After months of being absent from the site, I am back. Perhaps even a little wiser to how I feel about BDSM and what it means to me.

In the beginning of my BDSM journey, everything was moving so fast. It was like everything my Master and I did was a new experience and my senses were hightened. It did not take long for me to realize that BDSM had to be a regular part of my life. It was something that seemed to enhance my mood, sexually fulfill me, and I felt it gave my personality an edge. I could feel scarlet smiling inside.

A few months ago, my Master stopped all BDSM play. I found myself begging for His firm grip. And by not getting it, I slowly felt my inner sub dying. It was as if scarlet never existed. After 2 months without play, I found that I resented BDSM. I held a grudge. When the topic got brought up, I felt my heart sink and instantly got an attitude. I felt it was being dangled in front of me and no matter how hard I tried to grab it, it was never within reach. Silence finally fell on the topic. I pulled myself away from the site, put the collar and rope away, and accepted that our lifestyle had been put at rest. Through all of the lack of play, my Master seemed to have lost desire to enforce his role. It was like He didn't care for it.

A week ago, He pulled out the black rope. At that moment my heart skipped a beat but I found myself resistant. Why now? Why would you pull that out after months of silence? Why won't you tell me what your thoughts are? My Master has always admitted that he likes me a little bratty and has even requested that I grab walls, stair railings, and couches as he dragged me into the bedroom. My resistance when he pulled the rope out just made it worse. He succeeded at tying me to the head board and his (consensual) rape scene went as planned.

Last night I got a text from him that read: When I get home, I expect my slave to be wearing only the hooker red heels and I expect the rope and your collar to be on the dresser. This time I didn't resist. I did as I was told. Our session was exactly what I needed. It fulfilled everything. To feel the rope around my wrists, the lock on my collar seemed to jingle as in dangled, His hand wrap around my throat... Even "Yes, Master" was music to my own ears. And I never thought I'd actually enjoy the feeling of sub drop. Before sub drop was something I dreaded... Knowing that I would be miserable until my body high had completely vanished and wasn't lingering around. The sub drop has me swimming in the events of last night.

Although I don't fully understand why there was complete silence on the topic and He has kept His reasoning to himself for the most part, I have learned something from all this. My inner sub never died. scarlet surfaced on command. Lack of play did make me appreciate it more and I find myself being less pushy. I know that He will make it happen on His terms. Not my own.

I still feel that BDSM is something I have to have. It is something that I found out about myself and refuse to let silence fall over it again. However this time around I will remember my place, appreciate what I have, and know that my Master is still just as excited with the thought as I am.

<3