I had some immediate thoughts right away when I read the starter post. I hope I am not reiterating anything that has already been stated because there is so much in here already.

I have been there too with that struggle between self, strength, will and submission. I had a never ending need to try to force the other to prove they were worthy of my trust. I never even clued into the fact that I was not giving any trust to them either. Now there were people that were not worthy of that in the first place and thank god I found that there was people that were worth it.

Everyone has different dynamics in how they view BDSM, lifestyle, marriage and what a dom or sub means to them. I have been where I paid lip service to submission. Allowing the orders, obey without true desire, all the time feeling inner rebelliousness. I have refused to allow inner walls that I built to protect myself to drop and then I never could really feel what becoming open and vulnerable to another means. If you ever find that place once then you can go there again if you really allow yourself to believe that it will free you. I think any true Dom /Domme never desire a mindless doormat; a person who will give away submission to anyone is not valuing themselves so why would the Dom value it. A strong person that submits and gives themselves because they know what they are worth is well worth the journey if the Dom knows what he has.

Exploring the feelings and doubts the way you are is not an easy thing to do when most people would perhaps take it as some sort of failure. I think it is a sign of strength to struggle to understand your fears, how you are strong and how you want to become. I see a lot of people assume that to say you are a sub or a dom means you are instantly transformed into the perfect example. That is the farthest thing from the truth because it is a learning curve that is probably the hardest one to tackle and with the greater reward for you in the end.


I have been on the other side of that too. I had to deal with the feeling of having to lead when I was not sure how to step. I had learned a great deal about the weight of having the role in the eyes of another of being the all knowing and in charge person. I wonder if you had ever considered that the other person in your life feels just as uncertain at times as you do, that they are trying to be the Dom when maybe this is the first time they have ever explored what that means. I wonder if at times the pressure to just know how to be for them is also just as hard too. I also wonder if at times the appearance of inconsistent demands or attempts to be in charge lead to reactions born of frustration and uncertainty on the part of the dominate partner as well. It kind of puts a different spin on it when you try to be in the other shoes.

I hope this makes sense and is not too rambling...