half of me feels sorry for thinking about sex and acting on my thoughts, the other half wants to let go and enjoy it--i don't know which part of my head to listen to. my mum says "it's part of the healing process", but i think, i wish, i hope i got out of this healing process. i don't want to hold myself back on this, it's one of the things in life i actually do enjoy, i've stopped having flashbacks, i've stopped thinking about it, it's all behind me, it CAN'T be undone, it can only be dealt with--and i think i've done that. but then the guilt starts settling in again and i'm asking myself how a male can arouse me again and how i should barricade myself in. i just don't want to have to be on the defense all the time anymore. and i feel stupid asking if that's wrong, because i know it isn't, i just can't stop feeling it..