipline, and may suggest activities and assignments, but the knowledgeable dominant never takes control. It’s not his to take anyway. Taking control from a person is a form of manipulation and is, therefore, abuse. Since the DS relationship should be one of caring and understanding, and not one of manipulation and force, the taking away of control is contrary to the nature of that relationship.

If the dominant is the one that sets the rules, enforces the discipline, and suggests activities and assignments, then that indicates he is the one with the power, though, right? Not exactly. The dominant does all these things, but he does them in cooperation with the submissive. In most DS relationships, the dominant and submissive partners negotiate a set of rules, a set of limits, what disciplinary actions will be used, and the nature of the assignments and activities given by the dominant to the submissive. The submissive is allowed to say no to anything she feels uncomfortable doing, and should be allowed to set limits based on her comfort. The entire process is one of compromise. Each partner in the relationship must give some and they must take some from the other partner. Limits must be respected, as should the rules once they are negotiated.

The true holder of the actual power in the DS relationship is the submissive. This truth shocks a lot of dominants and even more submissives, because this is not the way people tend to commonly think of DS relationships. Rest assured, though, the power in the relationship rests with the submissive. In a DS relationship, the submissive gives up her control to the dominant; he does not take it from her. It is not his to take, and never will be his unless she gives it to him. The submissive does not give her power away as a gift, however, because she expects things in return for it; things like trust, honesty, safety, and communication. If her dominant fails to provide her with these things, then she is free to take back her control and move on to someone that will provide her with these things.

Other things, too, indicate that the submissive holds the true power in the DS relationship. For instance, a submissive may set her own limits. She cannot be forced to do anything she says no to doing. Any dominant that persists in coercing a submissive into performing an activity that is on her list of limits ceases being a dominant at that moment and becomes an abuser, because he has stopped respecting her right to be happy and her expectations of safety and trust. A submissive also has the right to negotiate a set of rules, with the dominant, that is acceptable for her. The rules should be a compromise, but in instances where a rule may violate the submissive’s safety, limits, or sense of security, then the benefit of the doubt should go to the submissive and her wished respected. Finally, and most importantly, the submissive may end any scene with her safe word. Upon utterance of the safe word, a scene stops immediately, any corporal punishment, bondage, humiliation, etc. stops at once. The partners may discuss the reason the safe word was used and may choose to resume the scene once the submissive is made more comfortable with whatever situation caused her to use her safe word, but the scene should not be continued once the safe word has been spoken.

The most important thing to remember, though, is that the submissive holds the real power in the relationship, because she chooses to give up her control of herself and she allows her dominant partner to have that control with the understanding that she will be respected by the dominant, as will her safety, her trust, and her security. She always has the right to leave the relationship if any of those details are ignored or are not respected. And she always has the right to take back her control whenever she chooses.

The true dynamic of the DS relationship is not one that is often considered by many people, because many assume that the dominant is in control over the submissive and that the submissive gives up her freedom with the understanding that she will do as the dominant tells her to do. That is not the true nature of power exchange; that is misinformation.