Quote Originally Posted by lucy View Post
Yes, that's what i'm a bit afraid of and why think i'm not up for the answer yet.
Lucy, I really understand this and I'm not pushing anyone. For me, I think that not confronting certain experiences in my past gave them more power over me, rather than giving me power over them. I knew they were there, it wasn't a repressed memory or anything, but I kept them locked up and tried to keep them from influencing me by simple will. I don't think it worked. It was very hard for me to articulate what happened to anyone else because I felt like the words would almost explode as I said them. But they didn't explode and neither did I, and it was easier and not harder to say those words to myself the next time. In fact, the experiences turned out to have been pretty terrifying at the time but, in retrospect, sad but not tragic, and somewhat understandable in context. And I feel that I am better able to situate them in the context of my life and myself.

This might be true generally of facing our past and how it influences us. In terms of bdsm, I felt like a total freak for years for even having these desires at all, and thinking that they might be rooted in something in my deep dark past just made me feel freaky AND like one sick puppy. For myself, I will say that I have been so pleasantly surprised to find that acknowledging my desires, and facing where they come from, has lifted some of that weight and has enabled me to feel more accepting of my own past and present.

It has also, by the way, allowed me to fly like an arrow shot from a bow to the heart of what I have been looking for.

I only put this here as my own experience. I'm not necessarily suggesting it for other people.