I was never abused as a child. I'm natually submissive. Ever since puberty my sexual fantasies have always evolved around BDSM. All the erotica and porn that I read and wrote evolved around BDSM. That's just the way I am.

I didn't experience abuse until I was in my late 20s and into my late 30s when I was married to my first husband. It was a vanilla marriage (even though I was kinky, I kept those thoughts to myself). I experienced verbal, mental, emotional and physical abuse at his hands. At the end I was literally running for my life because he tried to murder me.

Those experiences badly affected my relationships with me afterwards. I had gone back to college at the age of 35. I went to a huge university, so I was surrounded by thousands of men on campus every day. However, I wanted nothing to do with any of them. I had built a wall around myself, my heart and my emotions. And I certainly didn't want a BDSM relationship with anyone. It took a couple of years but I was able to meet my Master online and He very gradually began to break down that wall around me. W/we have now been physically together for 8 1/2 years. It's been 12 years since my divorce, but I still suffer from PTSD from my earlier abuse. I still have nightmares about my ex. I still wake up in the middle of the night and make sure that it's Master and not my ex beside me in the bed.

I don't believe the abuse I suffered made me more submissive to Master. In a way it made me stronger. And it made me more appreciative of the really good men who are out there. Because of the abuse I refuse to let another man other than Master touch me. In my fantasies I love being shared with others. I love being used by several other men at once. In reality, I know that will never happen. But Master and I are both fine with that, because He would never share me anyway.