Quote Originally Posted by moptop View Post
Yes, Rhabbi, I'd love to know what changes you were looking for; I don't recall (but my memory fails me often, lol) any specific comments from you previously? Were you looking for editing/style changes, such as Ruby has suggested, or for content changes, or for something else?

Ruby, thank you for changing the thread title - it does seem to have worked! and thank you for the detailed review. I shall work on it.

Glad you like it, despite its evident flaws.
Quote Originally Posted by Ruby View Post
Yes. Yes, I was.



Changes, huh? What type of suggestions do you have?

What did you like about this story that you'd want moptop to keep?
I do not think I made specific comments about twhat I wanted. I loved the concept, but the flow was choppy because of the flaws that ruby mentioned. As an example of sp[ecific changes let me illustrate one sentence that I found particularly difficult.

“Yes, please, yes, I want to cum, please let me cum, please.”
this does not come across as begging, but as play acting. People do not talk like this under stress. Try it like this.

"Yes! Please. Yes. I want to cum. Please let me cum. Please!"

Using the periods actually breaks this up and I can imagine her almost gasping between the sentences. And adding the occasional excalmation adds emphasis. A comma is only a pause. A period is a stop and an indication to a reader that is reading aloud to draw a breath. takes longer, thus reads different and adds a level of realism and excitement.