How has abuse affected your life in BDSM?

[thrall]

Ive thought about this question for a while now, thinking about an answer. Not an easy answer.

My past has forged who I am now. There is no question in my mind about that.

Thrall lives and breathes submission. She follows and listens. Thrall feels and is vulnerable.

The public face of Thrall is who protects her. The public face is strength, power and control.

The problem for me, is letting anyone past that protection to allow them to see …..who I am……who I truly am. Allowing anyone to see……..thrall. My past has clothed me in a suit of armor that lives within heavy battlements…….its the getting though the gates that is the challenge….

[gemmy]

Ive thought about this question for a while now, thinking about an answer. Not an easy answer.

My past has forged who I am now. There is no question in my mind about that.

Thrall lives and breathes submission. She follows and listens. Thrall feels and is vulnerable.

The public face of Thrall is who protects her. The public face is strength, power and control.

The problem for me, is letting anyone past that protection to allow them to see …..who I am……who I truly am. Allowing anyone to see……..thrall. My past has clothed me in a suit of armor that lives within heavy battlements…….its the getting though the gates that is the challenge….

That's exactly it Thrall - The person who came to the forefront to protect a 5yr old child as she was being beaten was this strong, confident person who has now turned into the adult that is me today. How she could have been there to protect me back then I'll never know. I do know that I (my protector) reacted and responded to my stepmonster even though I (the 5yr old) had blacked out.

The black outs happened a lot but yet when I would come to, here and there, she would still be wailing on me and screaming at me for being so defiant and how dare I talk back (I had and sometimes still don't have any memory of talking back). Those are the repressed memories that still come to haunt my nightmares looking for release.

Now, it is such that the woman still fiercely protects that little gurl but it's the little gurl who wants to come out to play and have fun again. The woman just has not found a man strong enough or responsible enough to handle them both with patience and care or maybe the protection is just too thick to penetrate, I don't know.

I do however believe that there is someone out there with enough insight and love to get past all that Well, at least one can hope hehe