Lady C's 4th Assignment

[ladychipmunk]

Using active and past tenses, your next assignment is to write from the first person, in the opposite sex of you,
a scene or short story.

I want you to find your masculine voice for a character that you create.

What is he thinking, doing, and why?
What is the action going on around him and how would he describe it?

Well, Here it is my attempt to write in the male voice. Let me first say. THIS WAS HARD! I would not cite this as the best I have every written but... Here goes.

Admission (c) by Lady Chipmunk

“Have you prepared yourself as instructed?” I beckoned to Catherine, “Now come sit down and we will begin. My name is Adept Jason Smythe. Are you prepared to be secluded from the world for a period of six months to a year that is necessary for first year trainees?”

Catherine looked nervous but she answered in the affirmative.

“Good.” I picked up the phone and called to Adept Brown my administrative assistant. “Adept Brown will serve as witness to the legal documents that we will sign granting you admission to our program.” We reviewed and signed the documents that protected both the trainee and the institution. They had all the legalese for keeping the trainees and adepts safe and healthy, the establishment of safe words etc. I had been admitting our female trainees for the past 5 years. Since I took over and added these new legal formalities we have had no disappointed customers causing us trouble with the authorities. It is all a matter of making sure before hand that everyone is clear on their roles and responsibilities as well as what their expectations of the training. This was completely unlike when I trained here. We had a few unfortunate incidents in which the trainees did not fully understand that sexual servant meant, well, having sex. Adept Brown was in charge of the admission of our male trainees. Between the two of us we assured that all new participants knew exactly what they were getting into.

“Now you understand that we instruct women and men in the art of being good ‘sexual servants’. Slave conjures too many images of ownership. This is not about ownership.” I said sternly. “For the servants we place it is a two-way street; the master/mistress is as much ‘owned’ as the slave. Each needs the other in order to achieve sexual fulfillment. We train individuals to take either the dominant role, the submissive role or to take and give pleasure in switching between the two.”

I shuffled through the file on my desk, “I understand from your application here that you wish to become a submissive adept.” She nodded.

“The first year of the program is in isolation from the vanilla world. You will remain on campus at all times. If at any time during the up coming examination you are uncomfortable, you may leave. Your admission will be terminated and you can walk out that door. No Harm, No foul. Once you have completed the examination and have affirmed your wish to become part of our community you will be a trainee and will do as instructed at all times. Do you understand and agree to these terms?”

“Yes sir, All I desire is to be fulfilled and give in return.” She looked at me with confidence in her eyes.

Although I have done many of these entrance introductions, I never failed to get excited at the thought of the next step in her enrollment. “Part of your application had you rate your sexual prowess. Today we will see how truthful you were. Strip. Let’s put you through your paces.”

[ThisYouWillDo]

Ever obedient to my literary domme, Ruby, I would like to offer a critique of your story, ladychipmunk (I've never needed a vocative inflection more than I do in this sentence!).

I'm going to start by saying I have no problems with your grammar, vocabulary (with one exception), or spelling, and, overall, the plot does have legs. You could develop it into an interesting tale. But I do think your comments about how hard you found this assignment to be were reflected in the story: I felt your heart wasn't in it somehow, but maybe you caused me to think that. Perhaps you just didn't feel you had "got inside" the man's head.

These are my suggestions: to begin with, I don't believe the first sentence. It doesn't work for me. Adept Smythe has got down to business too quickly, and we readers are filling in too many gaps - possibly more gaps than you left, even. However, I hope I can make this critcism constructive for you. Why not bring the speech at paragraph 4 up to the beginning? With a bit of re-ordering, I think you will then open the story nicely.

Secondly, why not tell us what Adept Brown's function is sooner? Just after you say he is Smythe's administrative assistant is where I would have put it.

I think your 3rd paragraph is the most important part of this story so far. It tells us more about Smythe: he has been through this course, he has risen to a position of authority, he has a mind for detail and clearly wants to base his right to control his acolytes not just on his own will power, but on some validating document that "gives" him rights and responsibilities. Part of your application had you rate your sexual prowess ... Strip. Would he have felt able to issue that instruction without the document on his desk, I wonder.

I notice that Smythe is aware of his responsibilities too, and appreciates that to have control also carries with it certain obligations. So he has implemented procedures to ensure the institution he now works for fulfils its duties. And by doing so, he has saved it from trouble with discontented students (was he a civil servant?).

He is an interesting man. Where are you going to take this?

Oh, and the vocabulary niggle? At one point Smythe says: “I understand from your application here that you wish to become a submissive adept.” Shouldn't that be submissive apprentice/student/neophyte?

Thank-you for the story, I hope I have been helpful.

TYWD

[Nikita]

Hello LC,

First, let me say, I absolutely understand how challenging this task is. A couple of things,

1. The first names, Adept, used for two of the male characters was confusing. I had to go back and re-read to make sure I knew which Adept was speaking and which Adept was being talked about.

2. It's almost a monologue.

3. I'd like to know more about the other two characters mentioned, the other Adept and Catherine, through the speaker's voice.

If this sounds confusing, please say so and I'll try to be clearer.

[ladychipmunk]

Thanks for the input both of you. I have been pondering how to re-write since TYWD responded. So I tried to respond to both of your comments in the following re-write. Let's see if it worked. This getting inside a man's mind is tough. Y'all ain't easy, y'know that. (I probably still didn't succeed) Anyway... Here goes.


“Now you understand that we instruct women and men in the art of being good ‘sexual servants’. Slave conjures too many images of ownership. This is not about ownership.” I said sternly. “For the servants we place it is a two-way street; the master/mistress is as much ‘owned’ as the slave. Each needs the other in order to achieve sexual fulfillment. We train individuals to take either the dominant role, the submissive role or to take and give pleasure in switching between the two.”

I gestured towards the chair across the desk from me, “Come sit down and we will begin. My name is Adept Jason Smythe. You may address me as Master, Adept or simply Sir. “And your name is,” I glanced briefly down at the file before me, “Catherine Grahm.” Ms. Grahm, Are you prepared to be secluded from the world for a period of six months to a year that is necessary for first year trainees?”

Catherine looked nervous. “Yes, Sir” she nodded as she replied.

“Good.” I picked up the phone and called to Adept Brown my Co-admissions officer. “Adept Brown, is in charge of admitting our male trainees. She will serve as witness to the legal documents that we will sign granting you admission to our program.” We reviewed and signed the documents that protected both the trainee and the institution. They had all the legalese for keeping the trainees and adepts safe and healthy, the establishment of safe words etc. I had been admitting our female trainees for the past 5 years. Since I took over and added these new legal formalities we have had no disappointed customers causing us trouble with the authorities. It is all a matter of making sure before hand that everyone is clear on their roles and responsibilities as well as what their expectations of the training. This was completely unlike when I trained here. We had a few unfortunate incidents in which the trainees did not fully understand that sexual servant meant, well, having sex and were forced to expend large sums of money from our coffers to keep our institution safely out of the public eye.

I shuffled through the file on my desk; “I understand from your application here that you ultimately wish to be a Submissive Adept” She nodded.

“You will begin as an Admitted. The first year of the program is in isolation from the vanilla world. You will remain on campus at all times. If at any time during the up coming examination you are uncomfortable, you may leave. Your admission will be terminated and you can walk out that door. No harm, no foul. Once you have completed the examination and have affirmed your wish to become part of our community you will be an Admitted and will do as instructed at all times. After the first year of training your will be reviewed by a panel of Adepts. If you pass the exam you may remain as an Acolyte for the remaining 2 years during which time your freedoms to leave campus and interactions with the vanilla world can increase as deemed by your instructors. If you fail the exam you will leave Campus to resume your vanilla existence. These papers include confidentiality agreements between all students, instructors and adepts. What happens within these walls stays within these walls. Do you understand and agree to these terms?”

“Yes sir, All I desire is to be fulfilled and give fulfillment in return.” She looked at me with confidence shining from her eyes.

Although I have done many of these entrance introductions, I never failed to get excited at the thought of the next step in her enrollment. “Remove your clothes. We will put them into storage for you. From here on out you will only wear what we tell you, when we tell you.”

“Yes Adept, Sir” she replied with alacrity. I watched impassively as she removed her street clothes. She was gifted with large breasts and large hips to go with them. I looked forward to the testing those with a flogger.

As I continued to watch, I was careful to not let any expression cross my face. I wanted to see how she would react when nervous and under pressure. Nothing is surer to throw a person off balance than not being able to read the facial expression of the person you are interacting with. Sure enough, I saw a light sheen of perspiration beginning to glisten on her body.

She had gotten to her underwear and began to hesitate. “All of it”, I clipped out. As she removed her bra and panties a blush started to rise from her chest and began to heat her face. “Why are you blushing, surely you understood that nudity was to be expected?” I inquired.

“I am sorry, Sir. I am embarrassed because I hesitated.” She uttered, seemingly mortified as tears welled in her eyes.

“You are here to learn, we will disregard that for now. I am sure you will do better and meet if not exceed our expectations”. As I spoke, mind was spinning, this Admitted has great potential. “Now fold your clothes and give them to Adept Brown so she can get back to her business. We have kept her from her duties long enough.”

“Now, on your knees and thank the Adept properly.” I told Catherine as she handed her clothing to Adept Brown. “Say ‘Thank you, Ma’am’ and kiss her hand.”

As Adept Brown left the room I spoke to the Admitted in front of me. “Stand and put your hands behind your back high under your shoulder blades. That’s it. I want those breasts pushed out. Turn around slowly so I can see what we have to work with.” As she turned, the blush again began to work its way up from her chest into her face. I noted this ease of embarrassment in her file. Each instructor would get a copy prior to beginning work with her.

“Now bend over and touch the floor with your legs spread.” I walk slowly around her making notes in her file about her reactions both physically and the outward signs of her mental state.

Although she had answered the next few questions in her application it was my practice to ask again during the interview process just to confirm. Besides, it was my pleasure.

I parted her exposed nether lips, already damp, and asked as I inserted a finger, “Have you ever had vaginal sex?” From her application I know the answer to be yes, and often.

“What about anal sex?” I queried as I gently touched her puckered rosebud. That answer I knew to be negative thus I only touched. “That will be a lesson for another time.” I remarked as I gently stroked the surface of the orifice.

“Have you ever had a proper spanking?” She had answered yes on her application but “proper” is a term that was always up for interpretation. So it was my practice to always administer the Admitteds first “proper” pleasure spanking. Our policy is to leave punishment spankings until earned.

“You may stand.” I sat on the couch I keep just for this purpose. “Over my knees, let’s see if I can make your bottom blush as prettily as your face?” I only administered 5 brisk swats to each cheek just to see how she warmed up, not enough to really make the tears fall.

By now my member was quite stiff and I needed a little relief. “Have you ever had oral sex? On your knees and you can thank me properly for your entrance exams before I have one of the Acolytes show you to the Dorms.”

[ThisYouWillDo]

This getting inside a man's mind is tough. Y'all ain't easy, y'know that.

Wifey says it's only tough because it's so small ...

I haven't had time to look at this yet, but I will soon



TYWD

[ThisYouWillDo]

So far as I'm concerned, ladyc, you've done an excellent job on improving this. All except the beginning, I'm afraid. But I still think you can improve it. Here's how I'd do it: feel free to borrow all or any of this, and don’t be shy to - this is your story, and it hangs together the way you want it to. My suggestions are insignificant.

There was a knock on my door. It was open and the new candidate stood outside.

“Come in,” I told her. She entered. I gestured towards the chair across the desk from me, “Sit down and we will begin. My name is Adept Jason Smythe. You may address me as Master, Adept or simply Sir.”

She sat on the chair I had indicated and looked straight at me. I could see she was a little apprehensive but she had poise and confidence, and she returned my gaze with a steady look.

“And your name is,” I glanced briefly down at the file before me,

“Catherine Grahm.”

I shuffled through the file on my desk; “I understand from your application here that you ultimately wish to be a Submissive Adept”

Catherine looked nervous. “Yes, Sir” she nodded as she replied.

“Ms. Grahm, Are you prepared to be secluded from the world for a period of six months to a year that is necessary for first year trainees?”

She nodded.

“Now you understand that we instruct women and men in the art of being good ‘sexual servants’. Slave conjures too many images of ownership. This is not about ownership.” I said sternly. “For the servants we place it is a two-way street; the master/mistress is as much ‘owned’ as the slave. Each needs the other in order to achieve sexual fulfillment. We train individuals to take either the dominant role, the submissive role or to take and give pleasure in switching between the two.”

“Yes, Sir. All I desire is to be fulfilled and give fulfilment in return.” She looked at me with growing confidence shining from her eyes.

“You will begin as an Admitted ...

Over to you now

TYWD

[ladychipmunk]

Comments - Much appreciated.

Somehow you do a much better job of sounding like a guy than I.

[Nikita]

Lady C,

I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to your re-write. The holidays put me way behind schedule at work. Reading right now.

Nikita

edited to add:

I think I figured out 'Adept.' It's a title. If I'm wrong, don't tell me. It's not polite.

When I read a piece, the first thing on my mind is the story, how it begins, how the characters come across, what it is about, pov, etc. I don't comment much on grammar or punctuation.

TYWD gave a good example on how to start the piece. One of the most difficult things about starting a story is how to engage your reader with the first paragraph. After the first few paragraphs, you grooved.

Adept is a precise character and Catherine is eager to be accepted.

I liked this paragraph

She had gotten to her underwear and began to hesitate. “All of it”, I clipped out. As she removed her bra and panties a blush started to rise from her chest and began to heat her face. “Why are you blushing, surely you understood that nudity was to be expected?” I inquired.

Very nice humiliation. You made me feel the heat on her face.

It reads very well. The male character was interesting. I am wearing a big smile on my face. Good job.

[ladychipmunk]

S'all right. Understand

[ThisYouWillDo]

Comments - Much appreciated.

Somehow you do a much better job of sounding like a guy than I.

I never doubted Smythe was male in your story, I just had a little problem about how you opened it.

[ladychipmunk]

:Nikita,

You are right on on the title thing. I'm a SCi/Fi Fantasy Geek who isn't used to any other meaning.

[Nikita]

LadyC,

Your piece has been on my mind since I reviewed it.

If I may, can you to re-write the beginning part, specifically the part that tywd and I thought could use more development?

Things to consider,

An attention grabbing sentence that engages the reader and thus set the tone in the beginning paragraph. When stumped, I go to my favorite stories and read theirs for a refresher and/or ideas.

I wanted to know more about each character. Two sentences or three sentences about each can do it. The descriptions can be worked into already existing paragraphs.

It may or may not affect the rest of the piece, but, I think you will be happier with it.

i.e. Furtively, Domenica assessed the situation and offered to 'help' Cindy, the attractive acolyte who had garnered Adept's attentions. This Cindy could ruin plans that had already been set in motion.

Please highlight it in red or bold the additions and/or edits. It helps with the eyes.

Thank you.

Nikita

ps. If you don't do this already, can you read it out loud before you post it?

[ladychipmunk]

Nikita,

Thanks for the input. Will get to the re-write, soon I hope. But Have to go re-write assignment 3 first.

[Ruby]

Nikita,

Thanks for the input. Will get to the re-write, soon I hope. But Have to go re-write assignment 3 first.

Riiiiiight. Or is that write? Hmmmm.

Starting a story with a quote can often work well. However, when the story teller is the one being quoted, it can really confuse the readers.

I would like to see you create a new introduction for this story. TYWD gave one example of how to do so,
another might be to back it up a bit farther.

For example,

The first day of every month I receive new students. Last July, I wasn't expecting anything out of the ordinary, and yet, I was pleasantly surprised to find a diamond among my usual piece of coal. ...

Or something to set the tone.

Awaiting a new recruit, I adjusted the light above my desk to shine directly on the chair where she would sit ...

We are looking for something that tells us about the story teller and provides us with a bit more background to set the stage and tone of the piece.

Have fun with it!

Ruby

PS

If you need to let it swirl around in your head for a few days before you begin, please let it do so.