Quote Originally Posted by mastersgem View Post

All of that said, I've often wondered what part that plays in my likes within BDSM - I am a masochist (the daily beatings?), I do like humiliation (the emotional??), I have rape fantasies and of force (the rapes?) - there are similarities for sure. I still have no idea what they have to do with each other but they must cross lines for sure.


*sorry if this is tmi* :P


these things are true for me as well, all within a fantasy setting....and i think that's a clue...when fantasizing about those things, WE are in ultimate control...you're raped, yes, but the knife he holds to your throat to threaten you does not cut....

you are beaten, but under your own conditions...not on your back, over and over...but everywhere, and the strikes used, hit the places that feed your masochistic soul...

i've always considered it a form of mental healing, to fantasize this way...i've even been able to bend my own reality a bit, my memories of "how it really was" with my ex-husband...and it helps me to heal...

he was a egomanical sadist, in the truest sense, and the damage he caused will be with me until (and even beyond) death. But i survived, many that i knew didn't...and i know i'm stronger for it...

some damage remains...one of my strongest urges is "fight or flight"...and i won't fight, not even to defend myself...i've logged out of Yahoo on my poor Master more than once, thinking that something i've done isn't worthy of His attention, or just because i get scared and confused...but He has the patience of a saint, and sits there calmly until i calm down and log back in...smiles...and He's always there...makes me talk about it, face it, and stare it down....

do i think my abuse affects my BDSM life? absolutely...my desire to please stems from my fear of being abused more, for the most part...give him what he wants, and more, and maybe the belt stays in his beltloops tonight...it's a survival tool...

and Hugggggggggs to you gem, it was NOT tmi...