I didn't go through this entire story. It was too long to go over in the time I had to do so. Three things, in particular struck me. The first was...Hey, where the fuck are the spaces between the paragraphs? Let's get that spaced a bit better.
The second thing was...this is a long fucking story!

Okay, the first thing is possibly a formatting situation, which means it isn't really your fault. Still, I am gonna blame you and berate you for it.

The second thing I can't really get on you for. I am not even sure if there is a word limit. There should be. But I don't know much about level 1 assignments and I am too lazy to try to figure it out.

Now, on to the third...repetition.

It was the kind of morning that Clinton Baines knew foretold of the heat of the day to come. The sky was cloudless and there was no wind. The sky was the same kind of blue as his sleek Jaguar sedan. As he drove slowly through the neighbourhood near the Horizon Park chapel. He could see kids playing in the gardens with hoses, mothers out jogging on the sidewalks and dogs lying lazily in any shade they could find. It was a typical Saturday, Summer morning in San Diego. He reached the church and he stepped out of the air-conditioned Jag into the morning heat. He didn’t lock his doors- he never did. No one would dream of stealing from Baines.
Clinton Baines was fifty. His hair was black and slick- obviously dyed. His complexion was sallow and swarthy. He knew there was Italian blood in him somewhere. His business card said that he was a private detective and bail bondsman, but those in the know told a different story. They knew that, for a price, they could get Clinton Baines to do anything, regardless of legality. He had been before the courts countless times, but he had never been convicted of a single thing. It really wasn’t surprising- he knew the best lawyers in town, and juries and witnesses would never tell about how Baines had greased their palms, in return for their cooperation. Baines was a powerful man that you went to, to get things done. They said his power lay in his connections- connections that were never proven in a court of law. For all his power, wealth and charm Baines could have had any woman he wanted, but Baines chose a different path. He was gay.

The stuff in red was highly repetitious. The stuff in blue was incorrect usage of the language. Do not use colloquialisms when narating unless the narator is a person in the story. Also, stop starting sentences with the same word all the fucking time - get imaginative. You appeared so concerned with your stylistic method that it kicked you in the ass.

There was more for me to bitch at here but I am nice on Level One. If anyone disagrees that I am nice on Level One I will lash out violently, injuring all who are within range.