What's the difference between sweet BDSM love and abuse?

[jeanne]

I really hope this isn't true - it certainly isn't for me. I mentioned on another thread how worrying it was that so many subs seem to have been abused and I really hope that those who haven't will stand up and disprove this.

Here I am, standing up.

What I do think is that trauma can cause us to discover who we are and what is important for us. Trauma makes us wake up and realize that life is short. Trauma makes us realize there is no hiding from life. So I do think there's a connection between pervery and some sort of trauma. Any trauma at any time. But I don't think it's necessary.

This I do believe. The trauma doesn't even have to be negative. Just something that makes us re-examine our life and decide to make changes that involve honoring ourselves and who we really are.

There's a also this theory about fetishes coming from getting a masturbatory habit before one loses ones virginity. This habit then has to be incorporated into the sex for the pleasure centres in the brain to realize that it is in fact sex going on. If we accept this theory, there's no trauma needed either.

This is interesting. I've never even made that connection. Thanks, Tom!

How about this formulation: This is directed to slaves who are in what they would characterize as a healthy BDSM relationship. What do you think could turn your otherwise healthy relationship bad. What if the same sexual acts are performed but the dom changes his demeanor which makes it abusive?

Good question! I guess if the relationship began to interfere with my ability to function normally in my everyday life. If I began to feel negatively afraid of Him. (A little healthy, delicious, OMG fear is a good thing!) If, after our time together, I felt bad about my own submissiveness.

I'd also like to add that when I started my journey into the BDSM lifestyle I was pretty fucking far from safe and sane. Consensual, yes. But that was the sum of my good qualities. Today I would label the old me as abusive. A manipulative scum-bag who lied to and took advantage of submissive women for no other reason than to swell my ego a bit.

Thank you for your honesty here, Tom. You've mentioned in other posts that you've grown and changed over the years. It's nice to know that you have the ability to do some self-examination. An important quality in a Dominant, I think.