fallenangel42

It's been a long while since i kept a journal or blog, preferring to keep emotions private and to myself, or to a trusted confidante. Now, though, there is so much change (an overused word in the current climate i know, but apt here) in my life that i need a sounding board - i don't necessarily expect all or any of my questions and musings to be answered here, i write in the hope that laying my thoughts down in text will enable me to see myself from an outsider's eyes, and better understand myself.

i fear a large part of my life is changing rapidly, and i'm unsure about whether to allow myself to be carried along by it. My boyfriend (NH) and i have a loving, equal relationship, and until recently he has only been my Master in sexual context. On occasion it has felt almost as if there were two men in my life - the caring boyfriend who brings me flowers and rubs my shoulders after a long day, and the demanding Master who can bring new levels of exquisite pain with every encounter; equally i began almost to develop a split personality, torn between the assertive and independent girlfriend, and the sexual slave - his little slut

Recently however, that distinction is becoming harder to find. Previously there has always been a point before or early during foreplay when NH takes control, a point afterwards where i regain my identity as his girlfriend - almost as if a psychological 'subbie-switch' has been flicked from on to off. Over the past few weeks, that switch has been taking longer and longer to flick back to off. i find myself more and more submissive and subserviant to NH in all everyday situations for greater and greater periods of time, which He has never demanded or even suggested.

i love being able to completely submit to and place my faith in my boyfriend, Master, lover, call him what you will. i'm not sure, though, if i'm ready yet to lose my sense of independent self the way i seem to be doing. How long before the switch doesn't make it to off before it's time to switch it on again? How long, then, before our relationship becomes a 24/7 D/s relationship? That is not something either of us wanted or anticipated.

i never thought i'd say it, but i'm clinging onto my last scraps of vanilla as if my life, or freedom, depended on it