Wow, I have to say "thank you" to all of you. I know you couldn't have realized what this could mean to so many people when you started the thread, but from the responses, all I can say is "Wow".

Maybe it was the things I read as I grew up. The Gor novels as well as they hysterical, er...sorry, historical romances, but for some reason, I wanted my spouse to be strong in himself, but cherish me. I wished to be submissive and to have him bring out my desires, even if I didn't know it. I expected him to teach me. Maybe if we both hadn't been completely inexperienced. Although I had read the Gor novels and they had greatly appealed to me and whew! made me have some really hot dreams, I didn't think there were really people like that. I was young. What did I know?

After my wedding, my husband treated me like a child. Well, to a certain extent he probably needed to, but there was only do what I tell you to do and no consideration for me at all. For years, I was never enough. Not thin enough, too loud, not smart enough (grrr, smarter than him, dammit), didn't make enough money, was too emotional, etc. Never what he wanted even though he said he loved me.

I met someone online who introduced me gradually to some aspects of bondage and at first I was enthusiastic. Maybe this was what I had been wanting/needing. But as one relationship developed another deteriorated. I finally left my husband and moved out on my own.

On my own...what a terrifying thing that can be. Loneliness, and being faced with learning who you are. Then other things fell apart...I lost so many loved ones...family members that were like blows to my psyche. Then illness piled on that. I had to be strong. I was the only one there was now. How could I submit to someone else, even online, when I had to be strong all the time IRL?

Seeing this thread, I realize that maybe those glimpses into the submission weren't as far off base as I re-thought they were.

So thank you for your words and insights.