TheDeSades First Assignment

[TheDeSade]

Ok, This is rough. I am posting it after only two re-reads and re-writes. But, I am doing this intentionally so see if I am on the right track.

This one isn't necessarily erotic. It is actually the first part of the first chapter of what could be a Sc-Fi based erotic bdsm novel or novellette. Don't know yet.

Ok. . tear it apart. Take it down. Give it to me straight.

Time Trap

Kurt drummed on the steering wheel of the car, stopping occasionally to beep the horn impatiently. The stereo was working overtime as it played the third track of the latest CD put out by the band they were off to see that night. Time Trap had put out a succession of hit singles in the past few months and everyone had heard the rumor that they would have a special surprise at the concert tonight. It was, after all, the last concert on the tour schedule and tickets were scalped for hundreds of dollars all over town.

Rapping on the horn button one more time, he turned to the passenger.

“Jen, get out and go see what the fucking hold up is. We’re gonna be late and miss the first set at the concert.”

The slightly built young woman looked lazily at him, rolled her eyes and then reached for the door handle. All at once, the front door of the house burst open and another couple came bounding toward the car. Piling into the back seat the man whooped and slapped the driver on the back of the head.

“On ward, Jeeves. To the concert post haste!”

Grimacing into the rear view mirror Kurt, spoke in a dower tone.

“Yeah, yeah. If you two had been ready we would already be there.”

“Don’t look at me. If Miss, ‘I gotta look just right’ hadn’t changed clothes three times we wouldn’t be late.”

Beside him, the dark skinned woman of indeterminate nationality glared at him.

“Like you weren’t totally no help!” Turning her back to him she gazed out the window as the car sped along the interstate toward the arena. She felt a hand touch her shoulder and, without moving, looked to see his face in the reflection in the window glass.

“Shele, babe, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. Come on, don’t get mad. Man, we are gonna have a fuckin BLAST tonight!”

Turning slightly, she looked at him and then a small smile played across her face.

“Yeah, we are gonna get totally blasted. Kurt, do you have any idea what the surprise is that everyone has been talking about?”

Shaking his head as he concentrated on driving the car he told them. “Nope, not a clue. I’ve heard everything from free CD’s to a totally new song. I just wanna be there when it happens.”

Jennifer, half turned to face the back seat, looked at Michelle. “Babe, you look good enough to eat. That outfit is fantastic. If you don’t get a glance from one of the band tonight, you would have to be naked to get it done!”

Grinning broadly from ear to ear, Michelle turned to show off the outfit. The leather corset caused her firm full breasts to stand high and emphasized her already small waist. The black leather skirt just barely covered her neatly shaved sex. Holding up one leg so that everyone in the car could see she asked. “You don’t think the thigh high boots are too much, do you?”

Kurt, hearing the question, turned to look over the seat, his eyes taking in the visual feast. The long leather clad leg stretched across the seat causing the short skirt to ride up giving him an unimpeded view. Licking his lips he gazed at the sight until the blaring of horns turned his attention back to the road and the car that the had nearly sideswiped.

“Holy GEZUSSSSSS!” shouted Paul from the back seat. ‘Christ, Shele, put your damned leg back down before he kills us all. He will get to see all he wants of that thing later anyway.”

Everyone broke into short knowing laughter as the car slowed to turn into the parking lot of the arena. In the distance, they could see the dome of the huge arena glowing in the last rays of the setting sun. A sea of cars stretched out before them. Quickly finding a vacant parking place, the four tumbled from the car and headed for the door of the arena, eagerly anticipating the night of music, fun and, ultimately, rough and rowdy sex.

Breathlessly, the four approached the doors, burst through and headed for the concourse of the arena. Running hard for fear they would be late and miss the first part of the show, none of them realized that something was seriously amiss.

No one stopped them to ask for their tickets. No one stood behind or in front of the concession stand. There were no crowds to fight through to get to the floor. In fact, for a rock concert, the place was an absolute tomb.

Sliding around the turn to go down the ramp to the floor, the four laughed, pushed and shoved one another playfully. Kurt, taking an opportunity, slid a hand under Michele’s skirt and goosed her bare bottom. Watching her jump and then squeal, he grinned broadly. At the bottom of the ramp, however, he slowed and stopped.

“What the hell is this?”

Looking out over the huge floor of the arena, Kurt could see the stage at the far end, brightly lit and set with equipment for a concert. The vast floor spread out before them, empty except for the occasional shoe and a couple of t-shirts tossed casually on the floor.

“Where the hell is everybody . . . and where the hell is the band?”

The four surveyed the eerie scene. Standing together each looked and tried to comprehend the confusing sight.

Jennifer, standing half behind Kurt and holding his hand tightly spoke with a shake in her voice.

“Did they cancel the concert?”

From behind her Paul whispered as if afraid to disturb the deafening quiet of the arena.

“If they canceled the concert, why are all the cars still here? And where are the roadies and the clean up crew? Something ain’t right here and I think we oughta get the hell out ahere right now!”

“No!” Kurt spoke with a quick shake of his head. “Something is going on here and I want to know what it is.”

Pulling back on his hand urging him back up the ramp, Jennifer whined. “Kurt, please, this is just to weird. I’m freaked. Let’s go.”

In the mean time, Michelle, always the adrenaline junky, started across the empty floor, calling over her shoulder as she went.

“Come on you pussies. Let’s go see if anyone is back stage. This is too cool for words. It almost makes me wet!”

Looking at Paul, Kurt pulled on Jennifer, urged her forward, and the three tentatively followed the adventurous Michelle into the darkness of the arena floor.

[moptop]

"Ok. . tear it apart. Take it down. Give it to me straight."

Thoughts - would DeSade enjoy taking it straight?

DeSade - I want to know what happens next! I want to know if this is a mass alien abduction, have they all gone to a great orgy experiment in the sky, and I want to know why your main characters (unless they are simply an incidental set of introduction characters, seems unlikely) aren't involved. So: there is a mystery, and I now anticipate a detective-mystery-sci-fi-erotico-rock story. My appetite is whetted.

But: yes, leaping in where angels fear to tread as ever I do, I dare to put my but before DeSade, pun absolutely intended.

The but is, your characters are not meaning anything to me, they just feel like no-interest whooping it up kids (enjoying an apparently wide-spread group-kink-sex-related music scene, yes, that's fun, of course). Now obviously Michelle has got a bit of gumption to her, Kurt is also strong, and the other two are their softer counterparts, so there are the relationship dynamics. But they havn't caught my personal interest at all.

To argue against myself here - that leaves plenty of room for them to grow and learn and become more complete people as the book unfolds. Also, it is only about page 3, just what am I expecting?

Further argument against self: oy, mouthy, you've just done your first ever story submission, you're new here, DS knows what he's doing he's a professional, where do you get off you cheeky cow? Oh dear, am pretty good at getting people's hackles up, advance apologies probably required to whole forum just in case

Anyway, summary: interesting story line, grabs the interest, want to know what's going to happen next, good; and I think that may principally be what you're interested in since you've only done 2 rewrites.

Thank you for sharing it with us.

[TheDeSade]

"Ok. . tear it apart. Take it down. Give it to me straight."
[
Thoughts - would DeSade enjoy taking it straight?

On your thoughts, I will always take it straight!

DeSade - I want to know what happens next! I want to know if this is a mass alien abduction, have they all gone to a great orgy experiment in the sky, and I want to know why your main characters (unless they are simply an incidental set of introduction characters, seems unlikely) aren't involved. So: there is a mystery, and I now anticipate a detective-mystery-sci-fi-erotico-rock story. My appetite is whetted.

Good! That was the whole intention.

But: yes, leaping in where angels fear to tread as ever I do, I dare to put my but before DeSade, pun absolutely intended.

I don't think I will be disappointed if you put your but .. or your butt. . . before me.

The but is, your characters are not meaning anything to me, they just feel like no-interest whooping it up kids (enjoying an apparently wide-spread group-kink-sex-related music scene, yes, that's fun, of course). Now obviously Michelle has got a bit of gumption to her, Kurt is also strong, and the other two are their softer counterparts, so there are the relationship dynamics. But they havn't caught my personal interest at all.

You are absolutely right. I wasn't sure how long a submission should be for a first assignment. Rather than spend a lot of time doing character development, I chose to do a much shorter version to simply lay the groundwork for later development. Its a trickier solution and harder to keep the readers interest, but character development as part of the plot development can be done. I'm not sure that I have the skills yet to do it well.

To argue against myself here - that leaves plenty of room for them to grow and learn and become more complete people as the book unfolds. Also, it is only about page 3, just what am I expecting?

The expectations of the reader is what it is all about. I am thinking that to be really effective, the work has to make a broad appeal to reader interest from the very first page, so, yours is a very valid and well perceived criticism.

Further argument against self: oy, mouthy, you've just done your first ever story submission, you're new here, DS knows what he's doing he's a professional, where do you get off you cheeky cow? Oh dear, am pretty good at getting people's hackles up, advance apologies probably required to whole forum just in case

No apologies needed here. Well founded and earnest criticism is what we are looking for here I think. Or at least I am. I am here to grow my skill and my art. I can't do that without lowering my guards enough to take some real criticism and help.

Anyway, summary: interesting story line, grabs the interest, want to know what's going to happen next, good; and I think that may principally be what you're interested in since you've only done 2 rewrites.

Thank you for sharing it with us.

Thank you for taking the time to read and to comment. I sincerely appreciate the time and effort as well as the thought that you put into this.


TDS

[SheepishJaina]

Very interesting beginning. Keeping what moptop has mentioned in mind, as well as grammer and spelling, continue with the story for assignment two. I'd like to see you expand upon the characters you've presented as the story progresses.