Just my two cents...

First off, I think you need to seperate out the issues. This is often the case in 24/7 relationships: vanilla problems bleed into D/s, D/s bleeds into vanilla. That's great & fun when things are going well, but not so much when things aren't going as well. It basically sounds like what happened that night is a confluence of crummy events-- a lot of miscommunications, non-communication, and hurt feelings. Now, every couples deal with this in different ways, so far be it for anyone on this Forum to tell you both how to deal with this situation in your life in your specific circumstances.

However... since you posted here on the Forums asking for opinions, I'll give you mine--but I would caution you against taking ANYONE's opinion terribly seriously. After all, we aren't there in your situation. We don't know your history--what's worked in the past, what your negotiated limits & rules are, what your day to day life is usually like, or how problems are normally handled.

That being said... I prefer the "punishment fit the crime" approach---if it's a D/s infraction, it gets a D/s punishment. If it's a vanilla problem, we fix it in a vanilla manner. Why? Because it keeps things "clean"-- it allows us to appreciate both sides of our life, and also allows us to have some sembelence of day to day order in our life. Again, a lot of people would disagree with this--they would say that in a 24/7 M/s or D/s you should use D/s punishment for everything. Well, ok, that's one way to look at it. But from my angle, I think that over-uses D/s punishment. It also turns everything into a power struggle, and it "nickel & dimes" everything. We are in a relationship, not in a tally of numbers. We prefer to have some ebb & flow in our day to day lives, and to allow vanilla things to fix themselves in vanilla ways rather than to assign D/s punishment to them. Additionally, how do you assign a D/s punishment to a vanilla incident? It is very hard to compute a "tit for tat" system. But, again, it's up to the couple.

In your particular incident, had that situation of been transplanted into my life, I have to be honest... I doubt I would have gone to bed w/the sweats on... we would have talked it out that night. But that's the way we are--we ALWAYS talk things out at night, no matter how uncomfortable the situation might be, because we don't want to re-tread the same ground the next day--we want to wake up with a clean slate. So, I might suggest you might try something like that--simply talking it out, in a respectful, but vanilla talking situation (i.e. no D/s roles) really helps. Remove the power-play, and as 2 adults, talk through the problems.

Now, given that the incident did happen... Well, yeah, you defied him, but it wasn't so much the act itself that I think is important... it was the underlying cause that needs to be addressed: WHY did you defy him? Because if you don't talk through that, and you don't work through that, you will have another repeat of this again. You guys need to work through this.

I don't think the situation is different, really, for couples with or without kids. There HAS to be some vanilla time in a 24/7 relationship, and you have to learn how to juggle the balance of wanting to have a constant D/s level in the background of your life, and learning when it's time to set it aside & be 2 adults, or, in your case, 2 parents. Sometimes I am of the notion that both parties take advantage of their D/s role to 'scape out of vanilla issues. Don't be that couple--face the issues you have, and then your D/s side will be so much more fulfilled.

The angrier you allow yourselves to be without communicating with eachother in a productive, useful, (and soon!) manner, the more harm will be done to the relationship for the long term. Communication is 99% of the problem in most relationships & seems to be something that you guys could use a little work on... However, that being said...

... it's all just my 2 cents.