Sarah, love, you are most welcome.

I've had submissive fantasies as long as I can remember.

I was nearly gang raped in high school, but I fought like a banshee.
The guys came out of it more wounded than me and decided I
wasn't worth the effort. Whew!

The attempted rape didn't have an affect on how I felt about sex or
my hormones. I just didn't have those types of fantasies, before or after.
In fact, it wasn't till I was in college years later, when I realized
the danger my mind and body had been in.

What you experience is so very normal. I have a best friend who
was raped in high school. Every now and then her husband will trigger
some memory when they are "doing it" and for her everything comes to a crashing stop. She ends up crying and he ends up cuddling, but in the end,
he has had the patience to help her through those moments.

So, as you think about what you want, accept the past and
take your strength from having survived it, I wish you the best
of success in discovering yourself. Have fun with the vibrator(s).
I think that's a great idea of fear reducing therapy. :-)

You put a big smile on my face, too.