Hugs Denu.....i believe you hold the collar of your beast........Quote:
Originally Posted by denuseri
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Hugs Denu.....i believe you hold the collar of your beast........Quote:
Originally Posted by denuseri
Well put, thrall.
It reminds me of a Cherokee story:
An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice, "Let me tell you a story.
I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.
But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times." He continued, "It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.
But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger,for his anger will change nothing.
Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."
The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"
The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, "The one I feed."
HHmm.......yes......the one that lives is the one.......that I feed......
i like that Euryleia
simply awsome wisdom there Euryleia
thrall, whising I had your gift with words to express my gratitude. Indeed it is all about emotions..but also actions and expectations, obligations.
Euryleia, you fountain of wise quotations and lines, thanks, point taken. You have no idea how adequate that comparison is.
The problem is...I am talking about my brother and my mother, my father being dead for years now.
I really really thougt I had made my peace with "it" and with them. And they try in their way, in fact being victims as well.
The problem is...that I can't use my anger to those who in fact deserve, I can't hurt my family, I can't hurt those bullies from school who no doubt have forgotten all about it.
Indeed I am still scared to lash out..because the unlucky reciever will have many bills settled. Been told I can literally cut someone to pieces in anger, even if it is only verbal.
The problem is..that at times I feel guilty for not using that power.
The problem is...that at one hand I am so glad about what's happening, me finally stopping the fight in myself, accepting who I am, what I need, what I have to offer. But unable to share this with even the best friends, and still having to fear the opinion of those just waiting for a chance to have their pick on me - because of the work I do.
There is the grief of years wasted in a battle that never should have been fought, the irony being that what caused my needs also caused my moral problems with it. And yes, there is that fear of losing it all...after all those years.. The fear of staying that lone rider, hiding in strength and isolation.
I will add the original post..there is nothing to be ashamed about. And believe me, I know what wolf I want to feed..but for now it is a very sad and lonely wolf. Thank you all, thank you so much..
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowen
Ok...i may take loads of heat for the...but......oh well
It is alright ot HATE your mother
It is alright to HATE your brother
It is alright to HATE your father....even if he is dead...being dead does not absolve him of anything.
I don't care if they "were victims themselves".......it they victimized you......that made them perpetrators......abusers! There is no excuse......and as "victims" themselves......they should know better.....
You do not have to say your piece......with anger........but matter of factually
Use "I" words.......this is how "I" feel....this is what "I" think....this is what was done to......."ME"
SAY THE .........."IT".......say what "IT".....IS.....
And ya know what Rowen..if they dont like it......to damn bad! The brutal truth.....sometimes hurts.....very badly.
OK.....so you say cant hurt you family.....but you also realize that they are toxic to and for you.....stop talking and interacting with them.......There is no law that says that you must.
I am a loner....my friends are loners....we just happen to like being alone....together.......
Am afraid I will regret this. But..did hate them, in fact broke contact for five years with mother. During the breaking up with my GF however they did really try to support, as far as possible for them.
The IT...boy..the IT is I wasn't supposed to be born, was always considered the dumb, wierd kid, always ridiculed, degraded and belittled. Until 12 it was round a clock bully and harassment time. Luckily after that, at an other school, school was in fact my safe haven....me being that somewhat strange, but unconditional loyal and supportive kid - my character emerging - always the one to bring you home, always the one covering up for you.
The IT was my elder brother having his sexual way with me, to some degree, at which times I was also tied up - hence the huge moral conflict in my brain meanwhile being in doubt about my sexual orientation for years.
The IT was my parents living like seperated people under one roof..the last 10 years not even in the same bedroom...
The IT was the agression at home, mainly from my brother, causing me to consider really drastic solutions..because every time police came...and went...and nothing changed.
The IT was that whatever I wanted or did, it never mattered anyway.
The IT was the three of them seperately crying on my shoulder, having me do the negotiations to get the family going again.
The IT was that still somehow, everything always was my fault.
The other IT was life itself, every G@ddamn single time taking away something I started to cherish or thougt I had achieved.
The IT was that allthough appreciated and respected, I always have been that stranger. the one daring to make the politcal uncorrect but true statements.
And I did hate them. And I was so glad to be away. And I was so damn happy with my love, even gave up the dream of leaving my country for it. Then again, I couldn't help caring for them, forgiving them..it simply is what and who I am.
I can't help it, I do not want to hate...not them, not mankind..no matter what's done to me. I so do want to love...but people do make that so hard at times..
I can't find the right words to put the finger on the spot..being so tired..spending all day here, thinking, typing, crying....healing..but it has something to do with the realisation that the scars are in fact deeper and longer lasting than I thought. But also that indeed I wish I had done what I am doing right now years before. Knowing that my submission indeed was an old need to meet.
And yes, I am a loner...a bit tired of all those girls telling me what a kind and honest man I am but....the bosses telling me just what a good guy I am but... So yes, I prefer the few good friends. And yes, really am reconsidering my future. But there is that longing for that companion on the journey..one that loves for just who I am and what I do, be it as her caring dom, be it as her devoted submissive, always there to care for her.
Rowen dammit, I couldn't respond to this right away because it made me cry my eyes out. Everything is blurry with tears.Quote:
Originally posted by Rowen:
The problem is...I am talking about my brother and my mother, my father being dead for years now.
I really really thougt I had made my peace with "it" and with them. And they try in their way, in fact being victims as well.
The problem is...that I can't use my anger to those who in fact deserve, I can't hurt my family, I can't hurt those bullies from school who no doubt have forgotten all about it.
Indeed I am still scared to lash out..because the unlucky reciever will have many bills settled. Been told I can literally cut someone to pieces in anger, even if it is only verbal.
The problem is..that at times I feel guilty for not using that power.
The problem is...that at one hand I am so glad about what's happening, me finally stopping the fight in myself, accepting who I am, what I need, what I have to offer. But unable to share this with even the best friends, and still having to fear the opinion of those just waiting for a chance to have their pick on me - because of the work I do.
There is the grief of years wasted in a battle that never should have been fought, the irony being that what caused my needs also caused my moral problems with it. And yes, there is that fear of losing it all...after all those years.. The fear of staying that lone rider, hiding in strength and isolation.
I will add the original post..there is nothing to be ashamed about. And believe me, I know what wolf I want to feed..but for now it is a very sad and lonely wolf. Thank you all, thank you so much..
How do I start? My father, while not an abuser enabled my abuse to occur. He could have taken me out of the school where it was happening but he didn't. Also, while not abusive, he is highly critical and it seems at times he considers it his right to stay that way. "That is how I was brought up. That is the way I learned," is what he says whenever I say something about it.
While I hated my abuser, it's difficult with my dad. I have gotten to a place where I hate how he acts and what he says, but for him personally I only feel a deep gut wrenching sadness.
I told him once that at this time in my life I would just like to sit with my him and talk about life. Maybe gain a pearl of wisdom or two. You probably know how he responded, "That is how I was..." Sometimes I want to shout, "Oh just shut the fuck up! You just don't get it!"
It is doubly hard when it is your family. With someone on the outside you can indulge in a really violent fantasy and it offers some relief. With family it only offers guilt.
Like Grandfather said in the story, "hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times."
Sometimes though, hate can cause you to move. It can become such a drain that you must move on.
The beginning of my true healing from my abuse began with the story I told below. I indulged the anger, almost losing my sanity in the process, but it worked for me.
After the episode where I lived in my fantasy, I wrote a poem about fantasizing climbing in the window of the place where my abusive teacher lived and painting the room red with her blood.
I is a rather good poem actually. Nowhere does it say explicitly that the main character carves up his victim, but there is no question what happened. Then I did a series of paintings about my experiences.
Since then I have not been able to get to the same place of anger and hate. I've exhausted it, and me.
Soon, I will be able to let go. The wound still bleeds, just not so freely anymore.
You will reach that place too.
Well Ashton and Rowen......how did that feel to actually...........say..."it"...
big hugs.......
Actually, I have told it before, at therapy, to my GF - who didn't ran away and let me lay down my head in her lap.Quote:
Originally Posted by thrall
Tried to tell it to some extent to my family, and they do understand it to some degree.
That's why I am so surprised and confused...I really really thougt I was done with it.
Perhaps it is the realisation why I in fact did submit..in combination with problems at work and the possible disease of my brother (he may or may not have cancer at the moment)
However...as exhausting as these days are...they are healing..even if it's 0317 over here right now.
And once again thrall, thanks..if we ever make it over that ocean....
Not your fault Rowen.....your parents fault. You had no choice being born.....and your parents did not protect youQuote:
Originally Posted by Rowen
Not your fault Rowen...its your brothers fault.....IMO he is rapist plain and simple.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowen
Not your fault. Rowen.....Its you parents fault. My guess, sadly, is that think they were staying together for the sake of the children.......even so.....that is their relationship...Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowen
Yes and sadly im sure that i know the considered solution to the ending of your pain.....Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowen
And how old were you Rowen??...You were under their control.......so again....not your faultQuote:
Originally Posted by Rowen
User's to the end weren't they?...using you for support...and never offering support in return......toxic relationships......hugs......their fault...not yours.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowen
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowen
Not your fault Rowen. You wanted their love and approval.....and i think you still do.....its easier to deal with the pain....if everything is YOUR OWN FAULT...taking all of the painful blame for yourself.......if you do not BLAME THEM.....than somehow.......they may love you because you do NOT point the finger of blame at them.....
that is life Rowen..it moves and changes ......in a blink of an eye.....life is not out to get you......life gives and takes from us all....you are not alone..hugsQuote:
Originally Posted by Rowen
I understand and know how you feel.........it is their loss not yours.....you are still looking for approval and acceptance.....the question is....do you really need it??.....Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowen
I approve of you and accept you for who and what you are......big hugs.....
And just as you fathers death does not absolve him......nor does your brothers possible illness........absolve him of raping you as a child.....I know he may need and want your support now.......but does he....deserve it???......i think not.
The thing is Rowen i think you still do hate them....you may not want to admit it.....because "its wrong to hate....and you cant hate your family"...
You were happy when you cut contact form the toxic influences.....and were able to deal with you anger/hate issues.......think about that Rowen.....
Now they are back.....your mother and brother.....both again looking to you for support.....and all the old feelings are back.
t
thrall, saying "it" is very different when you realize...it's not your fault.Quote:
Originally posted by thrall:
Well Ashton and Rowen......how did that feel to actually...........say..."it"...
big hugs.......
You seem to be more knowledgeable in this than the average observer...experience?
thanks and hug hugs back to you.......
Quote:
Originally Posted by ashtonDs
short answer...........what do you think?
I am sure...and think I do understand "that look" now. Yes, you know what you're talking about. Making my hug even bigger!Quote:
Originally Posted by thrall
Hang on, gotta find someone really short. I'll get back to you. lolQuote:
Originally posted by thrall:
short answer...........what do you think?
I think I already knew, it was just waaaaay past my bedtime and I was having a hard time staying awake.
Looking back all day, wanting to post an answer here. Gratefull again for the support here..and thrall, once again you bring comfort and peace.
Thrall, no doubt you know and you feel what this is about. I will PM you cos I think I am getting a bit too personal here.
Can you believe that my first reaction was to defend them – again? Pointing out how they try to make it up, telling how I really have forgiven them. Honest.
Looking back at the posts I am sorry about almost hijacking this thread, still a bit worried about posting this all. Really started the weekend with other intentions, am way behind with work now. But it’s worth it.
Because, mailing with Pertez we realised we are a remarkable bunch…Yes indeed, birds of a feather flock together…and I am beginning to like my feathers. But..have to shift down a bit, can’t keep on spending whole weekends over here.. So dear members, I must try to reduce my time here..even if I don’t want to..
Meanwhile my big thanks here to everyone
Rowen, that's why this thread is here. Even though you feel as if you dumped a large load, and maybe you did, it got me to take a couple more steps in my own recovery. There is no way to tell how many people read what you shared and found answers to questions or gained strength from your experiences.Quote:
Originally posted by Rowen:
Looking back at the posts I am sorry about almost hijacking this thread, still a bit worried about posting this all.
This thread exists to get people talking about recovering from their abuse. You used it well.
Your strength gives us strength, Rowan, and the same for every single person who posts on this thread. It helps to listen...for us to know that it is ok to speak out. I appreciate all of the stories I read here because I know that I'm not alone and know that it is ok to talk about the things that have happened so that I can deal with the feelings that churn inside of me. Please share...anything...
Hmmm...couldn't stay now could I...
Thanks new, in fact it started a bit in our PM's, and reading the thread again..'twere your remarks that triggered me..big time..then thrall, as always, speaking the right words at the right time in the right way - just how does she do that?
In fact it was a surrender, submission....what am I writing now???? wowww..realistation strikes...*G*... Thanks again....for taking the fight away, even if it is for this moment...and now you mention it...there is a strength in surrender...must think about that..
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowen
Yes i believe it. If you defend them ....it may not really be their fault..but yours...right? Were you a bit annoyed that i had the audacity to say something bad about them??...And you wanted to tell me how good they are???......Are you defending the mental image of what you want them to be....or truly what they are?
One of the biggest tricks abusers and molesters have is that they are very good seducers and manipulates.....its how they control.....
They will seduce you into thinking and feeling whatever suits their own ends.....From what you say...it appears to me that they "need" you now....of course they want you to think that they have "made it all up to you".....they will try and convince you that you have indeed "forgiven" them....
I would lay down good money..... that they also know that you would do anything for their love and approval.....
Its emotional blackmail.......its how they keep you silent.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowen
I don't think it is so much as we took the fight away from you Rowen...more like you are letting the fight go...
Here is something else i want you to think about....
You are hiding in the light when the only thing anyone sees is the smile that hides the pain. When you are asked...."are you alright..is everything OK"....and the inevitable answer is..........a resounding......"Yes I'm just fine,thank you".....along with a great big smile.....
You whisper your pain into the darkness.....you scream it.....that way no one can see.....
Your truth is here Rowen...for anyone who can see.....This is where you can say the "it".......and not be judged for anything......saying the "it" to a therapist is vastly different than saying "it" in public......Cathartic isn't it?
I have not gone though this thread.....but i believe it is to stop the flow of blood.......it is to support all those who need it in terms of past abuse.......and it would appear that you did need just that.......support.....and at this moment......in public. That is why you asked me here to look at your post......
Big hugs
t
I am incredibly touched by what I see happening in this thread. I had already figured out this is a safe place with incredibly understanding and kind people. The support I see is unlike any I've seen any where else. So any brave people telling their stories, sharing their wisdom and their pain. Growing and healing bit by bit.
One of these days soon I will tell my story. It pales in comparison to most, but that is consistent with my life where nothing was ever good enough. I even feel my abuse wasn't good enough/bad enough to have wounded me to the degree I feel it has. intellectually I know that is hogwash, but my heart tells me it is so.
denuseri, bless you for starting this thread, and bless each and everyone of you who has contributed to it.
Claire, don't worry about what other's might think of your story. This is a safe space and there is no hierarchy of abuse to compete for who had the worst experience. Our damage is our own. What is important is how it affects you and that you survived.Quote:
Originally Posted by claire
I am glad that this thread has helped you and I hope that you can find the support you need. Whether or not you ever share your story, we are here for you.
claire
abuse is abuse period mental physical spiritual or other it doesnt matter
nothing says anyone has to post here eiather, no one should ever do anything they arent comfortable with, i know several that stay out of the light because they are not ready and thats fine,, heck i have been a member since last october and other than a breakdown in chat one nite, i didnt post till recently, its very hard to do, and one should be ready inside first
this all about helping each other
hugs and kisses my sista
Hello you all, have been online, but actually on phone all evening. Have to go to bed now, but read the post, the PM's. Thank you all so much. Will post later this week...have had a talk to my mother...and it was....different...
OK..so..once again awake way too late…but want to share again..some good news I think this time.
Although unintended, spoke to my mother on the fone, for hours. Told her that even if I thought I was over it, I simply wasn’t and perhaps never will be. Had talked to her psychiatrist and told her that also…despite my wishes, the scars simply are to deep.
It was ambivalent….one the one hand mother aknowledged that they did hurt me badly and that is was wrong to do so. On the other hand her focusing on her own misery, telling she would give her life to make it right and accepting me not visiting her as her punishment…now that I didn’t like…didn’t like at all…felt like being manipulated all over again.
I explained that my keeping contact limited wasn’t punishment, that her dying wouldn’t change what happened..it’s just a fact that I simply hurt too much and still am angry…That’s all..I am not aiming to hurt her…that wouldn’t change what happened either. That felt relieved…
Also spoke my brother…now that’s more difficult. He is stll more or less denying, even though 2 years ago for the first time he didn’t deny that something did happen…and I thought, I so whished..I had forgiven him… I will have to prepare that “coming out” because otherwise I will end up feeling guilty again. Also..there are his kids…some of them rather fond of that nice uncle..and he did try to support me during my break up…looks like he is longing to have a brother…so that’s difficult.
Spoke to my ex on Sunday evening. We still have a bond. I talked about what’s going on, and the support I had found here..and she was so glad about that! Both had a good cry, especially when she heard some of the support here. She supports my “coming out” all the way..both the abuse history as bdsm being a part of me. That’s wonderfull
Actually had a good day at work, even if I didn’t sleep the whole weekend…talked again with my boss…and she told me she in was worried about me the last time…thinking I was hurting like hell. Well, indeed I was. But even more important to me..several people made it quite clear just how they appreciate my unorthodox but passionate way of work. Would consider it a huge loss if I would leave…respect and encourage that I take some time for myself….glad when I told them I am starting to like my feathers..will be going my way…and that the patients can and will benefit from it, exactly because I am different, I am that stranger that see and says things other people don’t… They liked that..told me I looked more at peace..That’s good – even if I didn’t tell I learned so much on a bdsm-site, lol!!
What in fact I am saying is…yes….it was cathartic as thrall puts it….it’s almost like submitting, but then to myself…feeling safe to do so here..for all you to see..it did so well...
Even if in fact I am exhausted by the short nights,..it is working wonders for me. There still is a lot to do, but this weekend a major achievement was made. Thanks to you all…and to those around here..hurting, doubting whether or not to come out with theis story I can only say: please do, you will learn that the people around here pull out that fuzzy blanket, wrap it around you, and just listen…you can cry, you may rant, it’s ok, you are ok…you're safe here, they won’t prod you, they won't hurt you, only gently ask and by doing so help you to say what must be said….and when you look back at that thread…you will feel an uncanning relieve...
I will give this thread back to you..but will never ever forget what happened here...
claire, like yourself....i wish share my story here one day.....
(((Rowen)))) just because
I'll keep that fuzzy blanket in reach... choose your own time...but then...let it just happen..Quote:
Originally Posted by Reignslilslave
*sneaks over and hugs Rowan* I'm proud of you, friend. Most proud.
Quote:
Originally Posted by claire
Claire, same goes for you!
Rowen....Great Big Hugs!!
Ok....just a word for everyone in this thread.....this is not a thread i keep track of...
I dont want anyone of you to feel as if i only talk to Rowen or am leaving anyone out and not talking to you...Rowen asked me to look at what he was posting.....that is the only reason i jumped in.......
I am always around here somewhere......and am always happy to help......just PM me.....and ill be back....
Big hugs for everyone!
thrall
Hi Rowen...just a few more things to think about.....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowen
You are not punishing your mother, by breaking contact. Breaking contact is not punitive, its something for you. Your mother is reaping what she sowed in the past. She planted pain and anger, it now as come to fruition. Do not......do not allow her to make you feel guilty for your feelings.
And if your mother is true to her word....and wants to make it right....woohoo! She should except a relationship with you..........on you terms.......not hers. If you terms are limited to no contact....then she should be happy for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowen
OK.........straight up......to damn bad if he suddenly thinks that having a brother is a good idea. He should have though about being so brotherly then.That ship sailed.........long ago. It would be great if he owns up to raping you.......no euphemisms like you played around....or he really didn't mean anything by it..... but owing up to the facts. The brutal truth. Anything less is letting him off the rapist hook.
Please do not allow what happened between you and your brother separate you and you nieces or nephews. Carry on with them....only leave your brother out of the loop. They did nothing wrong and are innocent.
Good luck Rowen
thrall
the incident [as i call it now] happened. i made a post of it when i felt i wanted to share but i don't think i need [nor want] to re-write the whole thing. right now what's worrying me is that i've started thinking about sex again, having fantasies, heck, i've even played with myself. I had sex 3 months after it and i came--then i started crying and crying and crying and couldn't stop. What I hate right now is the guilt of wanting to enjoy sex again. I have met [and read about] women who went through the same incident as i did and were traumatised much more than myself. I'm not saying it didn't hit me over the head with a mallet, i'm worrying that i should be worried and thinking about it but i'm not. i've spoken it over with my mother, told her about my worrying and, well, wanting to have fun yet thinking i shouldn't because... i don't know.
i'm afraid it's not normal to want sex again, but i do! and i hate the fact that i do because i shouldn't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bip0lar
Don't feel obliged to write...it is up to you and you alone if and what you want to share. That being said...thank you for sharing your question.. Takes courage to do so..I respect that.
I read about the incident. So sorry that happened to you. I am always a bit ashamed of being a man when reading such a scandalous act of a male.Quote:
Originally Posted by bip0lar
Listen to me...when certain parts of your body are stimulated you can't help your body responding...that's what the "forced orgasms" in bondage videos are all about. DON'T blame yourself for it. Even if you body responded, even if you did get aroused, it was still wrong what that man did..because you didn't want it. Period. He is the rapist, you are the victim. He should NEVER have done that to you. Period again!
To me, it looks like it may be a good sign you think about sex again. You are a young girl, you should enjoy sex, it is part of your live. Don;t let that bastard take that away from you.
half of me feels sorry for thinking about sex and acting on my thoughts, the other half wants to let go and enjoy it--i don't know which part of my head to listen to. my mum says "it's part of the healing process", but i think, i wish, i hope i got out of this healing process. i don't want to hold myself back on this, it's one of the things in life i actually do enjoy, i've stopped having flashbacks, i've stopped thinking about it, it's all behind me, it CAN'T be undone, it can only be dealt with--and i think i've done that. but then the guilt starts settling in again and i'm asking myself how a male can arouse me again and how i should barricade myself in. i just don't want to have to be on the defense all the time anymore. and i feel stupid asking if that's wrong, because i know it isn't, i just can't stop feeling it..
bip0lar,Quote:
Originally posted by bip0lar:
i don't know which part of my head to listen to
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified something she called the five stages of grief. These "stages" are emotions or sets of emotions that we all go through after we experience a trauma. Here is what a short explanation:
As you can see, they are not neat, clean and predictable. You are going through some now, it seems, but that is OK. We all do when bad things happen.Quote:
The Five Stages of Grief
Denial:
* Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening."
Anger:
* Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can you accept this!"
Bargaining:
* Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years."
Depression:
* Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"
Acceptance:
* Example - "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This also includes the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, or infertility. Kübler-Ross also claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two.
Do not punish yourself for something you did not do, or choose. And don't try to tell yourself you should be further along in healing than you think you are. Your wound is still bleeding. It's going to take time to heal. For some of us it takes a long time. Take it easy on yourself. Just realize, the swirl of emotions, the inner confusion, the questions, is all normal.
Please remember, through it all, you are lovable. You are worth having as a friend. You are a good person.
I wish my arms were long enough, I'd give you a big, safe, long, silent hug.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bip0lar
Bipolar, I think you might think this post usefull
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...&postcount=162
Does anyone have a problem with trust?
I have a very hard time with my submission in many ways. It's so emotional and psychological, and because of my desire to submit (non-sexual), I ended up trusting the wrong person and... yeah. Not fun. I ended up being unsafe because I wanted so badly to be able to open up and trust. There wasn't even anything kinky/BDSM going on; this was all about my feelings and the relationship I thought I had with this person. I just thought I could trust him, and because I *needed* to trust someone, I did. Stupid stupid stupid.
I have huge huge problems with trust in much the same way...only I generally push people away before they get too close because it scares me so much. And then they earn enough to hurt me and do. Needless to say....There's lots of things that could be better in my life (though i'll also say that things could be so much worse!!)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rooshoe
Yes, that submissive desire, or the desire for attachment, those can make you forget about yourself..your own safety... IMHO trust has to be gained...not to be given..
Ask yourself just why you should trust that other one? Does he really deserve it? Has he proven himself worthy of it?
And hey, we ALL can make mistakes or misjudge a situation...it's human to err...and learn from it!