Hi Fury,


If he made a comment like that I would assume he was either kidding as in, "have you been a bad little girl who needs a spanking, I'm punishing you because you are being so bad," or was actually mad at being put in this position and in that case I would be happy to see what his anger felt like. If it were too harsh I would let him know that too.
He didn't tell me that he was getting back at me until much later. I thought, at the time, that we were both wanting the same things.

So to me the questions are:

Did you enjoy what he did before he made that unfortunate remark?
Yes.

Do you think he really meant what he said or do you think it was a sort of badly worded playful thing?
He meant it.

If you do not want to leave him over this, and frankly I wouldn't either, do you know you will feel a need to do more D/s play?
Yes. I've craved it, for ever, it seems.

If so you need to communicate with him and he with you a lot.

Do you think it's fair of him to be angry that he is being sort of forced into this activity to please you?
His anger apparently had nothing to do with BDSM stuff at all. We were going through a bad patch, and arguing a lot, and he was paying me back because he was unhappy. But - so was I, and I think it was childish to lash out - literally - at me like that.

Do you think that anger if it exists can be channeled into a direction you could enjoy?
No.

He doesn't have to be educated on BDSM as such. He needs to be educated on you. That can be hard when you are not sure how far you want to go or what exactly you want. A couples inventory and safe words could help.

You could let him know a scenario that you would like to try. You can also let him know gently what you find scary and what isn't your idea of ideal D/s stuff. Do that when you are not in the bedroom and do it with the me messages not the you messages. As in I feel scared when told I'm being punished. Instead of you scared me when you said you were punishing me. What I like is...

You should praise him honestly and effusively whatever he does do, that "hits the spot," so to speak. That could also come later at the time hopefully he can tell by your out cries and body language as you thrash about and spasm.

Now some will say this is topping from the bottom. From what you say he is NOT your Master and probably never will be. I call it communication and ingenuity but be prepared you will likely never get all that you want with him. You have to reconcile yourself to that if you don't want to leave him and yes, it's HARD to do sometimes.
Thank you, for this thoughtful response to my question. You have given me a lot of questions, and a lot of suggestions that are most helpful. I do try to please him; he said he would play like this but he didn't want to do just what I wanted, which was a fair comment, but we've had at least three sessions that were just horrible - there was nothing in them to please me at all.