Restless Demon

[Ruby]

Thank you Ruby, I understand now why this was so hard for me. Your very detailed explanation of what I need to do is so helpful. Thank you for letting me rewrite before wasting your time picking at the first one.

Active voice, save it for the actual action! I can be very slow to catch on.

I interpret my assignments very literally.

Me, too. lol I'll do my best to be more clear next time.

I wanted to know if it was worth saving, and I am an attention whore at times.

It is indeed worth saving. Consider this:
This tale may not really work in first person!
It may be better told in third person, from the leading man's point of view.

Why?

One. The writing style is more like third person, with lots of I's and me's thrown in for good measure.

Two. The ending lends itself to the leading man's demise. Consequently, how can he be telling the story? To whom is he telling it?

I know, I know, this is often done, but I usually feel cheating as a reader and quite frankly, if he's become mad, it would be hard for him to string the story together at all.

Three. It may actually read better, and elminate the issue whether or not it's told by a man, if it's told by an unknown narrator.

You've accomplished the original task. Now it's time to consider, how to make the story better.

You can either re-write (give it a big editing refresh) by putting it in logical order, and really trying to "speak" like a man, or you can adjust the story to third person.

The choice is yours. Where would you like to take this tale?
Which "voice" would have the most impact on your readers?

Maybe I am incapable of a first draft.

Perhaps that's true and it's okay!

I never really thought about this process before, I just figure when it feels like a complete scene, or story, or chapter, it is the first draft.

That works for me. It's when you feel that you are done and need to put it down that you can call it any draft number you want.

I will set myself to task to eradicate all my clumsiness. When I began writing in earnest, five years ago I was going to blatantly fuck the rules...it had been so long that I had school, I had forgotten many.

People liked my stories in spite of that, so I kept writing and occasionally letting someone see...

Now, I see the value of sticking to a form and fashion that is more comprehensible...I enjoyed the abstract quality of my stream of consciousness phase...now I want the story it self to be the mind fuck, not the form...jeez, might I be finally growing up?

Ah, the student is learning quite a bit about herself.
One of the reasons I like people to play with different styles is to see what works for them and what works for the story they've chosen to write. It's like trying on a new coat, if it doesn't fit, we can select another and try again.

Ruby, your comments and instruction have shed a bright light on how I can fix this.

Great. I'm hoping I didn't shock you too much with my thoughts above. The more I think about it, the more I believe this story would work better in a third person, active tense, leading man's point of view, telling.

I throw kickass parties. I am so happy, I feel like having one right now.

Party? Oooh. We should PM.

I will get to work Ruby, thank you!

Beswitchingly

Thank you!

P.S. My r/l writing partner read the last version of this outloud to myself and two other friends this afternoon, before Ruby posted...No guy would ever say that!!" over and over...so please, tell me, yall, was the male pov at all believable?Any suggestions will be gratefully accepted...

I agree with your writing partner. Here's why:

In general and for first person stories (in my opinion):

Men think and want.
Women feel and need.

Men tend to be blunt, women flowery.

Men often speak and communicate in a logical flow: first A, then B, insert part C into slot D, etc.
Women often tell a story out of order, with random bits thrown in for emphasis and emotions sprinkled through out.

Both can be quite good at describing sensual items like touch, smell, sights, sounds, and tastes.

When I read your story, I didn't believe that a man was telling it.

Did your writing partner have hints or tidbits that you can share?

Keep up the great work!

Ruby