I believe that letting go is a difficult thing to do for everyone, abusive past or not. Having lived through a situation where you were betrayed possibly makes it harder to do it again, and the more often it happens the harder it gets (does that make sense?).

Firstly, I do not think that it is my past that has led me to be what I am now. It's two different things that overlap occasionally (which, I admit, stresses me out at times), but I am absolutely certain that I am not a submissive simply because of some trauma. It's hard to explain so possibly this doesn't make much sense -- it's the best I can put it. That said, past experiences influence all of us. I know the 'damaged goods' feeling all too intimately myself. Of course something that profoundly influences my life also influences everything BDSM.

I think the biggest problem -- and topic, at that -- is trust. I have some major trust issues, and although he knows about my past pretty minutely (I honestly think it's important -- I react irrationally at times) I believe it hurts him at times (although I know he understands, but it's difficult nonetheless). It's not that I don't trust him. I trust him to stay within my physical limits. I trust him to untie me before my hands fall off. I trust him to not inflict more pain than I can take. I trust him to do what's right when I don't really know what's right myself. I don't trust him emotionally, though. Not because I believe he would betray my trust. I simply can't trust anyone with my emotional safety. Letting go? Happens. Rarely. After he has been patient with me for hours and took one mini step after the other. I hope that at some point it will get better -- reconditioning myself, so to speak.

It is a bugger. I feel at times that I carry the past around with me with every step I take. I hate the fact that I won't allow myself to be as close to anyone because the last person (and only person at that) I allowed to get close to me simply...hurt me. Broke me. Damaged me beyond repair. But then I think healing is not an impossible thing to do. It's issues you can work through. I'm smarter now than I was a year ago. If this process continues, I'll maybe make it by the year 3000 But seriously, what I'm trying to say is that I believe that it is possible to re-learn to let go, to trust, to be vulnerable -- with time, and with a partner who knows and understands. Well, I hope so at least