Polyamorous or just not sure?

[jeanne]

I've reread this whole thread...again...

Just because they agree to it (thinking all the while, he'll pick me in the end) doesn't mean they like it either.

This struck a chord with me. To go into a relationship with one who is a self-proclaimed poly person with an eye towards "he'll pick me in the end" is just setting oneself up for failure. You turn a relationship into a test. It is a really icky way to go about conducting a relationship - having a hidden agenda.

I think whether you feel positively towards the idea of Polyamory in your own life, or not, is just fine. It's unfortunate that some people feel the need to criticize others' lifestyles, though, and apply their personal morality to others.

It's precisely that type of thinking, that disapproving of others' mutually-consenting sexuality, that leads bdsm people to need to be anonymous on forums like this. And yet even some of us are doing it! Makes me very sad.

Yes. This is definitely something that makes me sad too. We are all, by the nature of our BDSM needs, considered abnormal by 'society'. And supporting each other in our own personal choices is something I think we owe each other. And no, that does not mean that if Joe Blow states his desire to 'do' 12-year-old girls that we must support it. There is a line between personal choice and doing harm to others, particularly those who do not have the ability to consent, whether because of age or mental maturity and intelligence. But for consenting, thinking adults...yes. It truly is their business to decide how they want to live and also their business to determine how to get their needs met without harming others.

I had a lot typed out on this, but nah. I'll just say this-

If polyamory is the thing for you, then do it. Know yourself well enough to understand what it is you desire in a relationship, find a like-minded soul (or souls in this case) and do it all over the place. Live your life and be happy in it.

Just don't expect and/or demand that others be happy with you in the living of it. "Live and let live", while a grand idea, just isn't realistic. And unless you live totally isolated from public view and opinion, what you should expect are judgements, differing opinions and disapproval. That's what people do when they don't understand something. And forget trying to "make them understand" any of it. They don't want to.

That's life. Have fun with it.

That's very true. Understanding is a bit much to ask, when we choose such different paths. It would be nice though if there were a little more acceptance.

As for me, my pre-existing Relationship(s) take precedence, and do set the standard for what I may or may not have to offer the next person. But that is me.

Yes. I do find that this is a truth for me.

I need and want to be special to my Dominant,

Yes. I think we all have a very human need to feel special, in a 'romantic' way, to someone. And that need almost seems, from my own experience anyway, to be magnified for submissives. I'm working my way around to separating that need from emotions like jealousy and envy and insecurity and fear.

Today a wife has to be a good mother, a good spouse, good at her job, social, take care of herself and be pretty, have food ready for the family and so on and so forth and all that with a smile on her face.

Not to mention that in a monogamous relationship you have to be their lover, mother, nurse, friend, team mate, therapist, coach. In short when your only two you do lean VERY hard on the other person.

God, yes. I did it for almost 24 years...and I'm worn out. I don't WANT to be anyone's 'everything' ever again. And I have no intention of putting another person in that position for me. For two reasons: a) because of what I just said - it wears them out and b) because I don't think any one person can meet all my needs anyway. Why set them and myself up for failure like that? Especially if I claim to love them?

This does not work for everyone, but for those that it does...

Exactly. My hope is that it will work for me, because I think it is the happiest way for me to live.

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A good friend has loaned me a book - "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino. It has a lot of information and definitions of terms and first-person narratives and hands-on advice for how to talk about poly and work out agreements and deal with emotions. I'm finding it very useful and recommend it highly for any who are interested in exploring this lifestyle in an emotionally honest way.