Mishka's Second Assignment

[Mishka]

Good Intentions

June lugged the 5 bags of groceries up the steps to their apartment and managed to only drop the chips and trip over one step on her way up. With the top of the chips bag now locked securely between her teeth, the rest of the load and her keys ready and her purse about to choke her, she jangled and struggled into the apartment and plopped everything onto the floor. There now, don’t have to make a second trip, she thought.
She played over the IM she had with Joseph that morning while she quickly stored the groceries. Well, more quickly than usual.

Her: how is Your writing coming?
Joseph:
this story is driving me crazy
Her: why?
too many subjects You think?
Joseph: nah
not enough words

With all the cold things in the refrigerator she worked on the non-perishables. The apartment was still relatively new so things were put away with no real rhyme or reason.

Her: adjectives adjectives adjectives
pad it like Tolkien
Joseph:
no
1450 words to write the story
not enough
Her: exactly. flesh out the descriptions.
Joseph: still missing the pint
I need 4000 words to tell the story
have 1450
Her: yes. i understood.
4000 words is a lot.
more detail will help pad it

Where the hell did she just put the dessert? She bought a fresh cheesecake, now where did she put it? Oh. She sees it in the pantry next to the paper towels. She rolled her eyes and clanking about for the pots and pans she got ready for a special spaghetti dinner.

Joseph:
I know
Listen
lol
I have to write this story using exactly 1450 words
Her: you just said 4000
lol
i'm not on the ball today, am i?
sorry

June smiles at her mistake. She makes a mental note to herself to not forget the garlic bread in the oven tonight, so it doesn’t burn like last time.

Her: OH! now i get it!!!
i had to reread it.
Joseph:
Lack of sleep
Her:love me anyway, please.
my intentions are good
have You written far beyond 1450 already?
Joseph:
got to 3500 in the first draft
Her:
oh my
fewer details fewer details
Joseph:
I know
but you kept saying more
Her: because i thought the goal was 4000
and You ONLY had 1450
silly kitten...so easily confused
Joseph:
yes
lovable though
Just remeber, I felt like pounding my head agaist the wall
Her:
when done i can kiss it and make it all better
Joseph: ty

With the water starting to boil and the beef simmering she took a few minutes to set the table. With her grandmother’s embroidered tablecloth and the candlesticks they were given as a housewarming present, the mood was set for a quiet dinner. Usually she threw food on paper plates and carried them to the table. This time she set out the nice dishes as a final flourish.

Shit! Hearing the water boiling over she ran back to the kitchen to lower the temperature, mop things up a bit and pour in the noodles. The beef wasn’t crusty, that was a good thing. The sauce was warming nicely, too.

She tempted fate and ran excitedly on her toes to the bedroom. She had to hurry. She looked like crap but she could be cleaned up in a jiffy. Slipping into a soft, white slip of a nighty and brushing out her long hair, all that was left was to straighten the bed and rescue dinner.

Just in time for him to walk through the door she had managed to arrange everything prettily on the table. He kept smiling at her through dinner. He had always liked her spaghetti. She had a feeling it was the silky nighty she wore that complimented her pale skin and ample cleavage. She noticed him stifling a laugh at her and her glow of female wiles faded. A long drip of sauce was working its way down the front of her slip.

Leaving the mess on the table, instead of giving the extra touch of cleaning before him like a good little servant, she went to the kitchen sink to rub the stain out. When he came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders she breathed a sigh of relief. Dinner was not a bust. She could sense he was still pleased at the attempt for a surprise romantic dinner.

Turning around she thought she could make up for her clumsiness with her next act of service. He kissed her gently on the lips. She caught his eyes, and without leaving their gaze her hands blindly and efficiently undid his belt, button and zipper of his trousers. He smiled. Her eyes fluttered and she slid her back down the cupboard and kneeled on the linoleum.

Rubbing his bottom and thighs with her hands, and stroking over his groin she looked up until he was firm. She released him from his boxers and took a quick suck of the tip of his penis. This beats cheesecake, she thought. Her hands still massaged his hips and bottom while her tongue traced up from the base of his cock to round his tip, her lips took a little suck on the tip again and repeated the pattern. Little kisses and sucks took a turn up his penis and hearing his moan she teased no longer. She pulled him into her mouth and held him tightly in, her lips stretched around his base sucking and pulling at him.

She felt a pull on the back of her head and was happy he had decided to caress and pull at her hair. She loved that. She worked her mouth on him harder and faster. She adjusted on her knees so he could grab her entire mane of hair if he wanted to when she felt a yank. Not like he yanks but a sharp, tangled yank and her balance faltered. She tried to stead herself, but sadly, with a mouth full of cock her teeth scraped against him when she fell sideways.

Apparently her hair had not tangled in his hands as thought, but in the handle on the kitchen drawer. The romantic evening came to an end. Her Master went to bed a little early that night and the only up side was she didn’t break any dishes while cleaning up.

In the morning, a note was left by the bed. “Kitten, tonight we will pick up where we left off, but I think it will go much more smoothly if I strapped you down and you couldn’t move or touch anything. Perhaps it will end more like you had planned.”

[Mishka]

First, let me say that yes, that was a real conversation between Rhabbi and myself in IM, and he really did feel like banging his head against a wall.

Secondly, I want my grammar check back! The cheat is that Microsoft Word leaves little red and green squiggles under some things so I couldn't help but go back and attempt to fix them.

I tried to remember tenses, not switching from present to past. I was trying very hard to describe the actions clearly that once again I don't think I took the extra mile to describe the setting so well.

Let me have it. I want to see if I've learned anything from the last story.

[Aussiegirl1]

Mishka,

I will come back soon and give you a proper review, but I just wanted to say well done.

AG

[tessa]

Secondly, I want my grammar check back!

~laughs~ I know that exclamation point!!!!!! hehe

~grabs my grammar check and holds it tight~ Wouldn't want to do without this.

Way to go, Mishka-licious!

~hugs~
tessa

[Rhabbi]

kitten,

I loved the story, and thank you for the surprise. I could see all this happening, and laughed quite a bit. There are some grammer mistakes and some spelling, but I will leave you to the tender mercies of aussiegirl for those. I do have one grumop though, when you quoted our IM, couldn't you at least have fixed my typos? If there was a spell check in YIM I would never actually say anything.

PS:
I would have taken you right there in the kitchen, after we stopped laughing about your hair getting caught in the drawer handle. Then I would have set aside some time to replace all the handles there so that would not happen again.

[Beswitchingly Positive]

Mishka,

This is a very nice piece. I liked the natural flow of it and all the little details, including the conversation about little details. I like the anxious energy and I can see why he might have made her wait. She was too jittery, no?

I like that she is so awkward, like real people often are. Nicley done.

So, no spellcheck and grammer help sucks, eh? We get it, we are babied and a little crippled by our technology! (bending down to kiss my keyboard).

I like the save at the end. At least he didn't leave her totally hangin.

I wonder how many mistakes you made? After reading so much of Mad Lews's stories, I have learned to ignore spelling errors and such and just appreciate a good story. Your errors, I wasn't lookin for 'em and didn't really notice them.

I think Rhabbi's ending is nicer and perhaps more likely, and leaves room for a steamier ending. Your's gives a chance to write another steamier scene, both are good options.

Maybe the teachers here could let ya'll morph into one; a transformer writing team of sorts...

Nicely done Mishka.

Beswitchingly

[Mad Lews]

Cute, sweet, and so very human. The realism is palpable, the experience so spot on everyone can relate. I do have two quibbles though.

I've never really understood the use of the word kneeled, I just can't wrap my tongue around it. I see it used all the time but I always felt it should be knelt.

The other one is What kind of an asshole would restrict a story to 1450 words?
Come on get real, why 1450? Why not 1,500 or 2,000 or even a thousand? Just seems a little ridiculous IMHO.

Other than that bit the whole thing was a classy vignette even without a spelling and grammar check.

Mad Lews

[Mishka]

Thanks everyone for the positive feedback.

Rhabbi ~ who checks spelling in IM? Only gross mistakes are fixed.

knelt knelt knelt knelt knelt knelt knelt knelt knelt ~ I'll get it eventually Mad Lews

Y'all have no idea how realistic this story is. June is practically autobiographical. And yes, i like Rhabbi's ending better, too. Especially the handyman part. I'm usually the one to do that stuff around the house.

[Aussiegirl1]

Well done Mishka,

I really love the feel of this story. It is sexy and funny at the same time! Yes you had a few spelling and grammar errors, but not so many that it distracted from the meaning. You did well with your tenses and despite not liking not being able to use the spelling and grammar check, I think you did a great job.

I have shown the changes that need to be made below, but didn't worry with correcting the lack of capitals in the IM sections, as that is not how you type in IM. I loved that you included those bits, BTW, as it gave the story even more depth.

Thank you for the effort and thought you put into this piece. You can now reclaim your spelling and grammar check and write me another great piece of writing! Have fun and I look forward to reading your next story.

Good Intentions

June lugged the 5 bags of groceries up the steps to their apartment and managed to only drop the chips and trip over one step on her way up. With the top of the chips (chip's)bag now locked securely between her teeth, the rest of the load and her keys ready and her purse about to choke her, she jangled and struggled into the apartment and plopped everything onto the floor. There now, don’t have to make a second trip, she thought.
She played over the IM she had with Joseph that morning while she quickly stored the groceries. Well, more quickly than usual.

Her: how is Your writing coming?
Joseph:
this story is driving me crazy
Her: why?
too many subjects You think?
Joseph: nah
not enough words

With all the cold things in the refrigerator she worked on the non-perishables. The apartment was still relatively new so things were put away with no real rhyme or reason.

Her: adjectives ,adjectives, adjectives
pad it like Tolkien
Joseph:
no
1450 words to write the story
not enough
Her: exactly. flesh out the descriptions.
Joseph: still missing the pint point
I need 4000 words to tell the story
have 1450
Her: yes. i understood. understand
4000 words is a lot.
more detail will help pad it

Where the hell did she just put the dessert? She bought a fresh cheesecake, now where did she put it? Oh. She sees it in the pantry next to the paper towels. She rolled her eyes and clanking about for the pots and pans she got ready for a special spaghetti dinner.

Joseph:
I know
Listen
lol
I have to write this story using exactly 1450 words
Her: you just said 4000
lol
i'm not on the ball today, am i?
sorry

June smiles at her mistake. She makes a mental note to herself to not forget the garlic bread in the oven tonight, so it doesn’t burn like last time.

Her: OH! now i get it!!!
i had to reread it.
Joseph:
Lack of sleep
Her:love me anyway, please.
my intentions are good
have You written far beyond 1450 already?
Joseph:
got to 3500 in the first draft
Her:
oh my
fewer details fewer details
Joseph:
I know
but you kept saying more
Her: because i thought the goal was 4000
and You ONLY had 1450
silly kitten...so easily confused
Joseph:
yes
lovable though
Just remeber remember, I felt like pounding my head agaist against the wall
Her:
when done i can kiss it and make it all better
Joseph: ty

With the water starting to boil and the beef simmering she took a few minutes to set the table. With her grandmother’s embroidered tablecloth and the candlesticks they were given as a housewarming present, the mood was set for a quiet dinner. Usually she threw food on paper plates and carried them to the table. This time she set out the nice dishes as a final flourish.

Shit! Hearing the water boiling over she ran back to the kitchen to lower the temperature, mop things up a bit and pour in the noodles. The beef wasn’t crusty, that was a good thing. The sauce was warming nicely, too.

She tempted fate and ran excitedly on her toes to the bedroom. She had to hurry. She looked like crap but she could be cleaned up in a jiffy. Slipping into a soft, white slip of a nighty (nightie) and brushing out her long hair, all that was left was to straighten the bed and rescue dinner.

Just in time for him to walk through the door she had managed to arrange everything prettily on the table. ( This sentence would work better the other way around - She arranged everything prettily on the table, just in time for it to be ready as he walked through the door.)He kept smiling at her through dinner. He had always liked her spaghetti. She had a feeling it was the silky nighty nightie she wore that complimented her pale skin and ample cleavage. She noticed him stifling a laugh at her and her glow of female wiles faded. A long drip of sauce was working its way down the front of her slip.( I would end this sentence with an exclamation mark, but it is not an error, just my preference.

Leaving the mess on the table, instead of giving the extra touch of cleaning before him like a good little servant, she went to the kitchen sink to rub the stain out. When he came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders ( You need a comma here)she breathed a sigh of relief. Dinner was not a bust. She could sense he was still pleased at the attempt for a surprise romantic dinner.

Turning around she thought she could make up for her clumsiness with her next act of service. He kissed her gently on the lips. She caught his eyes, and without leaving their gaze her hands blindly and efficiently undid his belt, button and zipper of his trousers. He smiled. Her eyes fluttered and she slid her back down the cupboard and kneeled on the linoleum.

Rubbing his bottom and thighs with her hands, and stroking over his groin she looked up until he was firm. She released him from his boxers and took a quick suck of the tip of his penis. This beats cheesecake, she thought. Her hands still massaged his hips and bottom while her tongue traced up from the base of his cock to round his tip, her lips took a little suck on the tip again and repeated the pattern. Little kisses and sucks took a turn up his penis and hearing his moan she teased no longer. She pulled him into her mouth and held him tightly in, her lips stretched around his base sucking and pulling at him.

She felt a pull on the back of her head and was happy he had decided to caress and pull at her hair. She loved that. She worked her mouth on him harder and faster. She adjusted on her knees so he could grab her entire mane of hair if he wanted to when she felt a yank. Not like he yanks but a sharp, tangled yank and her balance faltered. I am not sure if you missed a word in this sentence or not, but it doesn't make sense, though I do know what you were trying to say.She tried to stead herself, but sadly, with a mouth full of cock her teeth scraped against him when she fell sideways.

Apparently her hair had not tangled in his hands as thought, but in the handle on the kitchen drawer. The romantic evening came to an end. Her Master went to bed a little early that night and the only up side was she didn’t break any dishes while cleaning up.

In the morning, a note was left by the bed. “Kitten, tonight we will pick up where we left off, but I think it will go much more smoothly if I strapped you down and you couldn’t move or touch anything. Perhaps it will end more like you had planned.”
__________________

[tessa]

~rushes in to hijack the thread...waves at everyone then grabs Aussiegirl and Mishka in a big hug and spins all around until we're dizzy and giggly...let's them tumble onto the floor in an adorable mess of female parts...turning, I spy my prey and slink over...Mad is totally unaware of my stalking as he's engrossed in the critique he's working on (Lews notices, but isn't gonna say a thing because I promised him two flashes if he kept quiet)...I get close enough to spring onto Mad's back and wiggle all over him in a reverse body to body hug...jumping off before he collects his wits enough to retrieve his paddle, I rush out the door, giggling wickedly as I go~

[Rhabbi]

~rushes in to hijack the thread...waves at everyone then grabs Aussiegirl and Mishka in a big hug and spins all around until we're dizzy and giggly...let's them tumble onto the floor in an adorable mess of female parts...turning, I spy my prey and slink over...Mad is totally unaware of my stalking as he's engrossed in the critique he's working on (Lews notices, but isn't gonna say a thing because I promised him two flashes if he kept quiet)...I get close enough to spring onto Mad's back and wiggle all over him in a reverse body to body hug...jumping off before he collects his wits enough to retrieve his paddle, I rush out the door, giggling wickedly as I go~

That's it, you ares stealing all the good threads. Who do I complain to? Mishka is my slave and I cannot let you hijack her thread without some type of compensation.

[anonymouse]

With the top of the chips (chip's)bag now locked securely between her teeth...

I think that 'chips' is correct in this context. It's one of those words like 'pants' -- a bag of chips; a pair of pants.

Sorry for the short reply. I'm off to the dentist. Wish me luck...

[Aussiegirl1]

I think that 'chips' is correct in this context. It's one of those words like 'pants' -- a bag of chips; a pair of pants.

Sorry for the short reply. I'm off to the dentist. Wish me luck...

I have to say I wasn't too sure on this myself. I meant to put a ? after the word. Appreciate your input anonymouse.

[anonymouse]

I hesitated before posting, AG, 'cause I didn't feel inclined to correcting you. The apostrophe is always a slippery thing so, I hope my comment is open to debate

anonymouse

PS: I had to visit a dentist today so, my opinions may be skewed

[Rhabbi]

I think that 'chips' is correct in this context. It's one of those words like 'pants' -- a bag of chips; a pair of pants.

Sorry for the short reply. I'm off to the dentist. Wish me luck...

I have to say I wasn't too sure on this myself. I meant to put a ? after the word. Appreciate your input anonymouse.

I hesitated before posting, AG, 'cause I didn't feel inclined to correcting you. The apostrophe is always a slippery thing so, I hope my comment is open to debate

anonymouse

PS: I had to visit a dentist today so, my opinions may be skewed

Thinking about this, I would use bag of chips to eliminate any ambiguity about the apostrophe.

[anonymouse]

Very nicely done, Mishka! I agree with the others who have said your story is wonderfully real. Ordinarily I don't enjoy reading (or writing) chat-style dialog, but you've balanced this well within the framework of the narrative to reflect the parallel universe setting we're all so familiar with.

The only thing that I think you need to really work on is tenses. Be vigilent particularly for sentences that begin with present continuous tense verbs (I've highlighted them below). Whenever you find yourself using them, stop and see whether the sentence structure could be reorganized to eliminate them. You don't necessarily need to do this during your first draft, but it should be a priority for revisions. After a while you'll find yourself naturally avoiding them except for those instances where they're appropriate.

Rhabbi suggested a way to rectify and clarify the 'chips' issue. He's correct though it only needs to be done with the first mention of the chips. Once defined as a 'bag of chips', 'chips bag' makes more sense. (See below)

One other minor thing to watch out for is the use of colloquialisms in narrative, especially when writing in third person perspective. Words such as 'lugged' and 'plopped', for example, aren't strictly wrong but they seem slightly too informal to me. If you write from first person perspective, they create a nice conversational tone but in third person, they don't quite work.

Good Intentions

June lugged the 5 bags of groceries up the steps to their apartment and managed to only drop the chips and trip over one step on her way up. With the top of the chips bag now locked securely between her teeth, the rest of the load and her keys ready and her purse about to choke her, she jangled and struggled into the apartment and plopped everything onto the floor. There now, don’t have to make a second trip, she thought.
She played over the IM she had with Joseph that morning while she quickly stored the groceries. Well, more quickly than usual.

June struggled up the flight of stairs to her apartment. It was difficult for her to see over the five bags of groceries she carried but she was rushed for time and didn't want to make two trips up the stairs. Breathless from the physical exertion, June finally made it to the top step only to trip on it. A bag of chips launched itself from the top of a grocery bag and landed next to her apartment door.

"More haste, less speed," June grumbled to herself. She took the opportunity to set down the groceries and unlock the apartment door. Then, with the grocery bags again securely hugged with her arms and the chips bag clenched in her teeth, June toppled forward into her apartment. The choking grip of her purse strap around her neck immediately loosened when she dropped the bags of groceries on the kitchen floor. She thought back over the IM she had with Joseph that morning while she unpacked her groceries and thrust things more quickly than usual into the nearest empty pantry spaces.

Her: how is Your writing coming?
Joseph:
this story is driving me crazy
Her: why?
too many subjects You think?
Joseph: nah
not enough words

With all the cold things in the refrigerator she worked on the non-perishables. The apartment was still relatively new so things were put away with no real rhyme or reason.

Her: adjectives adjectives adjectives
pad it like Tolkien

(I really liked the line above.)

Joseph:
no
1450 words to write the story
not enough
Her: exactly. flesh out the descriptions.
Joseph: still missing the pint
I need 4000 words to tell the story
have 1450
Her: yes. i understood.
4000 words is a lot.
more detail will help pad it

Where the hell did she just put the dessert? She bought a fresh cheesecake, now where did she put it? Oh. She sees it in the pantry next to the paper towels. She rolled her eyes and clanking about for the pots and pans she got ready for a special spaghetti dinner.

"The dessert!" June thought to herself. She knew she'd bought a fresh cheesecake but couldn't remember unpacking it. After a brief search of the fridge and benches she spotted it in the pantry next to the paper towels and cleaning products. June chuckled and rolled her eyes at herself. She then rummaged for the pots and pans needed for the special spaghetti dinner she planned.

Joseph:
I know
Listen
lol
I have to write this story using exactly 1450 words
Her: you just said 4000
lol
i'm not on the ball today, am i?
sorry

June smiles at her mistake. She makes a mental note to herself to not forget the garlic bread in the oven tonight, so it doesn’t burn like last time.

June smiled at her mistake. She felt distracted by other thoughts such as the garlic bread she intended to heat later in the oven. "Must remember not to burn it like I did last time," June said to herself.

Her: OH! now i get it!!!
i had to reread it.
Joseph:
Lack of sleep
Her:love me anyway, please.
my intentions are good
have You written far beyond 1450 already?
Joseph:
got to 3500 in the first draft
Her:
oh my
fewer details fewer details
Joseph:
I know
but you kept saying more
Her: because i thought the goal was 4000
and You ONLY had 1450
silly kitten...so easily confused
Joseph:
yes
lovable though
Just remeber, I felt like pounding my head agaist the wall
Her:
when done i can kiss it and make it all better
Joseph: ty

With the water starting to boil and the beef simmering she took a few minutes to set the table. With her grandmother’s embroidered tablecloth and the candlesticks they were given as a housewarming present, the mood was set for a quiet dinner. Usually she threw food on paper plates and carried them to the table. This time she set out the nice dishes as a final flourish.

The water had just started to boil and the beef continued to simmer so June took a moment to set the table. Her grandmother's embroidered tablecloth and candlesticks she'd received as a housewarming present completed the mood for a quiet dinner. "No paper plates tonight!" she said as she set the table with Royal Dalton bowls and plates.

Shit! Hearing the water boiling over she ran back to the kitchen to lower the temperature, mop things up a bit and pour in the noodles. The beef wasn’t crusty, that was a good thing. The sauce was warming nicely, too.

The sound of water furiously boiling and then sizzling on a hotplate caught June's attention. "Shit!" she grumbled. June rushed back to the kitchen just in time to pull the pot away from the heat and lower the temperature. She carefully mopped the puddle of scalding water from around the hotplate and then returned the pot. After the noodles were poured in, June checked the neighboring pan of simmering beef. "Not crusty," June noted and sighed relief. A quick inspection of the sauce revealed it also was warming nicely.

She tempted fate and ran excitedly on her toes to the bedroom. She had to hurry. She looked like crap but she could be cleaned up in a jiffy. Slipping into a soft, white slip of a nighty and brushing out her long hair, all that was left was to straighten the bed and rescue dinner.

June knew she couldn't leave the kitchen unattentended again for too long but still she tempted fate and ran excitedly on her toes to the bedroom. A cursory glance in her Cheval mirror confirmed what she felt: she looked like crap. Even so, she knew she could be cleaned up in a jiffy. She slipped into a soft white slip of a nightie and brushed out her long hair. All that remained to do was straighten the bed and rescue dinner.

Just in time for him to walk through the door she had managed to arrange everything prettily on the table. He kept smiling at her through dinner. He had always liked her spaghetti. She had a feeling it was the silky nighty she wore that complimented her pale skin and ample cleavage. She noticed him stifling a laugh at her and her glow of female wiles faded. A long drip of sauce was working its way down the front of her slip.

(AussieGirl has already alerted you to a few suggestions for the above paragraph)

Leaving the mess on the table, instead of giving the extra touch of cleaning before him like a good little servant, she went to the kitchen sink to rub the stain out. When he came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders she breathed a sigh of relief. Dinner was not a bust. She could sense he was still pleased at the attempt for a surprise romantic dinner.

June ignored the mess of sauce on the table despite her 'inner good little servent voice' inside that demanded she take care of this for him before attending her own needs. She rushed to the kitchen sink to clean the stain from her nightie. Shortly after June started to rub at the stain she felt his warm hands on her shoulders and his presence behind her. It was enough to cause a breathed sigh of relief. "Dinner was not a bust," June said to herself and she sensed he was still pleased at her attempts for a surprise romantic dinner.

Turning around she thought she could make up for her clumsiness with her next act of service. He kissed her gently on the lips. She caught his eyes, and without leaving their gaze her hands blindly and efficiently undid his belt, button and zipper of his trousers. He smiled. Her eyes fluttered and she slid her back down the cupboard and kneeled on the linoleum.

When she turned to face him, June felt confident she could make amends for her clumsiness. She fought the reflex to close her eyes when he kissed her gently on the lips in order to catch his eye. Once caught, she held her gaze in her eyes while her hands groped in search of his belt buckle and zipper. Her practiced skills quickly had these undoine and his trousers ready to be pushed down. June smiled inwardly in response to his smile. She fluttered her eyelashes at him then slowly slid down between his legs and the kitchen cupboard pressed against her back to kneel on the linoleum floor.

Rubbing his bottom and thighs with her hands, and stroking over his groin she looked up until he was firm. She released him from his boxers and took a quick suck of the tip of his penis. This beats cheesecake, she thought. Her hands still massaged his hips and bottom while her tongue traced up from the base of his cock to round his tip, her lips took a little suck on the tip again and repeated the pattern. Little kisses and sucks took a turn up his penis and hearing his moan she teased no longer. She pulled him into her mouth and held him tightly in, her lips stretched around his base sucking and pulling at him.

June wrapped her arms around his thighs and caressed his bottom with her hands. Her hands roamed freely from there back over his thighs and around to his groin. She concentrated her efforts there and looked up into his eyes as her hands filled with his firmness. His erection, once released from his boxers, stood rigid from his loins and felt warm in June's hands when she took hold of it.

"This beats cheesecake," she thought to herself after a quick suck of the tip of his penis.

Her hands returned to massage his hips and buttocks while she sucked sensuously. She traced a line with her tongue from the base of his cock to its tip which in turn was savored between her lips. The pattern was then repeated with little kisses of his shaft followed by more enthusiastic sucks of his tip until he moaned. His throaty sounds made June abandon her tease and suck him deeply into her mouth until her lips were tightly clamped arounds its base. She sucked and pulled on him with her lips.

She felt a pull on the back of her head and was happy he had decided to caress and pull at her hair. She loved that. She worked her mouth on him harder and faster. She adjusted on her knees so he could grab her entire mane of hair if he wanted to when she felt a yank. Not like he yanks but a sharp, tangled yank and her balance faltered. She tried to stead herself, but sadly, with a mouth full of cock her teeth scraped against him when she fell sideways.

Apparently her hair had not tangled in his hands as thought, but in the handle on the kitchen drawer. The romantic evening came to an end. Her Master went to bed a little early that night and the only up side was she didn’t break any dishes while cleaning up.

In the morning, a note was left by the bed. “Kitten, tonight we will pick up where we left off, but I think it will go much more smoothly if I strapped you down and you couldn’t move or touch anything. Perhaps it will end more like you had planned.”

Nothing to add to what AussieGirl had to say about the final few paragraphs.

Those are just a few quick ideas for a revision, Mishka. As mentioned at the outset, I really enjoyed your story and while there's a lot of red ink above, they're really just little things to help sharpen your writing.

anonymouse

[Mishka]

I just saw these posts, sorry to not respond earlier. Thank you so much for all the tips. AG and anonymouse you really put a lot of thought and work into those suggestions and I appreciate it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tessa
~rushes in to hijack the thread...waves at everyone then grabs Aussiegirl and Mishka in a big hug and spins all around until we're dizzy and giggly...let's them tumble onto the floor in an adorable mess of female parts...turning, I spy my prey and slink over...Mad is totally unaware of my stalking as he's engrossed in the critique he's working on (Lews notices, but isn't gonna say a thing because I promised him two flashes if he kept quiet)...I get close enough to spring onto Mad's back and wiggle all over him in a reverse body to body hug...jumping off before he collects his wits enough to retrieve his paddle, I rush out the door, giggling wickedly as I go~



That's it, you ares stealing all the good threads. Who do I complain to? Mishka is my slave and I cannot let you hijack her thread without some type of compensation.

tessa tessa lovely tessa ... thanks for "ze rroll rroll rroll in ze hay". You can steal my threads any time you want.

I'll pick up her tab if You need compensation, Sir. She's on me. I mean, I'm on You. I mean...well, however You like it, Sir.