"Barely Submissive"- A Question of Being

[tessa]

Taking this on a response by response basis. All this feedback is just incredible! Thank you all!

Sir Russell, my sincere appreciation to you for what you said. You allow us to see that the challenge we don't necessarily want to be but are anyway is worth the effort and energy. You said it just right with this:

a challenge is welcome, why else would we call it training. Know that we will be there on your bad days, even if you hurt us with your words and actions because we know how hard what you do for us is.

Thank you for understanding.

My advice to anyone dealing with past events or attitudes rearing their ugly heads: take action and deal with it.

jeanne, outstanding advice. I appreciate it so much from you because of the meaning and insight you surround that advice in. You know the struggle. And there's been a shift in paradigm due to your differentiation between "give up" and "accepting". Thank you for opening my mind to the idea of what those terms can mean. And just thank you for all you said. Every word you put there is a bright light for me. ~hugs you tight~

Tom, I love how you cut straight through to the bone and expose all the rawness. I learn from you, whether it's discussing gay marriage or discussing the essentials of D/s. And I'll go ahead and say it...you're right. Fear shouldn't rule us. Without the risk, one gains nothing but regret. Thanks for being so direct about what is and isn't effective. Makes so much sense.

margaret, Red was my inspiration for the thoughts you see here. And because of you being here with us, I feel even less alone. ~hugs~

Oh firefly, you didn't ramble and you certainly didn't miss the point. Your words- "realistically submissive", "This is what you wanted. Take it.", "cling to who I am"- this and all the rest, you just knew what and how to say it so that it rang true for me. Thank you for that.

D-lish, Requiem, in my opinion, is one seriously fortunate Dom. I'm glad there's not one set of rules on just who we are and who we can become. I'm very happy for you.

The process of training is one of learning about each other so that we know the strengths and weaknesses we have and forge us into a complete whole, stronger than the parts.

Well said, Rhabbi. Learning each other is the key.

I swear, Red, you took thoughts right out of my mind and posted them here. And yes, amazing! Hey, as long as we're struggling together, right? ~huggles~

Yep, a team. But I can't believe you said anything about those "panties" thingees. Still, under a very short skirt, if they were just the right kind, they might be kinda cute. A new experience, at least.

[Flaming_Redhead]

First, I grew quickly tired of subs that were no challenge and very docile. Where is the challenge in that and where is the joy and honor of seeing someone you love work so very hard to be what both of you want her to be. morgan wants to be the best slave ever for me and for her with her strength, intelligence, and trust issues that is quite the dream.

Second, for the Dom a challenge is welcome, why else would we call it training. Know that we will be there on your bad days, even if you hurt us with your words and actions because we know how hard what you do for us is.

That's been one of my questions, also. Where's the fun in having an automatic push-button sub from the very beginning? I also wish to be the best sub ever, and believe me, it's a pretty ambitious notion. I'm not ashamed to admit that I need lots of training/discipline. The last thing you said...I need that even more.

If the problem is you, (ie nobody will ever earn your trust) then just go for it. Take the plunge even if you are scared, (under the condition that you think you have found a good one, bad doms are a dime a dozen). It's better to have a heart broken in a thousand bits repeatedly than never.

That's kinda what I did. I finally jumped, but now I'm clinging to the edge of the pool like a frightened child who's screaming, "No! No! No! I'll drown!"

Submission is trained out of you by the culture, this does not mean that you are barely submissive

I couldn't agree with you more. I've known all along that I've had some pretty bad "training." When I first told my best friend, Amy, about the lifestyle I was pursuing, she laughed her ass off and then asked a serious question. Why? She's known me forever. She calls me a "free spirit." The questions she asked were the same ones I've asked myself. Why do I want someone, a man, telling me what to do, especially with my background? *shrugs* I can't really answer that, except it's a need so strong that I walked away from a 10-year marriage.

margaret, Red was my inspiration for the thoughts you see here. And because of you being here with us, I feel even less alone. ~hugs~

I swear, Red, you took thoughts right out of my mind and posted them here. And yes, amazing! Hey, as long as we're struggling together, right? ~huggles~

Yep, a team. But I can't believe you said anything about those "panties" thingees. Still, under a very short skirt, if they were just the right kind, they might be kinda cute. A new experience, at least.

*sings* "You're the meaning in my life. You're the inspiration. You bring feeling to my life. You're the inspiration." Ok, I only do karaoke when I'm REALLY drunk (think 3 swallows of moonshine). *ggls* It's elementary, my dear tessa! Great, though barely submissive, minds tend to think alike, which is a good thing, too, 'cause I'd hate to be the only wannabe doormat in these here parts! *huggles* Of course the panties will be cute! I was thinking of a schoolgirl uniform with ruffled panties underneath. *weg*

[Dorkalicious]

Why do I want someone, a man, telling me what to do, especially with my background? *shrugs* I can't really answer that, except it's a need so strong that I walked away from a 10-year marriage.[/COLOR]

The fact that you walked away from a ten year marriage is astounding. I'm not sure how many people could do that, but I know what you mean when you say that the desire/need was that strong. It was a big reason of why I walked away from my last relationship. It was beginning to get physically painful to think about not having that aspect in the relationship...

[Flaming_Redhead]

The fact that you walked away from a ten year marriage is astounding. I'm not sure how many people could do that, but I know what you mean when you say that the desire/need was that strong. It was a big reason of why I walked away from my last relationship. It was beginning to get physically painful to think about not having that aspect in the relationship...

Lots of people were astounded! I didn't know anything about BDSM, other than some soft porn. All I knew was that I was sick and tired of being in charge. I made all the decisions, from where we went to dinner to where we spent our vacations to buying our home to when we had sex and in which position, and then dealing with any fallout from those decisions pretty much all by myself. I guess I expected more from a man 11 years my senior. No matter how I tried to tell him to step up and be a man, in the bedroom or out, he only whined that he didn't know what to do. I've spent my entire adult life topping him from the bottom as well as blatently topping him, and he only showed some backbone when it came to custody of our son. I'm living with the ramifications of my decisions, but I feel it was the only way to keep my sanity, literally. I had 2 bouts of severe depression during my marriage. The first time, 3 years into the marriage, I was in complete denial of what the problem was and opted for medication, titrating up to the highest dose of Serzone, which was 300 mg a day, for 2 years. The second time, 4 years after going off the medication, I opted for marriage counseling which didn't save the marriage but made me realize it was okay to let go. I only weighed 99 pounds when I left him. I feel much better now, though I still suffer from insomnia. I have a chance to start over, and I'm trying really hard not to be the bossy, nagging bitch I was with him. It's no easy feat, especially when showing respect for a man doesn't exactly come naturally to me.

Wow! Where'd all that come from? *ggls* Back on topic, y'all!

[Logic1]

Lots of people were astounded! I didn't know anything about BDSM, other than some soft porn. All I knew was that I was sick and tired of being in charge. I made all the decisions, from where we went to dinner to where we spent our vacations to buying our home to when we had sex and in which position, and then dealing with any fallout from those decisions pretty much all by myself. I guess I expected more from a man 11 years my senior. No matter how I tried to tell him to step up and be a man, in the bedroom or out, he only whined that he didn't know what to do. I've spent my entire adult life topping him from the bottom as well as blatently topping him, and he only showed some backbone when it came to custody of our son. I'm living with the ramifications of my decisions, but I feel it was the only way to keep my sanity, literally. I had 2 bouts of severe depression during my marriage. The first time, 3 years into the marriage, I was in complete denial of what the problem was and opted for medication, titrating up to the highest dose of Serzone, which was 300 mg a day, for 2 years. The second time, 4 years after going off the medication, I opted for marriage counseling which didn't save the marriage but made me realize it was okay to let go. I only weighed 99 pounds when I left him. I feel much better now, though I still suffer from insomnia. I have a chance to start over, and I'm trying really hard not to be the bossy, nagging bitch I was with him. It's no easy feat, especially when showing respect for a man doesn't exactly come naturally to me.

Wow! Where'd all that come from? *ggls* Back on topic, y'all!

o.m.g that was deep from the heart.
really touching and I definitely feel your pain and hardships there. I do hope you find exactly what you are looking for.
Good job working to solve your problem! You are one strong woman!

Submission is a gift given from the sub to the Dominant and not the other way around.

[Playfulsub]

I've spent my entire adult life topping him from the bottom as well as blatently topping him, and he only showed some backbone when it came to custody of our son. I'm living with the ramifications of my decisions, but I feel it was the only way to keep my sanity, literally. I had 2 bouts of severe depression during my marriage. The first time, 3 years into the marriage, I was in complete denial of what the problem was and opted for medication, titrating up to the highest dose of Serzone, which was 300 mg a day, for 2 years. The second time, 4 years after going off the medication, I opted for marriage counseling which didn't save the marriage but made me realize it was okay to let go. I only weighed 99 pounds when I left him. I feel much better now, though I still suffer from insomnia. I have a chance to start over, and I'm trying really hard not to be the bossy, nagging bitch I was with him. It's no easy feat, especially when showing respect for a man doesn't exactly come naturally to me.

Wow, thanks for sharing that. Saving my sanity is the one reason I might justify ending my marriage. It may come to that, eventually.