Ever obedient to my literary domme, Ruby, I would like to offer a critique of your story, ladychipmunk (I've never needed a vocative inflection more than I do in this sentence!).

I'm going to start by saying I have no problems with your grammar, vocabulary (with one exception), or spelling, and, overall, the plot does have legs. You could develop it into an interesting tale. But I do think your comments about how hard you found this assignment to be were reflected in the story: I felt your heart wasn't in it somehow, but maybe you caused me to think that. Perhaps you just didn't feel you had "got inside" the man's head.

These are my suggestions: to begin with, I don't believe the first sentence. It doesn't work for me. Adept Smythe has got down to business too quickly, and we readers are filling in too many gaps - possibly more gaps than you left, even. However, I hope I can make this critcism constructive for you. Why not bring the speech at paragraph 4 up to the beginning? With a bit of re-ordering, I think you will then open the story nicely.

Secondly, why not tell us what Adept Brown's function is sooner? Just after you say he is Smythe's administrative assistant is where I would have put it.

I think your 3rd paragraph is the most important part of this story so far. It tells us more about Smythe: he has been through this course, he has risen to a position of authority, he has a mind for detail and clearly wants to base his right to control his acolytes not just on his own will power, but on some validating document that "gives" him rights and responsibilities. Part of your application had you rate your sexual prowess ... Strip. Would he have felt able to issue that instruction without the document on his desk, I wonder.

I notice that Smythe is aware of his responsibilities too, and appreciates that to have control also carries with it certain obligations. So he has implemented procedures to ensure the institution he now works for fulfils its duties. And by doing so, he has saved it from trouble with discontented students (was he a civil servant?).

He is an interesting man. Where are you going to take this?

Oh, and the vocabulary niggle? At one point Smythe says: “I understand from your application here that you wish to become a submissive adept.” Shouldn't that be submissive apprentice/student/neophyte?

Thank-you for the story, I hope I have been helpful.

TYWD