victims of abuse support for submissives

I am incredibly touched by what I see happening in this thread. I had already figured out this is a safe place with incredibly understanding and kind people. The support I see is unlike any I've seen any where else. So any brave people telling their stories, sharing their wisdom and their pain. Growing and healing bit by bit.

One of these days soon I will tell my story. It pales in comparison to most, but that is consistent with my life where nothing was ever good enough. I even feel my abuse wasn't good enough/bad enough to have wounded me to the degree I feel it has. intellectually I know that is hogwash, but my heart tells me it is so.

denuseri, bless you for starting this thread, and bless each and everyone of you who has contributed to it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by claire

One of these days soon I will tell my story. It pales in comparison to most, but that is consistent with my life where nothing was ever good enough. I even feel my abuse wasn't good enough/bad enough to have wounded me to the degree I feel it has. intellectually I know that is hogwash, but my heart tells me it is so.

---

Claire, don't worry about what other's might think of your story. This is a safe space and there is no hierarchy of abuse to compete for who had the worst experience. Our damage is our own. What is important is how it affects you and that you survived.

I am glad that this thread has helped you and I hope that you can find the support you need. Whether or not you ever share your story, we are here for you.

claire

abuse is abuse period mental physical spiritual or other it doesnt matter

nothing says anyone has to post here eiather, no one should ever do anything they arent comfortable with, i know several that stay out of the light because they are not ready and thats fine,, heck i have been a member since last october and other than a breakdown in chat one nite, i didnt post till recently, its very hard to do, and one should be ready inside first

this all about helping each other

hugs and kisses my sista

Hello you all, have been online, but actually on phone all evening. Have to go to bed now, but read the post, the PM's. Thank you all so much. Will post later this week...have had a talk to my mother...and it was....different...

OK..so..once again awake way too late…but want to share again..some good news I think this time.

Although unintended, spoke to my mother on the fone, for hours. Told her that even if I thought I was over it, I simply wasn’t and perhaps never will be. Had talked to her psychiatrist and told her that also…despite my wishes, the scars simply are to deep.
It was ambivalent….one the one hand mother aknowledged that they did hurt me badly and that is was wrong to do so. On the other hand her focusing on her own misery, telling she would give her life to make it right and accepting me not visiting her as her punishment…now that I didn’t like…didn’t like at all…felt like being manipulated all over again.
I explained that my keeping contact limited wasn’t punishment, that her dying wouldn’t change what happened..it’s just a fact that I simply hurt too much and still am angry…That’s all..I am not aiming to hurt her…that wouldn’t change what happened either. That felt relieved…

Also spoke my brother…now that’s more difficult. He is stll more or less denying, even though 2 years ago for the first time he didn’t deny that something did happen…and I thought, I so whished..I had forgiven him… I will have to prepare that “coming out” because otherwise I will end up feeling guilty again. Also..there are his kids…some of them rather fond of that nice uncle..and he did try to support me during my break up…looks like he is longing to have a brother…so that’s difficult.

Spoke to my ex on Sunday evening. We still have a bond. I talked about what’s going on, and the support I had found here..and she was so glad about that! Both had a good cry, especially when she heard some of the support here. She supports my “coming out” all the way..both the abuse history as bdsm being a part of me. That’s wonderfull

Actually had a good day at work, even if I didn’t sleep the whole weekend…talked again with my boss…and she told me she in was worried about me the last time…thinking I was hurting like hell. Well, indeed I was. But even more important to me..several people made it quite clear just how they appreciate my unorthodox but passionate way of work. Would consider it a huge loss if I would leave…respect and encourage that I take some time for myself….glad when I told them I am starting to like my feathers..will be going my way…and that the patients can and will benefit from it, exactly because I am different, I am that stranger that see and says things other people don’t… They liked that..told me I looked more at peace..That’s good – even if I didn’t tell I learned so much on a bdsm-site, lol!!

What in fact I am saying is…yes….it was cathartic as thrall puts it….it’s almost like submitting, but then to myself…feeling safe to do so here..for all you to see..it did so well...
Even if in fact I am exhausted by the short nights,..it is working wonders for me. There still is a lot to do, but this weekend a major achievement was made. Thanks to you all…and to those around here..hurting, doubting whether or not to come out with theis story I can only say: please do, you will learn that the people around here pull out that fuzzy blanket, wrap it around you, and just listen…you can cry, you may rant, it’s ok, you are ok…you're safe here, they won’t prod you, they won't hurt you, only gently ask and by doing so help you to say what must be said….and when you look back at that thread…you will feel an uncanning relieve...



I will give this thread back to you..but will never ever forget what happened here...

claire, like yourself....i wish share my story here one day.....

(((Rowen)))) just because

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Reignslilslave

claire, like yourself....i wish share my story here one day.....

(((Rowen)))) just because

---

I'll keep that fuzzy blanket in reach... choose your own time...but then...let it just happen..

*sneaks over and hugs Rowan* I'm proud of you, friend. Most proud.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by claire

I am incredibly touched by what I see happening in this thread. I had already figured out this is a safe place with incredibly understanding and kind people. The support I see is unlike any I've seen any where else. So any brave people telling their stories, sharing their wisdom and their pain. Growing and healing bit by bit.

One of these days soon I will tell my story. It pales in comparison to most, but that is consistent with my life where nothing was ever good enough. I even feel my abuse wasn't good enough/bad enough to have wounded me to the degree I feel it has. intellectually I know that is hogwash, but my heart tells me it is so.

denuseri, bless you for starting this thread, and bless each and everyone of you who has contributed to it.

---

Claire, same goes for you!

Rowen....Great Big Hugs!!

Ok....just a word for everyone in this thread.....this is not a thread i keep track of...

I dont want anyone of you to feel as if i only talk to Rowen or am leaving anyone out and not talking to you...Rowen asked me to look at what he was posting.....that is the only reason i jumped in.......

I am always around here somewhere......and am always happy to help......just PM me.....and ill be back....

Big hugs for everyone!
thrall

Hi Rowen...just a few more things to think about.....

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rowen

It was ambivalent….one the one hand mother aknowledged that they did hurt me badly and that is was wrong to do so. On the other hand her focusing on her own misery, telling she would give her life to make it right and accepting me not visiting her as her punishment…now that I didn’t like…didn’t like at all…felt like being manipulated all over again.

---

You are not punishing your mother, by breaking contact. Breaking contact is not punitive, its something for you. Your mother is reaping what she sowed in the past. She planted pain and anger, it now as come to fruition. Do not......do not allow her to make you feel guilty for your feelings.

And if your mother is true to her word....and wants to make it right....woohoo! She should except a relationship with you..........on you terms.......not hers. If you terms are limited to no contact....then she should be happy for you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rowen

Also spoke my brother…now that’s more difficult. He is stll more or less denying, even though 2 years ago for the first time he didn’t deny that something did happen…and I thought, I so whished..I had forgiven him… I will have to prepare that “coming out” because otherwise I will end up feeling guilty again. Also..there are his kids…some of them rather fond of that nice uncle..and he did try to support me during my break up…looks like he is longing to have a brother…so that’s difficult.

---

OK.........straight up......to damn bad if he suddenly thinks that having a brother is a good idea. He should have though about being so brotherly then.That ship sailed.........long ago. It would be great if he owns up to raping you.......no euphemisms like you played around....or he really didn't mean anything by it..... but owing up to the facts. The brutal truth. Anything less is letting him off the rapist hook.

Please do not allow what happened between you and your brother separate you and you nieces or nephews. Carry on with them....only leave your brother out of the loop. They did nothing wrong and are innocent.


Good luck Rowen
thrall

the incident [as i call it now] happened. i made a post of it when i felt i wanted to share but i don't think i need [nor want] to re-write the whole thing. right now what's worrying me is that i've started thinking about sex again, having fantasies, heck, i've even played with myself. I had sex 3 months after it and i came--then i started crying and crying and crying and couldn't stop. What I hate right now is the guilt of wanting to enjoy sex again. I have met [and read about] women who went through the same incident as i did and were traumatised much more than myself. I'm not saying it didn't hit me over the head with a mallet, i'm worrying that i should be worried and thinking about it but i'm not. i've spoken it over with my mother, told her about my worrying and, well, wanting to have fun yet thinking i shouldn't because... i don't know.
i'm afraid it's not normal to want sex again, but i do! and i hate the fact that i do because i shouldn't.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by bip0lar

but i don't think i need [nor want] to re-write the whole thing..

---

Don't feel obliged to write...it is up to you and you alone if and what you want to share. That being said...thank you for sharing your question.. Takes courage to do so..I respect that.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by bip0lar

right now what's worrying me is that i've started thinking about sex again, having fantasies, heck, i've even played with myself. xxxx .... i'm afraid it's not normal to want sex again, but i do! and i hate the fact that i do because i shouldn't

---

I read about the incident. So sorry that happened to you. I am always a bit ashamed of being a man when reading such a scandalous act of a male.

Listen to me...when certain parts of your body are stimulated you can't help your body responding...that's what the "forced orgasms" in bondage videos are all about. DON'T blame yourself for it. Even if you body responded, even if you did get aroused, it was still wrong what that man did..because you didn't want it. Period. He is the rapist, you are the victim. He should NEVER have done that to you. Period again!

To me, it looks like it may be a good sign you think about sex again. You are a young girl, you should enjoy sex, it is part of your live. Don;t let that bastard take that away from you.

half of me feels sorry for thinking about sex and acting on my thoughts, the other half wants to let go and enjoy it--i don't know which part of my head to listen to. my mum says "it's part of the healing process", but i think, i wish, i hope i got out of this healing process. i don't want to hold myself back on this, it's one of the things in life i actually do enjoy, i've stopped having flashbacks, i've stopped thinking about it, it's all behind me, it CAN'T be undone, it can only be dealt with--and i think i've done that. but then the guilt starts settling in again and i'm asking myself how a male can arouse me again and how i should barricade myself in. i just don't want to have to be on the defense all the time anymore. and i feel stupid asking if that's wrong, because i know it isn't, i just can't stop feeling it..

Quote:

---

Originally posted by bip0lar:
i don't know which part of my head to listen to

---

bip0lar,
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified something she called the five stages of grief. These "stages" are emotions or sets of emotions that we all go through after we experience a trauma. Here is what a short explanation:

Quote:

---

The Five Stages of Grief
Denial:
* Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening."
Anger:
* Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can you accept this!"
Bargaining:
* Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years."
Depression:
* Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"
Acceptance:
* Example - "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This also includes the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, or infertility. Kübler-Ross also claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two.

---

As you can see, they are not neat, clean and predictable. You are going through some now, it seems, but that is OK. We all do when bad things happen.

Do not punish yourself for something you did not do, or choose. And don't try to tell yourself you should be further along in healing than you think you are. Your wound is still bleeding. It's going to take time to heal. For some of us it takes a long time. Take it easy on yourself. Just realize, the swirl of emotions, the inner confusion, the questions, is all normal.

Please remember, through it all, you are lovable. You are worth having as a friend. You are a good person.

I wish my arms were long enough, I'd give you a big, safe, long, silent hug.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by bip0lar

half of me feels sorry for thinking about sex and acting on my thoughts, the other half wants to let go and enjoy it--i don't know which part of my head to listen to. ..

---

Bipolar, I think you might think this post usefull
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...&postcount=162

Does anyone have a problem with trust?

I have a very hard time with my submission in many ways. It's so emotional and psychological, and because of my desire to submit (non-sexual), I ended up trusting the wrong person and... yeah. Not fun. I ended up being unsafe because I wanted so badly to be able to open up and trust. There wasn't even anything kinky/BDSM going on; this was all about my feelings and the relationship I thought I had with this person. I just thought I could trust him, and because I *needed* to trust someone, I did. Stupid stupid stupid.

I have huge huge problems with trust in much the same way...only I generally push people away before they get too close because it scares me so much. And then they earn enough to hurt me and do. Needless to say....There's lots of things that could be better in my life (though i'll also say that things could be so much worse!!)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by rooshoe

Does anyone have a problem with trust?

I have a very hard time with my submission in many ways. It's so emotional and psychological, and because of my desire to submit (non-sexual), I ended up trusting the wrong person and... yeah. Not fun. I ended up being unsafe because I wanted so badly to be able to open up and trust. There wasn't even anything kinky/BDSM going on; this was all about my feelings and the relationship I thought I had with this person. I just thought I could trust him, and because I *needed* to trust someone, I did. Stupid stupid stupid.

---

Yes, that submissive desire, or the desire for attachment, those can make you forget about yourself..your own safety... IMHO trust has to be gained...not to be given..
Ask yourself just why you should trust that other one? Does he really deserve it? Has he proven himself worthy of it?
And hey, we ALL can make mistakes or misjudge a situation...it's human to err...and learn from it!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by newslave

I have huge huge problems with trust in much the same way...only I generally push people away before they get too close because it scares me so much. And then they earn enough to hurt me and do. Needless to say....There's lots of things that could be better in my life (though i'll also say that things could be so much worse!!)

---

New, after what happened to you, how could you trust other people from the beginning? That being said, you have to give them their chance to earn your trust...
What you are describing is understandable, but risky. The problem is by acting this way, you expect allmost the impossible of people (pushing them away while hoping they are gonna like you)...to which they ofcourse fail...making you think that once again it's proven people can't be trusted and don't care. I know this may sound hard...but IMHO it is important to let you know, please don't be offended by me telling so.
(and if you are, let me know, will ask a mod to remove the post)

i thank you dearly for this, pressing the 'thank you' button simply didn't seem enough. i like facts--and thank you for giving me facts, they help me deal with things, no matter what they are.

lm so sorry.

Babe im glad you are starting to come around though it is slow recovery dont beat yourself up it was a traumatic incident and with time and being the great smart girl you are,theres nothing you cant achieve.That sick bastard doesnt deserve for your pain after this,he is unworthy to be the one that changed one great girl into one that feels guilt or anything other then happiness.Chin up your are gettin there,you will learn and grow from this.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by thrall

Ok....just a word for everyone in this thread.....this is not a thread i keep track of...

I dont want anyone of you to feel as if i only talk to Rowen or am leaving anyone out and not talking to you...Rowen asked me to look at what he was posting.....that is the only reason i jumped in.......

I am always around here somewhere......and am always happy to help......just PM me.....and ill be back....

Big hugs for everyone!
thrall

---

Like said before, I didn't and don't want to "hijack" this thread. But, there IS something I have to say right here.
Yes, I did ask thrall to look at "the" post, that first one. Because I was soooo insecure about doing it, in fact removing it after the first response. Because she indeed was always there before...always listening (and believe me, I can ramble)

I cannot describe just how confused, insecure, sad, angry and hurting I was at that moment....one part of me still thinking I was or should be done with "it" the other part feeling the lava rising. ..

She has however that magic way with words - and people at that.
Thinking back it were her words, as always the right words at the right moment in the right way, the obvious care, concern and yes, no doubt recognition in them that helped me to share over here, that helped me to stop fighting myself... When I look at it, especially that post where she ask me to tell what "it" is....I still cry...but they are happy tears..

So...I want to say right here: thrall, thank you so much, I owe your for this, big time.

Your making me blush Rowen!!!.....

Thank you though...knowing that what i and others said helped you... is payment enough.......

t

Something for everyone......This is the litinay against fear, from the book...Dune by Frank Herbert

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Remember the last.......Only I will remain......

*strolls in* and spreads some hugs, comfort, strength and warmth to all of you whom needs it(yes that includes those of you that just wants a hug ;)).
It is a great thing it exists.

I have spent the past couple of hours reading this thread, and feeling it intensely. I have so much to say, and yet can find no words for what I feel, and all of the emotions that have been brought up by those of you with strangely similar histories.

Wow.

Just Wow.

What all of the survivors here are doing in this thread is amazing and so is everyone else who's been involved so far.
I have not yet chosen to be amazing, but perhaps I will one day be able to join you all.
*curls up in a corner and snuggles down contentedly*