i have been wondering this (why do you seek submission) for years.

Not what i enjoy about submitting, but why i need to, why it is such an integral part of me.

For a long time i decided that it was merely sexual - and when i got married to someone with no interest in dominance and submission, rationalised it by seeing it as just a sex act that could easily be given up for the sake of love and the relationship, just as many people give up a sexual act they enjoy if their partner doesn't.

But i have realised that it goes way deeper than that for me and i always wonder why.

Is it something we are born with, like the gender we are attracted to? Or have my life experiences made me need this?

i do know that when i look back i had urges to please and be controlled and led much earlier than i understood a sexual context to put it in (from about 8 i think).

i obsessed on it towards the end of my marriage - it wasn't why we separated but there was always a guilty voice at the back of my mind, saying that if the relationship was failing anyway, at least i would eventually be free to be entirely me. And i felt so terrible about it cause i really wanted my marriage and family to endure.

But i have finally accepted that it is a part of me that's not going away and not going to be confined to just one area of my life.

Still, i would love to know why. But i don't think i ever will, it comes back to asking "why am i me?" and i don't think anyone can give a simple answer to that.

Sorry about the rambling, these are hard sentiments to think about, let alone put into words.