when vanilla people try to talk about kink

It makes me feel SO awkward.

So they're jokign about spanking, or very frequently, anal sex. And they have no idea what they are talking about.

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If you do anal though, you are gunna stretch your asshole out, won't it be all loose then??

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and my every instinct says, it is time to explain the realities of sex and kink!! But i know that that is problematic at so many levels.

For one thing... how do you explain such things!

"well you see... this one time, this er... person i know... told me about her sex life. And she says it doesn't hurt..."

or

"come on now. The anal sphincter is elastic, and highly muscular. It closes back up and you have no trouble controlling your bowels. And no, fisting doesn't make a cunt loose, that is muscular as well, and it shrinks back to normal size..."
**looks of disgust, confusion and/or awe**

or the other day, a couple friends were talking about asphyxiation (one of them being the most open minded and kinky) And they were both like eeee i don't know what they see in that! it is so dangerous!
So i made a semi-casual comment about autoerotic being the most dangerous and safeguards and... lol. I just wanted to say "you must not have tried it yet, because it is so good"

lol. Does anyone else have these issues, where you just want to fix their misconceptions, but don't want to completely 'out' yourself, or gross them out, etc. What do you do?

I guess I've never looked at it as "an issue." I think there are plenty of ways to approach sexual conversations without being gross or distasteful. Besides, if folks are gonna bring up a topic, then they should be prepared to get responses.

Nevertheless, if such conversation makes you uncomfortable and you don't want to "out" yourself, yet you still have the urge to correct, you can always try taking the erotic aspect out of it and throw out purely medical facts like you did in the paragraph above where you mentioned anal and fisting. That's not gross, just basic biology. You don't have to mention it doesn't hurt you or that you like it - just the facts, ma'am, as they say.

Just remember that there's a big difference between a misconception and a preference - asphyxiation or anal or whatever doesn't turn everyone on, even within the kink community. Just because someone isn't interested themselves doesn't mean that's because they just don't know better and haven't tried it yet.

I don't. Then again... I just say whatever I think. All my friends know my kink and just go with it. It's much easier that way :-P

At work, some coworkers eye-spied some of My corset-donning, myspace.com pics.. They know I am into the scene, they have just yet to decide whether I am the one who uses the whip, or gets it..

"You're in a bad mood.. What? Didn't get whipped this morning..?"

Or..

"You know, I can picture You really kicking the crap outta someone and liking it.."

Grrr.. I snarl at them all..

All my friends are reasonably, well, horribly, vulgar in a lot of ways; but then, I am friends with men mostly :p

I don't expect them to get my kinky side though, what I view as a turn on they really don't, however, it doesn't bother me, I just find it funny when they act like a small spanking is heavily kinky... I'm there just thinking hmmm... wonder what they'd think if they knew!

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Originally Posted by cattus9

I just find it funny when they act like a small spanking is heavily kinky... I'm there just thinking hmmm... wonder what they'd think if they knew!

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Omg the spanking is heavy kink thing drives me crazy.

So i was with this boy who was getting very hot and bothered over small spanks he was giving me while i was fully clothed. Now i have flat Irish girl ass, so half the time they would land on my lower back. It got to the point where i was like "look....' and went off on him. We didn't have sex. He hasn't talked to me since.

If someone pushes my buttons I will think of something very creepy to tell them. Mostly though I just enjoy calling my roommate when I get out of the airplane and saying "Hey I'm almost home, you didn't leave those dead hookers out all week right?"

The thing is you can't be 100% sure who's vanilla and who isn't . I find that opening up a tad can lead to very positive results. I'm lucky to have a few good friends who are very sex positive, and open. I used to think I was the only kinky one but in the process of getting closer with some of them (through moving in with a few and becoming the girl in semi-residence at my boyfriend/Masters place) I found another female sub, a male sub (there's a funny story with that-- he lost a bet and I helped him wax) and a Pro Domme. I wouldn't have known any of this if I didn't throw in those educational tidbits when certain subjects come up. While I certainly wouldn't do this at work, my friends are my friends no matter what. Just as an afterthought, generally you become friends with people that are like you so it's likely that you're friends are in the kink closet too.

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Originally Posted by voxelectronica

So i was with this boy who was getting very hot and bothered over small spanks he was giving me while i was fully clothed. Now i have flat Irish girl ass, so half the time they would land on my lower back. It got to the point where i was like "look....'

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hahaha i know the flat irish ass problem. so my sub is actually a supervisor in the business where i work, whick makes clandestine spanking a whole lot of fun. one day i walked right into her office, spun her around, and planted a mighty wallop right smack on her lower back.

she just looked at me with that pained expression one reserves for a child who isn't that bright...

in retrospect it's hilarious. at the time.. not so much lmfao

maybe i should start a thread about embarassing sexual misadventures...

I love the phone call off the airplane... muahahahaa

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Just as an afterthought, generally you become friends with people that are like you so it's likely that you're friends are in the kink closet too.

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This is quite true!! The people I have the most in common with in general, are often the kinkiest. My 2 best/favorite friends are both very open minded, or down right kinky, sexually. One's poly and the other's a dom.


And I've heard the "ohhh spanking" one too. Or the "omg!!! he wanted to tie me down and fuck me! That's so... naughty" hahahaha. Some of those people get 'lil mini speeches about safety... they then give me very very suspicious looks. -grin-

Oh, and the friend that finds out something minor (like, idk, anal or bondage) and is like OMG! you're such a freak! Hehehe, it is always hard not to respond with an even "freakier" story just to watch his/her face.

Thanks for responses. It's good to know others have interesting experiences with vanillas, and amusing to hear some of the experiences and responses.

I told two of my best friends and they were cool with it. And I would never tell my family, but that's just because my sex life (no matter what kind) is simply none of their business.

But what I really wanted to ask is...does anyone else ever gets exasperated and angry with this whole need for secrecy? I mean it is not like I want to tell all and sundry, and this isn't all I am, but it is a very big part of me, (as every knowledge and experience does) it effects my thoughts on a great number of things...but when asked "why", I am not able to express them fully and honestly, because having the conversation.....:rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by damyanti

But what I really wanted to ask is...does anyone else ever gets exasperated and angry with this whole need for secrecy? I mean it is not like I want to tell all and sundry, and this isn't all I am, but it is a very big part of me, (as every knowledge and experience does) it effects my thoughts on a great number of things...but when asked "why", I am not able to express them fully and honestly, because having the conversation.....:rolleyes:

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Our sexual preferences (whether they be vanilla or BDSM or anywhere else on the gettin'-it-on-spectrum) both reflect and motivate a lot of our thoughts and actions. In my case, I don't really think a lot of people need to know anything about my sex life, even the vanilla bits. On the other hand, if you're the type of person I am close enough with to discuss sex to begin with, or if you're safely on the other side of a computer screen, I don't see a ton of reason to hide away the kinky parts. That being the case, it's difficult for me to say I get "exasperated" or "angry" over the privacies I keep or don't.

Frankly, I consider myself one of the lucky folks when it comes to being able to share or explore the serious, curious, or interesting parts of my sexuality - Lifestyle folks tend to like to talk and share and have communities like this one and munches in r/l devoted to doing so. We know this Lifestyle requires people to be informed to be safe and happy, so we network amongst ourselves really well. We ask a lot of questions, we delve into our sexuality a lot deeper than most.

Not a lot of my vanilla friends have such an array of resources and aren't nearly as comfortable when it comes to discussing what makes them sexually tick. THAT would make me exasperated and angry a lot faster...

I didn't mean as in discuss details, but on occasion just saying I am into BDSM (kind of like saying one is gay) would go a long way...rather than trying to make sense by going round and round and never fully making sense. I am a very honest and open person, so yeah if I think about it I do feel a bit resentful, because there is nothing wrong with what we are doing. And this whole secrecy thing is terribly exhausting....God forbid I should slip and call my boyfriend "sir" in front of others, while they get to call their partners all the different sickly sweet and obnoxious names.

No matter, I know it is not likely to change anytime soon.

That is a really good point Amber. I can't imagine not having this resource and community. (actually I can, but i would hate it.) I have more than one friend who likes to pretend sex doesn't exist, and has no idea what is going on. I feel bad for them.

On the other hand, I have talked more than one friend through the steps, the safety, and the "secrets" of one kinky activity or another. I'm glad they turned to me before trying things and getting hurt.

ie... handcuffs... it's amazing the stuff people don't think of when they wanna play with them. And anal, which to me always seemed common sensical, is mysterious and taboo to lots of my (guy) friends. I think I've saved more than one girl from the pain of some guy fumbling around blindly back there. lol



Damyanti, I understand how you feel. I really think the world would be a better place if we were all more open minded. And perhaps if sex ed wasn't just "put a condom on it or don't do it, since it's dirty anyways" I hate that I can't discuss it more openly. J can talk about his favorite hobbies to anyone and everyone. I ought to be able to too. (i tell him this a lot. it's a very good comparison. heh)

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Originally Posted by damyanti

I didn't mean as in discuss details, but on occasion just saying I am into BDSM (kind of like saying one is gay) would go a long way...rather than trying to make sense by going round and round and never fully making sense.

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If you're not going into the physical details, I guess I might need a bit more clarification as to what you feel you cannot say and why? We may be running into a cultural difference or social stigma that I'm missing. If I want to flesh out a philosophical point about myself in relation to BDSM without regaling my listener with details of my last flogging, I simply describe it along the lines of, "I prefer a man to take the lead in the relationship," or, "I enjoy men with a dominant personality, it allows me to let them take the lead and relax into taking care of them."

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Originally Posted by damyanti

I am a very honest and open person, so yeah if I think about it I do feel a bit resentful, because there is nothing wrong with what we are doing. And this whole secrecy thing is terribly exhausting....God forbid I should slip and call my boyfriend "sir" in front of others, while they get to call their partners all the different sickly sweet and obnoxious names.

No matter, I know it is not likely to change anytime soon.

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I've "slipped" like that before and, sure, there have been some raised eyebrows, but I don't recall any animosity which is good. Perhaps that's why it doesn't bother me. If people seem especially interested, I've always just smiled and said, "well he has to have a name special to him, and 'Sir' is certainly nothing I'd call anyone else!" or something like that. I also use the term playfully and with a smile around folks we know so it doesn't seem odd or forced when they do hear it, an thus it isn't something strange to them or cause for worry.

To my mind, one of the perks of being a kinkster is to hear vanilla folk talk 'kinky.' I always listen, join in as much as I have to without giving myself away (a real art), store up the details and blab to my Master so we can have a good groan/laugh at 'them' and feel superior in our knowledge of the kinky underworld.

PS Sorry, not exactly 'equal rights for kinksters now', but at least I'm being honest.

If someone is discussing something of a sexual nature with me, as my friends tend to do, I don't worry about "outing" myself or grossing them out. I will correct any misconceptions bluntly and to the best of my knowledge. They're the ones who brought it up in the first place, so they've either tried it or are curious about it. I figure if they don't really wanna hear about it then they shouldn't have said anything. They'll either learn what they wanted to know or learn to keep their mouths shut.

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Originally Posted by Pearlgem

To my mind, one of the perks of being a kinkster is to hear vanilla folk talk 'kinky.' I always listen, join in as much as I have to without giving myself away (a real art), store up the details and blab to my Master so we can have a good groan/laugh at 'them' and feel superior in our knowledge of the kinky underworld.

PS Sorry, not exactly 'equal rights for kinksters now', but at least I'm being honest.

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hahaha
exactly that is me buuut, I have told some of my friends about it and have held an "anal 101" class for 2 female friends and not to mention the "bondage 101" class too lol
I dont really hide it nor do I flaunt what I/we do. Some people sure are better off not knowing (like parents) and some actually can benefit from what we know right.

Most of my friends are open minded and have tried most things anyway (more than me in some cases). Though I do have to be careful in work and family situations...

My way of getting around the problems with not understanding are to approach it from a 'I have a degree in anatomy' stand which is great because this means you don't even have to admit you have done these things, just know about it because you have read it in a text book. Even a non anatomist can probably use it if you are known to be relatively well educated. Just say you read it somewhere (the internet is great for this) or heard it from a friend who has a degree in [insert relevant degree here]. The important point is to be known as someone who knows stuff so make sure you get that across as much as you can :)

hehe so, you're giving me permission to act like a know it all? ;) hehe

on the making fun of them.. haha yes, yes sometimes that's great fun

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Originally Posted by Logic1

I dont really hide it nor do I flaunt what I/we do. Some people sure are better off not knowing (like parents) and some actually can benefit from what we know right.

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Exactly. :)

It depends whom I'm having the conversation with... but most of my friends know I lean on the kinkier side just because of comments I've made. Most don't know the extent though. Nothing wrong with lightly putting it out there and keeping some secrets.

Most of my friends tend to be sexually charged and comfortable with sex to begin with, so it's not too bad. Also, if I mention something in a positive fashion usually it inspires more questions or a rehashing of previous similar experiences.

I had a friend talk once about how her boyfriend would shove his cock down her throat, and cum all over her face... and she loved it. A few of our friends gave interesting looks, or said they didn't like that, but for the most part it was all good.

She's not a sub but clearly they play around with many of the same activities. Most vanilla's aren't so vanilla... even if they lead you to believe otherwise. And the ones that aren't too experimental- teach them :)

I agree with Amber. There are very subtle ways to share our kinks without scaring anyone. Just like most stories, some details are ok to leave unsaid.

wow, as a sub on a steep learning curve, that made so much sense. the whole big picture is not bdsm/vanilla - but a rainbow where some times a colour or two are missing,
and other times one colour is overwhelming.
(up until just now I thought I was vanilla who loves this site and gets spanked every now and then) :):):)

.

I admit. I don't have these problems really. Now obviously my parents don't know anything and I like to keep it that way, but who really tells their parents about their sex life in general. As for my social circles, as a general rule they know exactly I'm about and what's going on. The issue is easier for me then it is to many because most of the people I associate with are at least marginally interested in this sort of thing to begin with to a greater or lesser degree. I guess I should just feel lucky that there isn't really anyone in my life that I can't share this sort of thing with.

-Geoff

I wish it was easy for me. I moved from a place that was very open minded, back to a small -minded community. I tried once to talk about BDSM stuff with someone and now she's all distant and kind of looks at me like I"m a freak.

I'm going to try and connnect with people in the city here, i know there's a 'society' of some kind, I am just going crazy here. Definately not happy.

So now I am going to just keep my mouth shut unless someone asks me.

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Originally Posted by Matin

hahaha i know the flat irish ass problem.

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I haven't found the asses of Irish girls to be flat at all. Perhaps it's an issue of small sample size on my end, since I stopped at the first one I encountered ;D

-IC

Except to friends that we were already in the Lifestyle, we haven't told anyone. Though I sure felt like it sometimes, :rolleyes:.

I sometimes like to shock people, so it was on the table in the beginning, but by pure luck we haven't gotten around to it. When my Husbands ex wife died, her parents fought us for custody - their case was slim, and we won, but if this had come out, there is no doubt in my mind that their chance would have risen by as much as 50%. And considering our chosen careers (mine more so than His) - it just isn't worth it.

Do I feel angry about it? Not really angry (though we should, because it is a discrimination of sorts), but I can just imagine the reaction I would get on Mommy blogs if I raised some points based on living in a bdsm household. *eg*

One of our kid's friends Mom, not so long ago asked me about "the locked room", I almost told her, but I am pretty sure she was of the :eek: type. Instead I said that that is where we keep my Husbands antique gun collection. :cool:

The moral: guns - good, sex - bad. C'est la vie. :blurp_ani

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Originally Posted by IAmCanadian

I haven't found the asses of Irish girls to be flat at all. Perhaps it's an issue of small sample size on my end, since I stopped at the first one I encountered ;D

-IC

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it is true, they aren't all flat, by a long shot.

but it only takes the one. and i shouldn't disparage her even in humor; her ass really isn't flat - it's not her ass's fault i have bad aim =>

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Originally Posted by damyanti

But what I really wanted to ask is...does anyone else ever gets exasperated and angry with this whole need for secrecy? I mean it is not like I want to tell all and sundry, and this isn't all I am, but it is a very big part of me.

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Originally Posted by AdrianaAurora

When my Husbands ex wife died, her parents fought us for custody - their case was slim, and we won, but if this had come out, there is no doubt in my mind that their chance would have risen by as much as 50%. And considering our chosen careers (mine more so than His) - it just isn't worth it.

One of our kid's friends Mom, not so long ago asked me about "the locked room", I almost told her, but I am pretty sure she was of the :eek: type. Instead I said that that is where we keep my Husbands antique gun collection. :cool:

The moral: guns - good, sex - bad. C'est la vie. :blurp_ani

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Maybe it's different for those of us with kids. I can't begin to imagine discussing this even in passing, even in the same kind of broad details my friends use to regale me with tales of their sex lives. So I let it go. Sometimes it's fun to answer their questions totally truthfully, but completely blandly, and to know that there's just a lot more to the story than they're hearing. You can slip in a double entendre, too. So, you know, sometimes I crack myself up, but that's about it.

Yes, AdrianaAurora, four-legs good, two-legs bad.

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Originally Posted by Matin

hahaha i know the flat irish ass problem. so my sub is actually a supervisor in the business where i work, whick makes clandestine spanking a whole lot of fun. one day i walked right into her office, spun her around, and planted a mighty wallop right smack on her lower back.

she just looked at me with that pained expression one reserves for a child who isn't that bright...

in retrospect it's hilarious. at the time.. not so much lmfao

maybe i should start a thread about embarassing sexual misadventures...

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Hahaha, that is just awesome. A great thread to be started indeed!

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Originally Posted by SauvagePouline

Does anyone else have these issues, where you just want to fix their misconceptions, but don't want to completely 'out' yourself, or gross them out, etc. What do you do?

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I'm very open with my online friends ('nilla or not), but I haven't told any of my real life friends yet, so I tend to be a little shy on the subject when it comes up. Before I got into it, I was one of those vanilla people that would occasionally joke around about it. Not in a judgmental way, but I had certain misconceptions due to ignorance. Someone took the time to explain everything to me one time, and after being educated on the subject, I decided that I identified with it. Who knows, maybe if some 'nilla friends get educated on it, they'd want to try it too!

I told my husband quite recently (in the last 6mths) about my tendencies towards this lifestyle, and on the whole, although it does nothing for him he has been supportive and even tried to satisfy me in that way. But he still slips little things into conversation like ' oh there was a film on late last night, i recorded it, thought u'd be interested as its about weirdos like you' - leading me to believe that he is very far from understanding my need to submit. My best friend however, when i told her, was (and is) a tower of strength, she doesnt totally understand my need for my master, and always jokes that she would far rather wield the whip than submit to it, but she never judges me and if i tell her things about my masters tasks for me or what we did when we met she is never shocked or disgusted, but asks me intelligent and caring questions and tells me she will always be there for me. But i also notice on tv that its always the comedy character who is wielding a whip and dressed head to foot in leather!! The woman who is submissive is always the underdog, the weak one - they never add that to submit, totally to someone else is one of the hardest things to do and requires inner strength and trust the likes of which ordinary folk do not possess. So if people want to perceive me as a poor girl who enjoys being made to crawl and kneel for a guy who is sitting back in his chair staring deep into her eyes as she makes every part of herself available to him, for his use and his use only........ well let them - i know where i'd rather be.

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Originally Posted by rachel06

Maybe it's different for those of us with kids.

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Nope. Not me. I have kids and I still will answer anything. Everyone who knows me in RL is very aware that you do not ask me a question unless you are prepared to hear the truth. I do not take any of the responsibility if my friends are traumatized by our conversations. They have all been warned before hand. Maybe becoming my friend should come with a little disclaimer........WARNING: Do not talk to me unless you are prepared to hear the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!

Q. Does this shirt and skirt go together?
A. Absolutely not. Go change.( What? I'm supposed to let them go out in public like that? That's not a very good friend thing to do.)

Q. I've heard that anal sex hurts very very bad so i'd never be willing to try it.
A. Well, as a matter of fact................

LMAO. My sister still doesn't want to try it, but at least she's well informed now!

I do however put a filter on it when older people or minors are around. The only exception to that is if the older person actually wants to know.

:icon176: I know, i know....i'm a fruitcake. i've heard it before.

"You can slip in a double entendre, too. So, you know, sometimes I crack myself up, but that's about it."

love it!