Sadism

[Donatien]

.......... just an expression of how much I cannot resist touching her and giving her pain.

However, I have also realised that unless she 'wants' pain then it does nothing for me, to the extent that I just have no wish to continue. I am not sure if that is true sadism - only wishing to give pain when the recipient is grateful to receive it somehow seems to not quite fit with the definition of 'sadism' that I have in my head.

i think it's a shame that societal associations with sadism are such that we hear the word and we immediately think of people like Ian Brady....sadistic, merciless, heartless, cruel....but sadism in the realm in which we all operate is not the same thing .

i know for a fact that the thought of actually 'hurting' me, beyond what i wanted to do completely turns him(WW) off. Perhaps a 'true' sadist is beyond caring and mercy and any desire for it to be consensual, so perhaps none of us are sadistic at all, it's a pity we can't have a different word for it. [ How about ALGOLAGNIC? - Donatien]

....... i still agree that it remains the case that most, if not all dominants have to have, at the very least, a sadistic streak. (i say ALL dominants because, i also agree that setting tasks, having a sub suffer humiliation etc is still sadism, just in a different form). It's channelled into a Ds relationship, but a desire to be mean it still remains. i think this is something we just have to come to terms with and accept, and as long as any dom still has their sub's welfare at heart, then it's under control and has become the ever delicious oxymoron that is 'loving sadism'.

although I believe psychologists have slightly muddied the waters by making a distinction between sexual sadism ( sexual arousal through inflicting pain) and authoritarian sadism ( sexual arousal through the abuse of power); the later definition one that my name sake ( De Sade) would have abhorred as he detested all forms of authoritarian abuse,believing strongly and ahead of his time in the rights of the individual.. Dominance, sadism, humiliation, degradation, all are best understood as separate parameters, that may however co-exist within an individual to varying degrees.

Surely what 'explains' these seeming dilemmas as to the nature of 'our' BDSM and what distinguishes it from the abhorrent criminal “ sadistic” behaviour of a Brady , is not just the question of consent, and power balances, which have been discussed at length in another thread ( http://bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showth...ght=power+bdsm)
but also most importantly what has not been emphasized, namely the other “ vanilla” qualities that each one of us brings to any relationship.

Having lead a very vanilla public life, with bdsm a very secret sideline, I notice that members of this forum almost seem apologetic, when acknowledging a vanilla side to their relationship. Perhaps it because all of us (with the possible exception of ProjectEuropa ) get tremendously sexually high from fantasising, or actually inflicting or receiving pain in a sexual context, and in THAT context ' vanilla' is just that , lacking the spice and excitement of our style of sex.

I contend however that it is the very strong vanilla aspects of ourselves, that we take for granted and underestimate, that distinguish us from the Bradys of this world. Sexual Psychopaths, beneath a superficial charm, are emotionally shallow, narcissistic, caring only for themselves, and extremely manipulative, they are also frequently full of hate, and seeking revenge for all the hurts that have been dealt them by others( they of course are as white as the driven snow , having no concept of themselves as subject to any concepts such as right and wrong).

Most, (being realistic), of our community are apart from our sexual predilictions,loving, caring , honest, and responsible citizens, and it THESE “VANILLA”(be proud of them guys) QUALITIES, that prevent us from behaving towards our lovers, partners, slaves, children etc in the ways we may do in fantasy, where our sadistic leanings can be untrammeled by the strongly held beliefs of the rest of the committee that constitutes our mind.

Donatien