Does it Bother You If..

[leah06]

This is going to sound very naive, and when I post these questions I often find that they come back to bite me a few weeks or months later, but I was talking to a guy about this just the other day. He was telling me that if a relationship is strong and both people agree, then playing on the side is OK. And some people are saying that here too - it's OK if it's vanilla and not D/s, or it's OK if it's "playing". And I'm not judging, but I have a question about it. This implies that you know that your relationship is deep and real and meaningful and that whatever happens outside it is, by comparison, trivial. But doesn't that mean, by definition, that whoever takes an outside partner is sort of using him or her? They have the deep real meaningful relationship at home, but they're engaging in a sort of weak imitation of it outside. If that's so, it can't be to get the deep real stuff, since they have that, so it's to get, what - gratification? Physical gratification; but worse, some other kind of emotional gratification that they're getting with someone who's not important to them.

This might sound hypocritical, since I was happy to play with someone just recently who I had no intention of forming a relationship with, but in that case I thought we were both unattached. For some reason it feels different to me if both people are on the same footing, so to speak. I don't know - then maybe it would be OK if BOTH people were in primary relationships and just fooling around? There's just something about it I don't like.

The short answer for me is, no, I'm a monogamy gal. And it would make me jealous, as people have said. But it would also make me question my partner's ethics, sort of, and question his feelings for me. If he can use someone else, what protects me from being used also?

On the other hand, I will say that I've sometimes felt that if my husband magically came back to life it would be such a pleasure to share with him some of the things I've learned about myself, and some of the fun activities I've engaged in, but there would have been no way within that relationship to explore and discover these things. Our sex life was fun, but it did get into kind of a rut, and bringing this information home would certainly have changed that. But it's how you get the information - if I'd gone outside the marriage, for sex or play or domination or anything - it would have destroyed both of us.

[SubmissiveDoll]

The short answer for me is, no, I'm a monogamy gal. And it would make me jealous, as people have said. But it would also make me question my partner's ethics, sort of, and question his feelings for me. If he can use someone else, what protects me from being used also?

This is how I feel as well. I'm sure there are many people who can have a happy relationship with outside play. I'm just not one of them. If my Master wanted to play with someone else just for fun, he wouldn't be the master for me.

[icey]

This implies that you know that your relationship is deep and real and meaningful and that whatever happens outside it is, by comparison, trivial. But doesn't that mean, by definition, that whoever takes an outside partner is sort of using him or her? They have the deep real meaningful relationship at home, but they're engaging in a sort of weak imitation of it outside. If that's so, it can't be to get the deep real stuff, since they have that, so it's to get, what - gratification? Physical gratification; but worse, some other kind of emotional gratification that they're getting with someone who's not important to them..

regardless of whether you're in another relationship or not you could argue that playing with someone without the intention ''deep real stuff'' is trivial. playing/sex doesnt have to be about emotional stuff..it can be simply for fun too
providing everyones honest and know where they stand then all involved are happy and i cant see why it could be thought of as using someone.

I was happy to play with someone just recently who I had no intention of forming a relationship with, .

so arnt the two the same?

[leah06]

so arnt the two the same?

To me they're not the same. When I was playing, I thought we were both unattached; in fact, I found out afterward that he's in a long-distance thing. If I'd known that, I wouldn't have played with him. Partly, I don't like to be second to anyone, and partly, I just respect relationships, mine and other people's. But yes, I am willing to be casual sometimes - when I don't have something serious going on.

I want to say that I'm not speaking about all "polyamory" situations that have been discussed on this site. Polyamory is not for me, but I can sort of understand that people might love many partners in different but equal ways just as we all love our children in different ways. I couldn't do it, but I can respect it. I was specifically responding to the suggestions on this thread that it's OK for a partner to look outside the relationship just so long as the other interaction is less meaningful than what occurs in the primary relationship.

To me, specifically finding someone in order to have LESS than what you have at home is using the other person. But if you don't have something meaningful at home, then you can both agree that playing might be less than what you're looking for, but more than you actually have.

Anyway, that's how it feels to me now. I'm about as steadfast as Jello right now, though, so probably in a few weeks I'll be posting about my vanilla lover, two Doms, and a switch. And a partridge in a pear tree.

[thir]

To me, specifically finding someone in order to have LESS than what you have at home is using the other person.

How about something 'different from', rather than 'less than?'
Would that feel fair, or would it feel threatening?

[leo9]

Anyway, that's how it feels to me now. I'm about as steadfast as Jello right now, though, so probably in a few weeks I'll be posting about my vanilla lover, two Doms, and a switch. And a partridge in a pear tree.

Funny you should say that, I was just wondering... how about the flip situation? I used to know a lady who was very happy wearing, if I recall aright, three collars: all her Masters knew about each other and were comfortable about sharing her. How would anyone here feel about that? (Apart from "lucky girl!")

[sinderella]

the collar is such a powerful symbol of ownership, and it takes a lot of work (and time) on the part of the sub and the Master to get it...it means they are one...how can a sub be one with three different Masters? i just don't see the collar as something you put on and take off like lingerie...

[thir]

the collar is such a powerful symbol of ownership, and it takes a lot of work (and time) on the part of the sub and the Master to get it...it means they are one...how can a sub be one with three different Masters? i just don't see the collar as something you put on and take off like lingerie...

I think it sounds simply wonderful!

Yes, a collar is a powerful symbol of ownership, but that does not mean that you cannot be owned by several Dom/mes.

Picture a family with one slave and two Masters, both training the slave, and a collar with two names on it..

It is a poly situation, yes, and that is why it does not mean that the symbol of ownership is "watered down". Just as you can love more than one deeply and sincerely, you can be owned by more than one also sincerely.

It is much more rare with men as Doms as far as I know, but it does exist.

Oh what a thought!

[sinderella]

I think it sounds simply wonderful!

Yes, a collar is a powerful symbol of ownership, but that does not mean that you cannot be owned by several Dom/mes.

Picture a family with one slave and two Masters, both training the slave, and a collar with two names on it..

It is a poly situation, yes, and that is why it does not mean that the symbol of ownership is "watered down". Just as you can love more than one deeply and sincerely, you can be owned by more than one also sincerely.

It is much more rare with men as Doms as far as I know, but it does exist.

Oh what a thought!

interesting. there are many ways to love a Master (or Masters), and it boils down to each person, each couple, their sensibiities, and all. i admire people who have the fortitude...i guess i am too sensitive and romantic. thank you for your thoughts - i mean this in all sincerity. i luv discovering so many different points of view. my eyes are opening, no doubt.

[jeanne]

I used to know a lady who was very happy wearing, if I recall aright, three collars: all her Masters knew about each other and were comfortable about sharing her. How would anyone here feel about that? (Apart from "lucky girl!")

I must admit...'lucky girl' was the first thought that crossed my greedy little mind.

But, I do believe a collar is a big deal, and I only want one from one person. He knows who He is. That being said, we have other(s). I'm currently exploring my greedy side and finding my place in my local community...and hopefully that will be with a Dom or two that I have a relationship with that is more than just 'play'. I need to submit on a regular basis, not 'get beat' on a regular basis. I won't be accepting a collar from anyone else, and anyone I have a relationship with will know that I belong to Him.