Quote Originally Posted by Ruby View Post
Me, too. lol I'll do my best to be more clear next time.


No need to apologise Ruby, this was an interesting lesson.



It is indeed worth saving. Consider this:
This tale may not really work in first person!
It may be better told in third person, from the leading man's point of view.

Why?

One. The writing style is more like third person, with lots of I's and me's thrown in for good measure.

Two. The ending lends itself to the leading man's demise. Consequently, how can he be telling the story? To whom is he telling it?

I know, I know, this is often done, but I usually feel cheating as a reader and quite frankly, if he's become mad, it would be hard for him to string the story together at all.

Three. It may actually read better, and elminate the issue whether or not it's told by a man, if it's told by an unknown narrator.

You've accomplished the original task. Now it's time to consider, how to make the story better.

You can either re-write (give it a big editing refresh) by putting it in logical order, and really trying to "speak" like a man, or you can adjust the story to third person.

The choice is yours. Where would you like to take this tale?
Which "voice" would have the most impact on your readers?


I only wrote in first person for years, it was something I was trying to get away from. Writing from the male point of view doesn't feel honest to me...I also realise it is important to be able to do so effectively, if I ever want any of my male characters to think or speak. I would like to make this third person, and I could set him up to tell the story (he is mad) and it would be much easier not to cheat you all with a vague notion of where he is telling the story from and make it more believable...however I did like the surreal aspect of it...I will have to think on this, perhaps I can do both.


One of the reasons I like people to play with different styles is to see what works for them and what works for the story they've chosen to write. It's like trying on a new coat, if it doesn't fit, we can select another and try again.

Great. I'm hoping I didn't shock you too much with my thoughts above. The more I think about it, the more I believe this story would work better in a third person, active tense, leading man's point of view, telling.


I will give it a go but it may take a little time

Party? Oooh. We should PM.

[COLOR="rgb(72, 209, 204)"]Yep, will do! [/COLOR]



I agree with your writing partner. Here's why:

In general and for first person stories (in my opinion):

Men think and want.
Women feel and need.

Men tend to be blunt, women flowery.

Men often speak and communicate in a logical flow: first A, then B, insert part C into slot D, etc.
Women often tell a story out of order, with random bits thrown in for emphasis and emotions sprinkled through out.

Both can be quite good at describing sensual items like touch, smell, sights, sounds, and tastes.

When I read your story, I didn't believe that a man was telling it.

Did your writing partner have hints or tidbits that you can share?

Keep up the great work!

Ruby
[COLOR="rgb(72, 209, 204)"]I will keep all of this in mind.

Thank you for taking so much time with this.


BP
[/COLOR]