I agree. Here's something I said to my husband that really made a difference: "Anything that happens between us when we are in "BDSM mode" is okay. If I get hurt (in a way I don't like), I will tell you, either immediately if it's really bad or the next day. I won't get mad or hold on to resentment."
I had to repeat this to him several times over the course of a few months, but now he believes me and has become much more comfortable delivering pain and being strict and demanding. I think he was afraid that I would turn back into a "wife" with all the negative connotations of that word!